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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want MIL to keep her kind thoughts to herself?

109 replies

BreconBeBuggered · 11/07/2014 14:11

Call from MIL, 'out of kindness', as she looks at a set of family photos she took last weekend. 'Brecon', she says. 'I hope you don't mind me being honest here, but you haven't half put on some weight lately'.

I don't know who she thinks might appreciate that kind of observation, but the thing is, she only ever does this when I have actually lost weight. I get to the point where clothes are starting to feel looser and look that bit better, and every time, every fucking time, she'll hit me with the Fatso Brecon jibe. For context, I'm a size 14-16, while every other female in the photos, including MIL, is a 6-8, so I can't deny I look a bit hefty by comparison, but I don't actually want to be a size 8. Does anyone else have such a thoughtful MIL, and AIBU to think she should shut the fuck up?

OP posts:
Bambamboom · 03/09/2014 12:19

And control. Mine would dearly love to take the reins of my life and gallop off with them, to show how very much better and tidier she could make it all look.
This made me chuckle. Sums up my
Mil nicely. Had to remember that next time we get into an argument !

Bambamboom · 03/09/2014 12:24

pictish
Jheeez I feel sorry for you, my mil decided we were going away with her (after being told we couldn't) and book and payed for it and then spent months running up to holiday telling us we "have to lose weight for the holiday" which we didn't, in fact I comfort ate so much due to the stress of going away with them I actually went up a dress size...subconsciously probably did this so sabotage her perfect, image obsessive family holiday.
Mil likes to plate me up half size portions because "she knows I'm trying to lose weight" (news to me)! And glares across the table if I go back for more food (all laid out on the table).
Always leave in laws very hungry.

FetchezLaVache · 03/09/2014 13:11

My MIL, bless her, is the exact opposite. Every single time I see her she tells me I've lost weight, irrespective of whether I have, haven't or have actually gained some. But then she is a lovely person, and yours sounds like a complete bitch she isn't, and I agree with those who say you should tell your DH and let him go ballistic with them, if you don't feel you can do it yourself. There's a reason they don't say anything when he's there, just like there's a reason for the heavily-laden sweet trolley whenever you go to their house...

KERALA1 · 03/09/2014 13:17

Sadly for mil she can't get me on weight as am pretty standard 10 stone 5 ft 6 size 10/12. But she kindly points out any grey hairs with a tinkly laugh. It's actually the laugh I find most annoying.

rembrandtsrockchick · 03/09/2014 15:42

How about..." Thankyou for your concern MiL but as long as my backside is smaller than your mouth I don't think I have anything to worry about".

Dubjackeen · 03/09/2014 16:10

YANBU. That is all.
I worked with someone who was obsessed with commenting on people's weight. She told me once I had 'lost loads of weight'. I am a size 12, and at the time she knew me I was a size 10/12. I replied calmly 'I didn't realise I had loads of weight to lose'. She never tried that with me again.

More difficult I know when it comes to family/ in-laws.

FunkyBoldRibena · 03/09/2014 18:08

Have you got any of her old photos lying around that you can express concern over?

LoonvanBoon · 03/09/2014 18:19

Fetchez, my MIL does this too! But does sometimes follow it up with some comment about how I look better now, so I'm not sure it's kindly meant - especially as I've already told her by that point that I haven't actually lost any weight.

I don't know why people have to make comments about weight at all, really - there's so much potential to offend. And what is it with the tinkly laugh thing? That's another of my MIL's specialities! In theory I always want to reject generalizations about the MIL/DIL relationship, but then when I read a thread like this I think some of them must go to a special MIL school to learn the tricks of the trade. Grin

PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein · 03/09/2014 18:20

bifauxnen please think again. Tourette's is a very real and often distressing condition and has nothing to do with being a rude twat. It really isn't helpful to anyone to use it as shorthand for twattiness. Similarly, people saying "- bit OCD" as shorthand for fussiness.

ithoughtofitfirst · 03/09/2014 18:21

My MIL always says shit like this. Usually a size 8/10 but went up to a whopping 12 after having DS. She constantly pointed it out in photos. The most priceless was how it was a shame my nails didn't look nicer for my wedding photos. They were short and clean and i've got very neat little hands. Plus it was a shotgun wedding and i was going through quite a dark bout of depression at the time.

ThrowAChickenInTheAir · 03/09/2014 18:25

Back handed compliment from my mil to me

'Im sure I'd look worse than you do if I was you' it's so brilliant because I've never been sure how to take itConfused

TwinkleDust · 03/09/2014 18:27

I think it is actually quite important that you keep your husband up to speed on this. Is it likely that they presume you won't tell him..?

ithoughtofitfirst · 03/09/2014 18:32

throwachicken mwahaha brilliant Grin

MiscellaneousAssortment · 03/09/2014 19:50

I'd let your dh protect you, this sounds like utter bitchiness - wtf is the 'pretend' point to the nastiness, some kind of US style 'intervention' ?! Ugh. Foul.

ItsDinah · 03/09/2014 20:13

Fattist comments are bound to increase with the current health messages about obesity. You are endangering your health if your waist measurement (not when pregnant) is more than 80 cm = 31.5 inches. I think that is a pretty typical waist measurement for a size 14 and even some 12s are that big. Think what happened with smoking. It used to be a majority habit. That didn't mean it was acceptable .Once the health campaigning got a grip it was a free for all on being rude to smokers.

Bambamboom · 03/09/2014 20:33

Skinny people who eat crap are also endangering themselves. High cholesterol doesn't just happen to fat peoe and fat can built up around your organs with out it developing on your hips!
Not that that's got sweet fa to do with what te issue is here.
Ops mother in law isn't conceded she's a narc and a bully.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 03/09/2014 20:44

No you're not B.U. It's rude to point out such a sensitive a personal subject such as weight. I mean yeah it would be different if you had asked her opinion but as you didn't then quite frankly she should keep her snout out.
My D.M and DGM were always going on about my weight, D.M (adore her as I do) still does.. You know the usual.... OH ghost you'll have to lose some weight you know. Lay off the crisps. Erm ghost is 38 years of age and has no intention of losing weight. And if I gave a shit I would have lost weight years ago

Notsoyummymummy1 · 03/09/2014 20:47

I have yet to meet a MIL who believed in keeping her thoughts to herself

HarrietdeBagotSoay · 03/09/2014 21:40

Brecon
I just had to add my support. Crapheads!!! I wish there were an MN burn 'emat the stake emoticon. How fng rude are they?!

bopoityboo3 · 03/09/2014 22:08

Yanbu. Sounds like my mil. Saw her two days after I'd given birth, and i mentioned how one of the first comments dd had made to me after meeting her new baby brother was 'mummy your big tummy has all gone cause the baby is no longer in it' (I thought it was a cute observation by her granddaughter) mil gives me a hard look up and down and says 'well... It hasn't really though has it?'
Had to bite my tongue so hard not to come back at her with the observation that even though I'd just given birth I was still several dress sizes smaller than her.

LuvDaMorso · 03/09/2014 22:56

I cannot believe no one has suggested this yet but have you considered saying "did you mean to be so rude?"

RandomMess · 03/09/2014 23:03

How about "Dh just adores me like this, we're having rampant sex every night since I got to x stone" Grin

She has major issues does your MIL!

Original poster
BreconBeBuggered · 04/09/2014 11:17

Thank you everyone.

Random's comment is actually at least 85% true, and has the advantage of being the one most likely to floor MIL and leave her speechless.

OP posts:
externalwallinsulation · 04/09/2014 11:57

Oh my God! The only retort you can use has to be: 'Thanks for your advice. I hope you don't mind me being honest here, but you are being incredibly rude. These days it's not acceptable socially to make comments like that. Perhaps you weren't aware of that, so I thought I should just mention it'. And hang up.

Cereal0ffender · 04/09/2014 12:09

My friends mum constantly comments on my size, I think it is hilarious. I also make a point of dieting when faced with meeting her. It keeps me in check as I really don't like being fat. If I am a size 14 and someone comments on it it is a good wake up call.