If I say something about her weight?

[LadyRabbit]

Oh God. This is not a thread about fat shaming, really it isn't, but I don't think I can go on any longer 'enabling' someone I love dearly to slowly kill themselves.

My DSis (younger than me) is a great girl. Funny, kind and witty. Very sensitive, but that in turn gives her great empathy with other people, and she is one of the most thoughtful people I know. However, she is also incredibly overbearing sometimes and while I always stick up for her, yesterday was another episode of witnessing her be prickly and quite rude to someone (who took it with good grace) because deep down I know she feels insecure and as a result overcompensates by being brash and sometimes offensive. I have seen her ruin friendships over the years and never said anything because I want her to feel that she always has someone on her side.

The thing is she is morbidly obese, and has been slowly getting this way since childhood. My parents tried to help her - special diet companies, gym subscriptions, therapy, you name it, they may not be perfect but they did do their best. Over the years, when my DM and I have had big heart-to-hearts with her we established that no, she isn't happy being this overweight (nearly 300lbs now) and she knows that it is part of the reason she has been on anti-depressants since adolescence. (She is now nearly 30.) I have other friends and relatives who are very overweight but they are definitely what I would call happy - in long term relationships, enjoying their work, healthy (apart from needing to loose weight). I am not overweight and haven't ever been, so I realise that I can't fully understand what it is like to be in her position but I can see that it has been impacting her life for nearly twenty years now with no sign of improvement, in fact the opposite. But because I haven't gone through what she is going through I have never felt I was in a position to say anything.

But - SORRY this is a LONG one! - I can't take it anymore. I can't take watching someone I love throwing their life away on crap food, no exercise, constant ill health, never having a relationship when all she talks about is wanting to meet a good man and have kids, taking more anti-depressants and all the side-effects (one of which is cruelly more weight gain). I want my sister to have a family, feel good about herself, go for the career things she holds back from, make friendships without fucking them up because her insecurity makes her behave weirdly. I love her and see all her goodness inside struggling to come out and my heart sinks when I haven't seen her for a few months and see she's put even more weight on and can't even walk down the street without needing to stop every ten minutes. And I hate the moment when people meet her for the first time - when I've talked about my sister to them - and register that I never mentioned her weight and their first comment is 'wow, you don't look like sisters at all'. That bit makes me want to cry for her.

I want to say something. Firmly, but with love and concern. I talked at length to a friend of mine who has lost an awful lot of weight, and he confirmed that it has to come from within the person themselves. But I fear it never will with my DSis, and as time goes on I feel I have to say something because if I don't it will be an act of cowardice masquerading as love and I love her desperately.

So WIBU to sit her down and say something? If you don't think it's U, how should I say it? If you think it's U, why? I genuinely need some advice because I don't want to ruin the relationship I have with her.

LadyRabbit - if you want to help her, the place to start is her mental health.

I was bullied at secondary school, and have a lifelong history of depression as a result - the bullying led to me having terribly low self esteem - to this day, I am surprised that people like me.

I have a voice in my head that has basically taken over from the bullies, and that is so harsh and critical - I call myself a failure, berate myself for every bad food decision, lie awake at night with the voice telling me how dreadful I am - why would anyone like someone as gross as me. When my therapist asked me to bring an image of myself to mind, the critical inner me came up with Jabba the Hut - that is how I see myself and how I judge myself.

Basically I do not like myself AT ALL - so why would I care enough about that person to feed them well, or encourage them to make tiny steps towards healthier decisions?

Maybe your sister feels like that. If she is filled with similar self-loathing, then you having a go at her will be horrendously painful, and might serve only to reinforce her belief that she is unworthy, worthless, a failure.

Until she has tackled her depression, she will struggle to deal with her weight. I am. It saying she has to be completely cured before she can start dealing with her weight, but finding some inner peace, and a kinder inner voice is the starting point.

I am having cognitive behavioural therapy, to treat my depression, and it is also helping me make some small steps toward healthier lifestyle choices. Basically, I am having to learn how to be kind to myself.

Remember, it is very easy to use food to smother the sadness inside - I know I do that. Carbs can have an almost sedative effect - I have used them to pack away the feelings of unhappiness, if that makes sense.

It is also worth remembering that our brains have not evolved to cope with the sheer level of abundance of food that surrounds us. How long do,you think we have had supermarkets offering thousands of different food products - many of them so cheap? I don't think we had anything near this level of abundance when I was growing up - it is very new. Our bodies have evolved over thousands of years, and for the vast majority of that time, most people have lived hand-to-mouth - if they were lucky, they had enough to eat. So our brains are conditioned by those thousands of years of evolution to eat, eat, eat, when food is available, because it might be gone tomorrow.

But now, it isn't gone tomorrow - there is still plenty- and our brains need to catch up. That is why it can be so hard to lose weight - we are fighting our basest instincts.

Add in the fact that so much very processed food is addictive, so our bodies crave it, and you have another level to the struggle.

Remember also, at her weight, she will find it hellishly difficult to exercise - I get back ache and sore joints if I try to go for a walk. When I joined a gym last year, I was doing 3x10 minutes on the treadmill, and some resistance work - and pretty soon, my joints hurt so much, I couldn't walk up to the gym from the car park - so I stopped.

Runesigil - I see why you are suggesting the OP should ask her sister to help design a fitness programme for her - but there is a big risk she will see that as very manipulative - I know I would have - and my reaction would have been, 'I am fat, not stupid' - in addition to the huge hurt that even my nearest and dearest were judging me. The OP will know if it is an approach that would work,with her sister, but it would have had a very negative effect on me.

Carmine - Yes - psychiatric nurses will tell you that long term depression can very often be embraced and requires a kick up our own backsides ...to DO something even if you don't feel like doing something. You don't wait till you feel better - you have to MAKE yourself do things.

And I'm not knocking anti-depressants - I think they are very useful and do a great job balancing out cortisol levels (stress hormone) - but they don't fix everything and long term use is not recommended - 15 years plus.
This is not victim blaming - this about small steps to recovery and resisting the hold of hopelessness and helplessness and not allowing it to take over.

Can I say, even when someone is talking to themselves, encouragement is better than 'making' themselves or 'giving themselves a kick up the bum' - these are perfect examples of the harsh inner voice that I have used toward myself for so many years, and it has nearly destroyed me.

Since I have learned to use kinder words in my thoughts about myself, I have been able to make some small but significant steps towards a healthier life - steps I never managed before - because I am encouraging myself instead of kicking myself.

I know it sounds trivial, but it is not - not for me.

Yes encouraging self talk is right. A kick up the bum is just that - it's not harsh or critical, it's like a pragmatic pro-active attitude - it's not unkind.

I think we will have to agree to differ, Animation - I don't see a kick as gentle or kind encouragement - whether physically or mentally applied. If someone is that hurt and fragile, I think even a kindly-meant, encouraging kick will be too painful.

But it is probably two different people's different ways to describe a very similar approach - I am just hypersensitive about using the kindest of language at the moment, because I can feel it working for me.

OK SDT

This is just an impossible situation there is no way of knowing what the right thing to do is. It sounds like your family have been supportive of her.

My FIL died of 'obesity' (conditions caused by obesity). It took him years of being horribly unwell before he finally died. It was such a pointless and unpleasant death and we all felt awful that we were so powerless to do anything. We just couldn't work out a way to get him to stop overeating or for him to do any exercise. It was tragic and very, very sad. I still find myself being pissed off with him for not being there for his wife and children.

I am not sure what I would do in your shoes. I think I would have to say something. I agree with those suggesting you focus on her mental health rather than her weight but I understand that these two things are intertwined issues.

Good luck.

Most raw moment ever for me was when I needed surgery and was struggling to lose the weight for it.

Doctor said, "Lost the weight because you ARE a good person, not to become one".

I think it's a psychological issue that you would like her to address.

SDT your post breaks my heart, but thank you for being so honest in your post. I thought a lot about this thread last night and what is the best thing I can do to help my sister. I avoid the subject of her weight like the plague until she brings it up which is rarer and rarer these days - in fact, I think it's been at least two or three years since we last talked about it. She really fell for someone a few years ago who didnt reciprocate her feelings and it really brought her down for a while, although she is currently in a much better place. I just know she's lonely, and watching all her friends partner up and start families and sighs when talking about how she'd like the same. My cousin and I really encouraged her when she mentioned thinking about joining a dating site, but she just doesn't have the confidence to fully do it.

Of course her weight is only a part of the puzzle - which is why I mentioned in my original OP that friends and family I know who have never let weight get in the way of having families etc.

So I accept that I should not sit her down and say anything. Is there any thing I can do though - anything you think might help her like herself more, and like herself enough to feel she deserves to be happier? I love her so much, and I suppose because I am a lot older than her I tend to take on a more motherly role. I just want to be helpful and not bossy I guess.

It's so hard op. I think in my case (I was 7 stones over weight at one point, have lost 5.5), I would have loved for a sibling or a friend to talk to me honestly about my weight. Not as in 'you're really really fat, you need to lose weight, I knew that!! but 'how are you doing at the moment with your weight' kind of thing. I would have loved support, so someone to come out on walks with me or come to a weight loss club, or ring me up and ask how Overeaters Anonymous was going. Just be supportive. Maybe talk through gastric bypass, and such options. 300 lbs is a huge weight, it is enough that she is risking her life. When you get very big you can be in denial, and I guess if you sit there and say 'I am really really scared you are going to die' then again, it might be the shock she needs.

I would recommend watching 'Hunger for Change' and giving her a copy. Likewise a copy of 'Escape the Diet Trap'. I regularly listen to a meditation app on emotional eating by Andrew Johnson and it still helps me a great deal.

There is a very large chance that there's nothing you can do, it sounds like it's been a problem for a long time. There is hope though, and there are definitely ways of stepping in and voicing your concerns in a supportive manner. Food addiction is awful.

When you are massively overweight, it can seem like an insurmountable obstacle. What will one pound lost mean when you are 300 pounds? And similarly what's one extra pound.

Of course at her weight she is probably at risk of diabetes and may have high choleresterol. Could you manage a discussion which isn't about weight but is about one aspect of health? E.g. cutting out sugar OR reducing saturated fat?

I get exactly what you mean. One of my DSis, mid 40s, is morbidly obese. We all feel desperately worried about her health, but if anyone mentioned it she'd break down, weep, get angry and then not speak to said person again. It's just not something you could discuss with her.

She's always starting a new diet, last was being hypnotised. She's massively enthusiastic and chatty about them and then it suddenly stops dead. I've noticed she kind of blames other people for her size. She blamed our DM for their tricky relationship when she was a teenager, although she didn't put weight on until her late 20s, and told a consultant we're a fat family when he mentioned her weight.

No idea how to help.

OP have you ever talked to her about what she wants and how she can go about making her goals happen? I would leave the weight issue to one is until she brings it up and then not focus on that too much. Your sister is a person first and secondly has weight as an issue.

If your sister is so big then it sounds like an addiction which no well meaning advice from a lay person (even a Close relative) can hope to cure. I would focus on helping her learn how to be happy in herself regardless of the weight as that is possibly only a symptom and not the actual problem.

Sillylass - what a wonderful piece of advice - an absolutely perfect description of how to talk to someone who is depressed. They should put that as a sticky in Mental Health.

It is excellent advice sillylass, but the OP doesn't come over as someone who thinks she has all the answers. She is trying to find the best way of helping her sister, and is looking for advice about how to do that. If she were this ultra-controlling person, she'd have just barged in. She didn't.

Silence is agreement.

If you'd have an intervention for an alcoholic, I think it's ok to have an intervention for a food addict. She might need a wake up call.

You've already not said anything and this is the result. Perhaps saying something will help motivate her to think about her health.

Ultimately though, she has to be the one that chooses to change. You can't decide that for her.

She does not need a wake up call. Trust me, she knows she has a weight problem - she knows it with every step, every time she looks in a mirror, every time she tries to buy clothes.

The harsh intervention could push her over the edge into self harm or suicide - that's what it would have done for me.

I have lived this lady's life - I am living it - and the 'intervention'/'kick up the backside' approach is far more likely to do real harm than to help her.

What SDTG said

Don't you think she has a wake up call when she sees her reflection? when she doesn't sit down on the bus even though her feet are killing her because she is afraid she won't fit on the seat? when she goes clothes shopping and shops by "will it fit me" not by "will it suit me"?

The dozens of small daily humiliations remind her constantly of her size - she really doesn't need anyone else to do that for her.

I disagree with most posters here. I think you SHOULD bring it up with her. Not in an 'have you noticed you're getting a bit fat?' kind of way because, no shit Sherlock, she knows.

More in a 'how do you feel these days/how's things with you?' And see if she will open up to you. I think for most very obese people their weight becomes quite taboo and everyone tiptoes around them. She may actually WANT to open up to someone about her worries.

I think with her age, mental health problems and size she would be a good candidate for bariatric surgery.

I would try to persevere if it were my sister.

I went to my GP because I was aware I was seriously depressed again. He decided that my weight was causing my depression, and did his damnedest to focus the entire consultation on my weight, despite my efforts to move away from that topic - I know full well that my weight is a symptom /effect of my depression, not the cause, but he was not interested in what I was thinking, feeling or saying, only in his own agenda.

In the end, I was in tears, on my feet, about to walk out of the surgery with no help, support or medication for my depression, and at that point he finally agreed not to talk about my weight any more. He just referred to it as 'the thing we are not allowed to mention' - snide bastard.

I left the surgery with a plan in place - basically I had to organise my psychiatrist appointment, and all he had to do was provide a letter. I got almost zero help from him - and if I had walked out mid-consultation, I would have been extremely distressed on top of black depression - fuck alone knows what I would have done.

This is why I know how much harm it can do if you push someone who is depressed about their weight. I felt utterly worthless, and the gp's lecturing (aka kick,up the bum/intervention) nearly pushed me to suicide.

IMO depression can be a far greater risk to a person's health than obesity.

STDG. Seems that you're doing really well, despite your GP, and it's really generous of you to be posting here about how hard it is.

Thank you Sally - this is really close to my heart.