If I say something about her weight?

[LadyRabbit]

Oh God. This is not a thread about fat shaming, really it isn't, but I don't think I can go on any longer 'enabling' someone I love dearly to slowly kill themselves.

My DSis (younger than me) is a great girl. Funny, kind and witty. Very sensitive, but that in turn gives her great empathy with other people, and she is one of the most thoughtful people I know. However, she is also incredibly overbearing sometimes and while I always stick up for her, yesterday was another episode of witnessing her be prickly and quite rude to someone (who took it with good grace) because deep down I know she feels insecure and as a result overcompensates by being brash and sometimes offensive. I have seen her ruin friendships over the years and never said anything because I want her to feel that she always has someone on her side.

The thing is she is morbidly obese, and has been slowly getting this way since childhood. My parents tried to help her - special diet companies, gym subscriptions, therapy, you name it, they may not be perfect but they did do their best. Over the years, when my DM and I have had big heart-to-hearts with her we established that no, she isn't happy being this overweight (nearly 300lbs now) and she knows that it is part of the reason she has been on anti-depressants since adolescence. (She is now nearly 30.) I have other friends and relatives who are very overweight but they are definitely what I would call happy - in long term relationships, enjoying their work, healthy (apart from needing to loose weight). I am not overweight and haven't ever been, so I realise that I can't fully understand what it is like to be in her position but I can see that it has been impacting her life for nearly twenty years now with no sign of improvement, in fact the opposite. But because I haven't gone through what she is going through I have never felt I was in a position to say anything.

But - SORRY this is a LONG one! - I can't take it anymore. I can't take watching someone I love throwing their life away on crap food, no exercise, constant ill health, never having a relationship when all she talks about is wanting to meet a good man and have kids, taking more anti-depressants and all the side-effects (one of which is cruelly more weight gain). I want my sister to have a family, feel good about herself, go for the career things she holds back from, make friendships without fucking them up because her insecurity makes her behave weirdly. I love her and see all her goodness inside struggling to come out and my heart sinks when I haven't seen her for a few months and see she's put even more weight on and can't even walk down the street without needing to stop every ten minutes. And I hate the moment when people meet her for the first time - when I've talked about my sister to them - and register that I never mentioned her weight and their first comment is 'wow, you don't look like sisters at all'. That bit makes me want to cry for her.

I want to say something. Firmly, but with love and concern. I talked at length to a friend of mine who has lost an awful lot of weight, and he confirmed that it has to come from within the person themselves. But I fear it never will with my DSis, and as time goes on I feel I have to say something because if I don't it will be an act of cowardice masquerading as love and I love her desperately.

So WIBU to sit her down and say something? If you don't think it's U, how should I say it? If you think it's U, why? I genuinely need some advice because I don't want to ruin the relationship I have with her.

I think it's ok to sit her down and tell her how worried you are about her, and that when she is ready you will be there to support her every step of the way. I agree though that it has to come from her, there is no quick fix, people have to want to make a lifestyle change before they can get on with it.

Sillylass - taking anti-depressants for 10-15 years is a concern. It's an unusually long time to be on medication and so it's understandable that OP wishes it were not so. Depression doesn't always just go away on it's own with the help of medication, sometimes we have to to give ourselves a kick up the backside and not embrace the depression, and maybe seek talking therapies. I'm surprised the GP hasn't intervened and suggested other therapies rather than continue to prescribe medication for all these years.

sillylass79 I said I can't stand watching a vicious circle repeat itself over and over with no end in sight, one of which is the possibility of a life spent on anti-depressants when gradual positive changes could help her reduce meds and eventually come off them.

Of course you can't tell someone to snap out of depression. But you can identify contributing factors and help them to help themselves to better mental health in the long term, especially as one of the side effects in her case has been increased weight gain which makes her feel worse all over again. They may have kept her on a relatively even keel but when she herself says she wishes she could come off them is it so wrong to wish that she could one day be medication free?

thanks for your honesty HatieKopkins

I think the other thing that kills me is when other family members talk about her weight, or when I hear other people bitch about overweight people in general. Because I know that she has to put up with that and it does my head in. Big sister complex I guess. I was literally ready to go into her school on a daily basis when she was a kid to punch anyone giving her grief - of course, I didn't ever do that!! I know my sister isn't stupid, isn't overweight out of laziness or greed or any of the horrible things people say in passing.

So. I just have to sit and wait for her to have her epiphany. It's hard though.

If anything (speaking as a person whose weight has been a life long war) what she needs to hear is nothing about her weight, what she is doing wrong with her life etc...

What she needs to hear, if it is actually true, is that you love and support her in anything SHE chooses to do.

Never in my life did I hear anything that wasn't conditional. You would be pretty IF you weren't fat, you could find a man IF you didn't weigh so much, no man will love your mind IF he can't see past your hideous body, you will never sing professionally, they wouldn't want to see you on stage...

I never knew unconditional love. Who I was seemed insignificant in comparison to what I looked like.

Your sister needs someone who will love her for her... can you be that person?

You may be surprised, when she finds that person, she might not need the food after all.

Completely agree with sillylass.

I'm nearly 3 stone overweight. My dh loves the fact I'm curvy (fat!) and I enjoy my life, just as much as I did when I was a size 8 many years ago. (Now size 18). Weight has no correlation to success in relationships as long as you have confidence and good self esteem - this may be what is lacking in your sister.

Yanbu to be worried for her but she clearly knows there is a problem. You can't lead a horse to water if they only want cake. (Said very tongue in cheek of course).

You can say what you like to her, but it won't be anything she doesn't already know or isn't aware of! I say this because I too am killing myself with food - I don't have any other vices in my life, just food and I know I am very overweight. My DH used to be overweight as a child so he knows how I feel but he also wants me to be healthier. However, it doesn't matter how many times he nags me, I will do it when I am ready and not before. I know I need to seek help for my issue with food, but I lack the confidence. Unfortunately, you have to let her make the decision about if and when she wants to change her life, there really isn't anything more you can do for her other than be supportive when she needs it

Well I'm going to go againdst the general consensus on this thread and say yes tell her how you feel and what you see it is doing to her. If you have the relationship you say you have it will come across as concern for her welfare and not a dictatorial rant.

My brother is north of 350lbs and doesn't want to do anything about it, I think he'll be dead within the next 10 years from a massive coronory, nothing anyone has said has changed him, but he does accept what has been said is out of concern.

Callme - great post. I think unconditional love always makes a difference, but the person also needs to find it in themselves too? Lady by giving her that, you could be a trigger for her to start the process of learning to love and accept herself, though she will need a good therapist to help her too. Without the unconditional self love though, as sillylass says, even if weight is lost, nothing else is likely to change.

OP - your posts read as though you talk at your Dsis, tell her what her problem is, tell her what she needs to do to fix things. Could you start an activity, go for a regular walk together, diet, weightwatchers, ladies gym membership and ask her to go along so you can do it together.
So that instead of you being the successful one and her being the failure (in her eyes) you approach something as equals. Otherwise the family dynamic sounds like an extra pressure on someone who already feels they aren't good enough.

I am also going to go against the grain, and YANBU

I do think though that her mental state and her self worth are the issue here not her obesity- so thats what you sdhould try and focus on first

do you have the time free to spend with her should she elect to proactively adress this??

I really feel for you. There's no other addiction/compulsion where you would be expected to stand by and watch. If she was harming herself with alcohol and not getting help people would say you should consider going nc if it was upsetting you so much.

I agree with strawberryjam that if you do say something it should be from your perspective - you're worried, you can't stand to see her making herself ill, it's too tough for you to see etc.

Also agree with ecclescakes that you should emphasise you love her and when/if she wants to make changes you will support her.

Good luck - and fwiw, your OP did not sound "fat shaming" at all - your concern is evident.

Gosh, this is a tough one. I speak as someone who has been overweight for most of my adult life, obese for a lot of it, and severely obese for some of it. Plus desperately unhappy and ashamed about my weight and appearance, and far too embarrassed ever to talk about it - it was the biggest of no-go areas and everyone I knew picked up the signals and let it stay that way.

Eventually (late 40s) I managed to do something about it and lost a lot of the weight. But I wish that someone - anyone - had taken me in their arms a couple of decades earlier, broached the subject, and made me feel they cared enough about me to want me to help myself. Losing a large amount of weight was just too difficult for me to do it alone until I reached a point of feeling better about myself in my late 40s. But I do often wonder whether if I'd had the help and support of someone who loved me unconditionally whether I'd have managed it a lot earlier, and not 'lost' part of those decades.

Given that your sister seems to have reached quite an extreme state so young, OP, I think you would be justified in saying something. Choose your time and place carefully, so that you'll be free of interruptions, and you've lots of time to deal with any fall-out that may happen. Remind her repeatedly that you love her and you're concerned about her - you may think it's obvious, but keep saying it. And maybe have a few practical ideas to offer. Can you offer to go for a walk a few times a week (assuming that at the moment, walking any distance is hard for your sister)? Any other nice things you can do together that don't involve food or eating?

YABU to sit her down and say something, YANBU to help her to do something.

When DB was smoking himself to death I refused to let it be. Every time I met him I reminded him about stopping. I couldn't have lived with myself otherwise.

You say she has had help before, but has she actually spoken to the doctor about her weight.

I am morbidly obese, but a few stone lighter now that I was a while ago - I have had weight loss surgery.

I went to the doctor about 18 months ago about a sore ear, and while I was there I mentioned my weight, and it set the ball rolling to get the help I needed. The doctor said she wondered if I was going to mention my weight as they aren't meant to say panty thing about it if the patient doesn't.

Weight loss surgery isn't a miracle cure and it's been a hard time getting here, and it will be hard for life. But I am starting to have a life.

weight loss is different to stopping smoking though. not harder of course, but different

A friend of mine had a very bad weight problem and found Overeaters Anonymous very helpful.

But what seems to have really helped was a change of her anti-depressants. I know every case is different, but in her case, the psychiatrist put her on a new anti-depressant that also treated the comfort eating.

Talking to her might make you feel better

But it does nothing for her.

Ultimately the only person that can change her.....is her.

Same with drinkers gamblers or other people with addiction.

Speaking as someone who is morbidly obese i wouldnt say anything. She will know how she looks and how it is affecting her health.
It is the first thing i think about when i open my eyes in the morning and not an hour passes through the day when its not on my mind. Ive tried every weight loss diet/book/ nhs weight management etc.

I loose 2 stone gain 3
Loose 3 gain 4..
My last attempt was ww and i lost 80 pound and yes regained that and more. I am currently at my heaviest ever and it kills me . I hate myself, hate going out etc. i occasionally will mention my weight to a couple of friends but if someone approached me about it i would be mortified.

Could you enlist her help and support on a health and fitness programme designed for you ?

I've re-jigged our whole family's eating habits of late with a view to becoming healthier as a family, (lower carbs, no junk or processed foods, nothing drastic) how about saying you want to try something like that for yourself and can she help you out with some support as you're not sure you can stick to it if you go it alone? If she joins in with you for moral support initially, she'll soon make progress and hopefully carry on. Do you think it's worth a try?

There are antidepressants that suppress appetite while still lifting mood - Trazodone is one. Maybe she could ask her doctors to try her on something else?

I nearly always lose weight when I'm unhappy, and gain weight when things are going well... I'm the opposite of a comfort eater. That's not really any healthier, though I secretly always like the silver lining of getting skinny if I'm sad.

Also, seriously, animation, do you know anything about depression at all? "Give ourselves a kick up the backside"? WTAF. Talking therapy can be very helpful, mostly when combined with antidepressants, but there are some people (my best friend for one) whose brain chemistry is messed up enough that she will never function without them, and that's not because she is any lazier or less willing to help herself than I am - I've been on antidepressants, got better and stopped taking them, then years later needed a short or medium length course once more, but who knows whether her depression feels the same as mine? No one, that's who. I hate that kind of victim-blaming shit.