To want one holiday where I don't feel like DP's "booby prize" to his "real" family?

[CrushingFfingCandy]

I probably am but it's doing my head in. DP has been divorced around 4 years. We've been together around 2.5 years. Every holiday or weekend away we've been on he's whinged on about missing his kids - hear me out because I know that sounds bad.

His kids are 17 and 18 years old. They visit every Saturday (well, youngest one does, eldest tries to get out of it more these days and who can blame him? he's 18, who wants to be stuck with daddy every saturday night at 18?). Anyway, we first went away for a weekend about 3 months into the relationship and he went on about his kids and how he was missing them the entire time. Same again when we went away a few months later. I let it go but lets be honest, who wants to go away with someone who is constantly wishing they were with someone else? no matter who that someone else is. I felt awkward.

We went away after a year for two weeks with my kids on a two week holiday. His kids couldn't come although I would have been happy for them to come. Well for the entire two weeks he went on about how he was missing his kids, how he felt guilty that he was taking someone elses kids away and not his own, how his kids would have loved the things we were doing, how he so wishes his kids were there to enjoy it - yeah it's nice and noble that he thinks about his kids so much but there comes a point where you start to question why you're even there if the company he's with is so shit that he spends the entire time going on about his 'real' family.

We went away again a few months later, just me and him and again he spent the entire weekend going on about how he was missing his kids, how he felt guilty because this specific thing we were doing was something he used to do with his kids and ex wife, how he wishes his kids were there etc etc. I just felt so awkward and felt like I was second choice and if he had the option he'd have his old life back in a heartbeat.

We've just been away again (same place as it's a yearly event) and he did the same thing again. Going on about how his kids should be there because it was "their thing" and how he used to love taking them there and how he missed them etc etc. I snapped at this point, 2.5 years later I'm still being made to feel like the booby prize so I told him this. I told him the way he goes on makes me feel like I'm second choice and if his ex said to him "let's get back together and we'll take the kids away as a family like we used to" he'd do it without a second thought. He disagreed and apologised and said he's "trying" to get used to having a new family. But he doesn't treat me like family at all though, he's constantly pining for his "real" family. It does me in that everytime we go away I have to listen to this and then remember phOTOS Ive seen of him truely enjoying holidays with his real family and how happy and content he looked.

Anyway we're going away in 4 weeks for a big two week holiday. AIBU to wish that just for once, he would treat me as if I'm the one he actually wants to be there with?

[pluCaChange]

Sorry, I got stuck on outrage, when I should have also been confirming that of course you could and should be someone's first choice! Just the way that you have analysed his, his ex's and his DCs' behaviour, show that you have brains, and certainly enough empathy that it's unlikely you are the selfish one here!

[CrushingFfingCandy]

No the big trip is just us taking advantage of my kids going away with their father for two weeks. It's never happened before, will never happen again so we said we'd take advantage and go on a proper adult holiday to Thailand. Oh my, I'll not see my kids for two weeks either - maybe I should cry and whine about that for two weeks too.

[CrushingFfingCandy]

See another thing he does is constantly slag off his ex's choice in holidays. He'll say "when I was there the kids always got a good holiday (Spain - EVERY YEAR) and now their holidays are shit because she won't take them anywhere and won't let me take them anywhere."

She now takes them on national holidays coach trips to British places. I think this year they're going up to Lake District. To be fair, that's probably more than what I'll be doing with my kids at that age.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Every holiday or weekend away we've been on he's whinged
he went on about his kids and how he was missing them the entire time
I'm still being made to feel like the booby prize
he's "trying" to get used to having a new family
he doesn't treat me like family at all though
pining for his "real" family
he almost resented us for taking the place of his real family
He INSISTS on it, every year
He can be quite volatile touchy
it will probably blow up into an argument
It just doesn't sink in with him
he gets all arsey and moody
his ex got sick of him dominating
he is really over the top with the poor kids
Yes he's very difficult day to day
he went off on one saying I was unreasonable
he can't get overly excited about getting married as he's been married before

so why am I made to feel like total shit?
Because you keep accepting this behaviour. You keep enabling it TBF. You need to look at yourself to find out why?

I could be someones first choice Yes you could indeed. So WTF are you still with this arsehole who makes you feel 2nd best all the time. And is arsey, and whiney, and moody, and volatile, and touchy?

You know what you need to do. Get the courage up to do it.
You deserve the very best. And so do your DC. Get out there and find what you deserve. Do NOT put up with this knob-jockey!

[LOLeater]

Sounds like he's eaten up by last marriage and himself as a father...

You sound pretty nice OP, sassy and bright without arrogance. He's lucky to get a sec

[WeirdCatLady]

Dear me, he's a right catch isn't he?

Does he bring anything positive to the relationship?

[LOLeater]

Sorry, second chance with you. You are not a booby prize and you know this. He's being a bit of an arse.

[YouTheCat]

He sounds like an utter arsehole.

Not only did he try and control his ex (who sounds as bad tbh), but he's also trying to control his kids.

He can't force the poor buggers to come and he's probably starting to realise this.

Try and have a nice holiday and if he still acts like a twat, tell him. Then get rid.

[pluCaChange]

Oh, dear. As for the big holiday, there are a couple of damage limitation things you could do (all of them, unfortunately, based on the assumption that he's going to be an arse, both on holiday and at home):

• find out how much it would be to cancel/postpone the holiday AND/OR change a name (although you said your DC would normally be with you, you might somehow manage to go with a friend, who would need time to save up!). What about giving the two tickets to his DC (oops, but would that be sans Dad?)
  

• cost extra accommodation and single person supplement for you two to travel together, but stay separately (this could be awkward, as he might insist that you pay, rather than him, as you're the one with the problem which is him!)

[MyUsernameIsPants]

This is the Glastonbury idiot isn't it?

And you're the constant namechanging poster.

What is the point in all these threads OP? You'll just ignore all the advice, name change, and start a new thread in a day or two. It's been going on for the whole of your relationship.

[TheFirmament]

OMG OP

It's annoying because I know that somewhere out there is a man who would WANT to marry me, a man who would WANT to holiday with me and a man who wanted me FIRST CHOICE. I mean, ffs I'm not exactly hidious or a shit option. Early 30s, good career, fit and healthy - so why am I made to feel like total shit? Because I'm not shit. I could be someones first choice.

You wrote this yourself. Not one of us. It's there in black and white and you know it. Cancel the holiday, get rid of Peter Andre, and free yourself up for Mr Right (and even if he never comes along, it will be better than this malarkey). You cannot marry a bloke you feel like this about, and nor the hell should you. Early 30s??! You nave NOTHING to lose.

[HazleNutt]

And why is he running rounds around the ex to see the kids - kids are 17 and 18, they can surely just go see dad when they please? It really looks like he is enjoying all his misery.

[Branleuse]

rather you than me OP.

you get what you settle for

[phantomnamechanger]

I never understand why people go on holiday with their new partners to the same places they used to go with their former partners. There are so many places to go!

[phantomnamechanger]

He should make you feel like a princess, like you are his saviour, his world. I think you really should rethink this relationship. You don't need a man who doesn't really really want and need YOU.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

Crushing I'm sorry I didn't mean to be flippant with the Pete Andre comment. It was just your dp's constant references to loving his kids . I'm not that surprised that he actually doesn't do much with them when he does have them. He sounds entitled and controlling, and I think your reading of his ex trying to re-assert some control is exactly true.

You deserve better. If you feel you want him to come to Thailand with you then warn him about his behaviour before you leave. Seriously, though, I would be tempted to pay the money to change the name on the ticket and take a friend.

I wouldn't be marrying him. Reading threads on here shows that controlling/entitled dps become even more so when they are married, and when they have dcs together. That isn't a good prospect.

[CrushingFfingCandy]

Nothing to do with Glastonbury! You have the wrong person Firm.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Are you really the Glastonbury poster!
Well, I take back eveything I've said.
I wish I hadn't wasted my time cutting and pasting.
Carry on as you were!

[hellsbellsmelons]

Oh thank goodness for that!
Then my PP stands and I'm glad I did all that!
Phew!!

[TheFirmament]

That wasn't me, I know nothing about Glastonbury issues.

[MyUsernameIsPants]

Sounds very familiar OP.

If its not you then fair enough, but the same advice applies to this situation with the other OP.

LTB, if it still like this after 2.5 yrs, it isn't going to get any better.

[Itsfab]

Why are you with him? You sound like you don't even like him never mind love him. Either leave him or shut up moaning as it is obvious this is not a loving relationship.

[CrushingFfingCandy]

Sorry Firm, I mixed you up with Pants.

[Holdthepage]

I don't understand why you are pussy footing around telling him what a pain in the arris he is over his children, he thinks nothing about ruining EVERY holiday you have by whining about them.

Tell him straight, he is a grown up, they are almost grown up, his behaviour is odd & a turn off frankly. Don't wait until you are on holiday tell him now before you go.

You deserve better treatment than this.

[overmydeadbody]

My God, I don't even undersand why you are with him, let alone why you are marrying him.