Family Wedding Snub?

[EmptyNestAgain]

Bit long, sorry. Also, not posted a thread before, so please be kind.

My DS1 and his GF have been together several years and are now getting married, which we are really happy about. She's lovely -if a bit manipulative-

Anyway, my DS told me about the wedding alone and swore me to secrecy for a time. They then 'told'me and myDH together.They are getting married on their own. No one. Not even parents or his brother (the only sibling)

The GFs mother is unwell, (and has got a lot worse recently) and to cut a long story short, the GF says that if her mother can't go then nobody can. She wants a stag and hen do, although small, and after the honeymoon, they are going to have a dinner for us, a dinner for her parents, a party for her side and a party for his, (which they have offered to have at ours!)

Now, I understand it is their wedding, and it is up to them what they do. I have told my DS this, and I mean it. I would have loved to elope, myself, but surely weddings are a family celebration, too.

However, AIBU to:

1. Be really disappointed (I know I'm not really)
2. Think my son has manipulated me into being supportive by telling me first to give me time to process it.
3. Think they are being really cheeky wanting a party at our house (which I will have to sort out, no doubt) when we are not invited to the important bit.
4. Feel that they think we're not good enough to have a joint party with her family.
5. Wish they had just gone ahead and got married, and then told us afterwards.

I think I'm more upset than I let on, really, and I'm not really sure I can put my finger on why.

YANBU to be a bit dissapointed

But it is their wedding and if they want to elope that's up to them

If you don't want to host the party, tell them - it may have just been their way of involving you

That said I do think the 4 separate celebrations are odd - eloping I can understand but I am bit as to the need to keep everyone separate when they get back.

i'd be hurt and upset too. not sure what i'd do about being told they were having a party at my house! i think that's out of order tbh.

Well I started off reading your OP thinking, "their wedding, their choice". But by the end it strikes me they haven't really thought it through and I think YANBU for being upset.

It is the separate parties and dinners that puzzle me. Either they are having a wedding with no-one there or they are having a family do. They seem to be having two family 'do's! Surely a wedding is celebrating two families being joined so having separate parties seems decidely odd. Do your families not get on or something?

Yes I would be upset. Very upset. For a start why all the secrecy and why have 4 different parties.

Ok it's their wedding so it's their choice and of course it's tough on the gf having a sick mother but surely one celebration for all of you is better.

Can't you talk to her?

Honestly, I think everything after your first point can be attributed to that first point itself. I can completely understand being disappointed that they have chosen to go it alone, but the others could always be explained thus:

1. Your son wanted to confide in you because you're his mum and he thought you might be the most upset, so he wanted to give you a chance to process it before 'springing it on you' in company.

1. If they were having a normal small wedding and you were invited would you have been put out if they had wanted the reception at your house? Or pleased to be involved?

1. Have you met her family? Is it possible that she feels her family aren't good enough to have a joint party with you? Or that she's worried that a big party would be too much for her ill mum? Or that they cannot afford a venue which would house everyone, so they are doing it separately to accommodate everyone.

1. They could have done that, but they have chosen to go for an option which is potentially more emotionally fraught for them as well as you. It is a sign of respect that they trust you enough to support them before the event rather than presenting it as a done deal and you basically having to like it or lump it.

It must be hard for you, and I suspect most parents would love to play a role in their children's weddings, but if this is the hand you are being dealt then you will have to accept it with good grace, bite your tongue and vent on here.

Yes and sorry but I would be nipping this 'let's have the party at your house' bollocks. They sound a bit cheeky and entitled op.

They seem to want to keep us separate. My son thinks they're a bit rough, I don't care if they are or not. We're no better than anyone else. I'm not sure they aren't ashamed of us. (inferiority complex?)
the separate parties and stuff puzzle me, too, 5Foot
Cat, I would have been happier if they had eloped. That would at least have made sense

I will start by saying that I agree that your future DiL sounds like she has the potential to be hard work...and that being the case I really do think you have to watch your back because it is sadly only too likely that anything you say/do may be misinterpreted!

Having said that, I agree that you are not being remotely unreasonable to be disappointed, but vent vent vent to your DH but just smile and float through the rest of it.

The only other thing I would say is that point 3 might be loosely construed as taking the piss (on their part) although taking the charitable view, it could be that they thought you would be chuffed. But if you're not, and you think it would be a lot of hassle then PLEASE say no. Yes they can do what they like for their wedding and you can do what you like in your house. As for points 1,2 and 4, I think this may be your disappointment talking...I really doubt that there is any element of 'not good enough'.

FWIW I was in a VERY similar sort of situation a little while ago, in that my DiL's mother became terminally ill and the wedding was rushed through in weeks (though we were all invited) and I quickly realised that more than most weddings really, it was ALL about the bride's family and their heartbreak. Once I'd swallowed that it was actually very lovely.

My advice therefore is to relax, enjoy, don't overthink and as regards the party at your house, tell them where they can shove it

DoJo, thank you, that's exactly it.
I do understand about her mum, and we have always been supportive of their relationship. They have NO idea I feel like this, although I have told them I was disappointed.

Op sorry my last post might have been a bit harsh.

Look the gf mother is very ill so perhaps the gf is just floundering and needs a motherly shoulder to cry on. I would honestly talk to her and be open.

It's a great opportunity to build a brilliant bond she may need more of in the future if she looses her own mother.

I would be very upset not to be allowed to attend my own son's wedding. Very upset indeed.

I get the impression you don't really like the gf - in what way is she manipulative? Do you think she is manipulating you over the wedding? Can her mother really not attend?

The separate parties sounds a complete headache and not a good 'replacement' for attending the service.

Yanbu op, how disappointing. I do understand that you can invite whoever you want for your wedding, but parents and siblings are just not anyone! How hurtful infact.
Given her mum is quite ill, how wonderful to include everyone. As much as the day is about the bridal couple, sharing that with the most important people in your life just makes it so much more special.

You sound lovely by the way. I am sure they haven't set out to hurt anyone either. Kids do get things wrong don't they. I
Look back and cringe at the things I did in my twenties all with the best if intentions.

Happy I don't want to give them any more hassle than they already have. I just want them to be able to enjoy their wedding and their life (i know that sounds a bit wanky) She and I get on fine. I even went with her to the doctors in the early days, as she didn't want to tell her parents what was going on with her and DS!). She is having a bad time of it with her parents and their needs. i think i just needed to vent a bit.

Has your son had any say at all?

It's sad about her mum, but to deny everyone else the chance to see them marry?

As for the two dinners & two parties, I'd question that tbh.

Surely at least the parents could have dinner together??

And I'd tell them to sort out their own bloody parties!

It would be interesting to know what her parents feel about it too op.

It would be interesting to know what her parents feel about it too op.

Greyhound, I meant that she tends to be the one who makes most of the decisions. I just don't want them to regret their choice....it should be the only wedding they have, after all. Also, even if mum dies, they still won't want us there, which is hard to take, if i'm honest.

we're told the parents are 'relieved.' The mum really can't attend, and if she doesn't, then neither will the dad. DS sees his role as making DIL happy and lifting her stress, which is fine by me.

It doesn't sound wanky at all it sounds absolutely fine. Is there any chance they will change their minds?

but surely weddings are a family celebration, too

Honestly - not if they don't want it to be. I have family reasons for not wanting a "wedding". I refuse to "do the right thing" just to keep people happy. What is the point in having a wedding that I would resent?

Tough one for me actually, my MIL was devastated that DH and I wanted to marry alone. It caused quite a few arguments and was very stressful for all of us but it was what we wanted. We didn't have a party, just a meal for immediate family (parents and siblings) the night before we flew to our wedding/honeymoon destination. I understand it has hurt you but it is their day. That said, it's fecking cheeky to assume that they can use your house!

Oh and DH is so p*ed off, he won't even talk about it with me. I think I need to keep myself busy and stop thinking about it. I know its not about me really.... it just feels like a snub.

Oh ok just seen your last post. It's difficult as your son is obviously being a great guy and supporting his fiancée. You have done a good job with him op so hope that's some consolation.

you're right, I know its their day. I do. And I am happy for them, really, but I can't say any of this in real life, as i will look like a horrible mum, when they need support, not hassle.