Family Wedding Snub?

[EmptyNestAgain]

Bit long, sorry. Also, not posted a thread before, so please be kind.

My DS1 and his GF have been together several years and are now getting married, which we are really happy about. She's lovely -if a bit manipulative-

Anyway, my DS told me about the wedding alone and swore me to secrecy for a time. They then 'told'me and myDH together.They are getting married on their own. No one. Not even parents or his brother (the only sibling)

The GFs mother is unwell, (and has got a lot worse recently) and to cut a long story short, the GF says that if her mother can't go then nobody can. She wants a stag and hen do, although small, and after the honeymoon, they are going to have a dinner for us, a dinner for her parents, a party for her side and a party for his, (which they have offered to have at ours!)

Now, I understand it is their wedding, and it is up to them what they do. I have told my DS this, and I mean it. I would have loved to elope, myself, but surely weddings are a family celebration, too.

However, AIBU to:

1. Be really disappointed (I know I'm not really)
2. Think my son has manipulated me into being supportive by telling me first to give me time to process it.
3. Think they are being really cheeky wanting a party at our house (which I will have to sort out, no doubt) when we are not invited to the important bit.
4. Feel that they think we're not good enough to have a joint party with her family.
5. Wish they had just gone ahead and got married, and then told us afterwards.

I think I'm more upset than I let on, really, and I'm not really sure I can put my finger on why.

It's not a snub because it isn't about you. I want to be married for the legal side. I don't want to have a wedding. If I could do it on the internet that would be ideal. I really, really do not want anyone there. That is no reflection on anyone else - it is about DP and me, and a reflection of the tiny, miniscule importance (to us) of any kind of wedding ceremony.

Honestly - we would feel like utter nobbers standing in front of anyone we knew saying soppy things.

See it's difficult. When I got married we had a big family do (25 years ago) and a close friend decided to elope instead.

Her parents were very upset and I remember thinking how daft they were, even selfish as their wedding their day.

Fast forward now to 2 grown up children and 2 teens I
Would be very hurt if any of them did that.

You do change.

I don't know why, if you understand the heartbreak of one mum being unable to attend the wedding for whatever reason, you would impose that upset on another mother (the OP)? I get that thier heads are all over the place but would it be worth pointing that out? The whole thing is contradictory IMO.

Maybe highlight that if DS and GF have children that they would likely be heartbroken to be kept out/ separate from it.

I don't like the 'my wedding everyone else can lump it' mentality, (toxic families excluded) it just leaves a bad taste.

Party at yours seems like a crass attempt at softening the blow.

You cant be a horrible mum, your DS is supporting his future wife when the going is tough. I bet you are proud as punch. The dust settled with my MIL really quickly and we are firm buddies again. Once she saw how happy we were (and we had a special album and video made up for them) all was forgiven.

My mum and dad turned up at my gran and granpa's one day and announced they'd got married. Their only child had left them out and it was devastating for my grandparents. It was the reason that I had a wedding but wish I'd just taken my gran and eloped.

Primal if that's what they feel, its fine, but it doesn't seem to be it. They want the trappings,and the big celebration with everyone.....(three parties, two dinners) but not the important bit

You are clearly not a horrible mother op.

Thanks happy and q

Yanbu to be dissapointed but I can see their point of view. I'm sure they have not done it to upset anyone and it certainly doesn't strike me that they are 'snubbing' anyone. They have been honest about what they are doing. I don't know your son but I would have thought they told you first to help you get used to it rather than because they were being manipulative.

I think it is completely up to you whether or not you host the party. If you do decide to host it I think it's important that you discuss and agree everything beforehand. It would be silly and unfair of you to go ahead but be silently annoyed by it. It's your choice either do it or don't do it.

If I were you I would try and get over the dissapointment and try and embrace their choice. . Easier said than done but feeling upset or angry about it isn't going to help.

Perhaps, if you wanted, you could host the party as their wedding present. You could then make it a lovely 'simple' happy family celebration without all the fuss of a traditional wedding.

I really do understand your dissapointment but it is up to them what they want to do. Hopefully, everything will fall into place and you will get used to the idea.

And yes, I am proud of him. He is doing the best he can in a difficult situation. as isDiL.

I read your first post thinking it was quite reasonable of them- everyone gets a 'do'- till I got to the party-at-yours thingy,then I was a bit

mind you, we're planning to do exactly the same

(slightly different though in that both DP's parents are dead- also we're v old, we've been together for THIS WHOLE CENTURY so it's not really a big white frock and top hats do)

That's a good idea, Banjo hadn't thought of that. Provided I can calm DH down enough to talk about it.

So will the mum be invited to the dinner & party for "her side"?
Or is she not well enough for that?

Is there really no way they could take vows in her presence?

If it were my mum she'd be mortified at no family or friends seeing the vows being taken because of her.

Sorry about my crap English

No, she's really not well enough at all. diddl I'm not sure she'll even make it tbh.
As far as the vows go, we suggested Skype, ceremony at they house, our house, all sorts. DiL says she wants it to be her day, and if she was worried about her mum all the time, she wouldn't enjoy it. Which is fair enough.

Iknowthings: I don't like the 'my wedding everyone else can lump it' mentality, (toxic families excluded) it just leaves a bad taste.

Would you rather people had a ceremony that made them feel embarrassed and uncomfortable? Does it leave less of a bad taste if family guilt-trip them into something they don't want?

Id not be too bothered about them marrying alone, it is for them, after all, but I would take umbridge at being expected to host a party for them in my home (rather than being able to suggest it first).

Maybe just say that you dont think it appropriate for tgem to expect you to throw a party for them in your home when you wont even get a chance to meet and mix with thw Brides family. Id suggest offering to take the B&G, her mum and the two of you out to dinner one night after the wedding to celebrate.

but not the important bit

The important bit to you.

yes, Primal the important bit to me, our family and them.

I can understand how you feel, especially after the bombshell of wanting you to host one of their many after wedding get togethers! (Btw I'd decline this honour graciously . Just say "I don't think I can do that" and ketcyh work out what you might mean...)

But keep the hurt about the marrying alone business to yourself. I say this bcos my parents had to elope due to huge opposition from my GF, bcos my Dad wasn't British. It wasn't exactly a happy wedding day for my mum.

If DIL to be wanted her family there she would find a way. It sounds like she is using her mum as an excuse . And you are not going to win, so hold your peace and say nothing.

All those dinners and parties are peculiar tho! Why not one family meal and one big party?

Empty
I can understand how you feel, I can.
My DD has asked me how I'd feel if she and her DP were to elope. I honestly wouldn't really mind so long as we got to celebrate somehow. If they're happy, it suits me, but a little bit of me might be disappointed if I admitted it.

I get the sense, only from what you've said that your future DiL wants to keep the two sets of in laws quite separate and you know it may be she has genuine reasons for that, which don't have anything to do with your side.

Regardless of how you feel upset about the actual wedding, if I were you I'd throw myself into looking forward to the dinner and the party, have a fabulous time and start off life as a MiL in the best possible way. After all you have years of that relationship ahead of you and that's the most important part of all.

I think that is dreadful. If you want to have a small wedding, have one, but 4 parties is not small at all.

Is she going to do this forever, what if her mum can't see her have a baby, will you not be allowed to either? I understand she is very upset, but in that frame of mind maybe it is best to delay the wedding.

It partly doesn't make sense, does it?

Mum too ill to watch them exchange vows, might not even live until the wedding, but a stag, hen, dinners & parties are being planned!

So when they have the dinner for 'her side' at your house, are you expected to help get the place ready then disappear before the guests turn up? It all sounds a bit badly thought through tbh. I get the wedding bit (as much as I understand your reasons for feeling disappointed) but why not then just one party for everyone? Are they planning on having a 'wedding week' with party after party or maybe a 'wedding month' with one party a week? I'd be a bit sick of my wedding if I had to do that, as much as I enjoyed my day immensely!

I said 'wedding' way too much there.