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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why this friend wants me to think everyone hates me?

60 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 09/07/2014 17:20

A very good friend of mine, who I have been spending a lot more time with in recent months because our children are close in age and we got back in regular contact through an exercise class. We see each other a number of times a week and have a fantastic time etc.

The only thing really bothering me is that she is ALWAYS telling me how her other friends, her girlfriend, her mother etc don't like me (only her girlfriend has met me and we get on great!!) and are jealous of us spending so much time together.

Don't get me wrong I couldn't give a hoot what people who have never met me think of me but it's annoying me that she keeps telling me. Is she trying to make me feel bad about myself? It reminds me of what the nasty girls in school would say or an abusive partner! Yet at the same time if it is all true, then I understand why she'd want to vent about it but it just seems so bizarre why all these people would have an opinion on someone they've never met, that she pals around with and has playdates with? I don't think any of my friends or family have ever passed comment aside from maybe "Ah it's great for the kids" at a push.

She is an absolutely fantastic friend and I feel really lucky to have reconnected with her as meeting new, solid friends whose company you enjoy so much seems less likely as you get older so I don't want to let it put me off her but it bugs me more every time she says it!

AIBU to be a bit irked?

OP posts:
Slothlorian · 09/07/2014 17:28

Next time say you've noticed that she says that a lot and ask her what it's about ? Could be that these others are controlling and she's enjoying the escape with u. Or maybe she's a bit insecure and over compensating by wanting u to think that others are unhappy about your friendship as they are having to share her ?? If she is truly a fantastic friend then it should be ok to ask her about this. Don't take on crap feelings. You've done nothing wrong !

CSIJanner · 09/07/2014 17:28

TBH it doesn't sound like she's a truly fantastic friend if he's telling you this. You think it isn't true due to how you and her fried you have met have got on - do you think she's jealous? Distance maybe the better option here as it sounds all playground and attempting to demoralise really.

You could always call the friend you have net and ask her out for coffee/park/gym? As if she's telling you this, what's she's telling someone else about you?

sonjadog · 09/07/2014 17:28

Insecurity, I reckon. She wants you to think that you two have a special bond that no-one else has. It sounds a bit odd to me. If I were you I'd make sure I kept up other friendships. This one sounds like it could go odd.

Patticake · 09/07/2014 17:30

I'm really sorry but I'm confused. How can you say she's a 'really fantastic friend' when all she does is put you down? Because that is what she is doing OP. I think maybe you're too nice and polite and she's taking advantage. She sounds very passive aggressive.. giving sly digs but then being a 'fantastic friend'. OP she makes you feel bad. She's a negative person isn't she?
In life you get 'drains' and 'radiators'.. The drains well they drain you make you feel like shit (because they're sad insecure people) whereas the 'radiators' make you feel fabulous after spending time with them.

Ditch the drain.

Wishyouwould · 09/07/2014 17:31

A fantastic friend does not tell you that her other friends, girlfriend and mother don't like you! How can her friends and mother dislike you if you haven't even met them?? - it must be because of something she is telling them.

It sounds like you wants you all to herself. This is not someone I would want to be friends with in a million years. And I don't understand why you would?

Smilesandpiles · 09/07/2014 17:31

She's not a friend.

She's trying to unsettle you and make you doubt yourself. She's certainly got some game going on in her head - it's up to you if you want to carry on playing.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/07/2014 17:33

She does not sound fantastic if she us saying those things to you! She sounds jealous and mabey enveous of you. I would distance myself from her, she is saying nasty things.

Batmansbuttocks · 09/07/2014 17:33

She sounds vile. Nice people don't do that. I had an abusive boyfriend who did that and a few months in to our relationship I found out he had hospitalised his ex and our relationship was going from verbal abuse to physical. She is trying to hurt you. That is NEVER kind or nice. Avoid her.

drudgetrudy · 09/07/2014 17:34

On the surface she sounds a bit of a cow-pull her up on it and ask why she is telling you this, her response will indicate if she's just a bit insecure or if she's trying to put you down.
If it's the latter she is not a friend and you would be better off without her.
A "do you mean to be so rude?" situation.

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 09/07/2014 17:38

I see why you all think that but genuinely it doesn't seem to be to put me down, like there's more a focus on them not liking the friendship than them not liking me personally (as they don't even know me)
She's really quick to be lovely if I am feeling rubbish etc and surely if she was really trying to pull me down she would use times like that to twist the knife?

I'm really confused because she really has been a brilliant friend and I like to think I'm aware enough to pick up on oddities like this and while I do find it peculiar I don't know if it's done to be vindictive, it doesn't seem to be though I can definitely see why you all might think it.

OP posts:
ViviPru · 09/07/2014 17:38

This is really weird. I'm curious as to what else she does that constitutes being a 'fantastic friend'. It sounds manipulative and calculated.

If it's true that those people 'don't like you' yet she valued your friendship and cared about your feelings she wouldn't be telling you what they said, she'd be defending you to them.

Do you think she might have feelings for you? If you have such a wonderful time together she might be misconstruing the relationship and giving off signals that are worrying to her friends, family and GF. In turn she could be creating a them-and-us bubble with you, distancing herself from those people and justifying it by saying they're being mean about you.

Tread carefully.

BirdhouseInYourSoul · 09/07/2014 17:39

I think I would question who the subject of you came up so much to be honest.

It's very odd.

And I'd be very concerned that she is saying the same things to her friends about you hating them too.

Maybe she just wants a strong reason to keep you all separate?

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 09/07/2014 17:42

vivi what you say about the "them and us" bubble really rings true to be honest. She has really been neglecting her relationship and I point blank refuse to make arrangements with her on the days her girlfriend is off work but often she'll say the girlfriend was saying she should make plans with me instead (I still refuse) which doesn't really go hand in hand with the fact the girlfriend doesn't like me?!

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 09/07/2014 17:42

I have a friend who does something a bit similar - not so much the 'they don't like you' but the telling me about jealousy she experiences and how other friends don't like us being close. I think its to try to get me to express how important she is to me, a bit of a plea for attention. If she was doing it to make me feel that she was my only friend I would drop her like a hot brick mind

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 09/07/2014 17:43

I have asked why on earth they would even be discussing me to begin with and I've asked her what the hell she's saying to get this overwhelming response but she just says they're all jealous that I'm "taking her away from them"

OP posts:
PintOfWine · 09/07/2014 17:43

I would reply "why, what have you been telling them about me that makes them dislike me without ever meeting me?"

PintOfWine · 09/07/2014 17:44

Cross postSmile

Pumpkinpositive · 09/07/2014 17:45

She is an absolutely fantastic friend

No, she really isn't.

You need to find new friends, OP.

Patticake · 09/07/2014 17:46

Wow 'jealous that you're taking her away from them'..

I think someone needs to get over themselves.

OP you don't happen to best best mates with Kim Kartrashian by any chance do you?

MexicanSpringtime · 09/07/2014 17:51

I personally believe that passing on negative messages like that should only be done on a need-to-know basis.

I have a friend who had a friend like that. It turned it she was making it all up.

ViviPru · 09/07/2014 17:52

she just says they're all jealous that I'm "taking her away from them"

They may well feel that way, especially if she is opting to spend time with you over them. It's not that they don't like you, they just don't like how their friend has changed since you came on the scene, and that's nothing to do with you, it's not your fault she's mis-managing her relationships and free time. It's very unfair on you.

It reminds me of first year secondary school when we were all finding our feet with friendship groups and hormones were raging.

drudgetrudy · 09/07/2014 17:53

Is she being nice to you from a position of superiority- advising you etc.-If so she is a frenemy who is building her self-esteem at the cost of yours.

On the other hand has she developed a crush on you which other people have picked up on?
If it is the former -get rid.
If its the latter how would you feel about that possibility?

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 09/07/2014 18:03

No she definitely isn't frenemy territory at all, aside from this, which yes I know is definitely worthy of a raised eyebrow, she's really really kind, great fun, really supportive (has offered childcare for when I go back to college etc etc)

I know I may sound a bit naive but there's genuinely no other area she tries to put me down, isolate me etc.
I have an active social life and have maintained that since we started spending more time together and it doesn't intimate her or anything.

OP posts:
Patticake · 09/07/2014 18:08

Well then what's the problem? If she's SO lovely and such a good friend you will be able to ask her why she says what she says.

theendoftheendoftheend · 09/07/2014 18:10

My ex said similar things to me, after we split up I became quite good friends with one of his friends and it turned out he'd been saying the exact same things to them! Like he wanted to keep us seperate.

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