To be annoyed he's stopped paying maintenance

[chamelia]

Up until now DP has been paying monthly maintenance for DD.

Has given up his job to help look after DD as i have the higher income and need to be working more within the next couple of months when DD is around 9 months old. I own my own company.

He still has this month and next month full pay and is still working for another full month.

Now moved in to my house and has not mentioned contributing to bills in any way. We were not living together until now as we had previously split up and were getting things back on track.

I guess he is assuming I will take care of it all now.

He will be working for me in the future and so will earn money from that.

I am fuming that he has stopped DDs money already without even a discussion. Am I wrong?

Sillymillyb - that was a completely different woman. She has not posted about this before. People are getting confused with another thread.

The language you are using is as if you aren't a couple. Are you planning to break up with him again and keen to ensure you keep custody?

Have you discussed how your finances are going to work - is he paying you rent or are you having a joint account for bills, food etc?

I agree with Cinnabar, it sounds like a terrible idea for him to come and work for you.
If it was the other way around, an unmarried mother giving up her job and moving into her partner's home and working for him, what would you think? I would think that she was giving up all her independence and needed the security of shared home ownership at the least - ideally a marriage certificate.

I don't understand why you need a 'primary caret' at all.

My husband is currently on extended paternity leave, I'm on my way to work - we're both our son's carer equally, just at different times of the day.

Have a frank discussion about money - otherwise I think you'll become angry and suspicious, when it's more likely you've just not quite understood each others' intentions and ideas. Really though, you could have solved all this without going near the Internet.

What difference does it make who us called the main carer? That's just semantics.
You've told us you love him, and he us the father of your child.
So you work together as a team to bring your dd up through finances and care.

DD wakes at 6am, feed, play with daddy until he leaves at 7am, then sits with me in my office for an hour whilst I alternate between sending emails and entertaining DD.

2 days a week my DM takes her out for a walk for an hour so she has her morning nap in her pram, the other 3 days she will sleep in her cot at home and then up for my final hour of work.

She has various toys, playmat, swing etc in my office so we just make it work.

I guess I will be criticised for that also.

DP will be starting his new job a week after he finishes his old one.

Then he needs to contribute to the household and your daughter. I don't understand why he didn't put money in now and why he thought he didn't have to. You need to ask what he thinks he financial contribution will be.

Nobody is criticising what you're doing, you're clearly working hard and making sure you're doing a brilliant job for your dd. which is brilliant.
I think what's really throwing people is the way you're talking about it. It's unusual to say the least.

No need to be chippy OP, you are using very odd language that's all.

It is very clear that you see your DD as your child, rather than the three of you as a family.

Why do you feel the need to assert yourself as the "main carer"? That's what's throwing people.

You're both providing childcare and working for what is going to become the family business. There is no main carer. Without the other one neither of you could work. Especially as your dd becomes older and requires more interaction and supervision for example. You're both going to have to swap and share.

So surely the income from the business / his wage if you want to call it that is going to be used to pay bills and whatever and whatever is left is split equally as spending money? So it isn't "maintenance", it's just managing your money as a family isn't it?

Hang on, this 'maintenance' is just going into a savings account for her to use in the future?
And he hasn't stopped paying, he has just neglected to bring up in conversation how/what he will pay for in the future?
Why on earth don't you just say 'now we are living together again, I thought it would make sense if we both pay £xx into an account that will cover bills and also leave some over for DDs savings'?

If you can't have that sort of conversation, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with this man

Why are you so hung up over who the primary carer is? If you are both going to be working and share child care why does it matter?

You are EBF at the moment but this won't be forever.

alibaba has hit the nail on the head. You do seem to think of your DC as your child, and your DP as the au pair that you happen to be in a relationship with. That may not be the case, but that's how it comes across to me.

I moved in with my DP (now DH) when I was 34 weeks pregnant. Before I moved in, we discussed finances and came up with something we were both happy with, and although our financial situation has changed a lot since then, continue to be happy with.

Have you discussed finance with him at all? You're a businesswoman - surely you realise that discussing expectations is key? What about housework, etc?

I don't think people have been critical of you at all - we just want to fully understand the situation before we give any advice.

Also worth saying that this situation will change enormously. Your dd won't be napping most of the day for long nor be content to play with toys in the office. It might seem like forever at the mo while you're ebf but in no time you'll need to have different arrangements. Which will probably involve professional childcare if you're both working at least some of the time. I wouldn't let one bad experience with a nanny put you off. Like all parts of parenting, you cock up and learn as you go. For the moment, it's only been one month and is only a short phase so I'd communicate and be clear with each other and try to work as a partnership, if that's what you want, rather than stewing and angling to be main carer in case of litigation.

I'm sorry OP but you sound cold.

If I thought of my wife like this people would be fuming and rightly so.

You sound very business like OP rather than talking about your family. All this talk about being the 'main carer'. You're a family, you both parent your child. And yes he should be contributing if he's working.

You don't seem to be speaking as if you are a family. You talk like it's an arrangement and you aren't together.

She doesn't sound cold, she sounds matter of fact!

She's written this in a 'business case' type of way, but using the wrong terminology (REALLY wrong terminology).

Op, are you SURE you didn't write about this before, because it is sooooo familiar.

You need to start using the correct terminology.

You say DP rather than DH, so I am assuming you are not married.

You need to make things very, very clear with your company. He needs a detailed written contract. You need to make sure there is NO way he can be seen as a partner of the business, and therefore entitled to a share of the business if you were to split up.

You need to start using the proper terminology. You are the primary caregiver, and will be for the foreseeable future. All your DP is doing is the morning shift, to let you get some uninterrupted work done.

You BOTH need to contribute to the household and to your child's fund. That needs to be agreed to by you both, and stuck to.

If you DO decide to get married, I would advise seeing a solicitor to get a pre nup AND a post nup agreement to protect your company. Pre nups aren't worth a whole heck of a lot, but post nups will often validate a pre nup and make the agreement far more likely to be taken into account should you split up. Your DP will also need to see an INDEPENDENT solicitor to receive advice as to what the agreement means.

(It could include things like not receiving a share of the business, but depending on how long you've been married they could get spousal maintenance for X years based on a the income of the business, or a Y payout, based on the value of the business - and other assets).

I agree with what pp have said about the unusual language you're using to describe your situation. It actually feels like there is some key information you're leaving out. Can you explain a bit more?

HayDayQueen to people being matter of fact to your life partner is being cold.

And she's using him as a glorified nanny trying to circumvent the fact that he will be the primary care giver.....if I were him i's be looking for the door.

I think you need to stop worrying about 'maintenance' and 'primary carer' and just do a basic household budget

Discuss how bills will be split, how mortgage or rent will be paid, if you want a joint account, how you plan to save for things jointly, how to save for dd's future, personal spending money etc

Talking about 'maintenance' and 'primary carer' gives the impression that you are not looking at being together long term as a family.

I think you should also be discussing his role in your company.

Caruthers - he looked after their DD between 6 and 7 am in the morning. Now he'll look after their DD for a little bit longer in the morning, to give her time to do some work, before HE then goes off to work. Exactly how is that a glorified nanny? Sounds like a DAD to me.

Maybe people should be a bit more matter of fact (or cold, if you prefer) when they come to agreements with potential partners and then there will be a lot less 'but I thought X or Y would happen, Waaahhhh......'.

HayDayQueen He's an employee not a Dad her rhetoric points toward the child in question being more hers.

Really I don't know what world some people live in where money isn't pooled and responsibility shared without having to have a contract.

He really does need an exit strategy before he even thinks about working for her in any capacity,

If you're going to be paying your DP from the business then it's quite straightforward to make a deduction from his pay-check and bank it wherever you both decide that money should go. Towards shared utility--bills, housekeeping, child's savings, whatever you agree on.

If he's going to be paid the same salary as he's currently earning once he's moved in with you his expenses will be much, much lower than they are now as he won't have rent or fares to pay.

That you haven't already had a discussion about all this is truly remarkable. He's going to be completely dependent upon you and your business in future. That's not necessarily an easy position to place oneself in. One serious row and he's completely at risk of joblessness and homelessness.

fairyleaI don't think it's fair to have everything so "yours and mine" when you are a couple with a child where one of you is not working.

Imagine that was said about a SAHM!! :(

Bitter
That is an outrageous suggestion! She isn't the CSA, she can't start making deductions for what she deems to be his share.

If this was the other way around, and a woman was working for a man, but having her pay docked by him to cover her share of child expenses, there would be uproar on her it and it would be called financial abuse.