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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DH to keep 'critiquing' my health and fitness regime?

91 replies

primarkprincess · 28/06/2014 15:17

DH has always been rubbish at paying me compliments or saying anything nice but it always quick to offer 'constructive criticism' or 'suggestions' about how to do things better whenever I do anything....

We are currently away on holiday. I have spent the past few months, since we booked the holiday really, on a diet and exercise routine, and have really worked hard. I was feeling ok about myself and thought I looked good in my bikini etc.

Whilst I've been doing the healthy eating and exercise he has continually offered unhelpful 'suggestions' about how I could do things better (he eats crap and does no exercise himself btw), even though I've been happy with how I do things.

Then the other day he said that I look no different now to before I started it all :(

And now today he's made comments about how I normally eat the wrong things and eat too much in the evenings. Totally out of the blue and un-asked for.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? Like I said I was feeling ok about myself but now I keep looking at all the skinny twentysomething girls and thinking I must look like a right lardy lump.

Surely it wouldn't hurt him to give me a compliment? Or at least to keep his mouth shut when I haven't asked for advice

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 28/06/2014 15:20

Yanbu, how very supportive of him. If you are feeling good about yourself there's no reason for him to knock that unless he is insecure about himself.
I'm sure you look great!

museumum · 28/06/2014 15:22

Unless he's 100 times fitter and healthier than you, tell him to fuck right off!

I don't often say that. But on this occasion there's nothing more constructive to say.

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 28/06/2014 15:23

Do you think he might be projecting his own insecurities onto you? I bet he does realise you are looking great and he's kicking off because he's so very aware that he could be in better shape himself.

Darkesteyes · 28/06/2014 15:24

Hes doing it to knock your confidence because hes feeling insecure. Either that or hes a misogynist who sees you as a trophy or an object without feelings.
Either way he doesn't come across well.

Original poster

primarkprincess · 28/06/2014 15:25

I am never sure whether he is just a know all who can't help but have his 'say' about everything (FIL is the same) or whether he always wants to bring me down a peg or two

OP posts:

Darkesteyes · 28/06/2014 15:25

And then men like this will blame magazines for the fact that women develop eating disorders.

Original poster

primarkprincess · 28/06/2014 15:27

He always seems to think I should be grateful for his 'advice' even when I haven't asked for any and when it's something he knows nothing about...

OP posts:

Darkesteyes · 28/06/2014 15:30

primark hes not coming across as a very nice person. Seems like hes The Man so his knowledge is better than yours

Montybojangles · 28/06/2014 15:32

Have you just said to him " do you realise how crap and totally demoralising what you just said is? When was the last time you paid me a simple compliment about how I look/what I do, as you are really starting to upset and annoy me with all your constant, unasked for criticism." ?

Or spend a couple of days giving it as good as he does. I'm sure he will quickly get the hump, and then you can tell him he's been giving you the same grief for however long, so what's his problem.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/06/2014 15:36

I'd be inclined to ponder on what he 'gets' out of this behaviour. It
could be many things, it could be a combination. Things I can think of include -

sadistic enjoyment out of upsetting someone
pompous pleasure at being a right know-it-all
a sense of superiority, feeling big by cutting others down

or maybe even something less vague - does his behaviour change your behaviour? Does he succeed in grinding you down so that you become more biddable, more anxious to please him, less likely to speak up for yourself?

Needless to say, whatever his reason for this behaviour, he is an arse. But maybe if you can consider what he gets out of it all you can rob him of his satisfaction by e.g. not seeming upset, telling him he knows nowt, looking pityingly at him, being less biddable/anxious/tamed.

Wear that bikini with pride, woman !

WallyBantersJunkBox · 28/06/2014 15:37

Was he like this before you married him Primark?

Or before you started on your fitness regime?

If not I would also think it was insecurity. If you look more attractive and have greater confidence you may gain more attention, even if you don't notice it yourself.

Not a very attractive quality in a man. Perhaps mention that when he manages to convert his catering pack to a six pack you'll take all of his useful "tips" on board.

Or develop a thick skin "really? I think I look fabulous, no actually I know I do, well people keep telling me I do anyhow....especially that man in the shop when I tried on my bikini...."

Well done on the regime - I bet you look fabalicious x

Pumpkinpositive · 28/06/2014 15:38

He sounds threatened. His problem, not yours. I'd definitely concur with letting him know how he makes you feel.

Original poster

primarkprincess · 28/06/2014 15:49

If I say anything it ends up with lots of hand wringing and eye rolling from him and him saying that I take offence too easily and that he was only trying to help. Then I end up apologising and feeling like a cow.

OP posts:

flyingtrue · 28/06/2014 16:01

YANBU, does he normally like putting you down? Next time, ask him if he enjoys upsetting you, I suspect he'll deny and accuse you of 'making it up'.

I agree with the poster that said it's his insecurity, if he keeps you down then he feels more secure you won't call him on his BS or leave him over it. I bet it stops him looking at himself too.

Alternatively, call him on it when he says your eating habits are bad-challenge him and ask him how he can comment given his own.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 28/06/2014 16:03

If you challenge him on his comments and you end up apologising then he gets exactly the response he is looking for. Why are you feeling bad for him being a twat?

So as I mentioned stick to the thick skinned replies..."nah, I look and feel amazing"

He can't argue with your feelings.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/06/2014 16:11

"Then I end up apologising and feeling like a cow."
Bingo, we have a winner! That's what he gets out of it. Boy, he really is an arse!

Next time he tells you you take offence too easily, tell him he hands out offence too easily. DO NOT APOLOGISE EVER AGAIN. And call him on it, every fucking time. He is in the wrong here, not you.

And yes, maybe it's time for you to treat him in the way he treats you. Some helpful little hints about his wrinkles/paunch/dress sense - whatever you feel he would be most sensitive to. And do the whole eye-rolling if he call you on it.

How long has he been doing this, primark? Since the start, since a particular event (marriage/children/redundancy/job change) or has it crept in subtly?

Agrestic · 28/06/2014 16:15

Op does he like you slightly bigger.. (sorry I don't know what size you are).

When I diet my dp comes out with all kind of 'helpful' suggestions because he likes me on the chubby side...

Original poster

primarkprincess · 28/06/2014 16:17

He's mainly been doing it since we had our DC. He wasn't generally like it pre-children.

Agrestic, I'm a size 8-10 at the moment and have been a 12 at my absolute heaviest. I was really skinny when he met me so I'm guessing he probably prefers me to be very slim.

OP posts:

SquigglySquid · 28/06/2014 16:18

I am never sure whether he is just a know all who can't help but have his 'say' about everything (FIL is the same) or whether he always wants to bring me down a peg or two

Sounds like both.

My DH has tried the "so sensitive" approach. I just tell him yep, and now that he knows I'm "sensitive" about that he can be nicer about it from now on. :)

Don't apologize for expressing your feelings, and don't let him get away with being an ass like that.

Agrestic · 28/06/2014 16:51

He's just being a dick.

Get that bikini back on, tell him he's being a twat and don't apologise if it happens again.

DoJo · 29/06/2014 00:14

Just imagine for a moment that he really believes that you take offence too easily, that you are a sensitive little flower who can't handle the truth - wouldn't a person who loved you make sure they didn't upset you with blunt comments and unwelcome criticism? Shouldn't he try to accommodate what he perceives as your propensity to take offence by changing the way he talks to you rather than just carrying on regardless and acting surprised at the outcome every time?

Even my toddler knows how to get a good reaction when he's talking to me - he understands that a 'please' gets you listened to and a whine gets ignored - surely your husband should have a little more awareness of interpersonal communication than a two year old!

Toadinthehole · 29/06/2014 07:23

Can you give an example of one of his "helpful suggestions?

MrsJossNaylor · 29/06/2014 07:29

OP, is he definitely just being critical fr the sake of it, or is he trying to help?

For example, when I do press ups my DH is always the first to point out my hands aren't quite in the right place, and if i'm doing the plank he'll tell me my bum is sticking up in the air.

It grates, and it is extremely annoying, but he is genuinely trying to help.

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/06/2014 07:50

Some people are just complete wankers sometimes. They need to keep you in your place.

You are a size 8-10 and you probably look amazing in your bikini.

I'd suggest that if he doesn't like your fit tight body he can fuck off and you'll find someone who appreciates it.

Mrs Joss - I very much doubt he is 'genuinely trying to help'. She's a size 8-10 FFS.

Joysmum · 29/06/2014 07:53

Just smile patronisingly at him and say 'yes dear, it's clearly working so well for you!'

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