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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask mothers of grown-up children, are you closer to daughters than sons?

35 replies

Mummyteachmummy · 28/06/2014 10:35

We have a DD and, as pondering the prospect of a second, we've started thinking about gender and how it affects (on average - I know everyone's an individual etc) child/parental relationships. Somebody recently said something to me about girls being yours forever, boys only until they get married, at which point they're absorbed into the other family (or something MUCH catchier than that!)

Just wondering what others' experiences are?

OP posts:

turdfairynomore · 28/06/2014 10:37

A son's a sin til he takes a wife. A daughter's a daughter for the rest of her life!! My DD is 19 and DS16 but at minute I'd say I'm closer to son as he's more like me in nature- more open, sense of humour the same etc.

pianodoodle · 28/06/2014 10:41

I think that rhyme is for the mums that don't have close relationship with their sons to begin with but prefer to blame the DIL when he never calls

heronsfly · 28/06/2014 10:42

I've got 6 dcs , 3 boys 3 girls, 4 of them grown up with their own family's now, my dd1 and I are very good friends as well as mother and daughter, I see her and her dcs almost every day .
My ds1 has always been a 'mummy's boy' and still is, even as a grown up married man and father of 2 himself, I think I am equally close to all my adult children, just in different ways if that makes sense

juneau · 28/06/2014 10:43

I think this depends very much on the people involved and how much effort they make (and, in particular, how much effort the MIL makes to be friendly, but not overbearing or judgemental with her DILs). It also depends on how geographically close you are.

I am reasonably close to my DM. We don't see that much of each other, however, because we live a 2+ hour drive apart. My ILs are awful and I have nothing in common with them. Mercifully, they live in another country, but DH visits them on his own 2-3 times per year.

My DSM (that step-mum), is very close to her three DSs. Two are married with kids, the other isn't. The single one lives nearby and she sees him regularly. The other two live one hour away and three hours away, but they all visit often. DSM makes both her DILs very welcome and she and my dad invite them to things regularly - days out, holidays, family parties. She never makes comments on how they are rearing her GC. Knowing her as I do I know she will have opinions about things, but she never voices them. Ever. She is wise in this regard, IMO. My own MIL constantly gives her hideous opinions and its made me dislike more than ever!

As a mother of two DSs myself, I will try hard to follow my DSM's model when my time comes. Biting your lip and always being friendly and welcoming is the key I reckon.

littlemisssarcastic · 28/06/2014 10:46

Everyone I know which isn't that many people who have grown up children are more in contact/closer to their daughters than sons.

I think daughters feel more responsible for staying in touch as a general rule than sons do. That's just my thoughts though.

I've been NC with my grown up DS for well over a year now but that's probably the exception to the general rule. I also have a DD who isn't grown up and I hope she remains in my life in some capacity when she is grown up.

Birdsgottafly · 28/06/2014 10:48

I've only got adult DD's, who I am very close to.

My DD's Partner and BIL are as close to their Mum, as I am to my DD's.

My Uncles were as close to my Nan as my Mum and Aunty were, more so in fact. Likewise my DH was to his Mum.

Going off the people I know, it is a matter of personality.

I think DIL's are unfairly blamed for the Son not value in the relationship between GM and GC.

I also know women who resent the different way they have been treated, expectations and the excuses made for their brothers behaviour, because they are male.

I think accepting your children for the people they are and their choices, is the most important factor in having a close relationship, when everything else is equal.

You can be a different person/ality to your children, but still have a closeness.

MrsWinnibago · 28/06/2014 11:01

My Mum has three girls and one boy...we're all over 40 now. She's very close to my brother. He's not married though!

Marylou62 · 28/06/2014 11:02

I am one of 5 and two of my DBs are very close to my parents. Checking them every day etc. But it depends by what you mean by close. I moved away pre DCs and don't live in my parents pockets, talk once a week but my goodness do we love each other. I have 3. DSs 24 and 17, and DD 21. Go on hols with DD...great fun and not a cross word. DS 24 is away a lot but we still hug and cuddle. DS 17 has just asked if I needed a hug as (minor) row with his sis who was rude to me. It all depends on how you bring them up I think. We are a close family generally but don't feel we have to be in constant contact. So wanted to call DS 17 every day when he joined navy but how embarrassing for him!! But he KNOWS how much all of them are loved...(Even when they are rude and annoying!)

BlueThursday · 28/06/2014 11:09

I'd say DH and I are closer to his parents than mine. They invite us for dinner, pop over and we go see them.

My DH works away and I'm still invited over when he is.

My parents otoh we barely see or hear from; despite them often checking in on FB to restaurants and bars 2 minutes from my work without so much as a mention to me or an invitation.

Oh you've started me off now!

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 28/06/2014 11:11

Juust because something rhymes or makes a good soundbite, doesn't make it true :)

Mrsjayy · 28/06/2014 11:20

My mil spouted that phrase I just dont think she wanted her sons to get married or she thought his wife was going to mother him anyway I have dds one grown up other is 16 and im am close to both but have more in common with dd2 where as dd1 gets on better with her dad I dont think when you have young children you can think that far ahead iyswim

Coconutty · 28/06/2014 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsjayy · 28/06/2014 11:23

Fwiw I got on great with mil it was rocky to start with but we were good friends I really miss her it was like losing my own mum when she died

ILoveCoreyHaim · 28/06/2014 11:24

Im the only girl of 4 siblings. I think the boys were favoured plus they were 15/16 when i was born. Ive noticed i get rung when something is wrong or DM wants a moan. I am probably closer to DGM as spent more time with her as a child.

I get on fine with exmil and if need any help i will ring her before DM.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 28/06/2014 11:25

Oops parents were 15/16 when i was born

Jinsei · 28/06/2014 11:27

I don't have grown up children, but I think it depends on the individual. Growing up, we were definitely closer to my mum's parents than my dad's. However, my BIL is very close to his DM and my male cousins are very close to my aunt and uncle (their parents).

My DH was very close to his mum till she passed away. :(

Marylou62 · 28/06/2014 11:31

I think with boys though sometimes it is true. My mum had a terrible MIL (just one example...she refused to acknowledge my 3 younger DBs..said my mum should have stopped at 2...I remember one xmas when there were no presents for them...just for me and older DB!!...We left pretty quickly and left our presents there!!!) Anyway...she became the best MIL she could be...never took sides...never said a bad word against SILs (we talk though and she vents but she knows I would never breathe a word) and has a good relationship with all of them and my DH. I have another friend who gets involved with her DSs relationship and rows with his wife...needless to say she has driven her DS away and can't understand why...sad. My DSs 1st girlfriend was hard work, clingy and rude.. but I bent over backwards to never say anything horrid in case it got back to her. I am going to try to be like my Mum...hopefully...

Marylou62 · 28/06/2014 11:37

That was a bit silly to say...probably because I'm from a big male family. MIL can of course row/be nasty to a Son-in-law which would alienate her DD too. Oh please let me be the best MIL ever!!

Andanotherthing123 · 28/06/2014 11:45

I love my MIL and am always trying to get her to come and stay for a week as she's good company and never says anything about my appalling housekeeping. In contrast, my sisters fall out with my DM while our DB gets on really well with her.

it's about personalities more than gender imo.

BackforGood · 28/06/2014 11:46

Well mine are only teens (although eldest is 18 so technically grown up) but I don't think that's so.
You have different relationships with each of your dc, depending on their personalities and things like geographically how close they are to you, but I'm not convinced it's down to gender.

BumpNGrind · 28/06/2014 11:47

I do a lot for my mother in terms of admin or helping her and see her regularly as well as speaking to her daily. I think she see's that as us being close but I rarely feel like she completely understands me and she can also be really judgemental. She mistakes her offering to help financially (which I hate as she has held it against me in the past) as her being helpful and doing things for me. I was much closer to my father when he was alive and think that my mother would have been much closer if she had a dc that would allow her to take charge of their life more than I do.

melissa83 · 28/06/2014 11:51

If your a good mum your children will stay close to you and you will be a close family ime.

bloominbumpy · 28/06/2014 12:04

Can only say from being a daughter but I am definitely closer to my mum than my brother is but I am also closer to my mum than my sister is...

not totally sure its gender based but I would assume that its what you have in common, I see my mum as a friend as well as a mother and we will gladly spend the day together (as would my sister) but my brother would probably be less inclined as they wouldn't enjoy the same things.

I'm lucky as I also have lots in common with my dad and we can happily spend lots of time together doing activities.

My partner on the other hand is definitely a mummies boy!

So I don't think it really matters.

JaceLancs · 28/06/2014 12:30

I have DD aged 22 and DS 21 - became a single parent when they were 4 and 5
We are all quite close to each other, maybe as a result of our small family unit - not always under the same roof due to university etc
I would say I love them both the same and feel equally as close but in very different ways
Some of this is due to differing interests some down to individual personalities
For example my DD is more outgoing, talks about emotional things easily and can easily be entertained with a days shopping
Whereas DS is not at all chatty, although on occasions we have very deep conversations, more likely to be over a meal or coffee, even occasionally a film or gig (one or two shared likes amongst many others which we are diametrically opposed on)
They are both very supportive of me, and things I do (I am employed by a charity) however my DD would be more likely to come with me to a networking event, whereas I look to DS for graphic design input or IT support

SueDoku · 28/06/2014 12:43

I think that it can change throughout life, just as people can change - I was closer to my DS than my DD when they were younger; I loved them both, but he was more like me in temperament.
Now they each have a family of their own and live some distance away - but since my DD had her child, we have grown much closer, while my DS has been more 'absorbed' by his DW's family (and I'm glad, as I know that he has people around him who care for him almost as much as I do)
I still see both of them regularly, and love them both, but the balance of 'closeness' has shifted as time has gone on...

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