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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed he's stopped paying maintenance

104 replies

chamelia · 01/07/2014 03:53

Up until now DP has been paying monthly maintenance for DD.

Has given up his job to help look after DD as i have the higher income and need to be working more within the next couple of months when DD is around 9 months old. I own my own company.

He still has this month and next month full pay and is still working for another full month.

Now moved in to my house and has not mentioned contributing to bills in any way. We were not living together until now as we had previously split up and were getting things back on track.

I guess he is assuming I will take care of it all now.

He will be working for me in the future and so will earn money from that.

I am fuming that he has stopped DDs money already without even a discussion. Am I wrong?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 01/07/2014 07:51

This is a bit bonkers. If you loved this man, this would be an absolutely ideal set up. You seem to have made done massive decisions ie him giving up his job, without discussing it. Bizarre. How 'normal' people operate, is that once a child comes along, all money is pooled.

gamerchick · 01/07/2014 07:52

Why are you letting this guy in if you can't even have a conversation about money?

If you live together you don't get maintenance but he has to contribute unless he's doing the sahd thing and doing full time kid.

Fairylea · 01/07/2014 08:01

How can you be the primary care when by your own admission the main reason your dp is giving up his own job is so that you can share childcare so you don't need to hire a nanny? If the relationship isn't solid that puts you on very rocky ground re custody / maintenance should you then separate. It will look like you work full time and he is the main caregiver.

Original poster
chamelia · 01/07/2014 08:02

Ok so he has done the right thing not to put savings away for DD this month then.

I love my DP otherwise we wouldn't have considered this an option in the first place. I think I must be too used to talking about things in a matter of fact way.

He is a good man. I just thought it was a bit odd and I hve been taken advantage of before with other people and so I'm a bit wary - it just seemed like he now expected me to pay for everything but I'm sure that's not the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
chamelia · 01/07/2014 08:03

Once again, he is not the main carer - he will continue to work full time, it just means I have a bit of flexibility.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 01/07/2014 08:08

So you are both going to be caring for your dc. It doesn't sound like there is going to be a main carer, just two parents working together to provide flexible childcare. My point is that seeing as this is your business and he is working for you so you don't have to hire a nanny you'd be hard pressed to prove he isn't the main carer IF it ever came to that.

If he is not working then you should be paying for everything. That is how families work.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 01/07/2014 08:14

No - I don't think that it is right that he doesn't do your agreed savings for dd - he's still earning right? And now has no rent?

Original poster
chamelia · 01/07/2014 08:19

So how can I prevent him being seen as the main carer?

OP posts:
utterlyconflicted · 01/07/2014 08:22

There are two things that are very clear: your refusal to acknowledge that you are not the main carer and that you both do not have the ability to discuss money. You share care but, if you earn, and he isn't, he appears to be the primary carer. You need to consider that.

Presently, you do not sound like a successful couple. He could be trying to take advantage of you.

utterlyconflicted · 01/07/2014 08:23

Make him work more hours than you.

londonrach · 01/07/2014 08:26

Is dp dd father. Very confused. Sounds like parents supporting each other in different ways.

Original poster
chamelia · 01/07/2014 08:26

So I am not the main carer? Ridiculous.

DD is EBF, I do every single feed (obviously). He does do more hours than me as I have repeatedly said.

I do 5 hours a day from 5am - 10am, stopping for feeds.

DP does 8am - 6pm.

How on earth does that make him the main carer?

OP posts:
Original poster
chamelia · 01/07/2014 08:27

And in case I need to make it clearer, DD is asleep for half of the time I am working.

I am gobsmacked anyone could construe this any other way!

OP posts:
Trollsworth · 01/07/2014 08:32

To not be the main carer, he needs to not be living with you and not be jobless and not be doing most of her care .... Yu cannot have this both ways, you cannot have a stay at home parent without acknowledging him as the main carer and you cannot have perfect compliant childcare without paying them!

YouSayBelloISayPoppaye · 01/07/2014 08:40

Trollsworth she's said her DP isn't doing more than her!

He's working an hour later than normal so she can do a tad more in the morning she's then free for the rest of the day she's the main one

Jinsei · 01/07/2014 08:42

I think it's hard to argue that the OP isn't the main carer, under the circumstances.

utterlyconflicted · 01/07/2014 08:42

Sorry, I have misunderstood.

At the moment, for this month, you get up early to work and DD gets up at 10? DP is out of the house from before 8 until gone 6pm?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 01/07/2014 08:43

If your DH is going to be working then yes he should be contributing. But it's not maintenance, it's just pooling your money as a family.

utterlyconflicted · 01/07/2014 08:44

I think the SAHD issue will arise once his work finishes, next month. Will he immediadtely become your employee then?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 01/07/2014 08:44

Or you have a joint account where both of you put in a set amount each month, proportionate to your earnings. That's what we do.

utterlyconflicted · 01/07/2014 08:44

Also, if he is being paid, money goes into the family. Start getting your joint finances sorted, and quickly.

sillymillyb · 01/07/2014 08:45

You are the main carer - I think people are just worried about what you are getting into.

Forgive me but you do not sound like you have the best relationship, and if I recall from your previous thread then you had grave concerns about your dp working for you (didn't he want to take your job?)

Maybe you need to figure out if this is the best option for you? As pp have said, one bad nanny experience does not mean it couldn't work for you if you found the right one.

utterlyconflicted · 01/07/2014 08:46

You are the most vulnerable when he is officially not working and living in (both of) your home. Then he would be the default primary carer.

CinnabarRed · 01/07/2014 08:51

I think it's a remarkably bad idea to have him working for you.

PorkPieandPickle · 01/07/2014 08:55

I think you are confusing matters with the terms 'maintenance' and 'main carer'

At the moment I'm on mat leave and my DH works. I don't see myself as the main carer, I don't see his money as maintenance. That's weird.

We are a family. DH's wages are the families income. Sometimes we put some money in a savings account- it depends what we can afford.

I don't dictate to DH whether we save or not, we have a discussion. You seem to have a strange way of looking at things.

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