AIBU to want MIL to keep her kind thoughts to herself?

[BreconBeBuggered]

Call from MIL, 'out of kindness', as she looks at a set of family photos she took last weekend. 'Brecon', she says. 'I hope you don't mind me being honest here, but you haven't half put on some weight lately'.

I don't know who she thinks might appreciate that kind of observation, but the thing is, she only ever does this when I have actually lost weight. I get to the point where clothes are starting to feel looser and look that bit better, and every time, every fucking time, she'll hit me with the Fatso Brecon jibe. For context, I'm a size 14-16, while every other female in the photos, including MIL, is a 6-8, so I can't deny I look a bit hefty by comparison, but I don't actually want to be a size 8. Does anyone else have such a thoughtful MIL, and AIBU to think she should shut the fuck up?

We share a MIL, Brecon.

My Mum refused to give a me slice of rubarb tart the other week in case 'I get any fatter' (currently a size 12/14 so not huge)

Not only am I 48 and perfectly capable of making my decisions over what I put in my mouth but I have just completed a 4 month stint of chemotherapy so dieting is really high on my agenda at the moment.....!

(For the record I have only put on 4 pounds during chemo probaly down to the fact I haven't been able to exercise as musch as usual.

I've also gained weight recently and went from being a 'larger size 10' (as I told myself) to finally just buying size 12!

I'm exercising more to lose the weight, but the only comment I've had is from DP telling me I look fine, but to not eat so much junk then complain about gaining weiggt, which helps because I need to be told not to eat so much junk else I forget.

I don't think it would be anyone else's business to comment on it though, I wouldn't be happy if my MIL came out with that.

Your MIL sounds like my mother Brecon. Cat's bum face whenever I eat anything near her, apparently I didn't get a new job recently because I'm fat, I have asthma because I'm fat etc. Some people have really distorted ideas about what is appropriate to say to others.

I reckon feline's mum wins for sheer bitchiness though ! Hope the chemo went well feline.

She sounds delightful, feline
MIL will happily feed us pastry until we burst. Last time we were there for lunch, she had defrosted some kind of mousse, an apple tart and a cheesecake. Ice cream bought in specially for DS2, so that's 4 adults to eat enough puddings to serve at least 12. She'd only have a sliver, and FIL's diet is very heavily monitored to stop him putting on weight. DH and I end up eating too much out of guilt - we don't normally have puddings, but the catsbum face would come out if we didn't nearly kill ourselves trying to please her. If we went there more often I'd be a size 30.

"I hope you don't mind me being honest here, but you've gotten alot more wrinkles. Have you considered using -insert beauty product- so they're less noticeable?"

My mom did this to me, telling me I gained weight. Drove me nuts. I don't remember what made her stop. Maybe I did it back to her?

Anyway, a persons weight should always be off the table in conversations. It's their body, they can tell when they're fat or not.

My mum gives back-handed compliments. If that's the right phrase.

''oooh your hair is shorter/straighter/lighter/darker''.
''yes, i've cut it/straightened it/coloured it''
''Yes, i looks better than before. It was way too long/stragley/dark/light for your age now. I thought that when we were out last week''

cheers mum.

'It's very rude to make comments about someone's personal appearance. I'd rather you didn't.'

And don't eat so much when you're at hers if you don't want to. Fuck the MIL and her cats-bum face.

"Put-down disguised as concern" is my mum's speciality. It's horrible and it really hurts, but then if I'm upset she goes "I'm just so concerned" and then emotional vampires off me being upset :(

I have endured it for years but recently hit a wall and have started politely explaining what is considered rude. "It's very rude to comment on a person's weight and tell them they're fat. Did you know that? It can really hurt their feelings. And most people know themselves what weight they are, so it's not necessary." etc.

Bit at all these posters whose mums make rude comments about their appearance 'but are lovely people, really.'

If someone thinks it's fine to comment negatively on personal appearance to your face, I don't see how they can be a nice person. A one of slip of the tongue is understandable, but I would never ever make a nasty comment on my mum/sisters' appearances.

Firstly because I don't care, and secondly because it's just nasty! Yes I might think 'Ooh not keen on your hair like that' but I would never say it unless directly asked, and even then I would say something like 'Yes it is nice for a change but I personally prefer it the way it was before, up to you though.'

(we moan at each other about lots of things, btw, we are not some perfect walton/brady bunch. Just try not to actively put down the appearance of people we love.)

Anotherone, mine's not a lovely person. She's a rude, uncaring, narcissistic cow who thinks she's a lovely person. I do feel a bit sorry for her because she really hasn't a clue, but I've been hurt so much I'm under no illusions now.

Next time....Brecon says to mil

"I hope you don't mind me being honest here but you are looking very scrawny. Are you ill?"

I shall rise above it and go out for a curry

Next time say 'I hope you don't mind either but I thought the same about you'

My great aunt is like this. Everyone e is fat, and if she can't say that she will find some other way to say it. For example, I have lost the 2 and a half stone I put on in pregnancy, my grandma commented and I said it's weird because it's the first time in years I have lost weight and kept it off. My great aunt said "well you will have to make sure you do keep it off, you don't want to be fat at your wedding"

My PIL and BIL have several times mentioned how much tinier SIL is than me.

It's a bit weird, yes, she's small but bar 9 months post dd2 birth I have always been a size 10 since Ive known them.

Mil was not happy when she saw me the first time post losing the dd2 weight.

Some people are so weird about weight and size. The fact that they are all lean is like some massive point of family pride and obviously SIL is deemed to fit in more than me.

Best to nip it in the bud with a "actually iv lost weight but it's not very nice of you to comment on my weight"

Posy, you are a genius :
' "Gosh, I was just looking at the photos from that weekend and thinking exactly the same. Do you think {whoever took the photos} was using a wide lens, because we all seem to look like we've put on weight…. you especially, MIL. I'm so glad we have the sort of relationship where we can tell each other these things honestly!" '

yes the backhanded compliments are awful too - I had one from the mother of the bride at a wedding - bride was a very dear friend of mine from university - MOTB says 'oh don't you look nice, you've lost weight, Bride told me how you'd ballooned in the last few years'

i am still fond of Bride but she's not such a dear friend as she was...

love Posy's response :)

A charming update.

ILs have been looking through some older photos this time, looking for themed pictures for their DGD. They came round especially to have 'a word' about the fact that I was tiny back then. Tiny and obviously a much less evil person, being at least a stone underweight. And 21, with no difficult pregnancies behind me, or the degenerative condition that scuppered forever my ability to take the kind of exercise I used to. Clearly, having been so delightfully slender in my youth, it is inexcusable of me to waddle around, shamelessly middle-aged, in a size 14 dress.

Apologies for reviving a thread that's almost 2 months old. I was going to tweet 140 characters' worth of amused exasperation, but this channel turned out to be more cathartic.

they sound horrible!!

My mil does this shocked face impression when I eat all my meal and trots out the same line do " another did you just eat all of that!!!!^ while she pushes a fucking roast potatoe around her plate. She actually prides her self on the fact she can eat so little.

In the end i blew up and really criticised her own eating habits . Went down like a lead balloon but it stopped.

What does your dh say?

I think it's an old lady thing! My granny called me fat on Christmas Day 2012, okay I was a size 20 but I was struggling with binge eating disorder and was seeing a therapist. It was horrible to hear her be so blunt. I told her in no uncertain terms to go fuck herself and SHE ended up in tears, playing the confused 'what-did-I-say-wrong?' victim.

Fast forward to Christmas 2013. I'd lost 3st and was wearing a size 14, feeling fantastic about myself. Dinner was being served at 3pm so I nipped I to the kitchen around 11.30am to get a bowl of plain vegetable soup to tide me over and my granny shouts through, 'aye, there she goes again, into the kitchen. It's like she cannae help herself!'

Cow. I haven't seen her since, not counting my birthday dinner this year, where she ambushed me by turning up at my mum and dad's uninvited.

Oh, I'll also point out that she is 5' tall and pretty much as wide. Pot. Kettle.

So what was your reply ?

My Mum has constantly made negative comments about my weight/size, despite me being at least a good three sizes smaller than her. Recently she has been a 26-28 compared to my 16. I did tell her a few years ago that she needed to concentrate on HER weight not others and she did calm it down a bit

Recently she was at my house and asked if OH was Anorexic. She based this on her assumption he had lost weight...he has been 9 1/2 stone for all his adult life and is a 29" waist, but mostly has to wear a bigger size. She also was worried as he didnt have anything to eat at her house so got herself worked up. I told her he had KFC later on our way home (a treat as we dont live near one). I again told her to concentrate on HER weight.

It is ususally disguised as concern but is bitchy when its toward me. I also think its bolsters her lack of self asteem. She just doesn't 'get' how I am not worried about what people think of my size or body beyond thinking it was rude to make a comment

I haven't told DH. He knows what his DPs are like, but he'd go apeshit with them if he thought I was upset or offended. I didn't say much more at the time than a dismissive 'yeah, whatever', as DS2 was there.

Apparently I should be more worried because I'm 'a clone' of my late mother, who was overweight most of her life, even, shock horror, at 21. Yeah, but my mum was nice. She was also on a more or less permanent diet of lettuce and black tea, which quite frankly isn't my idea of fun.