AIBU to expect a Mother of older teens to go out and worK?

[doglover17]

One child well into their teens, walks to school. Shared 50/50 care with Father (ex). Lives off child maintenance, spousal, tax credits and child benefits. Has had a few part time jobs in the past but never sticks at them. Now declares they should not have to work. Is it unreasonable to expect them to find more independence through finding employment? If so why? And outside of this scenario, what sort of case would make it unreasonable?

She has presumably made a decision that is the most beneficial to herself and her children.

But it sounds like this is more of a divorce/stepfamily minefield than an employment/benefits issue. If it was messy, then the fallout from it can be for life.

Stop how do you know the woman is seeking employment, signing on and getting jobseeker's allowance? Op said this woman is living off xyz, no mention of seeking work. She 'doesn't see why she should have to work'.

Stop how do you know the woman is seeking employment, signing on and getting jobseeker's allowance?

doglover17 Mon 30-Jun-14 11:32:11
If she was setting up a business from home, then great. But let's say for arguments sake she isn't. Then what since she is a burden on the system through claiming benefits I guess?

Op says The woman is burden on the state claiming benefits.

While I would agree that it is indeed none of your business whether or not your partner's child's mother works, nor whether or not she claims state benefits, doglover17, I would also say that the amount her ex husband/your partner pays in child and spousal maintenance, is very much your business because of this ....

"I support him with my earnings, so in turn I am supporting her indirectly".

If your partner has insufficient funds left over, after paying maintenance, to meet his own living expenses/needs, then he is clearly paying an incorrect amount.

How long have you and he been living together? How on earth did he manage financially, before you were living together?

I understand that he would want to provide for his teenage child, but perhaps he could meet a lot of that provision during his part of the shared care time.

How old is his child? Perhaps it is time to start re-thinking financial provision anyway (forthcoming college, university, etc) and perhaps the teenager could be involved in the decisions to be made by such a review.

Is your partner legally committed to paying lifelong spousal maintenance?

I really don't think it is okay for you to be subsidising spousal maintenance paid by your partner to his ex. Do you have children who are being affected by this? (not that it matters, because you are being affected by it, financial and ... presumably ... emotionally).

I think the point you need to make to your DP is that you are no longer going to support his EX which is what you are doing to allow him to give his earning to her, so he needs to cover at 50% of all costs - both day to day living, holiday's and other large ticket items within your household. And if that means he con not continue to give his ex £xxxx's each month then he needs to reassess.

"Maybe she made huge career sacrifices, enabling her exh to buildca career and high salary, in the expectation that as a unit the financial rewards would be shared"

It doesn't sound as if he has built a career with a high salary, though, Infinity8.

Had he done so, it does seems unlikely that OP would be having to financially subsidise his own living expenses, thus indirectly enabling him to pay the spousal maintenance. So really, perhaps not.

YANBUunless there are special circumstances, if she is able to work and can find work she should be working. Whatever she earns would reduce her spousal support and that is probably the reason why she doesnt think its worth getting a job but I think that assuming her children dont need her at home, then its morally bankrupt to not contribute at all to your own upkeep.

Why would your partner agree to support his ex for the rest of her life when he can't afford to, that doesn't make sense, less so because it's a private agreement. What sort of man allows his new partner to support his old? He should be sorting this out, it's coming across that he doesn't respect you.

As to wether or not the woman should work of course she should be looking for employment. It's not up to the state or an ex partner to support someone who is capable of supporting themselves, I don't understand how people think it's ok to leach off others.
Clearly it's different if people have their own persona
funds and can support themselves, then it's no one elses business.

MN is a bit of a first wives club. She should have more respect for herself and pay her own way in reality. Very easy not to when someone gives you money for nothing....

I maintain the problem is with DP. Speak to him, say it can't go on as it is. You aren't happy to support his ex because quite frankly it's ridiculous and if he refuses, in all honesty I'd leave. I don't know what hold she's got over him but if he's allowing it to effect you and your relationship you'll always feel second best.

How do you know she hasn't tried to get a job?
I'm a mum of 2 aged 5 and 7 I do look for work but jobs don't grow on trees and I get sick of people saying "why don't you get a job"
I feel like I'm making myself more usefull by being here to take my children to school, pick them up, cook their tea bath them and tuck them in every night. My husband works full time he may not be on a huge wage but it pays our bills.

If my DH were voluntarily paying a lifetime of spousal maintenance to anyone....well, I wouldn't have stood for it. That's bonkers. Your problem is with that arrangement and your DP. What's his thinking behind it???

YANBU. When her youngest turns 18 and the maintainence and child tax credits stop ( possibly very suddenly) she's perhaps going to wish she had a plan in place for returning to work sooner. Years out of the job market are never good for anyone unless you absolutely need to be at home. Starting to get back into some kind of part time work would be beneficial to her otherwise she will really struggle financially in a few years unless the spousal maintainence is going to continue indefinately and is enough to live on . I'm not sure how spousal maintainence works, I'm surprised it even exists.

This is one of these threads where there would be outrage if a woman was paying for her ex who had decided he didn't want to work at all any more and that he fancied staying at home....

OP, I see that you're unhappy that your partner pays his ex ££££ in support and that you are supporting him as a result.

A couple of things. He pays to support his children until they are 18, he is not paying to support her, whether she is workshy or otherwise. Secondly, I'm pretty sure you are not privy to to her entire financial situation, her ability to work or her health situation, so this comes across as rather unpleasant.

I quietly suggest you accept the fact that he has a financial commitment to his family that he is honouring, rather than trying to dissuade him otherwise because it suits you better.

"He pays to support his children until they are 18, he is not paying to support her"

According to the original and subsequent posts, this is not true, Petrasmumma.

In this particular instance the ex husband is paying both Child Maintenance and Spousal Maintenance.

Exactly ADish - the ex is not simply paying for his children (which is, of course, as it should be), he's paying for another adult who has decided that she doesn't really fancy the idea of work. The OP has also already explained that there are no health issues which would prevent her from working.

My partner has a child from a previous marriage (wife left him). He pays maintenance, and as he is a low earner and we have a child, this basically means I subsidise our family and support our child so his first child remains protected. I would love to stay at home and be with my child but I live in the real world. Bollocks to paying spousal support though, absolutely no way we'd ever do it.

Well, do bear in mind that while the details are scant, we're extremely unlikely to have the information as to why this agreement was reached.

entirely between them and possibly a court about spousal maintenance

however, you dont need to be paying it! just stop subsidising
up to him if he then lives on beans forever or actually revisits the arrangement

OP had said it's a private arrangement, not through court, that's why I think she needs to tell her DP it's not on. With a straight 50:50 split in residence too he doesn't need to pay that either.

I absolutely have no problem whatsoever with him supporting his child, whom I love very much. In addition to the child maintenance, which is nearly double what is set he pays for everything else, any travel, haircuts, uniform, clubs etc etc. he does this as he does not want her to suffer in any way whatsoever.

The spousal maintenance was set a long time ago when he had his own company and earns more. That has long ceased to exist as it went under sadly. He has since worked for someone else for quite a few years and it is highly unlikely, as much as he'd like to, and trust me he would, earn anymore money than he already does. When the income dropped he did manage to persuade her at that time to look for work to help support herself. She did some part time work for a wee while. Then I came along. After a year we moved into a rented house together (he was renting before as she got the house mortgage free, and I have no problem with that). We chose a low rent house so as to be able to live, the three of us, as comfortably as we could. She then, and this may well be coincidental, gave up work and requested the same amount of spousal maintenance, a four figure sum, as before, due to the fact that I was covering some of his bills, which is true. I do work full time but it is not a large salary or anything like it! She claimed that she did not want to work anymore and that he should keep her in the same lifestyle as when they were married, which some of you may agree with and that is your prerogative. She threatened him with moving away with the teenage to the other side of the country and that he would never see them again, and she meant it. As a stop gap, he agreed as we were both terrified of the potential outcome but to a slightly lesser figure, but not by much.

We truly cannot afford to keep doing this. We have absolutely no chance at this rate of affording our own home for the three of us. It has been suggested that she could possibly work part time and the spousal be reduced but that has been met with a firm no and some threats.

We didn't want this to escalate eg Courts because of not wanting to drag the teenager through all of this, what will be a messy affair. The hope was this could continue to be sorted outside of any solicitors or courts.

I worry how we are all going to survive the older we get if, which is what she has firmly specified, requires supporting fully.

Tell her to sod off. I doubt a teenager will want to move to the other end of the country away from their dad and their friends, I think they'd choose to stay with you. She'd prob end up with no maintenance spousal or child. Call her bluff.