AIBU to expect a Mother of older teens to go out and worK?

[doglover17]

One child well into their teens, walks to school. Shared 50/50 care with Father (ex). Lives off child maintenance, spousal, tax credits and child benefits. Has had a few part time jobs in the past but never sticks at them. Now declares they should not have to work. Is it unreasonable to expect them to find more independence through finding employment? If so why? And outside of this scenario, what sort of case would make it unreasonable?

I think that unless you can afford to pay your own way without out of work benefits, you should be working

Well if her youngest is over 5 she'll be on jobseekers and will have to prove her job seeking efforts so you can sleep easy tonight.

Wow you guys are more het up about this than me
well you asked the question...what did you expect? everyone to agree that your 'man's ex should work 45 hours a week?

getting someone else to pay for her against their will, because she once gave birth.

Against his will? Are you saying she stole his sperm?

I'd be annoyed if I knew that someone didn't work when there was nothing stopping them. I don't understand how any taxpayer wouldn't be annoyed. I'm not a tax payer but I barely see my husband and he pays a fortune in tax. Of course I'm annoyed when I see it being wasted.

I'd be ashamed if I was her... I can't believe anyone like that exists... Seriously? An adult who is quite happy to be supported by the tax payer? And tells people about it? She must have zero self worth if she exists, because what is she contributing to society? Absolutely nothing. I know we are all supposed to be of equal value regardless of earnings or achievements, but everyone I know in real life measures themselves by what they do as well as who they are.

If we ever lost our money (touch wood) I would do any job, I have no qualifications so I'd have to do cleaning or shop work. Better that than know I was being supported by other peoples hard work.

If we ever lost our money (touch wood) I would do any job, I have no qualifications so I'd have to do cleaning or shop work. Better that than know I was being supported by other peoples hard work.

What, you mean like your husband is supporting you through his hard work?

Is it the not working that is the issue? Or do you feel your DH pays too much in spousal (I don't really know how that works) and child maintenance? Obv her support from the state, tax credits won't last beyond the child being 18/19 so if that is significant, she will have to find a way to replace that. Do you feel you're compensating through your own income for this? Surely it is your DH you need to address, you can't make this woman work but if you feel your household contribution to her is too much, it is up to your DH to address it.

I suspect if someone came on here saying: my dc is (e.g) 15, we live off child maintenance, spousal maintenance, child benefit and tax credits. AIBU to not bother looking for a job? - I hthink there would be a whole load of YABU replies ecompassing self-worth, not being a burden on the state, independence, modelling good work ethic to one's child etc etc.

Interesting to see how the answers change depending on the perspective (the OP is more or less told to mind her own business and the non-working woman is not unreasonable at all).

YABU as it's really none of your business.

However, my MIL refused to work even when DH (the youngest sibling!) reached his 20s because "He might neeeeeeeeed me at home". She was and still is penniless. Her XH pays maintenance, and she was living off that. He's cut it waaaay down now (DH is mid 30s; SIL is nearly 40) and she gets her state pension plus pension credits. She's 64.

She is barely surviving. Her house is falling down. Her cars fall to bits every 18 months or so (and public transport is poor where she lives and no we are not near enough to run about for her) and she has to get whatever 300 will get her.

I can't help thinking that she should have worked when Dh and SIL got to a certain age. She'd had been able to save (owns house outright) something at least. Her reasons for not working were just stupid imho: your 21-year-old son might need his tea on the table????

some of you people have no idea of the reality of working as a single parent do you?
even if she worked 35 or 40 hours a week she would still need to be subsidised by the state in terms of tax credits and housing benefit because guess what work does not pay.
I have always worked as a parent and right now have my own business (start up) - over the years this has probably cost 'the taxpayer' a hell of a lot more than if I had stayed on benefits.
a lot of people dont get this at all.

I am pretty relaxed about people working or not. My husband doesn't really work to be honest. I do resent the sexism that women not working (even when no childcare issues) is generally more easily accepted but that's quite personal to me I suppose.

Op you can't start a thread, read a few replies that don't agree with you, so tell everyone to shut up (effectively) it doesn't work like that (although many a poster has wished it did!)

"Shared 50/50 care with Father (ex). Lives off child maintenance, spousal, tax credits and child benefits"

I don't really understand, doglover17. I thought that if there was 50/50 shared care between parents, then neither would be obliged to pay child maintenance to the other. Is that not true?

Also, I would have thought that spousal maintenance implies that there has been some sort of financial court order made against the father, ordering him to continue to financially support his ex wife. Is that the case?

"Ok seems I am being unreasonable with my view". I'm not actually seeing 'your view' in your posts. All I'm seeing is you giving some (very sparse) details to (barely) describe a situation and asking other posters for their views and opinions.

I do wonder if SaucyJack might have hit the nail on the head here, in saying "I assume you're the ex's new partner". Is that the case? Is there some sort of back story and, if so, do you feel able to give us some more details upon which to base our opinions?

I don't really get why the op is told to mind her own business.

Re tax payers money it is her business - I can completely see why she is annoyed about a woman who chooses not to work but takes benefits instead.

I'm afraid op, you've chosen the only forum ever who siupports this.
OF COURSE she should be working. It's not even worth discussing.

STOP - It's not quite the same because we are a team. I enable him to do such long hours by supporting him.mi do 100% of the childcare, make his breakfast and dinner so he can carry on working instead of cooking, do his laundry and dry cleaning and ironing and all the other stuff he doesn't have time to do.
He definitely wouldn't be able to make as much money if he didn't have me. I know a lot of people need a job for themselves, but I don't feel like that because I know I make a contribution by being at home.

I think she is the new partner and is over-compensating herself to support her DP/DH in this agreement.

but if she were working she would still have to be supported by the state - can people not grasp this?
what's the difference?

YABU to judge.

I'm a SAHM to a DD who's just left school. I've been at home with her since I left Uni 4 years ago as she developed health and anxiety issues.
I've never claimed a penny other than Child Benefit, DH earns far too much for us to even claim tax credits.

She has needed me here so far to support her and get her through the last few years and frankly I don't give a flying fuck what people think. Our family functions well with this arrangement.

She starts college in September and hopefully she'll settle into a new chapter of her life whereby I can start looking for something part time.

AIBU to not bother looking for a job? - I hthink there would be a whole load of YABU replies ecompassing self-worth, not being a burden on the state, independence, modelling good work ethic to one's child etc etc.

Except this woman will be job seeking so that's not comparable is it?

But does she take benefits? Which benefits?
The op said tax benefits which are only available to the employed I think. Is that not correct?

I don't work. One of mine is at uni. No one else's business fortunately.

nigella I'm probably in a minority but I would rather provides £500 in benefits for a family with the parent(s) in work. Than provide £400 for the same family that don't work at all.

I know the in work model costs more but I think there is a benefit to kids growing up in a family where a parent works (not necessarily 40+ hours a week but they do to to work).

My dad worked a lot with kids coming from families with multigenerational unemployment. It was not good for the kids.

I've been a SAHM to DC while they were doing GCSE/A levels. Now looking at going back to work. If I was a single income household during that time, I'd still have been claiming tax credits, etc, if I'd have been employed.
I worked full time before that, but it got to the stage where emotional and practical support was more important than a few extra quid.

Why do so many people on MN only get arsey when it comes to their tax payers money and benefits?

Our taxes are being wasted left, right and centre on many things, yet benefits seems to be the number one moan for some people.

STOP - It's not quite the same because we are a team. I enable him to do such long hours by supporting him.mi do 100% of the childcare, make his breakfast and dinner so he can carry on working instead of cooking, do his laundry and dry cleaning and ironing and all the other stuff he doesn't have time to do.

He definitely wouldn't be able to make as much money if he didn't have me

So who does all that for single parents? If you deem all that necessary for your DH to work then you must deem it necesary for someone to do that to allow single parents to work, however nobody would do all that for a single parent without charging an absoloute fortune so it makes it unaffordable for a single parent to work. The government recognises that it is important for children to have a parent at home and provides a payment to allow that person to eat and feed their children.