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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not understand what friends are trying to achieve by putting their dc's reading levels on fb?

114 replies

m0therofdragons · 09/07/2014 20:25

A friend recently put up something along the lines of "so proud of Emma, she's gone up another reading level - my clever darling." Which tbh I found a little bragging but it's fb and I'm happy her dc is doing well. But since then 4 other friends have "celebrated" their dc moving up to level 10, 13, 11 and 9 - announced by mums in this order (not that that is important really). I don't get it. Different schools go at different rates. Dd is a fluent reader but although her current books are easy they are still interesting her so we are sticking with them not joining the competition of whose child's the cleverest based upon reading bloody levels.
What are these mums trying to achieve? Aibu for being annoyed when I see it. I actually find it disrespectful to the child - but willing to accept I may be being a bit precious on that.

OP posts:

ICanSeeTheSun · 13/07/2014 23:55

ATM I am spending 16 hours a day on Facebook. I have seen like if you love your people with cancer only have 1 wish ect ect. Like if you are against animal cruelty, like if you are against child abuse.
Share if you love your grandchild, daughter ect. 99% of people will not post this < insert what ever>

It's nice to see achievements

SquigglySquid · 13/07/2014 23:59

If you don't like it, hide it. I have a friend who posts her son's school reports when he has a good day/week because he has ASD. I don't see the difference. If you're proud of your kid, be proud of your kid.

I think a reading level is just as worthy of bragging about as a sn kid getting a good behavior report. The kid worked hard, let them be happy.

That said, I do post DD's milestones and brag a bit about her. I see it as mostly sharing though, as it's not a competition. I have a friend who's baby is "beating" mine at all the milestones and that's fine. I'm happy for her.

indigo18 · 14/07/2014 08:37

Ha, stealth boast! Methinks you really want to join in...

JustAShopGirl · 14/07/2014 08:51

I would not put it on my facebook "status" page - public for all my friends and family, I might put it in a private family group.

We do the splitting things up thing - close family group, close friends group, hobbies friends group and everyone else - if you don't see this stuff you aren't "important" enough in my child's life to warrant telling you about it..... i.e. you are not their grandparents.....

TheLovelyBoots · 14/07/2014 08:55

I wonder what would happen if these headcases were dropped in the 70's, when parents were busy swinging instead of talking about their children's reading levels. I suspect they'd be ostracized.

lagoon · 14/07/2014 09:07

Last Friday my FB was inundated with streams of "so proud of my little Timmy with his amazing report" "Johnny is working at level of year 6 in maths and year 7 in literacy!"
FUCK OFF.

Floggingmolly · 14/07/2014 09:54

Nothing wrong with being proud of your children. That's true. We're all proud of our children, but some people still understand that the world at large doesn't care as much as we do. They really don't.

starlight1234 · 14/07/2014 10:05

I posted about my DS swimming achievement this week, mainly because my close friends listened to me moan about how useless his swimming lessons were for a year before I moved him and now he is flying ( well Swimming) so yes I am proud. Never posted reading levels though. I truly don't mind them . I have never seen it but think there is a difference between my child has gone up a level to my child is on lime..feels more prous than competitive but each to there own.

IamSlave · 14/07/2014 10:29

I guess I never enter into these play ground chats either as I discovered early on my dd was fairly well ahead and so I just made other parents feel rubbish when they'd be going on about their dc being level 3 and ask what dd was on. Always felt uncomfortable as she tended to be about 5 stages higher.

Its sad other people made you feel bad for sharing, I think as parents we should all be able to gage where the other children are without being judged either way....its important we communicate without fear.

As for FB yes I am sure some parents are deliberatly boasting but boasting and painting a faux pic of family life IS what FB is for....

anf there are some genuines communitcating to their vfamily

JustAShopGirl · 14/07/2014 10:46

It is something I noticed about my American friends - they are SO proud of their children, their family etc and post every single achievement with what always seems to be a big beaming smile.....

Staying over there for a bit really changed my personal attitude - not EVERYONE is boasting or bragging to try and get one up on you - some people are genuinely HAPPY at their child's achievement.

Why don't (or can't) WE push the positive! Be proud, be competitive, be a bit more congratulatory and happy for the achievements of those around us - it in no way denigrates your own efforts!

Sleepytea · 14/07/2014 10:57

We have a tendency to share things on Facebook because it's the way we keep in touch with grandparents. We don't have school friends on there. I have to admit my children had excellent reports and I didn't put their grades on Facebook as it wouldn't really mean much to the oldies. I have had to tell ds that it's not a good idea to go into school and tell his friends what levels he got because it would be seen as boasting. He is very proud of himself though.

HerrenaHarridan · 14/07/2014 11:00

Why is it people have to perceive it as a competition.

It's ok for then to be proud of their kids and to share with the friends FB or real that they are proud of their kids.

It's not a slight on your kid.

HerrenaHarridan · 14/07/2014 11:06

I also want to say that one on the main reasons I decided to home educate is the while smart shaming issue.

It has taken me 10 years to get over the idea I dont need to be ashamed of the fact I'm actually quite clever. I don't want my dd to learn to be ashamed of her smarts.

IMO there is a difference between sharing achievements and bragging/boasting.

MerryMarigold · 14/07/2014 13:44

Why is it people have to perceive it as a competition.

Because a lot of the people they would be posting to have children of the same age who are in the same situation. Posts like that make it into a competition. I think it would less boastful and just proud if they were telling grandparents or their sister who has a younger child, or a friend who knows them well. But why broadcast it to all and sundry? I was telling my sis something about ds2 today. I would not go on FB and say, "My ds2 exceeded expectation in every single area of the curriculum." I mean, that is boastful as opposed to being proud. I am just as proud of my son who got a special mention for good behaviour despite being suspected ADHD. I wouldn't put that on FB either, but I think it would be less boastful if I did, because it is about overcoming a challenge rather than simply 'being everso clever'.

I am clever and I have never been ashamed of it. But neither do I think it is right to get great pleasure from it. It's a fact. It's more important to work hard and be kind to others. I think there are plenty of rewards for being clever in school. In fact, imo there are not enough rewards for simple effort in most schools. My ds2 is clever and is not ashamed of it one jot, even though we try not to praise it too much (as his siblings are not the same, and are sensitive to it, and also I read on here that you should praise effort not 'being clever'). In fact 2 of my kids think they are clever, which is great as they are clever in different ways. The one that doesn't feel he's clever has had it drummed out of him by the education system, because he struggles in school. I am hoping it doesn't happen to dd, but fear it will as school, including reading levels, promotes one kind of cleverness, which is a kind she doesn't have. I have seen a very insecure boy, who is clever, become very confident, simply through always being top of the class.

BuzzardBird · 14/07/2014 13:55

Is my DD at the only school in the country that doesn't tell you what levels they are on?
I scoured the school report for a clue...nothing.

OPohdear · 14/07/2014 14:14

Ok, this is going to get flamed, but I think it's really wrong and immoral to post anything about children on FB. It's their life, not the parents'. Unless they fully understand the implications of it being there forever and have given informed consent.

This. I think there's a whole generation of kids who are going to hit.the.roof when they learn how to google their own name and see what their parents have been writing about them. It's immoral.

minifingers · 14/07/2014 14:41

"and see what their parents have been writing about them."

Yawn

All the parents I know post gushing compliments about their children. Gushing.

If children grow up and find out that their parents have been boasting about them - well, it's hardly going to psychologically harm them or their reputation.

minifingers · 14/07/2014 14:44

I posted:

"Read school reports. Could try harder. Our family motto" and got loads and loads of likes from people sick to the back teeth of their friends gushing in a loathsome way about their brilliant children.

One mum I know posts - at least once a week - "Brilliant dd, reading again! We just can't stop her!" or "She's a reading machine! Another book finished". This is about a 5 year old who is reading chapter books. I'm tempted to post proud pictures of my children's skid marks in response.

minifingers · 14/07/2014 14:48

"I think as parents we should all be able to gage where the other children are without being judged either way....its important we communicate without fear."

I agree. But only in relation to ds1, who is very clever and has the highest reading age in his class. I have no anxiety or fear at all about his educational attainment.

But I don't particularly relish sharing with other mums the fact that ds2 is in year 4 and still has a level 2 in his writing, because I have a lot of anxiety about it. I don't mind sharing that information with other parents whose children have special needs.

MerryMarigold · 14/07/2014 14:50

Buzzardbird. I think it varies. I have 2 children in different YR classes. Ds2 is very full of what phonics 'phase' he is on and becoming a 'wizzy reader'. Dd's teacher on the other hand doesn't make any deal out of it and I have no idea what phase she is on, even in the same school. No idea what a 'reading level' is but assume that is what colour bookband you're bringing home. Our school doesn't do books like that, so we wouldn't know.

Minifingers. The skidmarks picture would be so hilarious as one of the 'comments' below hers. "This is what my dd did today". I bet she'd get the message!

I'm always boasting about my kids on FB. I hope they do google when they grow up (although since 'Oliver' is one of the most common names around, I'm not sure he'd come up with a lot).

MerryMarigold · 14/07/2014 14:51

(When I say 'boasting' I mean being proud of course . Like when my struggling Y3 came out with, "I am full of vexation!" when getting frustrated with loom bands!).

WorkingBling · 14/07/2014 14:58

Unless the post says, "My DC are all cleverer than all the DCs of everyone on my facebook feed and you're all idiots" I don't take posts like that to be bragging. Some people don't "get" facebook and think it's all a bragfest. I don't "get" why it's so hard to understand that facebook is really like a conversation with your extended family and friends.

My rule of thumb is that if I was chatting with a group of friends and I would be happy to mention something in that context, then I'm happy to reference it on Facebook. And surely reading levels is one of those things people chat about when they're exchanging stories about their children? DS doesn't read so I don't know but seems fairly innocuous to me.

My only issue with a post like that is I prefer my posts to be either humorous or have a social impact. But that's just me!

MotleyCroup · 14/07/2014 15:07

I really don't mind reading a fb status, reporting the achievements of the persons dc, much as I don't mind reading about pupil's achievements either academically or with regards to sport in the local paper. I really don't see anything wrong with it other than it's come from the parent and not a reporter.

I would however stop at listing the levels on fb or as someone posted on here, taking a picture of his/her report

shebird · 14/07/2014 15:09

I understand the need to share the achievements of your DC with family and friends, but really reading levels on FB is just oversharing. There are lots of ways to communicate an achievement without posting on FB.
I am trying to teach my pre teen DD about the dangers of the internet and that pictures and information you put on the net are out there forever. I want her to think carefully before posting things online. It would be totally hypocritical of me to then share every detail of her childhood on FB while telling her to be cautious. I would be mortified if I thought my mum was discussing my report with friends and half the playground.

MerryMarigold · 14/07/2014 15:10

Working, the post you mentioned is actually rude, not bragging. Bragging is much more subtle. You basically mean that (if you have any friends with kids the same age, who no doubt are not all in the same position), but it's much more p.a. "Amanda (Reception) has done SO WELL, having reached magenta band and going to the extended reading group. So, so proud of my little girl, I'll be treating her to the complete Harry Potter collection."

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