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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed he's stopped paying maintenance

104 replies

chamelia · 01/07/2014 03:53

Up until now DP has been paying monthly maintenance for DD.

Has given up his job to help look after DD as i have the higher income and need to be working more within the next couple of months when DD is around 9 months old. I own my own company.

He still has this month and next month full pay and is still working for another full month.

Now moved in to my house and has not mentioned contributing to bills in any way. We were not living together until now as we had previously split up and were getting things back on track.

I guess he is assuming I will take care of it all now.

He will be working for me in the future and so will earn money from that.

I am fuming that he has stopped DDs money already without even a discussion. Am I wrong?

OP posts:
MyFairyKing · 01/07/2014 11:16

I, too, find the way you talk about him and the financial situation really bizarre. I agree that if this were the other way around, the OP would be crucified.

Original poster
chamelia · 01/07/2014 11:29

The fact of the matter is, relationships don't always work out.

Too right the business is mine. I have to protect mine and my daughters future. That is not to say I have any intention of breaking up with him now or any time in the future - as far as I'm concerned it is for life, however just imagine I make him an equal and he goes and cheats on me. Then what?

I have spent years building up my business. I have also lived a lot and have seen people taken to the cleaners.

It's great to be all romantic but I also have to be practical.

Of course we have had conversations about who pays what, which is why I was surprised DDs savings wasn't paid in this week.

As I said, I have been taken advantage of massively by people before and it knocked me for six. This was by 2!!! Family members. Like it or not it won't be happening again and id be irresponsible to allow otherwise.

OP posts:
caruthers · 01/07/2014 11:32

You don't sound ready for a relationship of equals.

And you're being unfair on him judging him by actions of others.

Original poster
chamelia · 01/07/2014 11:33

Nonsense.

OP posts:
caruthers · 01/07/2014 11:37

You're words not mine.

Enjoy your lackey though I doubt it will last too long.

Original poster
chamelia · 01/07/2014 11:43

How is DP spending time looking after his daughter making him a lackey?

OP posts:
Sister77 · 01/07/2014 11:48

Experience makes us the people we are.
You are right to protect yourself and your DD op but are you and your partner REALLY committed?
From your posts (reading between the lines) do you see this as a long term relationship?
If yes then why haven't you simply asked him and if no then why are you allowing him to move in and giving him a job? Think long and hard what you want from this relationship and life.
He's not the main carer you are a family and this is what families do, make adjustments and cover each other.

Owllady · 01/07/2014 11:48

It sounds like career suicide for him

StanleyLambchop · 01/07/2014 11:50

however just imagine I make him an equal and he goes and cheats on me. Then what?

Or you could cheat on him, leaving him potentially jobless and homeless. Perhaps he is keeping this months salary as emergency money in case that happens. You are right to be cautious but then maybe so is he. You two do not sound particularly in to each other.

Original poster
chamelia · 01/07/2014 11:53

Fair point but I know myself and know I wouldn't cheat.

I am as sure as can be that he wouldn't but I still need to protect myself.

FWIW he will be on a similar salary to my own - the rest of the profits stay in the business.

OP posts:
Original poster
chamelia · 01/07/2014 11:54

But I'm not going to make him a director or a shareholder as that would just be silly.

OP posts:
caruthers · 01/07/2014 12:03

I think i'll employ my wife and deduct 75% of her earning as expenditure for the household and make sure that if separation occurs she gets nada and loses her job too.

Ahhhh...that's better :)

Original poster
chamelia · 01/07/2014 12:06

Oh for goodness sake. Where did I suggest that is what's happening here?

I take it you re a SAHD. That isn't the situation here.

OP posts:
Owllady · 01/07/2014 12:13

Have you discussed what will happen to his job if you do split? Or even if it doesn't suit him?

We're his skills transferable?

It does sound like he is putting himself in a vulnerable position really, from an outside perspective

Owllady · 01/07/2014 12:14

Were, not we're. autocorrect

sparechange · 01/07/2014 12:16

OP, there are much bigger issues at play here than your daughter having a little nest egg for her future.
Clearly you have some huge hang ups about relationships in general, as well as your relationship, and without resolving those, yours will never be a fully equal relationship.
Go and have a look at the current thread about a woman who isn't on the deeds to the family home to see what happens when someone's festering mistrust of their partner carries on for years and years. It isn't nice.

Would you consider counselling or similar to help move your relationship forward?

StanleyLambchop · 01/07/2014 12:20

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a2053353-To-not-agree-to-DP-giving-up-his-job

This thread is worth reading OP. The circumstances are very similar to yours.

Trollsworth · 01/07/2014 12:21

I was under the impression that you were separated.

The terminology you are using is that of a lone parent referring to her child's none resident parent.

If he is a resident parent, he doesn't have to pay maintenance. It doesn't matter who is the primary carer.

You seem absolutely convinced that he's going to disappear with your money, your business and your daughter, you don't even seem to like him, let alone trust him. Are you really moving him in because you want him to live with you or, be honest, are you using him for free childcare?

gamerchick · 01/07/2014 12:24

I keep linking those threads up as well in my head.

EarthWindFire · 01/07/2014 12:24

If you're going to be paying your DP from the business then it's quite straightforward to make a deduction from his pay-check and bank it wherever you both decide that money should go. Towards shared utility--bills, housekeeping, child's savings, whatever you agree on.

That is the most ridiculous thing I have read in a long time.

If I was your DP I would want a full contract to protect me. It really doesn't sound as if your are fully commited to your relationship at all and seem obsessed with who is the main carer of you child. You are both her parents. One has no more 'rights' over her than the other.

Original poster
chamelia · 01/07/2014 12:28

That's an interesting thread, the replies are somewhat different.

OP posts:
StanleyLambchop · 01/07/2014 12:49

I think you can see why people think this is a continuation of that first thread. The difference I suppose is that the first OP did not want to give her DP a job in her company and was resisting it, whereas you seem to be at the stage where the decision is made, he is finishing his job with a view to working for you and you are now disagreeing about the money. Had you asked the same question as the first OP you may have got different answers.

Fairylea · 01/07/2014 13:01

Glasgow - I am a sahm and we do not have "yours and mine". What I meant by that is that we have family money and all money is joint money. I have equal right to spend it as does dh and we have a joint account. Any money left over is split equally. That is what I meant by not having "yours and mine". It is not a negative comment.

utterlyconflicted · 01/07/2014 13:06

I agree with you OP. The replies are different. I think it is because your writing style lacks charm and you used really odd terminology. Doesn't mean that you are not pleasant but it's not a style people warm to. EQ and all that, it is powerful.

Also, in the other thread the boyf wanted to be director and bullied the OP. Your situation sounds like you are the one in charge.

Similarities in both are: the relationships sound shaky, he should pay towards his child and you need to protect yourself and your business. I have assumed that your DH is perfectly qualified for his role as your employee.

glasgowstevenagain · 01/07/2014 14:03

Fairylea - apologies!!

I read it the wrong way - that you were supporting the OP in that if the SAHP is not working they do not get access to family money!

The drip feed given by the OP is the reason for confusion on the thread.

Maintenance! :( just family money surely.

I too think the situation is very familiar [hmmm]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a2053353-To-not-agree-to-DP-giving-up-his-job