DF wants to pay DD's school fees

[SunshineQuack]

This is all a bit theoretical at the moment as DD is still in primary school, but probably likely to get less theoretical soon.

DF said to me recently that he would be willing to pay DD's school fees, either for when she's older, or if we wanted to move her to a decent prep, sooner. He isn't suggesting it as a loan or anything (no way could DH and I pay that back), he just said he doesn't want one of his grandchildren to have fewer opportunities than the others (DB's kids are all private). He also said DH and I shouldn't look at it as him giving us money which we wouldn't be comfortable but giving something to his granddaughter. I think he'd like to pay for her to go to the same boarding school that DM, DS and I all went to, but has said he's happy for DD to be at whatever school is right for her.

I've talked to DH about it, and he thinks that we should accept this offer. We are not in a position financially to send DD private and we won't be for the foreseeable. I have mixed feelings about it. Currently DD is in an RC primary school which is a feeder school for one of the better RC secondaries in the area. It's state run, and I personally like it, but of course a place at the secondary is not guaranteed. I am not sure how comfortable I am taking such a lot of money from DF (he is well off, but it's still a fortune) and I also am not sure I want DD to have the same kind of upbringing I had. I was miserable at boarding school and ended up developing an eating disorder and had a lot of anxieties which took me years to shake off. I also worry that DD would have problems at private school as she won't be coming from the kind of home where she spends Easter in Barbados. DH, who went to boarding school on a scholarship and bursary, and had a great time, thinks I am worrying too much, and also says we can always look at day schools and that even if we went boarding, that would probably mean she'd be home at the weekends these days.

AIBU to turn down such a great opportunity for my DD or should I stick to my guns?

p.s - I also know that RC education has its downsides as well, and I do have worries about that, but the non-religious comprehensives near us are really not good at all.

Yes frosty and rock.... But there are families lots of families who have threadbare carpets, camping holidays and 'old bangers' who still couldn't dream of sending their children to private school. Even if you can only afford the basics after paying for fees it still puts you in an extremely privileged position. Lots and lots of people can only afford the basics.... That's how far removed other people's lives are..a return Easy jet flight in a school holiday would be considered a massive luxury to many

My grandparents made this offer to my mum, she turned it down and sent me to the local comp. I loved it there and made friends for life, went on to a top Uni and have a good job now. I realise this is just my experience but thought I'd throw it out there.

You were miserable and developed eating disorders and other anxieties. Do you hate your daughter that much? Wow.

I think it has the potential to cause a lot of family friction - but I do look at the worst case scenarios, then when it turns out better I can be pleased, LOL.

• the pressure to perform to your father's expectation is a big one... those niggling comments about expecting her to get better grades, focus on her studies etc are going to undermine your parenting - is she an "academic sort" or more of an all rounder?
• what if father decides to withdraw his financial support? THis might be manipulative (because of grades, or some other family disagreement), change in his financial circumstances, or even his death (see I am a worse case scenario person!).
• Could cause a wedge between you and brother - this is a big investment in your daughter that he is not giving to them for their children... I am sure they are making their own sacrifices to pay for private, and seeing you get it "for free" might cause resentment
• what about "other" expenses, laptop, uniforms, school trips, "building funds" etc etc. My limited experience of private school is that the fees are just the start of the costs, there are lots of other expenses that can be eye wateringly expensive.

Lots to think about, but seems like time is on your side (unless you need her name down now)...

Brabra - I really don't hate DD. She's the centre of my world. I was miserable at school, but having talked a lot about this over the last couple of days with DH, I don't think it's fair to say I was miserable because I went to private school or maybe even boarding school. I was miserable because I was a teenage girl dealing with a lot of family stress, including bereavement, and later on my father's remarriage and feeling alienated and isolated. I was also at the wrong school for me, where I was put under a lot of additional pressure to perform and also badly bullied which the school did not handle well. I ended up feeling very isolated and very out of control and used not eating as a way of signalling distress. I think many of these issues could have arisen in the wrong state school.

DD is not in the same family situation and I really hope never will be. I also would not send her to the same style of school as mine. I know not all private schools and not all boarding schools are the same. As I've said elsewhere, DH had a great time at school and really flourished. Having said that, we won't send DD anywhere unless we're really sure it's right for her and unless she wants to go.

Jenny70 - I think those are concerns. I talked to DF and he feels DB will be fine and says he has helped DB too, just in different ways and he said firmly it would be fine. I'm not sure it's appropriate to push any more as to how DF spends his own money.

I think we can afford the additional expenses of uniform etc if we're careful. We're not low income and as a poster above guessed, we earn above the national average. We're just not able to commit to school fees + extras + saving for DD's future and giving her the opportunities we want her to have now + living in London. If the school fees stopped we'd obviously have to withdraw DD to another school, but I don't think DF would do that unless his financial situation changed dramatically.

Those are all good points though.

To everyone - DH and I talked a lot last night, and talked to DD, who was a bit overwhelmed by it all, but was very excited and interested although I think she's not thought it all through yet. We've agreed we'll look at schools of all sorts with certain provisos - nowhere that is so far she can't come home quickly and easily if she needs to. We'll then do some open days and look around and talk to DD about what she likes. We are also not dismissing the state sector - it might be that the local RC school which her friends are going to is right for her.

Thank you for all the advice.

Does it have to be boarding? Also, if she wants to board for A levels/Int'l Bac, she would be 16 and just pre university really. Weekly boarding at that age with skype etc can be less a shock than full term boarding of the olden days (lining up weekly for landline to phone home).

If you did take the offer up, could your father do a contract or something out so grandaughter's funding would continue irrespective of up's and down's of relationships?

I know she is young yet, but just wanted to point you can keep options open for later on.

I wouldn't consider boarding school for my DC but would be tempted by the offer of private school as a day pupil. But I'd share your concerns and look very carefully at the school. I'd be looking for a smaller, friendlier environment rather than a prestigious school. Your father sounds very respectful of your choices for dd.

Yes tbh, even though your dd is different, a maternal ed history you must know is an indicator for your dd having similar issues. That said, a lot of schools offering flex boarding now does seem like a significantly different prospect than the experience of people that boarded 20plus years ago. Good luck with the decision.