If I say something about her weight?

[LadyRabbit]

Oh God. This is not a thread about fat shaming, really it isn't, but I don't think I can go on any longer 'enabling' someone I love dearly to slowly kill themselves.

My DSis (younger than me) is a great girl. Funny, kind and witty. Very sensitive, but that in turn gives her great empathy with other people, and she is one of the most thoughtful people I know. However, she is also incredibly overbearing sometimes and while I always stick up for her, yesterday was another episode of witnessing her be prickly and quite rude to someone (who took it with good grace) because deep down I know she feels insecure and as a result overcompensates by being brash and sometimes offensive. I have seen her ruin friendships over the years and never said anything because I want her to feel that she always has someone on her side.

The thing is she is morbidly obese, and has been slowly getting this way since childhood. My parents tried to help her - special diet companies, gym subscriptions, therapy, you name it, they may not be perfect but they did do their best. Over the years, when my DM and I have had big heart-to-hearts with her we established that no, she isn't happy being this overweight (nearly 300lbs now) and she knows that it is part of the reason she has been on anti-depressants since adolescence. (She is now nearly 30.) I have other friends and relatives who are very overweight but they are definitely what I would call happy - in long term relationships, enjoying their work, healthy (apart from needing to loose weight). I am not overweight and haven't ever been, so I realise that I can't fully understand what it is like to be in her position but I can see that it has been impacting her life for nearly twenty years now with no sign of improvement, in fact the opposite. But because I haven't gone through what she is going through I have never felt I was in a position to say anything.

But - SORRY this is a LONG one! - I can't take it anymore. I can't take watching someone I love throwing their life away on crap food, no exercise, constant ill health, never having a relationship when all she talks about is wanting to meet a good man and have kids, taking more anti-depressants and all the side-effects (one of which is cruelly more weight gain). I want my sister to have a family, feel good about herself, go for the career things she holds back from, make friendships without fucking them up because her insecurity makes her behave weirdly. I love her and see all her goodness inside struggling to come out and my heart sinks when I haven't seen her for a few months and see she's put even more weight on and can't even walk down the street without needing to stop every ten minutes. And I hate the moment when people meet her for the first time - when I've talked about my sister to them - and register that I never mentioned her weight and their first comment is 'wow, you don't look like sisters at all'. That bit makes me want to cry for her.

I want to say something. Firmly, but with love and concern. I talked at length to a friend of mine who has lost an awful lot of weight, and he confirmed that it has to come from within the person themselves. But I fear it never will with my DSis, and as time goes on I feel I have to say something because if I don't it will be an act of cowardice masquerading as love and I love her desperately.

So WIBU to sit her down and say something? If you don't think it's U, how should I say it? If you think it's U, why? I genuinely need some advice because I don't want to ruin the relationship I have with her.

My sister is killing herself with food too.

Very morbidly obese. Can no longer get out of seats easily. Now finds stairs hard and gets out of breath just from moving :( She is in her mid 20's and lives with her partner and getting bigger all the time.

It breaks my heart into two. She also has a mental illness that she doesn't get help for anymore as well so it is all related.

Sadly, we rarely see each other anymore. That is a long ugly story but when I do go 'check up' on her I notice her weight is just piling on and if it keeps happening I can't possibly see how she is going to live to a good age.

My mum tried to help. I tried to help, we both now know that we can't help. She had a dietician and a supportive GP trying to help her but she just stopped going.

I just hope that one day she will lose it before it is too late. Seeing your little sister not able to get out of furniture or walk out of the house without almost collapsing is heartbreaking :( I don't see it much but when I do I leave feeling worried and helpless.

So OP, I know how you feel.

Mixed responses on her LadyRabbit. I'm not sure whether it would be a good thing to tak to her about it or not. I speak from experience as last August I was morbidly obese. I am now just overweight. Last August I weighed 308lbs and i now weigh approx 220lbs. I would like to lose another 30/40lbs. I was so unhappy, miserable and desperatley wanted to lose weight. I have been overweight since my teenage years and have also used food as a comfort thing. Over eating when I was sad or upset. I will probably always have that bad relationship with food but through educating myself about food and finding exercise that I love I am managing to continue to steadily lose weight and am confident that I will not go back to how I was. Part of me does wish that a friend or family member had said something to me about my weight earlier. Thankfully a good friend (although a fairly new friend through school) really encouraged me to go with her to an exercise class. Nicely but firmly encouraged me! So maybe that was her way of getting me to do something about it with out saying 'you're getting a bit too fat'. With the zumba classes came new friends and a social life that I hadn't had for years to which then motivated me to sort my eating out. I didn't want to be the fat one anymore. I really hope you manage to help your sister. x

Churmy-well done you!

Churmy well done to you. I would really like to know what it was that your friend did or said that made you actually do this.

Was it just that she persevered or pushed? Or was there something else about it that made you not tell her to go and bugger off!

I am at the beginning of a long weight loss journey having put on this amount of weight during both pregnancies in the past so it felt more excusable back then

Nobody has said a word to me these past three years and honestly I don't know whether if they had it would have had any impact

I told my brother that I am almost in the morbidly obese category and said I was shocked at that , he answered he wasn't shocked. It did act as a wake up call that actually everyone can see I am fat and because I have been ignoring it doesn't mean it isn't so.

Overall I don't think you can influence this sorry

To be honest unrealhousewife I don't know! At the time I certainly never thought 'Oh god she must think I need to lose weight'. Her and one of the other mums at school were always raving about how fantastic and fun this particular zumba instructor was. It took me months to pluck up the courage to go. So glad I did though. I've met so many lovely people. And have even been on two fitness weekends and am booked on another two. Certainly never thought I'd ever be doing anything like that :-)