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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go out on nights out with mum friends.

35 replies

bleurghblah · 07/07/2014 12:35

since having my first little one I have been lucky enough to make lots of mum friends from different groups and have a wonderful and active social life for my little one, and have made some really lovely friends.

However, just off on maternity leave for the second time and other mums keep trying to arrange nights out or nights away.

How do I say nicely that I love spending time with them but if I am going to go out for a night it will be with my old friends who I never get to see anymore and that quite frankly, if I have spent all day on a play date with someone, I don't then want to go out for drinks with them as well. Is this just me? Am I being miserable and horrible as well as being unreasonable?

OP posts:
KatoPotato · 07/07/2014 12:36

Just never be free?

7Days · 07/07/2014 12:39

Well don't say that for heaven's sake.

Be busy, or be saving up for a night away with hubby for your birthday or something like that, or go once or twice to something local that won't take up all night.

NynaevesSister · 07/07/2014 12:40

Don't you ever want to make new friends? Ever? Sounds a bit like you only want them to make play dates etc not actually as friends.

Limeandice · 07/07/2014 12:43

Lol

Iswallowedawatermelon · 07/07/2014 12:43

Don't tell them that. That would be rude and would hurt their feelings.

Just go out with your old friends and say you're busy.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/07/2014 12:44

Hmmmm, you do sound a bit unreasonable to be honest. Do you never make new friends? Or are they just women you don't particularly click with.

Why do you never see your old friends anymore? What will you do when all the invitations from your old friends stop and the new lot don't bother anymore either?

Give it a go, you may enjoy it and if after one event you don't like them just come up with excuses - they will stop asking after a while anyway.

unrealhousewife · 07/07/2014 12:47

I think you should say 'I don't get enough time to spend with my old friends, let alone make new ones'. That shows them that you are committed so they will stop wasting their time on you. If you say you're busy they will keep asking the next time and be disappointed.

I think it's a fair point to make and be honest about.

Happydaysatlastforthebody · 07/07/2014 12:47

So you have too many friends? Grin

Life is about moving on especially when you have kids I think as you have less leisure time to spend in friends.

Just beware of always saying no because you will stop being asked and like it or not it's good to network with other parents for your kids sake when they are little.

Downamongtherednecks · 07/07/2014 12:47

Honestly, go out with them! It is good to make new friends, particularly ones at the same "life stage" as you.

DoJo · 07/07/2014 12:48

Why would you even contemplate telling them any of this? Just say you can't make it - I'm sure their social lives don't live or die on whether you are there or not, so why not just decline their invitations and think no more about it?

I think you're making much more of this than there needs to be - if you cannot manage to be friends with more than one group of people at a time, then that's fine, but there's no need to act as though they aren't good enough for you to want to spend time with, that's just rude.

Original poster
bleurghblah · 07/07/2014 12:52

it's absolutely not that they aren't good enough, some of them I like very much indeed and some have been real rocks to me. It's just when we are all together for the third or fourth time in a month and people say we have to go away for the weekend I struggle to get together with my best friends of years and years (who also have kids some of them) and I feel like it should be enough if I am seeing people during the week I don't understand why it has to be weekends as well.

I have old friends who live all over the country who have been there through thick and thin and want to see them sometimes too.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 07/07/2014 12:54

Sounds like you are using them. They are good enough for you to spend time with the children with so keeping you and the DC entertained but not good enough for you to spend the time and effort on.
If you actually like these people the why wouldn't you enjoy their company? If you only like them enough to do play dates ( sorry) etc then you can't really like them that much, which is fine but why get angsty about it?
Don't be surprised if once the Dc's get a but older they drop you by the way

Original poster
bleurghblah · 07/07/2014 12:54

And it's not about not wanting to make new friends as I have made a couple of amazing friends since having babies it's more the nights out organised when you go to baby massage or classes when you go twice and then suddenly someone is organising a "mums night out"

OP posts:
IlikeCowboys · 07/07/2014 13:07

Having been where you are, ever thought that the women would like to meet up AWAY from playdates and have a laugh, drink, meal and chat WITHOUT the little ones around????

I love meeting up with the mums when i have my kids with me but we never really get down to the nitty gritty of chatting as either children interrupt or a mum is wiping it's childs arse!

They want to make friends outside of the "Mums" group and "mums" distractions - i dont blame them, this is what you want to do when meeting up with your "old" friends.

you just need to get of your arse and arrange dates to meet up with your old friends who your saying you don't see that much off, but i'm wondering why you don't see them often? Have they moved on with their new friends?

Original poster
bleurghblah · 07/07/2014 13:14

just because they live in different cities. They have moved on in the same way I have, and made new friends, but I assume it's the same for everyone that once you have two children you just don't get as many nights out anymore. We get together as often as we can.

Maybe I am coming across as an arsehole and I honestly don't mean to, I suppose the point I am getting at is that I have less free time than I used to and so it's making me reluctant to make new mum friends as the expectation seems to be that I will want to spend every weekend possible out on the lash with then when I have already spent a lot of time during the week.

i suppose the answer is some of you think I am so thank you for telling me

OP posts:
KeepOnPloddingOn · 07/07/2014 13:19

I do see where you are coming from. I would at least go on one night out with them though! Unless you have already booked that night / weekend with another friend , why not? If you have booked it up with another mate- tell them!

IlikeCowboys · 07/07/2014 13:20

are they asking you EVERY weekend though? I would have thought a get together (without kids) once a month was prob the norm.

I do this with my mum friends but that get together can be at someones house (after kids in bed) or local pub/restaurant and occassionally when its a birthday, a night of drunken stupour and the men maybe even invited :)

magpiegin · 07/07/2014 13:21

I would just take each invite as it comes, you don't have to do everything but maybe the occasional 'mums night' will be nice, sometimes not. I wouldn't tell them you don't ever want to go out with them though as your opinion on going out might change.

Vintagejazz · 07/07/2014 13:32

I suppose it's a bit like socialising with colleagues that you see every day anyhow. The odd night out is fine and sometimes you make some good longterm friends as a result. But sometimes it's difficult enough to get around to seeing non work friends without using up all your nights out on colleagues.

So YANBU to feel like that but maybe give a couple of outings a chance.

By the way I don't think you're 'using' them. A lot of 'mum friends' are really only short term friendships while the kids are the same age and fall by the wayside once people start to drift back to work, move house etc.

BomChickaMeowMeow · 07/07/2014 13:32

I agree to not make any blanket decisions. What I tended to find is that nights out with old friends were planned longer in advance, so I got those arrangements in the diary first.

What you do find on these nights out (more so than in daytime socialising) is whether you get on with these people only because you have children of the same age, or if you have more in common than just that.

WipsGlitter · 07/07/2014 13:36

But are you actually seeing these other older friends in your free time? Because if you are then you don't have free time so it's a moot point.

But if you just feel like you should see your old friends but don't actually arrange to then maybe you need to accept that you've moved on a bit from them and these new friends are the ones you spend time with?

The odd mums night out is good, it's nice to see people without children cluttering up the place and taking your attention and you can then really get to know people.

settingsitting · 07/07/2014 13:37

I think that you are getting a bit of a hard time here op.

I think that you are just going to have to say that you have other older friends to see as well.

I actually do think that some may not like it , and may indeed drop away a bit.
But you do actually have more friends than you can manage. And it is your life.

Soem will probbaly still ask you out on evenings and some not. But you cant manage them all anyway.

BigTrouble · 07/07/2014 13:46

I can't believe some of these replies! OP, YANBU. For those who have unlimited time, money and energy, knock yourselves out going on all the nights out and weekends away you want, but a lot of us have to choose and can't say yes to everything.

I have met some lovely Mum friends who I see for play dates, etc. in the day. I am in no way using them, just because I prefer to spend the free time / money I have with the friends I have known for ten years and don't get to see as often due to busy lives, distance, jobs, commitments etc. It doesn't devalue these newer friendships, they fulfil something different, and I'm sure a lot of them feel similar to me. IMO, it would BU to drop my old friends an do all my partying with new ones, just because we have our babies in common and they live closer!

I have had one night out with them which was lovely, and I may do again in the future, if I am available and it suits, never say never. They have just arranged one next week which I declined as I have a few things lined up already with my old pals. They offered different dates but I said best to go ahead without me as I am pretty busy over summer already, all true and it was all fine. I'm sure your friends will understand, I don't think you need to say anything dramatic, just that you don't have much free time.

PosingInManilla · 07/07/2014 13:49

Just tell the truth - but nicely!

No-one will take offense at "you know what, I'd love to but I honestly can't get out in the evenings very much and tend to save it for date nights or some slightly less saccharine term and one offs but thanks for asking. Can you do lunch/tea sometime instead?"

Original poster
bleurghblah · 07/07/2014 13:51

Thank you, I was starting to think maybe I had got it all wrong. I don't want to ditch my oldest friends some of 20 years or more, if I am going to the expense and effort of staying in a hotel overnight which is a rarity due to money, then I want to see my oldest and best friends who I haven't seen for maybe months rather than the people I see every week.

I have a friend who I have made as a mum who has declined countless invitations from me over the weekend as her husband works away and she never sees him and I don't get offended.

I think everyone has said really helpful stuff here and I am rely grateful to those of you who said don't say never as we because you are absolute right.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
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