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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my parents buy us a house?

134 replies

Anewmeanewname · 01/07/2014 15:06

We have been looking for a new house for a while, but have struggled to find anything meeting our requirements in terms of budget, location, no of bedrooms, garden etc.

My parents offered to help. DH then suggested a (to my mind) ridiculously grand property nearby that meets all our requirements, but that is also about £350k above our budget. I asked my dps about this house (in a rather joking way) & they've just offered to buy it for us outright.

This means we'll be able to keep our current property (the mortgage is almost paid off) as a rental property. This other house is a dream house, perfect location, massive garden, huge rooms etc. The children would have an amazing house to grow up in. Our current house is a 3 bed terrace - very nice throughout and in a lovely location, but only a courtyard garden and getting too small.

My parents are rich - giving us this money won't impact upon their lifestyle in any way.

However. I still feel grasping & uncomfortable. I've never asked them for anything before & have always been proud of what dh & I have managed to achieve on our own. On the other hand, this will give our dc the sort of childhood home we could never afford otherwise.

WIBU to accept the money?

OP posts:
MummyBeerest · 01/07/2014 16:26

In your situation, do it. Congrats!

Notmadeofrib · 01/07/2014 16:27

I think that even if you protected this via a trust you would struggle on marriage breakdown for it not to be taken into account.

(Joint names/own name means nothing, you would need something else)

If your parents were to buy it via a trust (50% by 2 trust to avoid some of the tax implications) and you as a beneficiary of the trusts were able to live in it, but only at the discretion of trustees, it would offer some protection, but it could still be challenged. If the trust were well written and the trust was run with 'social issues' in mind (~AGM's held etc) you will find it's better protection than 'hope'. (I've seen far too many money battles)

BTW I'd take them up on their offer but make sure I took advice. I would def speak to an estate planning chartered financial planner (they will have a legal team they use, but it's the money that need protecting here IMO)

AlleyCat11 · 01/07/2014 16:27

I know what you mean by pride. I've always looked after myself, with a few quid from home here & there when I've been stuck. Have never asked for a sum of money. My fella is the same, saying he doesn't want anything from my Dad once we're hitched. My parents are wealthy, his aren't but we both live by this principal. I know I'm in for a big inheritance & I don't like to think about it.
However, if you're comfortable with the idea (your husband clearly is) then go for it. It's a generous offer by your parents, and not expected by you. All of my friends have had help from their parents with property, children & weddings. It's the norm, it seems. Just, getting your head around that is difficult... I find to be, too!

roundtoit · 01/07/2014 16:27

go for it, we gave our DS a large deposit for his house and were happy to do it, you are a parent and would do everything possible to help your children , well your parents are doing the same.

Susyb30 · 01/07/2014 16:29

I would do this one day for my children. . (If I was lucky enough to be in a position to! ) what a wonderful gift from your parents. Im so jealous! And what a great investment for your children. Best wishes x

upyourninja · 01/07/2014 16:30

What a lovely thing to be able to offer - it sounds like a wonderful gift, particularly from your parents to your children. If as you say there are no strings and you come to a suitable arrangement which you can live with in case of separation, and you can afford to run it, I'd say go for it Wink

MorrisZapp · 01/07/2014 16:31

Should you accept a dream house from your lovely wealthy parents ... Hmm, well I can see your dilemma.

Oh no hang on, I totally can't :)

Apatite1 · 01/07/2014 16:31

I'd be ok with it, but my husband wouldn't want a hand out from his in laws. A loan would be fine.

If it won't cause tax issues/sibling jealousy/strings attached/husband's wounded pride: go for it!

DrFunkesFamilyBandSolution · 01/07/2014 16:35

Oh my yes!

I would thrash out the legal side first (eg, if it affects your siblings inheritance, wwyd if you got divorced etc).

Notmadeofrib · 01/07/2014 16:36

You could also avoid IHT on your own estate by using the trust route BTW and save your kids a whole load of big bills (plus any separation battle is less likely to challenge the trust if it's the children's money too). I wouldn't discount it even if you have a very strong and solid marriage, the use of the gift into a trust at this point is a very solid bit of intergenerational wealth planning.

mumtosome61 · 01/07/2014 16:37

Do it. I understand the feeling of guilt but like others have said, providing the legal side of things are tied up and ensures you are all covered and are happy with the situation, bloody do it. I would do the same.

Why should you be criticised for being in this situation? You're not begging or pleading and it sounds like you're thinking with the best intentions and ensuring everything is as fair as can be. I can't see why you'd be criticised beyond jealousy of your situation, which isn't something you should worry about Grin.

RockandRollsuicide · 01/07/2014 16:38

I do have 2 siblings, but they both have very lucrative careers and are much better off than us, so have never needed any help like this. I don't think either of them would object, but I would expect that this gift should certainly be deducted from my share of any inheritance

It doesnt matter your parents need to sort them out, clear it with them or be clear about it....just for the future to prevent simmering resentment..

SEmyarse · 01/07/2014 16:39

YANBU, but personally i couldn't do it. There's no way I could accept this off someone without earning it myself. I'm not sure what I'm going to do if my mum leaves me any inheritance, I'd just be far too uncomfortable with it.

maninawomansworld · 01/07/2014 16:43

If it makes you feel any better about it, a few years ago my parents handed me the family farm, the house and a couple of other associated businesses and properties - total value circa £7million.

If you feel grasping and uncomfortable then think of me.

On a serious note, they are helping provide a good upbringing for their grandchildren and you can always ask them to consider it an advance on your inheritance and get them to amend their wills accordingly. My farm was my inheritance - I just got it early.

RockandRollsuicide · 01/07/2014 16:44

Notmadeofrib

Really?
But surely this may make the husband feel uncomfortable and suddenly being treated like a potential .....I dont know...un trust worthy person?

minipie · 01/07/2014 16:47

I do have 2 siblings, but they both have very lucrative careers and are much better off than us, so have never needed any help like this. I don't think either of them would object, but I would expect that this gift should certainly be deducted from my share of any inheritance

I wouldn't assume they won't object, and I think you/your parents should definitely make it clear to them that this would come out of your share of the inheritance.

Otherwise - can't see any issues.

thoughtsbecomethings · 01/07/2014 16:47

As long as their giving is done from the heart. I have been stung many a time by relatives offering/ doing things. Which make me now feel very suspicious

anotherdayanothersquabble · 01/07/2014 16:53

Could result in sibling resentment regardless of their financial position. Money now is not the same as a greater share of an uncertain inheritance later.

Notmadeofrib · 01/07/2014 16:56

Well that's a lovely caring sentiment rockandroll, but I think the last time I checked 42% of marriages end in divorce.
TBH the inter generational benefit of using a trust would be my spin to the DH. If nothing happens then the only people that benefit (by another 40% potentially) are his kids so why would he object.

catsmother · 01/07/2014 16:59

What an amazing gesture from your parents. If they're happy to do it and you're confident there won't be any strings then don't feel bad about accepting it and making your family's quality of life as good as possible. Yes - in an ideal world we'd all be able to afford lovely "ideal" homes for our families but as many if not most of us know these days being able to acquire the home you really want, or even really need, is damn near impossible however hard you work. You know that you and your DH have never taken advantage and have always tried to be independent ... so long as you've not been drifting along, expecting your parents to step up and bail you out one day then you can accept their generosity with a clear conscience!

I really believe in spreading good fortune about and if I'm ever in the position to do something similar (unlikely) I would love to help my kids and give them (hopefully) the peace of mind and contentment that usually comes with a decent and secure home. It'd give me a great deal of pleasure to be able to give them that feeling of security over and above the actual bricks and mortar IYWIM.

Bearbehind · 01/07/2014 16:59

You/ your parents definitely need to agree this with your siblings first OP.

They might have lucrative careers but they've worked hard to achieve that and might not be as understanding as you anticipate about you getting such a large handout.

£350k over your budget makes this a pretty substantial gift and families have been torn apart over much less.

ShouldHaveMarriedTimDowling · 01/07/2014 17:02

Go for it OP. your parents sound as lovely as you.

I would do it for my children (hopefully when alive) and know of so many friends that have received such gifts.

Enjoy your house. Smile

gertiegusset · 01/07/2014 17:03

Your parents don't need to agree anything with anyone other than you, it's up to them what they do with what is theirs.
Maybe they have already helped out the siblings but consider it private business.

glasgowstevenagain · 01/07/2014 17:04

could they afford to give the same gift to your siblings just now.

If not, and your siblings would have to wait until your parents died then I would refuse - it would tear your family apart.

Also, what happens if they gift you a house, and in 10 years (after the threshhold) they need expensive long term care.

your siblings lose their inheritance - but you have a 500k house.

Would you sell up to make things right.?

OorWullie · 01/07/2014 17:07

I would talk it through with them, make sure they are completely comfortable with it and point out the things others have mentioned about siblings etc. If they are happy to go ahead and can afford to then take them up on it.

I know if I could afford to i would love to be able to give
my son and his family such security in the future, I'm sure your parents feel the same.