Family Wedding Snub?

[EmptyNestAgain]

Bit long, sorry. Also, not posted a thread before, so please be kind.

My DS1 and his GF have been together several years and are now getting married, which we are really happy about. She's lovely -if a bit manipulative-

Anyway, my DS told me about the wedding alone and swore me to secrecy for a time. They then 'told'me and myDH together.They are getting married on their own. No one. Not even parents or his brother (the only sibling)

The GFs mother is unwell, (and has got a lot worse recently) and to cut a long story short, the GF says that if her mother can't go then nobody can. She wants a stag and hen do, although small, and after the honeymoon, they are going to have a dinner for us, a dinner for her parents, a party for her side and a party for his, (which they have offered to have at ours!)

Now, I understand it is their wedding, and it is up to them what they do. I have told my DS this, and I mean it. I would have loved to elope, myself, but surely weddings are a family celebration, too.

However, AIBU to:

1. Be really disappointed (I know I'm not really)
2. Think my son has manipulated me into being supportive by telling me first to give me time to process it.
3. Think they are being really cheeky wanting a party at our house (which I will have to sort out, no doubt) when we are not invited to the important bit.
4. Feel that they think we're not good enough to have a joint party with her family.
5. Wish they had just gone ahead and got married, and then told us afterwards.

I think I'm more upset than I let on, really, and I'm not really sure I can put my finger on why.

A

And the witnesses are?

The only bit of this I find odd is the separate parties afterwards. We didn't invite anyone to our wedding, and didn't actually get around to telling anyone for months afterwards. I'm sure our parents were disappointed, but I preferred that to organising and paying for something I didn't want, purely for someone else.

And - while obviously you know the circumstances better than a bunch of strangers on the Internet - I continually see parents who are not happy with the decisions of their adult son and his girlfriend/fiancée /wife ascribe those decision to solely or primarily to the girlfriend/wife, not their son.

My MIL thinks I was behind the decision not to have a big wedding, not her son, and my aunt and uncle, horrified at their son and his fiancée not having a church wedding, keep saying that the fiancée 'made him do it', when in fact their son is just as uninterested in religion as his now wife.

It seems to be easier to blame the non-blood relative for anything you don't like.

mrstiggy, only the party for 'our' side is expected at my house. don't know what they're doing for hers. I suspect they haven't really thought it through that far.
ann I think that's what Ive been feeling, except we won't be invited even if she is no longer around.
nostress they are (now, after I convinced them) going to have photos. the photographer and assistant are the witnesses.

Burren, I am not solely blaming her. DS has a tongue in his head and could disagree. And, although disappointed, I am ok about them not inviting anyone, but I don't understand them wanting the trappings, either.

Well I guess wanting to take vows with just a couple of witnesses there doesn't preclude you from wanting a party afterwards.

" DiL says she wants it to be her day, and if she was worried about her mum all the time, she wouldn't enjoy it. "

I don't understand that.

If her mum is that ill, won't she be worried anyway?
Or if she goes to the vows it might make her ill whilst there?

If it makes you feel any better, I went to HUGE lengths to keep my mother and my mother-in-law apart. It wasn't that I felt anyone wasn't "good enough" - it's just that I knew they would not get on. Poor DH, who really is the most generous of souls kept trying to organise "lovely get-togethers" so they would meet up and I just kept inventing reasons why it couldn't happen. Eventually, they did meet, and I overheard MIL telling DH that my mother was "ghastly" - I was distraught (even though I knew she would feel that way and my mother felt the same way about her!).
I hope you are able to sort this out - it sounds miserable for you - and however much you can come to terms with the fact that it's their wedding, I can understand your disappointment.

YANBU at all I would be gutted if ds did this.
Like you say, if they wanted no fuss, and to be alone they should have just done it and told you all afterwards - this way it's like they are asking to to say how lovely it is, when really it's not.
Don't understand the 4 sep. parties either.

The exclusive wedding ceremony I can understand, on the no-fuss principle, but not then going on to hold four separate parties; do they not even have joint friends? Why do they not want their friends and family to meet?
Whatever you do or say I suspect you will immediately be classed as the Mother in Law from Hell, so if you can, say nothing at all, even to your son, who, I am sorry to say, comes over as rather weak.

If my DM was that ill I would either rush it so she could be involved or delay it until she was better or passed. When DM was terminal are lives where on hold, no parties, holidays, breaks etc. It does seem strange.

I would love to elope. My family have been forewarned.

My first thought regarding the separate parties thing - is it possible this is due to her mother's poor health? Maybe she can't tolerate seeing non family members or noisy environments?

EmptyNestAgain Fri 27-Jun-14 17:21:03
Primal if that's what they feel, its fine, but it doesn't seem to be it. They want the trappings,and the big celebration with everyone.....(three parties, two dinners) but not the important bit

EmptyNestAgain Fri 27-Jun-14 17:38:43
yes, Primal the important bit to me, our family and them.

I think you are contradicting yourself.

If my MIL2B was slagging me off on the internet and making my personal issues all about her, then I would be raging.

Whenever I say that I want to go away to get married, I always get asked if we'd be having a huge party afterwards. (We wouldn't, but everyone expects it.)

Yes, and what happens to the wedding or any of the parties, for that matter, if DIL's mum is ill on the day?

Well, same here Thomyorke - it seems as if they've known of the wedding plan for a while so if she wanted her Mum there then why not bring it forwards, or, otherwise, wait until next year. Does seem odd the way they are doing it.

Yes, and what happens to the wedding or any of the parties, for that matter, if DIL's mum is ill on the day?

Her mother isn't attending the wedding, is she? Did I read the OP wrong?

As for the party, presumably that would be cancelled or rescheduled if her mother is ill?

It sounds as though her mum is seriously ill. If this is the case then yes, I think UABU.

She must be distraught. You should support them in however they choose to get married, and you should lighten up about hosting a party for the
them. I imagine most mum's would love to throw a wedding party for their son.

fthe

primal fair point re contradiction. I'm probably a bit . But I'm not slagging her off at all! Read the thread. I've been very careful not to, cos she's lovely.

pumpkin I meant that they'd maybe have to cancel and it would still not be about the DIL.

YANBU to be disappointed, but it really is up to them how and when they get married. Whether you think their reasons are sensible or not is really irrelevant, although I can understand her feeling that if her mother can't come, she'd rather have it alone.

As regards to the separate parties, it is a bit odd- but perhaps she feels her mother couldn't cope with a bigger get-together?

Perhaps they thought having the party at yours would be a way to soften the blow of not coming to the wedding, but involving you in something? I agree not exactly the most tactful way of doing things, but probably not done with malicious intentions.

If you don't want to host the party at yours, you really need to say so rather than sit and seethe.

You did say she was manipulative.

Wow, what a mess.

How soon is all of this scheduled to happen? In your shoes I would be trying to convince them to postpone for at least six months.

I can see how you could take this as a snub.

But it's not. There is no point looking for any offence here. It so obviously isn't meant. I think they are trying (slightly ham-fistedly) to keep everyone happy.

Her mother won't be able to attend the wedding so they are eloping - sounds incredibly reasonable.

When they come back they want every one to celebrate and for you to feel involved in that (although of course decline if you don't want a party in your house).

Although four parties sounds quite excessive I think I can see the appeal - small parties tend to be lower key and each individual group of friends/family can be really focused.

I had a biggish wedding and on my wedding night I was so -drunkenly maudlin sad as everyone I loved was nearby and I had spent hardly anytime talking to them all. I would have much preferred to get more time with everyone.

I did something very similar. My dm was unwell and would not have been able to attend a wedding. As a consequence of her illness, she would have severe fits, and worrying about the possibility of having fits in public with people (even close family) looking on made her anxious and stressed which made the fitting more likely

There was no option for the ceremony which would worked (unless it was just dh and I getting married in my dm's house with her and df and witnesses - but I guess that would be more upsetting to the OP!! (and also to her ds)). Even with just the closest of family (parents and siblings) it would have been 15 people and there is no way dm would have coped with that. If we had done that, then the whole day for me and my siblings and my df would have been shaped around looking after my Mum, anxious that she might have a stress-induced fit and not even make it to the ceremony.

And, yes, selfishly on my wedding day, I wanted the event to be about me and him. It was glorious, intimate, personal, and it was about US. Our families are very important to us, I love dmil & dfil, and dsiblingsi-in-law but we were trying to make the best decision in some difficult circumstances. My dm was delighted that we'd got married, and when she died I was really glad that we had done it (and not at all guilty that we had not had a wedding where she had been there). And we were all sad that her health problems had such an impact on her life, and on the decisions we had to make.

There was no way that I would have had a wedding with other guests and not have my dm & df there (df was her carer and would not have left her on her own).

My dm's illness meant that any social occasions were difficult for her (and for other people) and so like the OPs ds, we didn't have a combined family party. Instead we had a series of lovely and intimate mini-celebrations with close friends and family, and then a bit of an impromptu bash with our wider circle of friends.

I was never the kind of person to have a huge fussy wedding, but I guess in an ideal world I'd have had something lovely with about 40 really close friends and family. So when people call me selfish for 'eloping' I have to bite my tongue a bit. The wedding we did have was lovely, but I too missed out on the wedding I might have wanted. I would have loved my df to walk me down the aisle, but that could only have happened if I'd waited until after my dm died.

Mostly it was my friends and some family who wanted us to have the parties afterwards - not us seeking our days of glory, or wanting presents. Our family and friends just wanted to be part of the general celebrations and to wish us all the best. And I had a surprise hen night when 4 friends wanted to show their support for me, when I was going though a difficult time.

I was also really glad that I hadn't eloped without telling people. Although we were sad that the circumstances meant we were not with all or family, I felt very supported by knowing that they were thinking about us at the time of our marriage, and toasting our health. We also had a very personal ceremony, and I printed copies for dm, dmil, and dsis, so they knew what we would be saying.

OP, I do really understand your disappointment, and upset. I am sure that my dmil felt similar, but the best thing that she and others did was to accept our (difficult) decisions and celebrate with us wholeheartedly.

I think how you act now will have a big impact on your future relationship with your son and DIL, as well as future grandchildren.

It is entirely up to them what they want to do regarding their own wedding. I wouldn't say anything more to them about it.

If you feel you can host a party for them graciously then I would do that if at all possible as it would be a nice thing to do for them. Obviously if you don't want to, then don't. The bride and groom may have very good reasons for wanting to keep everyone separate.

Voicing your opinion on the rest of it could only sour things between you all. Also, do remember that your son is equally responsible for this - don't put all the blame at your DIL's door.

Just a point - they aren't eloping.

There is no secrecy; they aren't coming back with 'Surprise! Guess what we just did!!'

They are planning a hen do, a stag do, two meals, two parties and a wedding.

It's just that no-one's invited to the wedding part. Bit much imo!

And OP - I'd be upset too!

I also think you have to think about the long term. Your future dil is facing 2 massive life events - the (possible?) death of her dm, and getting married.

In ten years time, the finer details of what party everyone was invited to to celebrate the wedding will all be water under the bridge, but how supported she felt by your family at this difficult time will still matter and colour you relationship with her.

Surely she's trying to control what she can, when so much in life (and death) we can't control?

Venus and mars' eloquent post above may explain a lot of your dil's thoughts.

I appreciate that you're being outwardly supportive, but can you make it wholehearted? I'm sure your ds and dil will feel the difference.