To want one holiday where I don't feel like DP's "booby prize" to his "real" family?

[CrushingFfingCandy]

I probably am but it's doing my head in. DP has been divorced around 4 years. We've been together around 2.5 years. Every holiday or weekend away we've been on he's whinged on about missing his kids - hear me out because I know that sounds bad.

His kids are 17 and 18 years old. They visit every Saturday (well, youngest one does, eldest tries to get out of it more these days and who can blame him? he's 18, who wants to be stuck with daddy every saturday night at 18?). Anyway, we first went away for a weekend about 3 months into the relationship and he went on about his kids and how he was missing them the entire time. Same again when we went away a few months later. I let it go but lets be honest, who wants to go away with someone who is constantly wishing they were with someone else? no matter who that someone else is. I felt awkward.

We went away after a year for two weeks with my kids on a two week holiday. His kids couldn't come although I would have been happy for them to come. Well for the entire two weeks he went on about how he was missing his kids, how he felt guilty that he was taking someone elses kids away and not his own, how his kids would have loved the things we were doing, how he so wishes his kids were there to enjoy it - yeah it's nice and noble that he thinks about his kids so much but there comes a point where you start to question why you're even there if the company he's with is so shit that he spends the entire time going on about his 'real' family.

We went away again a few months later, just me and him and again he spent the entire weekend going on about how he was missing his kids, how he felt guilty because this specific thing we were doing was something he used to do with his kids and ex wife, how he wishes his kids were there etc etc. I just felt so awkward and felt like I was second choice and if he had the option he'd have his old life back in a heartbeat.

We've just been away again (same place as it's a yearly event) and he did the same thing again. Going on about how his kids should be there because it was "their thing" and how he used to love taking them there and how he missed them etc etc. I snapped at this point, 2.5 years later I'm still being made to feel like the booby prize so I told him this. I told him the way he goes on makes me feel like I'm second choice and if his ex said to him "let's get back together and we'll take the kids away as a family like we used to" he'd do it without a second thought. He disagreed and apologised and said he's "trying" to get used to having a new family. But he doesn't treat me like family at all though, he's constantly pining for his "real" family. It does me in that everytime we go away I have to listen to this and then remember phOTOS Ive seen of him truely enjoying holidays with his real family and how happy and content he looked.

Anyway we're going away in 4 weeks for a big two week holiday. AIBU to wish that just for once, he would treat me as if I'm the one he actually wants to be there with?

[IrianofWay]

He might be legally free, but it doesn't sound like he is emotionally free.

[ScrambledSmegs]

WHY are you still planning to get married to this man? You don't even seem to like him.

He definitely doesn't like you, and he positively hates your kids.

[overmydeadbody]

I don't understand why people who don't love and adore ach other marry each other. It makes no sense.

[morethanpotatoprints]

tell him straight its not on, and boy do you go away a lot.

[ladymariner]

My God, I don't even undersand why you are with him, let alone why you are marrying him.

^ this with bells on!

[CrushingFfingCandy]

Well we probably won't end up getting married. I have far too many reservations. One is this constantly whinging on about his adults kids but apart from that it's how volatile he is, how he's impossible to discuss anything with, how he never makes me feel special or that I'm actually wanted. He never buys me flowers (unless he's been a top class cock and then he'll buy me dying, reduced flowers as a peace offering or a bar of chocolate that was on special offer for £1). He never brings up subjects that he knows are important to me - instead waits for me to bring them up and then shows no enthusiasm. He's always moaning, always resenting, always trying too push his ways on to others.

No I agree, we shouldn't even be together. I suppose this was a last ditch attempt at getting someone to say I was the unreasonable one. I wish it was me that was in the wrong because then I could change but it isn't is it. And I can't make him change.

[pigsDOfly]

Why are you even thinking of spending a two week holiday with the awful man Crushing let alone marrying him?

He sounds horrible. Trust me, he won't improve and in a few years you'll either be so worn down with his controlling and having to constantly walk on eggshells around him that you'll either have given up and become a shadow of your former self or you'll be on here trying to get advice about how to get out of this toxic marriage.

Put on value on yourself.

[StanleyLambchop]

It's annoying because I know that somewhere out there is a man who would WANT to marry me, a man who would WANT to holiday with me and a man who wanted me FIRST CHOICE. I mean, ffs I'm not exactly hidious or a shit option. Early 30s, good career, fit and healthy - so why am I made to feel like total shit? Because I'm not shit. I could be someones first choice.

Re-read what you have written there. You know the answer really don't you? He does treat you like second best and you deserve better, no doubt about that. So what are you going to do?

[FlockOfTwats]

YANBU. And i'm not being biased - I am the non-resident parent to my daughter (5). Yes there are times when i think its a shame she isn't here to join in with everything. But when she is here (On weekends, not all weekends) i make it count - We make things, we watch films in bed in the morning and i take her out on the pony i got for her and her brother. Last weekend I spent all saturday leading her on the pony through the hills, through water etc.

I don't just plonk her in her room, do nothing and then take it out on my partner.

I have expressed my feelings about my daughter to my OH before, but not in the way your OH is doing. There is no need for that even with a small child - Let alone with an older one who might not even want to do these things.

I would leave him if i were you. You said yourself there IS someone out there who will want to be with you. Yes they might have children too who they also want to be with, but normal people don't treat the people they love like this over it.

[pigsDOfly]

Put more value on yourself that should be.

[PlantsAndFlowers]

Well frankly it's your choice to be putting up with being second best. Why would you do that?

[MaryWestmacott]

I think the best thing you could do if you don't see this relationship actually lasting, is end it sooner rather than later. End it before the schools break up, take someone else on holiday with you, and let your dcs enjoy the summer without snipping between you two.

[trevortrevorslattery]

he can't get overly excited about getting married as he's been married before

I actually gasped at this now my colleagues are wondering what's so shocking about my spreadsheet. DO NOT MARRY THIS ARSEHOLE

[BOFster]

When you describe him as volatile, what do you mean exactly? That worries me.

Whether that's physical or 'just' verbal aggression, he sounds like bloody hard work to me, and I'd be throwing the towel in before I reserved any more deckchairs with it.

[MrsAmaretto]

I think you should tell hi to move his stuff out, then go and enjoy Thailand with a mate! Why, oh why are you in a relationship with him?

[Aeroflotgirl]

I would seriously think long and hard about marrying this man. His San she control access now they are adults, it's up to them.

[Vintagejazz]

I have no idea why you are marrying this man. I can't even think it's because you're deluded because you seem to have a very clear unstarry eyed view of how unacceptable his behaviour is and how unenthusiastic he seems about his relationship with you.

so, seriously, why are you marrying him?

[GingerBlondecat]

LTB

Yes, Yes I know, I'm original (wink)

[mustbetimeforacreamtea]

How easy is it for you to split up? Is it your home? His? Does he pay for all your holidays? Could you tell him not to come or would it be a case of you not being able to go?

Sounds almost like he blames you in some way for the failure of the marriage. He certainly isn't making the most of his relationship with you. It's only going to get worse as his children start living independent lives. Why waste your life on a man who makes you feel like this?

[Annarose2014]

Well he'd better have a solid gold cock, thats all I can say.

[SquigglySquid]

He can be quiite volatile touchy so I'd need to word it just right

Just going to put this out there, but you should never feel like you have to walk on egg shells to talk about something important. Communication is a key part of any relationship, and if he is stonewalling you on important subjects, it's not going to work.

But, no YANBU, he should be able to enjoy a holiday with you. If he's still upset about his kids, there's a chance he hasn't moved on yet. Nothing wrong with that, he essentially did lose his family, but it doesn't mean you should be caught in the middle of it either.

[HotDogJumpingFrogAlburquerque]

Jesus OP, just DTF and you'll be so much happier.

And at Trevor's shocking spreadsheet!

[Whatisaweekend]

Goodness time to get rid, I think!! He sounds utterly awful and if you think things are bad now, just wait until his adored sons turn around and say "ffs, Dad, bog off will you? I am in my 20's, have a career/house/friends of my own and want to spend a little time with them." He will go into a steep decline!! You, on the other hand, sound rather fab and deserve someone really lovely!