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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re dd @ sleepover- parent smoking indoors

107 replies

RedLantern · 10/07/2014 21:12

Ds recently went to a sleepover. I have just had to wash a big bag full of clean clothes as they stink of smoke.

AIBU to think that if unworn clothes in an overnight bag smell, then there must have been smoking indoors and not just in garden?

AIBU to be shocked that these educated, professional people smoke in front of their own dc and also guest dc? I just that that was a definite no no these days. Surely everyone knows about passive smoking?!

AIBU to prevent ds going there again. I feel so sorry for his friend :(

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
olivespickledonions · 11/07/2014 07:02

I can sympathise. I've had this too. Plus the parents drove my dd and their daughter to a party (half an hour each way), and smoked the whole way there and back with the windows shut. My dd reeked!
Luckily she has now fallen out with that friend so thankfully won't be staying there again.

PeppermintInfusion · 11/07/2014 07:06

If they are heavy smokers the smell can penetrate everything.

My grandparents were heavy smokers, I used to have to wash all clothes and shower/wash hair straight away when I got home. My mother said she could sometimes smell smoke on my breath (!!) after being there. It didn't stop my mother sending me there regularly, although I don't think she would if that was the case now.

DeadCert · 11/07/2014 07:17

Had you never been to their house before then. Or at any sort of communication with the other boys parents? Seems odd if the smell was so strong that you noticed it when you went to collect him you'd never noticed it before on them or at their house? I wouldn't let my child stay at a house I hadn't been to.

Perhaps given you have such a strong view on smoking it would definitely be a good idea to check out with the other parents in future.

Also - my Mum had the opinion of me and my sister that we would never do any wrong. We rebelled hard and young, careful you don't make the same mistake with your children as your post comes across as a bit superior in terms of your own children's ability to do wrong. I find it highly improbable that your child's clothes stinking so much of cigarette's that you noticed it being caused by parents smoking in a house around the kids rather than your child actually having at least been there when one of the other kids tried it.

Also, "highly educated" people smoke. DH is a doctor and smokes - ridiculous I know. It's just a lifestyle choice, don't be too judgey.

GoblinLittleOwl · 11/07/2014 07:37

Massive over-reaction. Your son may not have smoked but I bet others would have, to create such a strong smell of smoke. If his friend comes from a house where parents smoke regularly, he and his clothes would smell of smoke. Have you ever noticed it before?

Bunbaker · 11/07/2014 07:51

I don't think the OP has over reacted at all. I grew up in a smokey household - both parents were heavy smokers, and as a result absolutely loathe the revolting stink of cigarette smoke. If other people want to smoke in their own homes that's fine, but don't inflict it on me or any of my family.

I'm surprised that you didn't know the parents smoked. Have you never been to the house?

If DD had been in that situation she would have contacted me and asked me to bring her home because she hates the smell of smoking as much as I do.

todayisnottheday · 11/07/2014 07:56

I do think you're overreacting however I agree it's perfectly reasonable to have sleepovers at yours from now on. I'm a smoker but I think it's unusual for people to smoke indoors these days. I'm wrong, it's not really but it is amongst the people I know iyswim. My dds dad does and dd smells so bad when she comes back, it's horrible.

KneeQuestion · 11/07/2014 08:21

Not nice, but not the end of the world either.

YABU to feel sad for the other child.

adsy · 11/07/2014 08:43

11 is not too young to try the odd fag.
I was a very "good" girl. well spoken, well behaved, good at school etc. but from the age of 11 or 12 was regularly sneaking THE ODD CIG. AND GETTING PISSED AT SLEEPOVERS, ALL THE PARENTS WERE OBLIVIOUS SO PLEASE DON'T BE TOO SMUG!!

kidcrayola · 11/07/2014 08:49

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, I'd be really annoyed if my DS stayed at a friends and came back reeking of smoke from their parents. I don't agree with smoking around children especially when one of those children isn't even yours and is a guest!

TheLovelyBoots · 11/07/2014 08:52

Ugh, gross.

I'm not smug about my 12 year old not smoking so much as I am certain about him not smoking. How ridiculous.

slithytove · 11/07/2014 09:00

I didn't smoke or indeed do anything rebellious until I was 14 and allowed out at night. It's entirely possible that this 11 year old hasn't smoked.

Seems an odd line of argument.

PosingInManilla · 11/07/2014 09:29

Just answering those posters who are doubtful whether smoke would penetrate a sealed overnight bag - yes it would. We have had this happen when staying with inlaws despite us taking less and less stuff each time - knowing that anything unworn would have to be washed anyway. We no longer stay with them but fork out for a hotel down the road (citing that we have too many kids now and we don't want to invade their space). Last time we went, I put my scarf and cardigan in my bag while we were in their house - still reeked of smoke afterwards.

RiverTam · 11/07/2014 09:40

to all those who say 'their house, they can smoke inside if they want' - but it's not just their house, is it? It's their DC's house. I wonder how many indoor smokers have asked their DC if they like their parents smoking inside, and how many would take any notice if they said they didn't like it. Or do you only get a say in this if you're the one paying the mortgage/rent?

Indoor smoking parents are incredibly selfish, absolutely no two ways about it.

TheLovelyBoots · 11/07/2014 09:42

Children have the right to not be around smoke.

CheeryName · 11/07/2014 09:44

DD has a friend whose mum smokes a lot. She takes the old sleeping bag for sleepovers and we know we will need to wash everything.

GobblersKnob · 11/07/2014 09:51

I think you are overreacting sorry.

I wouldn't like it, I detest the smell of smoke, but I would suck it up. My mum smokes, she only smokes outside when she has the dcs but they reek when they come home, it's all I can do to stop myself decontaminating them at the door.

AnyoneForTennis · 11/07/2014 09:54

Thing is anyone could visit that family whilst your child is there.... An uncle/family friends/older siblings bf or gf.

You hand your child over and you lose control

Smoke could be the least worrying thing they are exposed to. You have no idea..... Til it's happened!

AnyoneForTennis · 11/07/2014 09:55

But hey, that's sleepovers for you!!

TheLovelyBoots · 11/07/2014 09:58

I don't agree that you have no idea what they're exposed to on a sleepover. I know their sleepover hosts quite well.

geezerhere · 11/07/2014 10:03

Although i do not smoke now i had my first fag at about aged 9. Was smoking by 11....

AnyoneForTennis · 11/07/2014 10:10

boots you know all and sundry who may visit do you?? And just because you know some families very well, doesn't mean you can be 100% sure your dc won't come across something you disagree with

Cert rated films/games
Porn
Drugs
Alcohol
Adults arguing
Violence
Swearing
Inappropriate behaviour
Abuse

All these things go on in people's homes..... Normal people.

CeliaFate · 11/07/2014 10:10

Yanbu - when my dc sleepover at a relative who smokes I have to wash everything when they come home. Even their coats smell of it.

ithoughtofitfirst · 11/07/2014 10:22

Only skimmed through this thread.

I smoked at sleepovers when I was 12. Just saying.

pilates · 11/07/2014 10:35

YANBU - how awful but you can't stop the parents smoking in their own home. Did your son make any comment about stinking of smoke?

Takver · 11/07/2014 12:18

"AIBU to be shocked that these educated, professional people smoke in front of their own dc and also guest dc?"

Am I the only person who has plenty of friends (some of whom have children) who smoke? I never have myself, but I wouldn't be surprised if I met someone my age (40s) who did, regardless of how educated they are - it was really common when I was a teen, and some people just find it hard to give up or don't want to.