DF wants to pay DD's school fees

[SunshineQuack]

This is all a bit theoretical at the moment as DD is still in primary school, but probably likely to get less theoretical soon.

DF said to me recently that he would be willing to pay DD's school fees, either for when she's older, or if we wanted to move her to a decent prep, sooner. He isn't suggesting it as a loan or anything (no way could DH and I pay that back), he just said he doesn't want one of his grandchildren to have fewer opportunities than the others (DB's kids are all private). He also said DH and I shouldn't look at it as him giving us money which we wouldn't be comfortable but giving something to his granddaughter. I think he'd like to pay for her to go to the same boarding school that DM, DS and I all went to, but has said he's happy for DD to be at whatever school is right for her.

I've talked to DH about it, and he thinks that we should accept this offer. We are not in a position financially to send DD private and we won't be for the foreseeable. I have mixed feelings about it. Currently DD is in an RC primary school which is a feeder school for one of the better RC secondaries in the area. It's state run, and I personally like it, but of course a place at the secondary is not guaranteed. I am not sure how comfortable I am taking such a lot of money from DF (he is well off, but it's still a fortune) and I also am not sure I want DD to have the same kind of upbringing I had. I was miserable at boarding school and ended up developing an eating disorder and had a lot of anxieties which took me years to shake off. I also worry that DD would have problems at private school as she won't be coming from the kind of home where she spends Easter in Barbados. DH, who went to boarding school on a scholarship and bursary, and had a great time, thinks I am worrying too much, and also says we can always look at day schools and that even if we went boarding, that would probably mean she'd be home at the weekends these days.

AIBU to turn down such a great opportunity for my DD or should I stick to my guns?

p.s - I also know that RC education has its downsides as well, and I do have worries about that, but the non-religious comprehensives near us are really not good at all.

Honestly, I wouldn't.

It's not just the fees but the lifestyle attached that I'd worry about (as you've already pointed out)

Could your DF consider putting the fee money away to cover her Uni expenses/ house deposit etc instead?

Money aside, you need to all look round the schools and make an informed decision on where you think your DD will be happiest. Not everyone who goes to a private school leads a charmed life holidaying in exotic places etc, there will be people there with the same insecurities as everyone else.

For me personally, sending my child to a boarding school is a big no no but that's not to say it's wrong. I was desperate to go to boarding school when I was a kid (thanks to Enid Blyton) but my mum and dad weren't keen at all.

So yes, disregard money and look round - you will get a gut reaction where you feel your DD will flourish.

Are there any grammars in the area? Maybe he could pay for a tutor in the meantime and she could try out at that? If not, what about telling him you would like a tutor and then at 6th form she could go private for A Levels IF she turns out to be academic enough to make it worthwhile...otherwise, suggest he puts it in a trust fund? She could buy a house with that money!

You seem have sound knowledge of the private system as you and Dh and families were privately educated.

I think it is sensible to think it over especially if she enjoys her current school.

Your df sounds very fair regarding your choice of schooling etc.

What happens if you fall out with your dad?
Most people I know would definitely take it up & see how things go. I don't know if your dad's judgement is great, to be honest, if he left you miserable at boarding schools for years.

I wouldn't what to either as the pressure of worrying about not being able to afford it on my own if I had too would be too much for me. I just wouldn't want to be beholden to anyone, no matter how fantastic the relationship.

Perhaps he could enrich her life in other ways. Music lessons, holiday to Monet's garden if she likes art, trip to the Albert Hall if she likes music.

Research the schools really well before you make a decision. DD is at a fee paying school in a v posh area, some of her friends are absolutely ROLLING in it, and some are as normal (lifestyle wise) as you can get (including us).

She's v v happy there and there are no issues with "keeping up with the Jones".

The two things I would be concerned about are

1. will you have more DCs and would your DF do the same for them, or would you be happy for them to go to a different school if he didn't
2. is there any chance that your DF would feel he should have a say in the choice of school as he is providing the money?

I teach in a private school and our intake is extremely mixed. A lot of our kids have their fees paid by grandparents and by no means does everyone spend Easter in Barbados. Of course there are some families who are extremely affluent, but there are also lots and lots of normal incomes as well.
Honestly? I would accept his very kind offer. But that doesn't mean you have to send her to a school you're not happy with. Tis the season for open days/evenings so I suggest you get out there and have a good look at the schools available. It sounds like a day school would be best for you, to manage your understandable reservations about your own school days. But actually it's about what is best for dd. Take her to her state secondary, and the day schools that she can get to without a ridiculous commute, and a couple of boarding schools. See what she likes best, and follow her lead.
Exciting times - your father is a very generous man, and I understand that he wants all his dgc's to have equal opportunities open to them.

I think it's reasonable to rule out boarding school based on your experiences. Lots of people are unhappy at boarding school (although I know that some aren't!). Why not look around the local secondaries when the time comes, state & private, & choose whatever you think is best - that's what your dad is offering, financial freedom to choose the best school for your DD.

Fwiw my grandparents paid half my school fees, & my brothers school fees, all one of my cousin's fees & gave money to those of us who went to uni. Much appreciated. And depending on the school you might well find a social mix of people, not all exotic holidayers...

I always urge caution when a gift like this is offered. There will always be a tie or compromise.

If after two years your daughter was languishing at the bottom of the class, would DF then consider it a waste of money? If you fell out would he still pay? How involed would he want to be in terms of pregress evenings, seeing school reports etc? And I suppose not really that relevant but is there a possibility DB would feel your children were being treated more favourably than his? Also, I think you mention a DS - does she have children and are they at private school? If she doesn't have children would your father be prepared to do the same for her when she did?

In fairness, it sounds like a very kind and wonderful offer, but if you were to accept you need to have considered every possible angle in advance to make sure (as sure as you can be without a crystal ball) that there will be awkaward consequences down the line.

I'd be on it in a flash! Most independent schools are not full of flash people who go to Barbados in Easter or Skiing in St Moritz over New Year. They are mostly full of normal people who are trying to get the best education for their children.

I'm looking at scholarships and bursaries for my child and the state schools around here are all pretty good.

You could be me, boarding, check, eating disorders, check. That said, I'd consider a day private school. Although, if I'm honest, the help for university tuition if she gets into the good ex secondary may in the end set dd up better for life. My dad is putting money in savings for dd's university tuition, if help is being offered, that's what id want. We had dd in a private nursery and we found the social aspects pretty tough. they had a board of where people went on holiday 'i went to Dubai', 'I went to Italy', and dd 'i went to the sea', hard not to feel patronised. Also I worry about the tendency to compare upwards, can lead to a lot of life dissatisfaction.

You hated it dont send her you were miserable, say to him thank you very much but could youmaybe put the money into savings for university for her.,

So yes, disregard money and look round - you will get a gut reaction where you feel your DD will flourish.

This ^

Re using the money to buy a house instead, my PIL once told me that they sent my DH to private school because they felt that a good education was something they could give him that no-one could ever take away. ( Yes, I know you can get a good education at state schools too, but not in their particular circumstances at the time).

If your DF is making a genuine no strings attached offer to his DGD then you need have no qualms about taking it. Presumably he loves your DD and can make his own financial decision.

That doesn't mean, however that you need to send your DD to the same school you went to. Does your DF realise how unhappy you were there?

You need to make the best choice, with your DH and DD, for which school is best for her. My suspicion is that if you had a bad time at one particular school, then it would be difficult to hide those fully if your DD was there, so look around for somewhere different.

All boarding and day independent, and indeed state, schools are different; and each will suit different children in different ways. Start from scratch, with an open mind and wait to see which school feels right for your DD, without letting the money or your past influence the decision.

A good school will not make your DD feel uncomfortable for not holidaying in the Bahamas - if some students do, bear in mind your local RC school may have some students that make your DD feel bad about not liking the right band (or whatever). That is part of growing up and building character. Besides, I'm pretty certain that granddad paying the fees rather than parents will not be a very unusual situation.

Most families at private day schools don't holiday in Barbados or have huge houses or flash cars or ponies. They are spending all their spare money on school fees… And lots of children at private schools have their fees paid by grandparents (or bursaries).

I think rejecting boarding school is fair enough, but as other posters have said, day schools can have a very different atmosphere and social mix. I would welcome your father's offer as a way of broadening your choice. Have a good look round all your local secondary options, state and private, and if it turns out the one you like best is private, you now have the possibility of picking that one. It may still turn out that your local state schools would suit your DD better, but at least you have the choice.

I wouldn't. But it depends on the relationship you have with your dad.
If my parents offered this sort of gift they would expect to interfere and control all along the way.

I should say, my dad was just like indrid's PIL, skinted himself to send us to private school for that reason and it was very clear who had the money and who didn't, teenagers find these things out very quickly and while the nice kids will patronise the paupers, I'm aware that we were definitely left out of things because our parents' faces didn't fit. I also didn't want dd having the experience of going to parties with people living in million pound houses and thinking that's a normal life. All experience is particular though.

I would have to go for it but just do day school not boarding. It is not a gift for you it is for your daughter. How does she feel about it? Parents at private are generally not rolling in it. It seems most have two working parents and they are doing everything they can to scrape the money together.

OP if boarding school is out then tell your dad that. See if he'd be on for paying day school fees - much cheaper and a bigger cross section of people. Where I live we're spoiled for choice with superb day schools!

Also - and maybe this is me BU - but I think its really rude to take the offer of paying for DGC's school fees and say can you buy me a house or put it in savings for her...

If I were your DB I would then feel as though his DC's are being unfairly left out

I must admit, I think DF would probably want to have a bit of a say in where she went. I think he'd also probably expect good results - there was a LOT of academic pressure in my family when I was younger and I think he still thinks that all our education was worth it because we got very good grades and all went to Oxbridge.

I think I probably also need to sort out the boarding school issue with DH. He thinks we shouldn't rule it out, as he had a great time (but he was super sporty) and both my DS and DB were pretty happy.

I do like the idea of a uni fees fund - currently DH and I are paying into that, but obviously any extra help would be massively appreciated.

gen why on earth would you say that people living in expensive houses are not normal?

Depends on your relationship with your dad really, mine would understand. a lot of our parents haven't cottoned on fully to the fact that degrees are required for so many things and tuition fees and living costs for uni are a huge problem our generation of parents will face.

WordFactory she said that's not "normal life" not that the people aren't normal.

It's NOT normal life either...it's the life of a very, very few people.