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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DF wants to pay DD's school fees

84 replies

SunshineQuack · 02/07/2014 09:55

This is all a bit theoretical at the moment as DD is still in primary school, but probably likely to get less theoretical soon.

DF said to me recently that he would be willing to pay DD's school fees, either for when she's older, or if we wanted to move her to a decent prep, sooner. He isn't suggesting it as a loan or anything (no way could DH and I pay that back), he just said he doesn't want one of his grandchildren to have fewer opportunities than the others (DB's kids are all private). He also said DH and I shouldn't look at it as him giving us money which we wouldn't be comfortable but giving something to his granddaughter. I think he'd like to pay for her to go to the same boarding school that DM, DS and I all went to, but has said he's happy for DD to be at whatever school is right for her.

I've talked to DH about it, and he thinks that we should accept this offer. We are not in a position financially to send DD private and we won't be for the foreseeable. I have mixed feelings about it. Currently DD is in an RC primary school which is a feeder school for one of the better RC secondaries in the area. It's state run, and I personally like it, but of course a place at the secondary is not guaranteed. I am not sure how comfortable I am taking such a lot of money from DF (he is well off, but it's still a fortune) and I also am not sure I want DD to have the same kind of upbringing I had. I was miserable at boarding school and ended up developing an eating disorder and had a lot of anxieties which took me years to shake off. I also worry that DD would have problems at private school as she won't be coming from the kind of home where she spends Easter in Barbados. DH, who went to boarding school on a scholarship and bursary, and had a great time, thinks I am worrying too much, and also says we can always look at day schools and that even if we went boarding, that would probably mean she'd be home at the weekends these days.

AIBU to turn down such a great opportunity for my DD or should I stick to my guns?

p.s - I also know that RC education has its downsides as well, and I do have worries about that, but the non-religious comprehensives near us are really not good at all.

OP posts:

Gen35 · 02/07/2014 10:29

Sorry I should be clear, it's not that wealthy people are not normal, but that lifestyle is not a norm that most of our dc will ever reach in terms of affordability. You have to be amazingly good at something to earn that much money. Maybe my dc are plodders, they should be happy plodders, not feeling like failures. And we were really shocked at the number of very wealthy people at the school, we expected more people who just scrimped to get the best education like us.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 02/07/2014 10:29

She didn't say the people were abnormal, she said it wasn't normal to live in an expensive house - by which I would understand that she was saying it was not 'usual', or the norm if you will.

NotYouNaanBread · 02/07/2014 10:32

Nobody I know who sends their children to private has holidays in Barbados. More like Cork (Ireland) at best! They're all relatively normal families. It might be different in your town/city, though?

Private doesn't have to mean boarding, does it? I agree that boarding wouldn't be great for your family if you have bad memories of it, but if there is a day school in your area that your daughter would enjoy, then you would be VERY unreasonable to turn down such a generous offer from your father.

TheWordFactory · 02/07/2014 10:39

Oh I see gen...

But is experiencing things that aren't the norm a problem then? Would it really make your DC feel like a failure?

After all there is always someone richer, thinner, prettier (to misquote diabolically)...

Johnthedog · 02/07/2014 10:39

Most importantly, take her to the schools you are looking round. Make sure you include her in the decision. We did this, and ended up at the very local comp. DC wouldn't have stood the pressure of the private school and is happiest at the top of the comp. She has lots of time in the evenings to do other activities rather than sitting in the bus/car. I went to private school (loved) then public school (hated). What drives me mad with the untidiness of my daughter's books and less rigorous structure at school is counteracted by her creativity and independent thinking. We are saving the money so she will come out of Uni without debt and have a deposit for a house, if she wants one. This will give her the freedom of being able to do what she wants on her timescale (have a friend who wanted to have kids when financially secure now left it too late).

Original poster

SunshineQuack · 02/07/2014 10:40

Oh, other questions people have had - we won't have any more DC. I had an awful pregnancy with DD and we made a very firm decision after she was born that she would be our only one. So this would be a one off for DF.

With regards DB's children, I don't know how he'd feel about it. DSiL and he earn a lot more than DH and I, but obviously school fees are expensive. That's maybe something to bring up with DF.

OP posts:

titchy · 02/07/2014 10:55

why not send her to a private day school then?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 02/07/2014 11:04

Tbh id be of the mindset of just making sure dd goes to a good school that suits her. Have a look around the local.comps and the feeder school for her primary (I was under the impression that you were always guaranteed a place at your feeder school.but I might be wrong).

Also view some local private schools (and stand your ground on Boarding!) And together with dd see which make her feel welcome or the ones you can see fit.

If the private school is the right school for her, then start addressing these concerns with your df.

I dont mean to he morbid but what if something happens to him whilst she is at school? Will have jave something in his will to support financially throighout the rest of her education?

Madsometimes · 02/07/2014 11:11

You are clearly a high achieving family. Would your dd be seen as a failure if she doesn't get into Oxbridge? Would everyone be swooning if she went to a red brick ?

Take a look at your local day schools and let your dad know that your dd will not be boarding, just to check that the offer still stands.

RaspberryLemonPavlova · 02/07/2014 11:22

Where do sixth form leavers go from your local RC state school? My DS, at state school, is off to Oxford with school today. His school have a very good track record for Oxbridge and are very confident of the support they can offer to students applying.

And what would your Plan B be if you didn't get a place at the state school.

Gen35 · 02/07/2014 11:26

word depends on personality of course, it's also not about experiencing things outside the norm, it's about peer group effect. To most kids, their peer group is their norm. If nearly all your friends live in huge houses and you don't, it takes a lot of maturity to understand that your peer group is what's unrepresentative. Also, not all private schools are the same, we may have had a bad draw from the school Dd was in, absolutely.

Tangerinefairy · 02/07/2014 11:27

I agree with Troopers post. I don't know what your circumstances are OP but when my parents kindly offered this when Dd was unhappy at school I considered it briefly. Then I looked at it in more detail and just the uniform was beyond our pockets let alone the lifestyle of the other children attending the school.

LongTimeLurking · 02/07/2014 11:28

YANBU to reject the idea of boarding schools.
But I think YABVU if you don't at least investigate what private day schools are available locally and see if they would be a good fit for your DD. I think it is potentially a life changing opportunity - if you have the choice between a decent private school vs the average comprehensive then there really is no choice in my mind.

I also think you are wrong to assume all the kids in private schools will be coming from homes where 6 week holidays in the caribbean are the norm. Many will be from similar backgrounds to yourself and some will be even poorer as the parents are putting every penny into paying the school fees!

fluffymouse · 02/07/2014 11:28

Have a look at the private secondaries near you, see if you like them and think they would suit your dd.

I would accept this offer for your dd.

Having also been to private school I can tell you that not everyone is very well off. There were a lot of middle class families who prioritized education, lots on scholarships/bursaries too. I really wouldn't worry about that side of things.

Rubadubstylee · 02/07/2014 11:29

SunshineQuack
With regards DB's children, I don't know how he'd feel about it. DSiL and he earn a lot more than DH and I, but obviously school fees are expensive. That's maybe something to bring up with DF.

If I was your brother, I wouldn't give two hoots what money your father gave to you/your daughter, but my time on MN has taught me this kind of thing gets people Very Angry Indeed!

Your brother may feel he is being penalised for earning a good wage, or that his childern are less favoured, or he may be like me and think you dad can do what he wants with his money and good luck to you all - only one way to find out...

UsedtobeFeckless · 02/07/2014 11:34

I think look around and see which day school ( private or state ) seems the best fit ... All kids are different when it comes to what sort of set-up suits them, school-wise.

Also talk to your brother about your Dad's offer and see what he feels about it, my Gran paid my brother's school fees and not mine or my sisters, which definitely rankled. The family line was that he needed extra help but we felt it was because he was a boy and more important than us

We all got the same degree anyway so there ...

VSeth · 02/07/2014 11:36

I would look at all the schools and options, I know people that are not upper class but hard working people who send their children to a day private school.

Don't be scared of wealth, money doesn't make people better people. They are just the same as you and I when you look beyond the money. However a private secondary school may give your DD a better education.

PrimalLass · 02/07/2014 11:37

I would accept his offer but say no to boarding.

defineme · 02/07/2014 11:46

I assume you are RC? So would have a good chance with the secondary?

In no way would my df have had a say in my dc education, I know them best. If you think he would be able to pressure your dd re results then are yoj prepared to let that happen?

What do you think your dd will gain? There is a lot to be said for a local school as othershave said. If you think your Oxford degree was an end in itself fair enough. However, I would reflect on your current career etc...did you achieve that because of boarding school etc and was it worth it?

I think the right school for your dd based on your personal experience and knowing your dd is paramount. But stranger to stranger on the internet, I just cant see what good your and your dh's education did you that would persuade you to part with your only one for boarding.. You were unhappy, you aren't earning enough between you to fund one child to go...

KnackeredMuchly · 02/07/2014 11:49

I would jump on the offer in a heartbeat. Say how grateful you are to be able to choose the best school and when the time comes you can look at private and state and see what's the best fit.

soaccidentprone · 02/07/2014 11:52

Ds2 goes to private school. He is in his 1st year of secondary, after attending a state primary.

My fil pays the fees. We show his the school reports, but he does not interfere at all. He trusts us to do what's best for ds2.

Ds loves it there. Yes, there are some children whose parents have loads of money (swimming pool in the garden type of stuff), but not all like that. We definitely do not fit into that category.

It's about doing what's best for your child. Ds1 was offered the opportunity, but wouldn't even entertain the idea of going for a look around! Ds2 is very different. He is very motivated, very confident (and of course very bright - he passed the entrance exam with no additional tutoring) but also very easy going.

Ds2 is the kind of child who volunteers for things (go in on Saturday as it's open day etc), but has always done this.

We only went to look at one private school, but we all felt that ds2 would fit in well there. None of his friends from primary are at the same school as him.

Do your research. Do what's best for your child

Badvoc2 · 02/07/2014 11:58

I would not accept the money as it's seems that there are strings attached.
She is your dd.
If you and she are happy at the current school why move?
Does your dd know you were unhappy at boarding school? If so it seems strange he is suggesting it....

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/07/2014 12:00

I wouldn't take the offer if you are happy with the state school you had in mind for DD. I would be worried that your Dad would want too much of a say in her education and push her for very high standards that might not be realistic. The fact he left you unhappy at boarding school is a big warning light to me. And the fact getting into Oxford justified the means of going to the school you hated and which made you ill.

I would park the issue for now and say, "thanks for kind offer. We are currently happy with primary school. Let's review when the time for secondary school comes".

QisforQcumber · 02/07/2014 12:08

My DF pays for DS' school fees. Day school only.

We have no issues at all being the "poorer" parents. There are lots of us on mid-range incomes who are:

a. scrimping and saving on 2 full time wages
b.getting finical assistance from family members/inheritance
c. Only children

We don't spend holidays in Barbados (although some do) but a few of us do go camping together and its a good laugh. We don't have to keep up with the Jones' and we don't have a hope of trying!

5Foot5 · 02/07/2014 13:11

I was wondering about your DB too. Is he likely to feel it unfair that your DF pays for one lot of GC school fees and not the others?

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