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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed he's stopped paying maintenance

104 replies

chamelia · 01/07/2014 03:53

Up until now DP has been paying monthly maintenance for DD.

Has given up his job to help look after DD as i have the higher income and need to be working more within the next couple of months when DD is around 9 months old. I own my own company.

He still has this month and next month full pay and is still working for another full month.

Now moved in to my house and has not mentioned contributing to bills in any way. We were not living together until now as we had previously split up and were getting things back on track.

I guess he is assuming I will take care of it all now.

He will be working for me in the future and so will earn money from that.

I am fuming that he has stopped DDs money already without even a discussion. Am I wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
chamelia · 01/07/2014 03:56

I should make it clear, DP will not be the primary carer of DD and I will be doing the majority.

His presence will allow me to do a couple of hours work early morning (whereas previously DP needed to leave for work by 7am), and some hours during the day. All my work I do from home.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/07/2014 04:16

Are you together now? If so, there really isn't 'maintenance' as such. Just two parents contributing. FWIW you need to have the discussion. How is money organised, how is housework, how is work and bills? You say he hasn't mentioned contributing, have you brought it up?

Coughle · 01/07/2014 05:33

I don't get it.... Are you together or not?

Original poster
chamelia · 01/07/2014 05:50

Yes we are together.

Maybe I shouldn't have termed it 'maintenance'. It's a set amount each month that we both (equally) save towards DDs future. The money is transferred from each of our accounts into the savings account each month.

OP posts:
lucidlady · 01/07/2014 06:04

Just tell him you want him to contribute and what amounts you want from him.

LadySybilLikesCake · 01/07/2014 06:06

Your title is a tad misleading. Maintenance is what lone parents get from the none resident parent in order to support their child, it's not something that's usually saved. A lot of lone parents rely on this money and it can often mean the difference between that parent eating (they usually won't see the child go without) and not.

Just talk to him, see what he has coming in and discuss what he should contribute. If it's just the savings that he hasn't put money into, then maybe he can catch up later.

HecatePropylaea · 01/07/2014 06:30

Tell him how you feel.
it does not bode well for the relationship if you are already unhappy about money. Talk to him.

utterlyconflicted · 01/07/2014 06:39

I don't know why but I find something odd in your writing style. I am also unsure about the working and salary arrangements too.

You need to talk to your partner and lay out your expectations and listen to his (as an equal) and go from there.

Jinsei · 01/07/2014 06:43

How is he going to contribute if he has given up his job to look after dd (primary carer or otherwise)? Confused

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/07/2014 06:46

What did you think he was going to be able to do once he gave up his job to be a SAHD?

EarthWindFire · 01/07/2014 06:48

If he is going to be looking after DD while you are at work then you are no longer the primary carer her father is.

If he is no longer working to look after your daughter what exactly are you expecting him to contribute.

Pumpkinpositive · 01/07/2014 06:50

You're talking about one month's missed contribution, aren't you? Today is the 1st July so you can't know what he intends for this month or next month's salary unless you ask him.

How much work is he going to do for you in the future - ad hoc, part time, full time compressed hours? His contribution in the future may be extremely limited, if any, given that he is going to be the SAHD.

CinnabarRed · 01/07/2014 06:52

What you've described is categorically not maintenance.

As he's given up his job, I would say it makes perfect sense for him to not save for DD's future with immediate effect. His financial future is now much more precarious.

In what way are you still going to be her primary carer? It sounds like shared care to me, particularly if he's doing all the mornings.

Is he going to look for work? Are you planning in reducing any paid-for childcare?

It sounds like you desperately need an fault conversation between you to thrash out the details and expectations.

utterlyconflicted · 01/07/2014 06:53

Also, your company only requires 5 hours of work a day. When you are not working what will you and D be doing?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 01/07/2014 06:58

I'm totally confused.

He is giving up work, yet you are the primary carer? How? Surely he is. If he has given up work why would he be contributing? With what? If he's a sahd and you're working he hasn't any to contribute. What you earn is family money.

It's not maintenance, you are together and live together.

You talk about 'his presence', like it's a business arrangement rather than a relationship.

Fairylea · 01/07/2014 06:59

So as it stands he is the stay at home parent and you are working? That might change in a few months time but for now that is how it is. Treating it as any other situation like that I would suggest all income is pooled (his too if he has any), all bills etc paid from that and what is left split equally to spend. If you have enough left over to make a (joint) contribution to savings (what you seem to be calling maintenance) then so be it.

I don't think it's fair to have everything so "yours and mine" when you are a couple with a child where one of you is not working.

meandcoffeeequalhappy · 01/07/2014 07:04

Well it is quite simple, either the relationship is a good one and you make decisions together about the future of your family (i.e. it is not your call or his exclusively), or he is either a cocklodger who you don't particularly respect, or some sort of au pair. Your decision. But it is not maintenance. Unless that was some sort of freudiuan slip and you really don't want to be a couple. I have to say though how emasculating for him all of this, I get the feeling that any respect you have for him will leave soon after he stops earning.

Original poster
chamelia · 01/07/2014 07:21

I genuinely wanted other perspectives about this as I have no one to talk to in real life.

I am the primary carer. DP has given up his job which comes to an end next month. He will then be working for my company earning exactly the same salary as his previous position.

The reason for this is a) we had a bad experience with a nanny and I do not want to use outside help again, B) even though he will be working full time for me he will have flexibility so if I need to spend an extra hour working in the morning I can. When I say I work in the morning, I mean early hours - usually 5am - 10am. Then the rest of the day I look after DD.

Yes my business only requires me for 5 hours as I have worked hard to build it up to that stage and I have plenty of staff to run the day to day.

OP posts:
HorraceTheOtter · 01/07/2014 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucidlady · 01/07/2014 07:34

Like Horrace I'm thinking this does sound familiar. How have you ended up with your DP working for you on exactly the same wage when he doesn't have experience in your field? Apologies if you're not the poster I'm thinking of but this does seem a bit familiar.

sillymillyb · 01/07/2014 07:36

That's what I was wondering Horace - this situation sounds familiar.

Op, you sound like you are a couple with shared responsibilities and finances - there is no maintenance, as others have said, that is for lone parents.

StanleyLambchop · 01/07/2014 07:39

Have you posted about him before, this all sounds very familiar. If you are not that into him, (which seems to be what is coming across from your post) then you are crazy to do this. If you split up he could claim main carer status of DD, then you might have to pay him maintenance as the NRP. If you have your home & business sorted, why are you letting him have a slice of it if you are not really in love with this man? Sorry, but I think him not paying you (which is actually NU if he does not have a job) is just the tip of the ice berg in this scenario.

SolomanDaisy · 01/07/2014 07:40

This really sounds like a bad plan. Whose idea was it?

Original poster
chamelia · 01/07/2014 07:43

Sorry no I haven't posted about this before.

OP posts:
EverythingCounts · 01/07/2014 07:50

One bad experience with childcare is just that. There are good options around. In your shoes I would have on the hunt for a better nanny. As it is, everything relies on you and your DP which seems risky given the indifferent way you are writing about him and the relationship. I would think about at least a past time nanny so you are both able to work without having to tag team.

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