Family Wedding Snub?

[EmptyNestAgain]

Bit long, sorry. Also, not posted a thread before, so please be kind.

My DS1 and his GF have been together several years and are now getting married, which we are really happy about. She's lovely -if a bit manipulative-

Anyway, my DS told me about the wedding alone and swore me to secrecy for a time. They then 'told'me and myDH together.They are getting married on their own. No one. Not even parents or his brother (the only sibling)

The GFs mother is unwell, (and has got a lot worse recently) and to cut a long story short, the GF says that if her mother can't go then nobody can. She wants a stag and hen do, although small, and after the honeymoon, they are going to have a dinner for us, a dinner for her parents, a party for her side and a party for his, (which they have offered to have at ours!)

Now, I understand it is their wedding, and it is up to them what they do. I have told my DS this, and I mean it. I would have loved to elope, myself, but surely weddings are a family celebration, too.

However, AIBU to:

1. Be really disappointed (I know I'm not really)
2. Think my son has manipulated me into being supportive by telling me first to give me time to process it.
3. Think they are being really cheeky wanting a party at our house (which I will have to sort out, no doubt) when we are not invited to the important bit.
4. Feel that they think we're not good enough to have a joint party with her family.
5. Wish they had just gone ahead and got married, and then told us afterwards.

I think I'm more upset than I let on, really, and I'm not really sure I can put my finger on why.

I'd be as disappointed as you, but I can completely see it from DIL's point of view. The day is going to be bittersweet for her anyway but to have a proper wedding with her mum missing would be devastating.

Re the separate family parties, it does seem strange at first glance but think about it...her side of the family are going to be understandably somber but she may be able to have a more lighthearted celebration at your house. I think she is probably very aware that the party for her side of the family will not be much of a party at all. Maybe she knows her family would struggle if asked to socialise because of her mothers situation. Either way, I don't think she is being selfish or manipulative.

For what it's worth, I think your son sounds great, I'm sure he would rather have you there but he is supporting his wife to be through an incredibly difficult time, that's what marriage is about after all. I have much higher hopes for them than couples who obsess about the big day and don't give much thought to all that marriage means.

And it may well be that your dil's situation is very different from mine, but I thought Id share my (rather long) experience because what many posters were suggesting just wouldn't have worked for us.

venus thank you for that. It must have been awful for you.
I have to say that I love my soon to be DiL. She has had a really difficult time. as has DS.
I would never give them a hard time about the decision they have made...I just needed to vent.
Thanks, MNetters.....I feel much better now.

I will be hosting the party for them, if they want it. They are my children, and I would do anything for them.
Sometimes, though, it s good to vent.

Thanks, fishlegs

Just to say , I am really proud of the way they have handled a difficult situation. I'm just a bit.... Disappointed.

EmptyNest. I'm glad you feel better. You sound like you have handled this really well.

I hope everything goes fantastically.

Your love for them shines through, they are very lucky. It's ok to be disappointed though.

Emptynest you are a star and I hope your dil knows how lucky she is

Isn't it great to have a place like this to vent x

venus oh yes. Don't know what I'd do without it. Saves so much agro in RL!