Fairly sure that a family member has gone routing through our caravan, are we overreacting?

[NotActuallyAMum]

We’ve got a static caravan, it’s very much our second home full of our belongings which we leave in it to save us carrying everything to and fro

Because we’re not going this weekend (a rarity) one of my brothers asked if he could go today for a long weekend, which was fine by us. He then asked if his DD and her DP could go yesterday, which again we didn’t have a problem with. When we left last weekend we cleared some space for them to put their stuff on – plenty of room for them, especially as they will eat/go out most of the time. We gave his DD and her DP a key earlier in the week and told them that my brother needs to ring us when he gets there as there’s another key in the caravan but it’s hidden and they won’t find it

My brother has just phoned to say that his DDs DP has found the key – he “saw it as a challenge when you said he wouldn’t find it and he wasn’t going to give up until he did”

The key was in a cupboard in one of those ‘safe tins’ that looks like a tin of food – we just can’t believe he found it, there is loads of storage space in the caravan. OK he may have gone straight to the cupboard that it was in and found it pretty much straight away but really what are the chances of that?

DH and I are absolutely fuming and we want to say something, what would you do?

[KatieKaye]

Excellent point, SDTG.

From other threads on MN (particularly the one about how you should provide "guest sanpro") there also seems to be a certain proportion of folk who think it is OK to rummage through bathroom cabinets while visiting, rather than asking your host if they have X or Y. I've been very tempted to do that trick of stacking a whole load of marbles inside, carefully shutting the door and just waiting for the noise.

Only I know my friends would never be so rude as to go raking about. I think...

[StrawberryMouse]

Bonkers. Of course people are going to look in drawers / cupboards. If you knew you were lending it to someone then why bit clear out / lock away your personal things? Kitchen cupboards dint strike me as personal places tbh.

[EurotrashGirl]

Does your brother generally have difficulties in accepting boundaries, Eurotrash?
Sometimes he does, but that is just the way he is. I'm not saying it doesn't annoy me on occasion. As I said earlier, in the OP's place I would be annoyed but not fuming. I would either A) not let him stay again or B) say "Next time you stay don't go through my stuff and stay out of my bedroom!" I don't think the OP is being unreasonable to want to say something.

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

"Kitchen cupboards dint strike me as personal places tbh."

It wasn't in the kitchen cupboards! It was in her bedroom tucked away behind some other stuff!

[kawliga]

at the number of posters who have said they would also view this as a challenge.

at the number of posters who are asking why OP should care if a stranger looks through her things.

Where was your niece in all this? It was up to her to rein in her guest - 'um, please don't go hunting in my aunt's things'

[sykadelic]

So many people projecting their own situations on the OP's situation.

Ignoring the fact it's a static caravan (which seems to make people think that makes it less personal or "less bad") the OP said:

"...our second home full of our belongings which we leave in it to save us carrying everything to and fro.

We gave DN and her DP a key earlier in the week and told them that my brother needs to ring us when he gets there as there’s another key in the caravan but it’s hidden and they won’t find it.

... it wasn't in the kitchen area it was in a cupboard in our bedroom - behind a box of beer, underneath the beach mat/towels in a bag with a few 'proper' tins/packets of food that we couldn't fit in the kitchen.

The only reason they had to go into our bedroom at all was to put the electric on when they first got there, and it's not like they'd never seen the caravan before - they had a weekend there last year".

I see no "challenge". No normal person with actual manners would take that as a challenge. It's simply a "I need to tell him where to find it".

OP YANBU

It doesn't matter what we think about our holiday homes, what matters is how you feel about yours and your family KNOW that. They knew that was your room, having stayed there before, and searched your personal belongings for something that does not belong to them. I definitely think you need to stop allowing new people stay there because the frequent use really does make it appear like it's a "throwaway" place to you.

I would call them on it when he comes to give the key back: "I didn't want to ruin your holiday so haven't said anything until now, but DN and DP will not be welcome at out there again. We were absolutely appalled that he and DN thought it was okay that he go through our room and personal belongings to find that key. He was never given permission to look through my things and I just don't understand how anyone could think that was okay. It's so incredibly rude and I feel so violated at the intrusion".

[phantomnamechanger]

hear hear sykadelic - I can only assume that there are loads of people on here who, if a friend left the room with their handbag in plain sight, would see it as an invitation to have a good rummage through it!

some of you will end up the snooping MILs of the future, with threads on here about you "AIBU, MIL was babysitting last night and has been tidying my underwear drawer/bank statements/sanpro cupboard, DH says she was only being helpful but I am livid"

[LIZS]

If you had told your dbro where the key was they'd have had to go to same cupboard. I don't think they were unreasonable to assume they could look around unless you were very specific. If you keep personal things there perhaps have a locked area or not allow anyone to stay without you.

[phantomnamechanger]

lizs, that rather misses the point, of course they would have had to go into that cupboard, its the fact that the Op does not know how much other rummaging they did through her private stuff that is annoying - they are unlikely to have gone straight for the correct cupboard and found the key.

when you said he wouldn’t find it and he wasn’t going to give up until he did
^this line from the Op implies they had had a good old root around and saw nothing as out of bounds. that is just plain rude - they were invited to stay, not invited to treat everything in the place as if it was theirs, it was a huge invasion of privacy and shows no respect


do we know how old the niece and dp are yet?

[Carriemac]

Op YANBU how rude of your nieces DP? I would never ever let them stay again . I have a holiday home, and am constantly staggerd by the number if casual friends who suggest visiting us for a few days. No, I don't go on your holiday and stay in accommodation you've paid for, why would you assume you could do that to me.? We do invite people, especially to visit, or stay when we are not there, but it's our choice, and ifi though someone was looking through key bedroom cupboards they would not be welcome again.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

LIZS - when the OP had told them where to find the key, they would have gone straight to it - whereas it sounds as if the niece's boyfriend has gone rummaging through plenty of their stuff before finding the key. The OP says he apparently enjoyed the 'challenge', so he clearly didn't find the key easily - which means lots of rooting through the cupboards and drawers, which contain personal possessions, not just communal stuff like cutlery or teatowels.

How is that not an intrusion? How is that OK?

[AlfAlf]

Yanbu.
DN's DP must be an arse, and as mentioned above DN should have reined him in.
I would have to say something when they return the key, along the lines of, "it was NOT a challenge, and I don't appreciate you rummaging through my bedroom".

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

They opened the cupboard to put food away and saw the very obvious fake tin. Can't see the big deal

[Isabeller]

What a shame that your generosity led to this falling out. I quite understand why you feel so sensitive about your personal things.

I imagine the young man who did this had no idea of the upset he would cause and I hope would be mortified if he knew.

Could you possibly say to them that you hope they haven't been through all your things and that you are rather upset at the idea of this? Give them a chance to properly apologise?

It doesn't matter that people have different feelings about what is private it only matters that you feel your hospitality was abused by someone you thought would have the same assumptions as you. I hope it doesn't sound mean to say that next time you will probably be more explicit about what you do and don't find acceptable.

I've got a track record of failing to anticipate sticky areas with lodgers so I really do sympathise. I hope you manage to avoid a rift.

[OnlyLovers]

Dame, IT WAS IN THE OP'S BEDROOM.

Who goes in a bedroom cupboard (and not even their allocated bedroom) to 'put food away'?

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Well that's even more bizarre and obvious where the key was if -a key in a fake baked bean tin in a wardrobe it's pretty obvious

The first thing most people do is open caravan cupboards and marvel at nifty storage solutions.

[Gruntfuttock]

Dame "They opened the cupboard to put food away and saw the very obvious fake tin. Can't see the big deal"

Dame This is what the OP said:- "Safe tins are indeed obvious if you are looking straight at it, this wasn't the case, and it wasn't in the kitchen area it was in a cupboard in our bedroom - behind a box of beer, underneath the beach mat/towels in a bag with a few 'proper' tins/packets of food that we couldn't fit in the kitchen"

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Weird random hyphen, sorry !

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

DameDiazepam - the key in the fake can was not in the kitchen, it was in the OP's bedroom, behind stuff and under other stuff.

And the niece's boyfriend wasn't putting things away in the kitchen, he was deliberately rooting through cupboards, searching for a key he didn't need, in cupboards he didn't need to be looking in, in a room in the van he didn't need to be in.

He was using the OP's second home as a Crystal Maze style challenge, when it was clearly nothing of the sort.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Oh well, that'll teach me to skim read

I'd have still seen it as a challenge had the OP presented it as she did, secret keys and you'll never find it etc.

[OnlyLovers]

'I'd have still seen it as a challenge'.

I think that's just bizarre, and in this context disrespectful of the host's request and therefore really fecking rude. But this thread seems to have attracted a few people who think it's fine to disregard a specific request to phone for details of the key. I can't understand that myself.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Why does 'seeing it as a challenge' make it OK to go rooting through someone's private possessions, in a room you aren't even supposed to be in?

How is that not invading someone's privacy? And why is it OK to invade someone's privacy for your own entertainment?

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I find the whole 'you'll never find it' bizarre though, why not just say on the phone? It's a caravan not Buckingham palace, there's only so many places a key could be.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Would finding something bizarre be a good enough justification for you to go rolling through someone's private possessions, in a room you weren't supposed to even go in, though, DameDiazepam? Would you play treasure hunt through someone's cupboards?

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I can't actually get that worked up about it tbh

I wouldn't rifle through a knicker drawer, no, but I might open a few cupboards.