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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get really annoyed at people that always have to dominate conversations?

122 replies

BrazilNil · 10/07/2014 21:27

I went to lunch today with a group of 3 other friends.

One of the friends, I'll call her Lucy, is generally a nice person, but loves the sound of her own voice and whenever she is there she totally dominates the conversation.

As soon as we'd arrived at the restaurant today Lucy started talking about herself and about some (fairly normal, mundane) things that she's done lately. She has a loud voice and just talked over anyone else that tried to talk.

If at any point any of us started to talk about anything, Lucy jumped in quickly and turned the conversation back round to being about her, comparing anything else that was said to something that she had done or had happened to her.

I was talking about a family member of mine that is very unwell and Lucy interrupted and started talking about the fact that her daughter was off school for two days last week with an ear infection. Everything has to come back to being about her. Another friend mentioned a holiday that she has just booked, and within a few minutes the conversation was back on to Lucy and about holidays she has been on in the past.

I know in theory we should all just keep talking, but in practise with someone like Lucy it's difficult as her voice is very loud and she is very dominant. She just seems to expect to be listened to. I find her very frustrating.

AIBU?

OP posts:
blondiebonce · 10/07/2014 23:17

With the Lucy I know I've taken to just replying "oh right cool" and being distracted. Seems really rude but she doesn't notice because she's too busy talking at me rather than to me.

prettywhiteguitar · 10/07/2014 23:23

Oh god I talk at the same time as people ... I'm trying to learn when to shut up and ask questions instead of letting people indulge me

TalisaMaegyr · 10/07/2014 23:24

Those of you that are like this, WHY though? Why is what you want to say far more important than anyone else?

MeeWhoo · 10/07/2014 23:25

To those of you who are anxious in conversation, if you are worried about silences or don't know what to say, I have observed that people who do well in social situations tend to ask quite a lot of questions and listen.
I think questions are easier to do until you ease into the conversation with the added beneit that you also look good as somebody who shows an interest and is easy to talk to (unless you turn into a Gestapo impersonator instead, of course).

VonHerrBurton · 10/07/2014 23:26

Everyone knows a Lucy.

If you don't - chances are you're the Lucy.

Just sayin'.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 10/07/2014 23:30

I work with a Lucy. It makes me feel very punchy

Salmotrutta · 10/07/2014 23:31

I work with someone like this.

Drives me mad.

Thankfully I'm on holidays now for a while so I don't have to listen to it.

UnacceptableWidge · 10/07/2014 23:32

I also seem unable to just stfu!

Whenever I meet friends or bump into neighbours now I mentally remind myself to slow down, shut up and listen.

I Am getting better but it is like a nervous tick, I babble away and Always end up kicking myself for dominating conversations.

I am quieter with family and friends I've known for a long time but any new friends or acquaintances probably want to gag me!

mrsjavierbardem · 10/07/2014 23:36

Talisa, there is no excuse, we are simply insecure and/or rude.

BUT in our favour we ARE the people who can talk to the people who WON'T TALK at all and leave all the conversational work to the talkers!

Grin

just saying....
We is bad but sometimes we is useful.

Of course you will reply, they are not talking because you won't shut up. But I have friends who say, "Please come and talk to X they are so shy and you'll get them to talk!"

Also for ice breaking the Talker can be of use.

Not that I defend the Conversational Dominant-Stomper, but sometimes we have our uses. But we must learn to SHUT IT

mrsjavierbardem · 10/07/2014 23:37

Also I am a massive introducer, because I know everyone, I introduce everyone and I'm pretty good at names, so I think we do need some talkers, and I am learning to shut up.
Also you get away with more talking if you can make people laugh.

mrsjavierbardem · 10/07/2014 23:45

I've just realised I've dominated THIS conversation.

That is bad, I am humbled, I am sorry!

foslady · 10/07/2014 23:48

My Lucy managed to piss me off on my last 2 birthdays

Birthday 1 - 'we're all coming to your house for pizza for your birthday, cheaper than going out' £70 on pizza and drinks later for them all, she sat all night talking about her work, moaning because we weren't bothered about the dvd she'd brought for us to watch (her choice) and when I did mention a film I did like it announced 'I hated that film, it's rubbish' and carried on with the mememe....I thik I spoke for about 5 mins over 3 hours...
Birthday 2 - did go out for a meal, dominated all conversation whilst I sat there like a lemon then just as the food was about to arrive put on the sad face and announced how unhappy she was, how none of her clothes fit her and how fat she is. When asked what size she was/had gone to said she was now a size 10 rather than an 8....at that point I snapped and told her that when she was a 16 like I (unhappily but not in the frame of mind to diet and sat connected to a head set so don't even get to move around at work) am then she could moan

She's the only one who gets me like this. Normally I can hold conversations with anyone - I do the asking questions to get the conversation rolling and find out about people, but ye gods when everything you say is turned to her or totally blanked you give up trying.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 10/07/2014 23:52

Yanbu

I work with one. She knows everything, can turn any conversation back to her, she can be rude and make you feel insignificant too. She dominates the conversation and likes to Lord it over others in the office. She was indulged as a child and hasn't been taught otherwise. Im fairly certain of this.

To get along these days I say very little but listen to her and show interest. Anything I have to say is looked down on, unless I agree with her. In fact sometimes she makes me feel like an idiot.

Vintagecakeisstillnice · 11/07/2014 00:06

I work with a Lucy, she's lovely Grin

I also work with a 'LUCY' even worse she's a Mummy LUCY.

no matter what the conversation is about she'll bring her kids in to it.

Seriously the conversation yesterday was about bikini waxing and she managed to shoehorn her male children in to it, and of course once she starts that's it. . . .no matter how you try to bring it back to the original topic.

weyayechickenpie · 11/07/2014 00:07

I am a Lucy! I cant help myself. I try to get as much info out as possible and then butt in with my own experiences. I cant help it. Im trying to tone in down but I just glaze over when someone else is talking. I think it comes from my dad he takes half an hour to get a story out and Its very frustrating. I am trying to listen more as my mother recently told me I never listen and am to busy trying to get my point across.

wishmynamewasdave · 11/07/2014 00:19

Oh I hate being a Lucy ??

I try really hard not to - I'm extremely conscious that no-one wants to hear my stories... but the more I think I must be really boring, the more my brain fires out of my mouth! I'll listen, and be interested in what others are saying - in fact I love hearing about other peoples lives, but I can never think of any questions to ask them until after the situation has passed, I freeze completely and just appear uninterested and rude. Or, I relate it back to myself. But I'm not that exciting.

I used to be good at conversations! Now I'm pants! My confidence is worsening and the Lucyiness is coming out.

foslady · 11/07/2014 00:19

That's some skill Vintage! I have a variation on this where MummyLucy bigs up child 1 and constantly criticises child 2 - makes my blood boil that she can be so blatent about her attitudes to both of them

UsedtobeFeckless · 11/07/2014 00:38

My name is Feckless and I am a Lucy ... Sad

I talk a lot when I'm nervous and groups of people make me nervous so the more stressed I get the more I witter and the more concious I am of wittering the more stressed I get ... Basically I would take it as a kindness if someone threw a towel over my head!

taxi4ballet · 11/07/2014 00:47

I live next door to a Doggy Lucy. Every single thing is all about her dogs, what they are doing now, what they have done - on and on and on ad infinitum.

You could tell her that her hair is on fire and there's a swarm of killer bees in her letterbox and she wouldn't listen to you, she'd start telling you how one of her dogs got stung by a bee once and had to go to the vet and it cost a fortune....

Redglitter · 11/07/2014 00:55

There's a coo at my work who's so self obsessed it's all about her. If anyone else dares change the subject she goes 'uhuh uhuh uhuh' you know she's not listening. She's waiting for an opportunity to make it all about her again

tallwivglasses · 11/07/2014 01:09

I'm impressed with all the self-confessed Lucys declaring themselves. But I think once you've recognised it you're half way there towards shutting up for 2 minutes and I admit, you can sometimes be very entertaining.

On another note I'm so glad that 'Wendy' has been joined by 'Lucy'. I wonder if they'll get on?

Oblomov · 11/07/2014 01:10

I fear I am a Lucy. I have a very loud voice and I am very self obsessed, particularly ATM, when I have some very big problems.

oh dear. I really must learn to shut-the-fuck-up.

nomdemere · 11/07/2014 02:56

I think I am a bit of a Lucy, oh dear. I'm not even nervous or insecure. Things other people say just make me think of things to do with myself, and for some reason I think they'll be interested in that.

I am also one of those awful people who talks about their own DC and forgets to ask other people about theirs.

I have been getting worse since I began working for myself, and spend nearly all my time either on my own, or with my DC. They don't let me get a word in edgeways so perhaps I'm bringing up a brood of Lucys.

GarlicJulyKit · 11/07/2014 03:26

Things other people say just make me think of things to do with myself

Thing is, though, this is the basis of empathy. The big difference between a Lucy and a listener is whether you just spout out your own experience (holiday in Elevenerife) or stop to think about what common ground this gives you.

Mega-Lucys, like OP's, barely even hear what other people say, let alone relate it to their own experience! I have one of those ... her name is Wendy Grin I need to find a 'Wendy' called Lucy, and introduce them [evil]

Marylou62 · 11/07/2014 07:16

Me too....I am a Lucy....sorry. My Mum said I was born talking....This thread makes me sad. I have been told that I talk too much...but I cant help it. What if this thread was about quiet shy people? I have some very good friends who except me as I am. I have a friend who's DD died and when I went to see her soon after, I apologised for talking too much. She said it was just what she needed...me talking and she could just listen....without any need for her to answer me back. We are very good friends and I make her laugh apparently. Maybe I'm not a typical Lucy because I do listen....I think!! Anyway, I am a nanny and have been told that the reason why my charges talk so well is because I talk to them...all the time...they don't seem to mind and I have had some amazing conversations with toddlers....