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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DDs reaction wasn't "not normal"?

132 replies

lalala2 · 08/07/2014 20:47

I was out for lunch today with my dad and DD (just turned 3) when a woman came and sat right beside DD as I was cutting up her food and the woman put her face right up to DD and told her to eat up, told her to blow on her food, to use the fork etc and asked how hold she was. DD looked down as she's very shy with strangers and I said "how old are you?", "you're 3 aren't you?" And DD said yes. I said sorry she's really shy, she's starting playschool on Monday so I'm hoping that brings her out of her shell a bit.
The woman then said "that's not normal! No I'm sorry but that's just not normal, she should be able to speak to me!!!" Then she turned to my dad and said "the problem is she's S.P.O.I.L.E.D"

My dad just tried to make a joke about it but the woman was getting really angry and was looking at DD shaking her head saying that's not right!! I was really polite to the woman but I'm fuming a little bit at her cheek, there's nothing wrong with DD, we have a tiny family (just me and DD and we see my dad occasionally) so she's just not used to adults being so forward I think it caught her off gaurd!

AIBU or was DDs reaction totally abnormal?

OP posts:
Deathraystare · 08/07/2014 22:31

I think from you a simple "can you get out of my daughter's face, please? Give her some space" Would have been fine. The woman was out of order.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 08/07/2014 22:31

I diagnose... Missing information :)

As we don't have a medical report nor an extensive set of symptoms, I would politely suggest we cannot determine why.

I do think the woman was being inappropriate and rude, it's so hard in the moment to know how to handle it, but next time you'll be able to whisk your dd away from such a situation.

Btw, I heard some good advice I thought I'd pass on to you as I found it useful! Try to avoid labelling a child as shy and say instead 'oh she's feeling a bit shy right joe' vs 'dd is a shy child' if you see what I mean? It stops the child labelling herself as 'shy' and feeling like that defines her and she can't be something else the next day/ hour/ moment

MyFairyKing · 08/07/2014 22:31

I hate these threads. Sad

An OP posts genuinely seeking reassurance about a situation and the MN armchair diagnosers come out in full force. Poor OP wasn't asking why the woman was forthright, just wanted to know if her DD was behaving appropriately which she was.

SquigglySquid · 08/07/2014 22:33

Loss of inhibitions, obsessive speech and irrational anger are all obvious clinical signs of mania.

Impulsively speaking and ignoring social queues is also a sign of ADHD, Aspergers, Anxiety Disorder, Substance Abuse, Mood Disorders, Trauma, etc...

So really "loss of inhibitions, obsessive speech and irrational anger" aren't really an obvious sign of anything in and of themselves.

GiveTwoSheets · 08/07/2014 22:35

How did you not manage to tell woman to politely pissoff! And back away I don't know and that's from me a shy grown up!

My 3year old DS goes to playgroup but still doesn't like it sometimes when random strangers talk to him he goes all shy and that lady's behaviour would of reinforced why he doesn't like to just talk to everyone.

barrackobana · 08/07/2014 22:41

The woman sounds like fruit loop. Your daughter sounds perfectly fine, I'm surprised she didn't burst into tears actually but remained composed. I don't understand why you let this go on though, perhaps next time you can be more assertive. What an awful woman.

barrackobana · 08/07/2014 22:43

Yes Sqiggly all the above could also be a sign do drunkeness! Really I don't know how you can diagnose MH issues over the internet, daft!

barrackobana · 08/07/2014 22:44

'Of'

maresedotes · 08/07/2014 22:47

The woman was rude. DD2 never responded to people talking to her (didn't speak until she was 3 and then stuttered so being made to speak was awful for her). I used to agree when people asked whether she was shy (she isn't) but then stopped because I felt as if I shouldn't have to justify my daughter's behaviour. I would have said something, you didn't and that's ok too. Try not to dwell on it.

illcounttothree · 08/07/2014 22:50

Huh? This woman was a complete stranger? And just sat down with you while you were out at lunch? How very bizarre. If that'd been me, she'd have been the recipient of a steely glare and a 'Sorry, do I know you?' But then, I can be quite the ice queen.

OP, your daughter sounds perfectly normal. I have two DDs who have both been incredibly shy and panicky around strangers. The elder outgrew it once she'd been going to preschool for a little while and the other (still only three) is getting a lot more outgoing. Like most things, it passes. If I can make a suggestion, try not to apologise for her shyness. Erin's comments are absolutely perfect for use with strangers who think it's okay to pass judgement on your child. And if they carry on making unsolicited comments, fix them with a cold look and say 'Please leave now'.

Ice queen, see?

DustyCropHopper · 08/07/2014 22:52

I would say your dd is normal, but then that would be because dd (3) is just the same. Infact, we went to a family party last week and as it had people she didn't know she barely spoke a word for 2 hours, then for the last half hour she was fine. The woman was odd in my opinion.

KatieKaye · 08/07/2014 22:52

OP: next time (and I hope there isn't one, but you never know) just say "I've taught her never to speak to strangers."

Nannyplumismymum · 08/07/2014 22:53

I think the lady sounds as though she may have mental health issues.

vvviola · 08/07/2014 22:55

You know, my almost 7yo DD who would talk the hind legs off a donkey, is capable of wandering up to random people and engaging them on conversation and is generally the opposite of shy, would likely have been stunned into silence by someone approaching her like that. Almost 3yo DD2, who is quieter and clingy would have burst into sobs and tried to climb into my lap.

Whatever the cause of the woman's behaviour, there was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary that I can see about your DD's.

zipzap · 08/07/2014 23:07

Given that children are frequently told not to talk to strangers, I think your dd did absolutely the right thing in not talking to a stranger that came up to poke her nose into what she was doing.

I would tell her if it happened again, that your sensible child knows that it's not good to talk to random strangers that accost them when out and that you're very proud of her.

It would be very different if the stranger - to your dd - was somebody that you knew, and you could encourage her to talk to them. That's very different from this situation - and if I had a choice, I'd much prefer a young child of mine to not start gabbing away to any random person that happens to start talking to them (particularly in such a bossy way) but to ignore them!

ShadowFall · 09/07/2014 08:19

Your DD sounds perfectly normal.

The only abnormal behaviour displayed there was the woman's behaviour.

I agree with pp though about not apologizing for your DDs shyness. The suggestion about saying that your DD knows not to talk to random strangers would be a much better respond!

AntoinetteCosway · 09/07/2014 08:36

When my grandmother was in the earlier stages of Alzheimer's, before we'd realised what was going on, we were in a restaurant where there was a baby crying. Not for especially long or even especially loudly. Parents were cuddling it etc, all completely fine and normal. After about a minute my grandmother stood up and shouted at the top of her voice 'will someone shut that bloody brat up?!' It was AWFUL. Totally out of character (she loved babies and would never ordinarily swear!), horrifically rude, mortifying for us and for the poor baby's parents. Needless to say it was a trigger for our family to realise she was really not well.

So your toddler sounds entirely normal OP, but the woman may well have had some kind of mental health issue. I'm sorry for your DD that she had to go through that but I'd try and explain to her that sometimes people say mean things when they're ill and it doesn't mean they're nasty people.

Alternatively of course she might just have been a cow-it does sound odd though.

ginnybag · 09/07/2014 11:04

If I had to 'diagnose' the woman, I'd have jumped to one-too-many-with-her-meal before anything else.

And then I'd have told her to shove off.

Your DD sounds fine, OP.

What did you and your Dad actually do/say to get her to move along in the end?

probablyjustweird · 09/07/2014 11:07

Well if a random woman shoved her face in my face and told me how to eat and complained that i didnnt want to talk to her she'd be told to P.I.S.S O.F.F do no YANBU your daughters reaction was totally normal, usually strangers know 3 year olds tend to be a bit shy so wouldn't go around sticking their face up to them.

whatsagoodusername · 09/07/2014 11:31

Your DD sounds perfectly normal to me.

The woman does not. She sounds rude, and probably intimidating to a shy 3yo. Or even a confident, outgoing 3yo.

EarthWindFire · 09/07/2014 11:37

Your daughter sounds normal OP.

I do object however to the playground name calling and labelling of the woman.

IrianofWay · 09/07/2014 11:41

Perfectly OK.

I would put the woman down as a harmless oddball until she started to get angry about it.

CrapBag · 09/07/2014 11:46

YANBU.

Your DD is perfectly normal. My DS is shy and would shy away from talking to strangers, DD chats to anyone and everyone.

I don't apologise for DS as I was a shy child, and I still don't like talking to strangers and find it quite awkward.

This woman was unbelievably rude and you should have told her to go away as she was upsetting your (unspoilt) DD.

notfromstepford · 09/07/2014 11:46

She sounds scary and very rude - your DD did what pretty much any 3yo (and older) shy or not would do! My 2 yo can talk to people until the cows come home, but faced with this he would've hidden behind me. I wouldn't have made excuses to be honest and wouldn't have been so polite. If she was insistent on giving me a piece of her mind - she'd get it right back from me.

HavanaSlife · 09/07/2014 11:53

What a lovely thread