To want one holiday where I don't feel like DP's "booby prize" to his "real" family?

[CrushingFfingCandy]

I probably am but it's doing my head in. DP has been divorced around 4 years. We've been together around 2.5 years. Every holiday or weekend away we've been on he's whinged on about missing his kids - hear me out because I know that sounds bad.

His kids are 17 and 18 years old. They visit every Saturday (well, youngest one does, eldest tries to get out of it more these days and who can blame him? he's 18, who wants to be stuck with daddy every saturday night at 18?). Anyway, we first went away for a weekend about 3 months into the relationship and he went on about his kids and how he was missing them the entire time. Same again when we went away a few months later. I let it go but lets be honest, who wants to go away with someone who is constantly wishing they were with someone else? no matter who that someone else is. I felt awkward.

We went away after a year for two weeks with my kids on a two week holiday. His kids couldn't come although I would have been happy for them to come. Well for the entire two weeks he went on about how he was missing his kids, how he felt guilty that he was taking someone elses kids away and not his own, how his kids would have loved the things we were doing, how he so wishes his kids were there to enjoy it - yeah it's nice and noble that he thinks about his kids so much but there comes a point where you start to question why you're even there if the company he's with is so shit that he spends the entire time going on about his 'real' family.

We went away again a few months later, just me and him and again he spent the entire weekend going on about how he was missing his kids, how he felt guilty because this specific thing we were doing was something he used to do with his kids and ex wife, how he wishes his kids were there etc etc. I just felt so awkward and felt like I was second choice and if he had the option he'd have his old life back in a heartbeat.

We've just been away again (same place as it's a yearly event) and he did the same thing again. Going on about how his kids should be there because it was "their thing" and how he used to love taking them there and how he missed them etc etc. I snapped at this point, 2.5 years later I'm still being made to feel like the booby prize so I told him this. I told him the way he goes on makes me feel like I'm second choice and if his ex said to him "let's get back together and we'll take the kids away as a family like we used to" he'd do it without a second thought. He disagreed and apologised and said he's "trying" to get used to having a new family. But he doesn't treat me like family at all though, he's constantly pining for his "real" family. It does me in that everytime we go away I have to listen to this and then remember phOTOS Ive seen of him truely enjoying holidays with his real family and how happy and content he looked.

Anyway we're going away in 4 weeks for a big two week holiday. AIBU to wish that just for once, he would treat me as if I'm the one he actually wants to be there with?

[gingercat2]

I think you could do better than this one.

[skinoncustard]

It's the kids/adults I feel sorry for. Mummy decides they get picked up at 5, returned at 5. Coach holidays in the Lake District , ( nothing wrong with the Lake District , but it's not exactly rock & roll at their age!) I think that both parents may get a shock as these boys get older, they may decide that they are fed up being pawns in their parents silly game. It's about time both parents see their children as young adults and let them make decisions for themselves.
If things between you and DP are as you describe. I would suggest you walk and don't look back. You are no ones
second best.

[JoeyMaynardsghost]

he can't get overly excited about getting married as he's been married before

Makes you feel really great, eh! Sorry, but what a nob. He's not considering your feelings at all, only his count, it appears!

I would be having serious rethink of the relationship if I were you.

And book a holiday for me and my children without him!

[NotNewButNameChanged]

OP, did you know that there are men out there who:
a) can be good parents and step parents without making their 2nd wife or fiancé feel they come last;
b) aren't controlling;
c) would see the insensitivity of always going to the same place every year with his new family;
d) doesn't whinge all the time about his past;
e) isn't volatile?

So will you please explain why you would rather stay with your bloke than leave him and find one of the other type? Because I seriously don't get it. If you were 16 and said "but I LOVE him" as your explanation I could understand it. But you're not.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

I'm really confused! These kids are 18 and 17 and mummy and daddy are still sorting out their access! Huh? And mummy says they can't go on on holiday with daddy so they don't?

Surely at this age he should be sorting out visiting (not really access anymore) themselves.

My eldest nephew is 17 now and he and his dad have been sorting access out themselves for years now. The only involvement his mum has is "mum I'm staying at dad's tomorrow so I son't need tea." In exactly the same way as he stays at Fred's, George's and Ron's.

Oh and the regular "Can I have a lift?"!!!!!

[Waltermittythesequel]

Wtf are you still doing with him?

You are getting literally nothing but negativity from this.

Do you live together? Rented or owned? How easy would it be to live elsewhere?

Do you have a friend who could go to Thailand with you?

Seriously, there are no redeeming features to him from what you've written.

[2rebecca]

He sounds unpleasant.
If I'm away with my second husband but without my teenage kids I miss them but don't go on about it to my husband and accept I miss my kids more than they miss me, that's just parenthood and divorce. I send them texts and write a postcard and will sometimes say "x would have loved this" and my husband sometimes says the same about his kids (even though they are both over 18).
The continuous moaning and whining sounds like a pain in the bum though. I'd refuse to go away with anyone who was going to moan all through my holiday, different if he'd just been bereaved or something.
If you've had this nonsense from him for 2 years I'd be dumping him. It sounds as though he'll always be pining for his previous marriage. If he wants to go away with just his kids then he should do it. I sometimes have holidays with my kids and not my husband, due to him having less holidays than me and different interests to my kids. he's also been away with his daughter without me. You have to accept life for divorced families is different. Moaning and whining doesn't solve anything though and just makes him sound like a child.

[FryOneFatManic]

Thing is the oldest is 18 and an adult now, so there's nothing this dad could do to force contact, and nothing his ex could do either. And if the other's 17, then it won't be very long at all before he decides not to visit as much anymore, either.

I think this OP would be better off dumping this bloke, because if the whinging is bad now, it'll get worse when he realises his kids have found their wings.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Him missing his children is the least of your worries. He sunds vile

But for the record, a dad telling his grown up kids he misses and loves them is not embarrassing - it is lovely

[AirConditioningIsMyFriend]

I vote for you taking alpaca instead of DP!

Don't marry him

[AlpacaLypse]

I'm free in four weeks time and have never been to Thailand. My children will be staying with friends in Prague and DP has already agreed to cover work for me. I don't snore or fart in bed. I'm sure the hotel would agree to change your room to a twin rather than a double

Got to be better than spending time with a man you must have realised by now isn't in a fit place to marry you.

[Whatisaweekend]

Goodness time to get rid, I think!! He sounds utterly awful and if you think things are bad now, just wait until his adored sons turn around and say "ffs, Dad, bog off will you? I am in my 20's, have a career/house/friends of my own and want to spend a little time with them." He will go into a steep decline!! You, on the other hand, sound rather fab and deserve someone really lovely!

[HotDogJumpingFrogAlburquerque]

Jesus OP, just DTF and you'll be so much happier.

And at Trevor's shocking spreadsheet!

[SquigglySquid]

He can be quiite volatile touchy so I'd need to word it just right

Just going to put this out there, but you should never feel like you have to walk on egg shells to talk about something important. Communication is a key part of any relationship, and if he is stonewalling you on important subjects, it's not going to work.

But, no YANBU, he should be able to enjoy a holiday with you. If he's still upset about his kids, there's a chance he hasn't moved on yet. Nothing wrong with that, he essentially did lose his family, but it doesn't mean you should be caught in the middle of it either.

[Annarose2014]

Well he'd better have a solid gold cock, thats all I can say.

[mustbetimeforacreamtea]

How easy is it for you to split up? Is it your home? His? Does he pay for all your holidays? Could you tell him not to come or would it be a case of you not being able to go?

Sounds almost like he blames you in some way for the failure of the marriage. He certainly isn't making the most of his relationship with you. It's only going to get worse as his children start living independent lives. Why waste your life on a man who makes you feel like this?

[GingerBlondecat]

LTB

Yes, Yes I know, I'm original (wink)

[Vintagejazz]

I have no idea why you are marrying this man. I can't even think it's because you're deluded because you seem to have a very clear unstarry eyed view of how unacceptable his behaviour is and how unenthusiastic he seems about his relationship with you.

so, seriously, why are you marrying him?

[Aeroflotgirl]

I would seriously think long and hard about marrying this man. His San she control access now they are adults, it's up to them.

[MrsAmaretto]

I think you should tell hi to move his stuff out, then go and enjoy Thailand with a mate! Why, oh why are you in a relationship with him?

[BOFster]

When you describe him as volatile, what do you mean exactly? That worries me.

Whether that's physical or 'just' verbal aggression, he sounds like bloody hard work to me, and I'd be throwing the towel in before I reserved any more deckchairs with it.

[trevortrevorslattery]

he can't get overly excited about getting married as he's been married before

I actually gasped at this now my colleagues are wondering what's so shocking about my spreadsheet. DO NOT MARRY THIS ARSEHOLE

[MaryWestmacott]

I think the best thing you could do if you don't see this relationship actually lasting, is end it sooner rather than later. End it before the schools break up, take someone else on holiday with you, and let your dcs enjoy the summer without snipping between you two.

[PlantsAndFlowers]

Well frankly it's your choice to be putting up with being second best. Why would you do that?