DF wants to pay DD's school fees

[SunshineQuack]

This is all a bit theoretical at the moment as DD is still in primary school, but probably likely to get less theoretical soon.

DF said to me recently that he would be willing to pay DD's school fees, either for when she's older, or if we wanted to move her to a decent prep, sooner. He isn't suggesting it as a loan or anything (no way could DH and I pay that back), he just said he doesn't want one of his grandchildren to have fewer opportunities than the others (DB's kids are all private). He also said DH and I shouldn't look at it as him giving us money which we wouldn't be comfortable but giving something to his granddaughter. I think he'd like to pay for her to go to the same boarding school that DM, DS and I all went to, but has said he's happy for DD to be at whatever school is right for her.

I've talked to DH about it, and he thinks that we should accept this offer. We are not in a position financially to send DD private and we won't be for the foreseeable. I have mixed feelings about it. Currently DD is in an RC primary school which is a feeder school for one of the better RC secondaries in the area. It's state run, and I personally like it, but of course a place at the secondary is not guaranteed. I am not sure how comfortable I am taking such a lot of money from DF (he is well off, but it's still a fortune) and I also am not sure I want DD to have the same kind of upbringing I had. I was miserable at boarding school and ended up developing an eating disorder and had a lot of anxieties which took me years to shake off. I also worry that DD would have problems at private school as she won't be coming from the kind of home where she spends Easter in Barbados. DH, who went to boarding school on a scholarship and bursary, and had a great time, thinks I am worrying too much, and also says we can always look at day schools and that even if we went boarding, that would probably mean she'd be home at the weekends these days.

AIBU to turn down such a great opportunity for my DD or should I stick to my guns?

p.s - I also know that RC education has its downsides as well, and I do have worries about that, but the non-religious comprehensives near us are really not good at all.

I think you risk your dd being very annoyed at you in the future for turning down this opportunity, particularly if she is academic. I know its unfashionable in some sections of society to think that females can be academic and career-minded and want the best marks to get into uni (which private schools tend to achieve) and instead should concentrate on more ahem holistic matters. I think you are propelling your own ideas about private school v. non-private, and I find it odd that you see nothing wrong with sending your dd to a school that segregates on religious grounds. You are also denying your dd the opportunity you and your DH had yourselves.

Grandparents paying private school fees must be one of the most common fee-paying arrangements out there. I'm sure you can find a private day school which offers an excellent education and other services and not deny your dd this opportunity.

Why would DD be annoyed? OP's reasons for not accepting the money (if that's what she chooses to do) are prefectly valid. She's as likely to be annoyed that she is being sent to private school (plenty of people with bad experiences of private school, like OP).

Oh goodness, lots to think about. Thank you so much MN.

With regards to my schooling and my being left when miserable, it's all a bit complicated. I think from my DF's PoV, he sent me to the same school my DM went to, after she sadly died. It was something that at the time I wanted as well (because it was where DM went) and it was (and is) a very prestigious school. When I got there, and decided I didn't like it, he insisted I 'give it a proper go' and I don't think that was a bad message for him to give me. It was the wrong message under the circumstances (looking back) as I didn't settle, the school were useless with regards to things like bullying, no one handled the eating disorder well, and I should have really left, but I don't think he knew that at the time. I also think he was in a very difficult situation as a widower and while he made some bad calls, it wasn't because he didn't love me. It was because he didn't know what to do.

With regards to whether my schooling was worth it - I got good grades, I got into a university I absolutely loved, I have had a lot of career opportunities as a result of said university which I wouldn't have had otherwise, I made some amazing friends at school and at university and I love them all, plus I met DH at university which makes it all worthwhile.

With regards to academic pressure, that's a real concern, but I think that's a concern wherever DD goes and it's something I intend to shelter her from as much as possible. Having said that, she's a lot more confident than I think I've ever been, very bright, a real live wire and I think she might benefit from an academically competitive environment in a way that I didn't.

With regards the RC thing - we are regular church goers, and we have a pretty good chance at the local RC school. That it is segregated on religious grounds is something that worries me, but, honestly, there are very few good non-religious comprehensive state schools in our area and places are like gold dust there. I wish I could just send her to the local comp but I don't think it would be right for her.

I'm probably being a bit unreasonable and projecting a lot of my own issues on DD. Writing this down has made me think that at the very least I should look into the options available and probably talk to DB (and DSis - she doesn't have children but I guess might in the future) about how they feel.

I certainly didn't mean to imply he didn't love you..it just seems odd to suggest boarding for your dd when he knows you hated it.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm sure your df thought he was doing the right thing but the "tough love" approach for a recently bereaved child makes me very sad :(
I hope you manage to come to some agreement about what you and your dd want.
X

If your dd wants to go private then surely day school is a good compromise?
Also, she may want to go to the RC secondary with her friends, and it sounds like you would get in no problem.
I think your first port of call is to ask your dd what she thinks.

Badvoc2 - oh, I didn't take it badly at all! It was just something I wanted to explain. I think day school is a good idea and it's something I'll look at and see what there is in our area.

I'll also talk to DD about it with DH and we'll have a good sit down and talk about her options. She's a very social child and I think that maybe the thought of the local school with her friends will appeal most. She may be interested in boarding school in that her cousins go there and she's quite impressed with her cousins, or she might prefer a local day school.

I guess it's definitely worth looking into all the options.

Absolutely.
Make sure you check out ALL the options...your dd is very lucky to have you in her corner x

I don't understand all the posts to reject boarding out of hand. Most boarding schools also take day pupils and the added bonus is flexi-boarding where Dd can stay at school overnight should she want to on a pay per night basis either occasionally or regularly for a few nights per week. This is really handy for a million reasons from wanting to stay with friends to working longer on a pet project to a late activity to exam revision to family emergency. Both my Dd's prep and secondary school offered flexi boarding and she loved the opportunities it presented.

The independent sector is so much more varied from school to school that at least one visit is essential. My Dd's prep school did Saturday morning school because Wed pm was team sports, so she attended every Saturday morning for lessons there with her future class for quite a few weeks. By the time she started full time at prep school she already felt at home. When she left for secondary after passing Common Entrance, the head was able to advise on which private secondaries would likely be suitable for her and which could be a poor fit.

It depends upon your dd, this is for her future, she needs to be in an environment where she will thrive. Your father has given you the opportunity to explore more options than you had previously, good luck with making the right choices for her and with her

It's a very lucky situation to be in. Lovely to have the offer and the backstop of funding for schooling beyond your means if your DD does not get your preferred state option, is unhappy there, or has needs that cannot be met by the state sector.

I think it would be wise to keep your options open and view a selection of schools which may suit your daughter closer to the time.

Many boarding schools offer taster weekends
Many boarding schools offer weekly boarding
Your DD with open discussion and visits to local state/independent and boarding schools may well have an opinion.
If you both work FT and your DD has after or pre school hobbies requiring significant support [talented athlete/musician for example] then weekly boarding may be a very practical option for a social child.
Perhaps your DH's school would suit your DD more than your alma mater
You have had different experiences, but have both been through the system and know what to look out for.
Ultimately you always have the option to remove her from private and revert to state if it doesn't work out.

I also worry that DD would have problems at private school as she won't be coming from the kind of home where she spends Easter in Barbados

Never ever understood this mentality, I went to private and at no point did I ask people what cars or yachts their DP had before becoming their friend.

In fact on my first day I befriended or was befriended by a very snobby girl, and my first words were I cant afford lunch here we don't have enough money...

I was certainly not in the oldest banger at the school gate drop off, but not far off...in amongst the larger, flashier cars, I just dont think anyone gave a damn...

Now when I meet people and when people meet me, I dont think the car or house we have makes the slightest difference to who gets on with who...

I think there are private schools where your half term holiday destinations matter, and those which don't.
And there are children who will feel the difference, with siblings who won't give a fiddlers. It's all dependent on your child as an individual - the first step is to persuade DH of this, the second is to convince yourself that your experience won't necessarily be your DD's. For one, she [hopefully] won't be recently bereaved.

Really Tread?

I think people are people where ever you go...I just dont know anyone who likes someone and can spend time with them and listen to them, based on the car they or their parents drive.

Just a small thing.... Those saying that lots of parents/kids in private schools come from 'normal' backgrounds are being disingenuous at best. Excluding scholarship/bursary children (let's be generous and say 10 in every year group) everyone else is paying fees. And as average day school fees are £14000 (according to the latest telegraph poll) and the average salary is £25600 we can assume that most people who send their kids to private school ate earning way above the average. They may feel they are 'normal' in relation to their peers, but relative to large swathes of the UK population they are wealthy...
Op... Depends what you think the purpose of an education is.. If you think it's to get the best possible results, connections and opportunities in order to ultimately gain eve economic advantage over others then go for it. As you pointed out doesn't always mean that that's a recipe for long term happiness though...

Maybe Hettie, but a lot of people sacrifice a lot of things in order to send their children to private school. We had a bursary, two of our boys managed a scholarship (from the state primary), and we drove ancient cars, had bloody cold houses, never went on holiday and generally scrimped and saved to do it - I don't begrudge having done it, but it was our choice and I certainly didn't feel martyred by doing so. Not all independent schools are massively expensive like Eton/Cheltenham etc - there are plenty of smaller ones who can provide a good education.

The one thing that I would be wary of is allowing your DF to put pressure on your daughter as a "return" on his investment. If he wants to gift the money then it has to be no strings attached and the outcome has to be a happy child enjoying her education not one feeling the weight of someone else's expectations.....

Most independent school parents do earn above average wages, but many have a household income of around 50-60k. Now by any stretch this is good money, but it won't buy you an enormous home, a flashy car, holidays in exotic locations several times a year and school fees. It will get you a secondhand car, a 3 bed semi or a tiny flat if in the SE and maybe holidays in Spain if you scrimp.

The OP hasn't said her income, but I suspect that it is above the £25k average, but that there is not enough left at the end of the month to be able to afford school fees. In fact boarding school fees average £30k per year, so are completely unobtainable to the majority of parents that use private day schools.

I think that your old school may be a bad idea just because you were unhappy and it may distress you or you may not be able to talk really positively about it to your DD.

I'd have real concerns about this being a conditional gift. I would happily accept broadly unconditional gifts on behalf of my DD. I don't think it would be reasonable for such a large gift to be wholly unconditional or it could be squandered on ponies or something. But I would expect to choose the school, day or boarding and for the grandparent not to bring it up in conversation with the child. I don't mean that your DD shouldn't know that he is paying, but no 'you only got Bs in your report, what am I paying for?' comments.

I wonder whether it would be a better use of money to suggest he saves it for her to get a house/flat or even suggest day school with the balance going towards a deposit. Your DB's children may get parental help into the housing market and this might be a better place to 'equalise' things.

If I was in your shoes and the offer is genuinely no-strings attached, I'd go for it.

Not all independent schools are full of very wealthy people, so I wouldn't let the fear of "not being able to keep up" get in your way. My DD goes to a prep school- there are quite a few children whose parents are professionals, have businesses or farmers. Clearly, they are comfortable but not "rolling in it". There are a few children whose parents are incredibly wealthy, but DD has never really noticed the difference and I've never felt inferior.

Go and see some local schools and see what you think. If you don't like any of the schools, then you don't have to move her from her current school. On the other hand, you might find a school you and your daughter love and give her opportunities she might not otherwise have.

Agree with Tread. I went to private school. There were lovely people there who probably didn't care how much money my family had or where we went on holiday. But if you got a jumper for Christmas while everyone else got their own TV and other expensive gadgets you are going to feel like a poor relation. And if everyone else is talking about expensive holiday locations and you had a week in Wales, then you just can't join in. I'm sure some children wouldn't let this bother them. They would be the ones with more self confidence than I had.

I went to a private school on a scholarship and was always very aware that my family were in a different financial situation to those of my friends but I was never made to feel different because of it. I also received a fantastic education and am very keen for any future DCs to have the same opportunity.

Oooh and FWIW DM went to a private school in the same county and she wouldn't even let me apply for it as she had such a terrible experience there. There is a huge range of fee paying schools, its not just a choice between day school and boarding surely?

for those who say it matters where you holiday etc, did it impact on your education in anyway to feel financially inferior? I don't think its a good enough reason to deny your DD the chance.

Have you not asked your DD what her thoughts are?

we can assume that most people who send their kids to private school ate earning way above the average. They may feel they are 'normal' in relation to their peers, but relative to large swathes of the UK population they are wealthy

I went to private school but certainly felt poorer than others on our road which was mix of private and social housing and my DM knew a smattering of all on road and I played with kids on street.

My DF wage as self employed just covered our house hold bills, and my DM stopped being a sahm at 50 and went to do pay roll job and that covered my fees...or so we thought, now realise DF was getting further and further into debt.

We were pretty much only family on street with no dish, old banger, no holidays, most other families went as matter of course at least every year...no hair dressers for any of us, basic clothes needs met, second hand uniform of course, didn't go on any ski trips with school, or like that always the basics to london etc...carpets thread bare, old b and w tv, no aerial...cold water in winter, faulty boiler...other peoples houses seemed luxurious, nice carpets and furniture and warmth...

But if you got a jumper for Christmas while everyone else got their own TV and other expensive gadgets you are going to feel like a poor relation

that was me, I never felt like a poor relation...I never feel inferior to anyone who has more money than me. Or superior to anyone who has less.

Lots of very wealthy people do send their dc to state schools.

• frostyfingers Wed 02-Jul-14 18:45:56

Yes, this was us!

Easter in Barbados? Yes, sure, some kids at private schools go on lots of flash holidays, but equally others are only there because their parents hardly go on holiday at all - one private schoolgirl I know goes to see relatives an Easyjet flight away for a couple of weeks each summer and that's it.

A lot also depends on the school: how many kids are there on bursaries, the head's attitude etc.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I hope your DD is happy.