If I say something about her weight?

[LadyRabbit]

Oh God. This is not a thread about fat shaming, really it isn't, but I don't think I can go on any longer 'enabling' someone I love dearly to slowly kill themselves.

My DSis (younger than me) is a great girl. Funny, kind and witty. Very sensitive, but that in turn gives her great empathy with other people, and she is one of the most thoughtful people I know. However, she is also incredibly overbearing sometimes and while I always stick up for her, yesterday was another episode of witnessing her be prickly and quite rude to someone (who took it with good grace) because deep down I know she feels insecure and as a result overcompensates by being brash and sometimes offensive. I have seen her ruin friendships over the years and never said anything because I want her to feel that she always has someone on her side.

The thing is she is morbidly obese, and has been slowly getting this way since childhood. My parents tried to help her - special diet companies, gym subscriptions, therapy, you name it, they may not be perfect but they did do their best. Over the years, when my DM and I have had big heart-to-hearts with her we established that no, she isn't happy being this overweight (nearly 300lbs now) and she knows that it is part of the reason she has been on anti-depressants since adolescence. (She is now nearly 30.) I have other friends and relatives who are very overweight but they are definitely what I would call happy - in long term relationships, enjoying their work, healthy (apart from needing to loose weight). I am not overweight and haven't ever been, so I realise that I can't fully understand what it is like to be in her position but I can see that it has been impacting her life for nearly twenty years now with no sign of improvement, in fact the opposite. But because I haven't gone through what she is going through I have never felt I was in a position to say anything.

But - SORRY this is a LONG one! - I can't take it anymore. I can't take watching someone I love throwing their life away on crap food, no exercise, constant ill health, never having a relationship when all she talks about is wanting to meet a good man and have kids, taking more anti-depressants and all the side-effects (one of which is cruelly more weight gain). I want my sister to have a family, feel good about herself, go for the career things she holds back from, make friendships without fucking them up because her insecurity makes her behave weirdly. I love her and see all her goodness inside struggling to come out and my heart sinks when I haven't seen her for a few months and see she's put even more weight on and can't even walk down the street without needing to stop every ten minutes. And I hate the moment when people meet her for the first time - when I've talked about my sister to them - and register that I never mentioned her weight and their first comment is 'wow, you don't look like sisters at all'. That bit makes me want to cry for her.

I want to say something. Firmly, but with love and concern. I talked at length to a friend of mine who has lost an awful lot of weight, and he confirmed that it has to come from within the person themselves. But I fear it never will with my DSis, and as time goes on I feel I have to say something because if I don't it will be an act of cowardice masquerading as love and I love her desperately.

So WIBU to sit her down and say something? If you don't think it's U, how should I say it? If you think it's U, why? I genuinely need some advice because I don't want to ruin the relationship I have with her.

YWBU simply because your sister know all this but obviously isn't ready/willing to do anything about it....yet.

The only one who can help her is her. She has to do it for herself and not because someone has has had a word with her. For you it will just be frustrating and like pissing into the wind.

She knows exactly how much she weighs, what she looks like and what it is doing to her. She knows it is making her unhappy. She's 30 years old. What do you want to say ? What do you think you can say that she doesn't already know ?

YWBU.
I am killing myself with food too. Nothing a well-meaning person would say to me can change that.

You will almost certainly cause a negative reaction if your sister is anything like me. I was obese and I knew it. If anyone said anything about my weight then my thoughts were "you don't love me for who I am". DH tried saying something and that caused a lot of resentment on my part. I decided to loose the weight because I got worried about the impact on my health - my knees were aching when I climbed stairs. I am not thin now but my BMI is below 30 and I am working on getting it down further.

Are there other things in her life that you could help her with to give her a boost? If she is a comfort eater then may be finding other ways to lift her mood might help her.

YANBU unreasonable to worry about her but what on earth do you imagine the outcome of you saying something will be? That she'll realise she's fat so lose the weight?

lose not loose

maybe focus on the behaviour that causes her to hurt people / lose friends instead of the weight? focusing on the fact that you love her no matter what (i expect you do this anyway) and hate to see her losing friends through the behaviour that comes from insecurity

honestly, even when people lose a lot of weight they often feel that the insecurity is still there, the problem hasn't been tackled

i know it's a bit chicken and egg, sorry

You have to say something because by some miracle she doesn't know she's morbidly obese right?

YBVU. And you need to let go of your rescue fantasy.

The best thing you can do to help your sister is accept her. The rest is not up to you.

I think you have to accept that she knows what she's doing.
It's her choice, and nothing to do with you.

Maybe you could find some support for yourself and ring the eating disorders helpline. They have counselling for family members of people with eating disorders, akin to the support given to families of other addicts.

beat :: Helpline
www.b-eat.co.uk › Get help › Get support
beat™ - beating eating disorders ... Email: [email protected] ... Parents, teachers or any concerned adults should call the Helpline for adults on 0845 634 1414.

Be kind to yourself, and resign yourself that until she does something for herself, nothing will be done. She's her own boss, and no doubt is well aware of everything you have mentioned.

Look after yourself. Ring that number and find support for yourself.

She needs therapy, btdt. Eating your feelings, you can't cry with your mouth full etc.

What to say? Nothing.

I am sorry.

Maybe she does need orientating to reality if she is becoming seriously unhealthy. Sometimes in life we all need someone who is not afraid to handle us and speak plainly. Yes, she may get upset - but then probably she needs to get upset.

I understand what you are feeling and you are such a lovely sister but as others have said you can't do anything about this by telling her. I wish you could, but you can't.

I was overweight and although I am still it is not so bad. I did indeed get quite slim - through circumstance, (new job more walking involved, more confidence..). So you could help her with her confidence and involve her in some activity but even that is difficult.

you seem to think your firm and concern chat will actually have the desired effect, does she listen to what you say in other areas?

If she is taking seroxat/paroxetine then she is very likely to be very depressed

How about approaching not from weight angle but finding out about talking therapies to signpost her to?

I am like your sister. I suspect anything you say will be turned inwards by her into more self-condemnation.

The diet industry is set up to make people fail - my therapist recommends a mindful and compassionate approach towards making healthier decisions - on her suggestion, I got a book by Ken Goss, called E Compassionate Mind Approach to Over-Eating - perhaps you could buy it and read it - it might help you understand her better, and, when she is ready for help, you will be better equipped to help her.

Thank you for your replies.

Most of them confirm what I have always thought and why I have kept my mouth shut for nearly twenty years.

Er, sillylass79 where did I say anti-depressants were a treat? WHERE? Moreover - and maybe I should have mentioned this in my OP - she was prescribed them as a teenager when she went into therapy because she - understandably - couldn't cope with the bullying about her weight and appearance she was experiencing. Therefore the two are closely related, although I don't for a minute think other problems were not contributing factors. She is now at the point that while she doesn't overeat in the way she used to, she simply has so much weight to loose to be healthy that it seems an insurmountable task, which in turn compounds the depression.

She does take on board things I say. I encouraged her to make a small business out of her creativity which has been great for her. That's what I have tried to do over the years - help her focus on things that will improve her self-esteem.

Sometimes I think about it in pure addiction terms. If you substitute the food for heroin, people seem much more likely to say things in interventionist terms.

It's not a rescue fantasy. It's just bloody bloody hard watching someone you love get more unwell, and then start to run out of ideas of how to help them. You keep hoping that one day, one day will be the day they wake up and realise what they are doing to themselves. But what if that day never comes - that's what I fear.

I am going to go slightly against the grain, I knew I was slowly killing myself but it wasn't until my best friend sat me down and explicitly told me how it affected her and those around me to watch I hit the bottom, I needed to hit the bottom to get up and do something. In my case surgery.

although the addiction aspect is valid, you can't really talk about it in the same way as heroin because the fact is that people have to eat. you can't go cold turkey on food. well, you can to an extent (diets that are purely based on shakes, or going on a drip perhaps), but it's not a sustainable way to live and is equally problematic MH-wise

it sounds like you have done the intervention thing - all those conversations you've had with her and your mother etc. what would be the alternative? kidnapping her and imprisoning her in a fat camp? that's not really a healthy option either sadly

you sound so loving and supportive, i can totally understand how it breaks your heart to watch this

It's hard, but her weight is not your business. A relative spoke to me about my weight today because she was "concerned" (on twitter, FFS), and she got told to shut up and fuck off. How your sister lives her life is also not your business, I'm afraid. No matter how well meaning you mean to be - or how concerned you actually are - there is no way that you having any form of intervention with her will work out well.

For you.

Be there, support her, wait for the moment that the little bell in her head finally sounds its alarm, then be there for her some more. There is, quite literally, nothing you can say to your sister that she doesn't know, but only she can decide when to do something about it. You lecture her about it now, and you risk losing her permanently anyway.

Please don't say anything to her, she already knows she is obese..

Well when I was overweight my mum spoke to me about her concerns for my health. My mum isn't an interfering, bossy type and I knew everything she said was said with love and concern for me. No she wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know but I appreciated it anyway. It enabled me to have an honest discussion with her about my weight and how I felt about it. And as a result I lost a lot of weight!

You say your sister's situation is getting worse and worse so I think yes you should broach the subject with her. Just be very careful in your approach. No lectures, just loving support.