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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want MIL to keep her kind thoughts to herself?

109 replies

BreconBeBuggered · 11/07/2014 14:11

Call from MIL, 'out of kindness', as she looks at a set of family photos she took last weekend. 'Brecon', she says. 'I hope you don't mind me being honest here, but you haven't half put on some weight lately'.

I don't know who she thinks might appreciate that kind of observation, but the thing is, she only ever does this when I have actually lost weight. I get to the point where clothes are starting to feel looser and look that bit better, and every time, every fucking time, she'll hit me with the Fatso Brecon jibe. For context, I'm a size 14-16, while every other female in the photos, including MIL, is a 6-8, so I can't deny I look a bit hefty by comparison, but I don't actually want to be a size 8. Does anyone else have such a thoughtful MIL, and AIBU to think she should shut the fuck up?

OP posts:
maras2 · 03/09/2014 10:30

You know what? I wouldn't let the nasty fuckers in my house let alone listen to the bitching about weight/size etc.Neither would my DH if it was his DP's doing the badmouthing.IRL but years ago, my MIL would have been capable of this malarkey but she knew that DH would always be on my side so kept a civil tongue.Hope that yours is too.

Castlemilk · 03/09/2014 10:34

Enough of this.

They are getting away with bullying.

Not good.

Tell your DH and let him go apeshit. Really. It's time.

VSeth · 03/09/2014 10:39

My MIL very cheerfully told me that she had told her other DIL (my SIL) that once she had recovered from the major spinal surgery she was having to ease (not fix) the major pain she was suffering that she really must lose weight!

I put my best puzzled face on and said I was surprised that DIL was ok with personal comments about her weight because I wouldn't be and my MIL has never spoken about any weight gain or loss to either of us since.

Maybe a similar approach would work? or the Mumsnet "did you mean to be so rude?".

damepeanutbutter · 03/09/2014 10:41

Oh my goodness! YANBU but your MIL is! And as for the diet nazi comment from AnyoneForTennis, "A size 14/16 isn't small" (is your name Katie Hopkins, Anyone?), well, I am starting to feel the steam boiling up inside me and about to spurt out of my ears! Size 14/16 is the UK average (in fact slightly smaller than the UK average). This body nazism is yet another way of controlling women - giving out the message that unless you are size 8-10 you are 'out of control'. BODY NAZIS. I hate them!

My MIL (from another European country but lives in UK) tried this on when I was pregnant with DD1 and ballooned. She phoned me and told me that her sister (whom she had obviously discussed me with in detail) had said that I should stop eating salt whilst pregnant to control my weight gain (whilst pregnant ffs!). I told her in no uncertain terms that the only people's opinions on my body that I was interested in were my husband and my doctor. Otherwise it was no-one else's business.

Four weeks later (after birth of baby) I found myself speaking to this aunt, who can speak no English, but I just about understood her and she started giving me dietary advice, even though she hadn't seen me, so obvs MIL had told her how gargantuan I was. We were about to go on a trip to visit all the DH's relatives abroad with new baby. So I immediately phoned my MIL and said to her that if, whilst away, one single person made any comment about my weight then I would a) never visit them again and b) she would not have access to my DD in case she perpetuated body nazi myths to her. No one commented on my obvious weight gain, so MIL had obviously got the jungle drums out in terror of being denied access to her Grandaughter.

MIL has NEVER made any further comment to me about my weight in the last 17 years even though, after 2 further pregnancies I am definitely not 'small'. I am not a size 12, 14 or 16 - but that is my business and no-one else's. I think you need to stamp on this business pretty damn quick OP or else she will feel she has a right to make rude, personal comments to you and your DCs for as long as she is alive.

pictish · 03/09/2014 10:50

Gaaah I feel your pain. My fil and smil are thoroughly disgusted by my fatness. They are very into everything for appearances, and I bring shame upon the family by being a size 18.

They have tried to bribe me into losing weight by promising to pay for flights to stay with them in their second home in the south of France, if I lose weight to earn it. Like that's a prize!
Hmm

If we have dinner at their house they give me a noticeably tiny portion of food, and would make remarks like "really?!" and "gosh...are you sure?" if I said yes please to any seconds being offered to around. It's so embarrassing for me and everyone else that nowadays, I just eat my toddlers portion of dinner and fuck off for a smoke.
Hmm

They have couple photos of every son (they have four between them) and his wife on display in their sitting room, except for us. They have a photo of dh (not fat) but not me.
Hmm

One Christmas they handed out all the sons and wives identical shaped gifts from under the tree, apart from mine which was flat. They all unwrapped a box of artisan chocolates, while I admired my photo frame.
Hmm

I could go on...but I won't. Yes, it's hurtful and humiliating, but owing to all this and more, so much more (I could write threads upon threads about this pair), it turns out I'm not particularly fond of them either. We don't see a lot of them, and that suits me fine.

Oldraver · 03/09/2014 10:51

I would be letting DH go apeshit as well... they need telling OP

damepeanutbutter · 03/09/2014 10:58

Perhaps show him this thread, OP?

CalamityKate1 · 03/09/2014 11:02

Pictish! Shock

That's awful!

Original poster
BreconBeBuggered · 03/09/2014 11:03

pictish, yours sound even worse than mine. Mine wouldn't give anybody chocolates, but they always try to stuff me full of unhealthy food at their house. I am no stranger to unhealthy food, but you can overdose on badly-cooked pastry. It's not the way I'd choose to go.

I am far too polite for my own good. Who'd have thought it? Nobody say 'wimp'.

OP posts:
User54565644578 · 03/09/2014 11:07

I thought my MIL was a one off, seems not! She's never held back telling me how much weight I've put on post-birth (not even pretend concern, just disdain). I don't see her very often, and between visits I lost two stone. TWO STONE. She did not say a word Confused

I think there's something about my MIL (and yours) enjoying having something to criticise...

User54565644578 · 03/09/2014 11:09

Pictish, that's awful Hmm mine are also obsessed with thinness. It's actually a bit sick.

diddl · 03/09/2014 11:09

Where was your husband when they were "having a word"?

Make sure they never come round again when it's just you.

And put the phone down on her!

Poofus · 03/09/2014 11:16

Why aren't you telling them to fuck off? This is beyond a bit of MIL-DIL wrangling, and into serious bullying.

Could you have a quiet word with her when DC aren't around, and say you are quite happy with your weight so could she not mention it again as you're finding it very rude? That's my polite euphemism for "fuck off", really.

OneSkinnyChip · 03/09/2014 11:17

your family are Shock

OP probably the best thing to do is just say, 'And you're only noticing that NOW?! Actually I've lost weight.' Tinkly laugh. She's a silly little thing who has to comment on your weight and can't even get it right!

Honestly, why don't people understand how unhelpful it is making comments about weight? Do they think we don't know that we're overweight? It would be a bit difficult not to when you're constantly bombarded with 'fat is bad' messages everywhere you turn.

OneSkinnyChip · 03/09/2014 11:21

And Brecon your story about the puddings reminds me... I have a very slim SIL who is incredibly weight and appearance conscious. My other SIL had cooked a pudding and first SIL took a piece, then passed it to me and basically forced me to eat it. I had just met the family so she acted like, 'Ssssh, just eat it to please other SIL.' What she'd actually done was, 'Look I've taken a bit SIL, oh yes but I will slyly pass it to the plumpo here, she'll scoff it down and then I will look like I've eaten it.' HmmManipulative bitch. If she tried that now she would get short shrift.

pictish · 03/09/2014 11:24

It's old now. Has been going on for years. They are outspoken about all sorts, not just my weight.
I just put on my big girl pants and endure till we can leave. I do speak out as I'm no mouse, but they just laugh it off, so convinced are they by their superiority and right thinking.
Never known anyone like them before.

Original poster
BreconBeBuggered · 03/09/2014 11:27

'I think there's something about my MIL (and yours) enjoying having something to criticise...'

And control. Mine would dearly love to take the reins of my life and gallop off with them, to show how very much better and tidier she could make it all look.

OP posts:
pictish · 03/09/2014 11:29

By contrast, my actual mil...as in dh's mum, is a peach. So it's not all bad.

gotthemoononastick · 03/09/2014 11:29

So odious to make remarks about others..tell her this.

Blame it on this generation trying to live the slogan from that Wallace Simpson woman.."you can never be too thin"

They have no idea about nutrition.

Tanith · 03/09/2014 11:54

Could you pretend excitement and say "I know! Isn't it wonderful?!"
Then refuse to discuss further.

If she's anything like my MIL, it'll drive her wild Smile

Tanith · 03/09/2014 11:54

Could you pretend excitement and say "I know! Isn't it wonderful?!"
Then refuse to discuss further.

If she's anything like my MIL, it'll drive her wild Smile

Bifauxnen · 03/09/2014 12:16

I really like the phrase "appearance tourettes". It sums up the attitude nicely and allows you to quickly name the behaviour before summarily dismissing it. Will definitely be filing this away to use later.

Bambamboom · 03/09/2014 12:17

My mil is very "thoughtful" she loves to discuss mine and dps weight.
Your mil is either being completely obvious or just plain nasty, either way perhaps just say "it's funny you say that, because I've just put on some jeans I couldn't fit into last month" or just tell her you'd rather not discuss weight etc with anyone as you're trying to lose some and don't need negativity.
Nightmare.

Summerisle1 · 03/09/2014 12:18

YANBU. It occurs to me that she's the one with issues about size. It's also bloody rude.

Itsjustmeagain · 03/09/2014 12:19

My sister in law saw a picture of me at 18 (I am now 31) and said "wow you aged badly"...I was actually really hurt even though she framed it as a joke.