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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU and if so, what would you have done (if anything) - baby on the bus

113 replies

ChrissyKochanski · 26/06/2014 19:14

I am genuinely interested as I acted out of impulse and adrenaline. I would also like to say I am the least confrontational person in the world so what happened is very unusual for me.

I got on a bus after work and a toddler, perhaps 18mo to 2yrs, was in a pram in the pram space. His mother was sat in the first two seats in front of the pram and the baby was facing her. When I got on, the boy was crying. The mother had big headphones on and wasn't looking at the baby and generally ignoring him. 5 minutes into my journey and the toddler was still crying but the distressed thrashing, face going red, struggling to breath, going to be sick crying. The mother opposite him had not acknowledged him, talked to him, touched him, tried to calm him down, nothingSad . I even wondered if she was with him.

A woman sat behind the mother tapped the mother on the shoulder and asked if he was her baby. The mother said he was and do the woman said "he looks a bit distressed to me". The mother just said "well he's tired" and that was that. The mother went back to ignoring himSad. The woman behind the mother kept muttering and saying it wasn't right.

Another 5 mins later and the bout is thrashing around bent double over in his pram, still crying and struggling to breath. I admit I got angry and upset at seeing him so got up and said to the mother that I didn't want to sound accusatory but I had been on the bus for 10 minutes and had not seen her interact with her son once and he was now struggling to breathe. Her response was that if she picks him up he headbutts herShock. I said my daughter used to do that but children still need interaction.

Then the bus driver turns round and says "could everyone (meaning me) sit down. He'll be off the bus soon, he's been to the hospital and is teething and has a cold. I can raise my own soon without any help but I'm driving you people home". The woman behind the mother shouts to him asking why the mother can't look after him.

I sat down then and luckily got off at the next stop. I realise the mother may have had a hard day, she could have PNDSad but all I could see is the poor boy screaming and looking round for anyone. She said not one word to him the entire time.

Was I being a busy body and should have kept my nose out?

I would like to point out that the direction the bus came from was not from the hospital. Also I'm really angry at the father/bus driver's insinuation that we were upset about the crying as I would hate for anyone to think that. We've all been there.

What would you have done?

OP posts:
VampyreofTimeandMemory · 26/06/2014 21:08

elle no-one is sure - it just suits better the posters who like to get their 'YABU!!!' in there.

Nanny0gg · 26/06/2014 21:08

OH for fuck's sake, of course you did the right thing, why was she being a knob and wearing headphones? going out of her WAY to ignore her child? 'there there' responses are appropriate for parents who are struggling when their kids are being difficult but not for those who just CBFA.

This^^.

pianodoodle · 26/06/2014 21:09

and you can be pretty damn sure that if you were the mother posting 'aibu to ignore my screaming child and just listen to music on the bus?' you would also have been told that you were.

I wouldn't. I'd have asked what they were listening to.

BiscuitMillionaire · 26/06/2014 21:13

What if the baby was hungry, thirsty or in pain? Then the mother was still OK to completely ignore him?

Maybe it was a competent parent ignoring a tantrumming baby (under 2 years, the OP said). Or maybe it was a neglectful and abusive parent ignoring a baby for selfish reasons.

The fact that the other woman on the bus also tried to intervene suggests to me it was the latter.

Looseleaf · 26/06/2014 21:14

I would have been upset by this too, and can see the viewpoint that the mother may have thought best to
ignore but to not engage once would bother me too. I would never have said anything but good on you for trying. And the w

RabbitSaysWoof · 26/06/2014 21:14

It means that the parent knows if the child is in a tantrum phase.
All tantrums look like crying to nosey passers by.

It's people like that who made me feel worried to take my son out while he was in hes tantruming stage, we got to a point where he would very rarely kick off at home and when he did it would last minutes, outside the house was another story completely, around a couple of particularly neurotic friends all he had to do was see them and he would dive to the floor in a display of convincing noisey tears because they would react every single time.

Looseleaf · 26/06/2014 21:15

Sorry- woman behind the mum replying to the driver like that suggests your reaction was very fair.

RabbitSaysWoof · 26/06/2014 21:16

The fact that the other woman on the bus also tried to intervene suggests to me it was the latter.

Because there were now 2 nosey strangers on the bus??

BiscuitMillionaire · 26/06/2014 21:16

And the bus driver said he was teething and had a cold. So not a tantrum then.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 26/06/2014 21:16

nah, it makes more sense that the two passengers whose instincts told them it was the latter, were actually wrong and the defensive bus driver and inattentive mother were right, clearly.

Notmadeofrib · 26/06/2014 21:17

Not everyone who ignores their child is doing so from a position of kindness or understanding. Unfortunately OP you'll never know what this was.
Hopefully if that childs life is generally shit, others that see him on a regular basis would offer such help too.

MrsCakesPremonition · 26/06/2014 21:17

I don't see how what the OP did was "the right thing". It didn't help the child. It didn't help the mother (or the father for that matter) and it didn't help the OP. It wasn't constructive, just critical.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 26/06/2014 21:18

My first son never had a tantrum. My second used to throw them as a matter of course. Every morning I dropped my eldest son at school, my youngest would throw himself on the ground outside the classroom refusing to move. I used to walk away, as engaging him made the tantrum last a lot longer and also used to make it worse.

I got a mix of parents telling me "I've been there, dont' worry it'll pass" and some who used to throw me filthy looks and attempt to pick him up speaking to him to make things better. It didn't and in fact just really pissed me off.

Unless you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes, you haven't got a clue what is going on in their lives.

A bus journey of 10 minutes is nothing. Children get over tired and do go into major tantrums. Making the mum feel totally shit about herself probably doesn't help the situation.

RabbitSaysWoof · 26/06/2014 21:18

The 2 people who know their child were not concerned.

The 2 that have never seen the kid before know better?

BiscuitMillionaire · 26/06/2014 21:21

It wasn't a 'kid', it was a BABY.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 26/06/2014 21:21

oh yeah, the parents... cos there are never any neglectful parents and people who show concern are always wrong...

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 26/06/2014 21:23

and fgs, he'd been to hospital? If your child had been to hospital would you not be even MORE comforting than usual?!

BiscuitMillionaire · 26/06/2014 21:23

If it was a tantrum, why did the bus driver say that the baby was teething and had a cold?

Joysmum · 26/06/2014 21:25

If the child was having a tantrum, I'd also ignore.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 26/06/2014 21:27

okay so let's forget the hypothetical tantrum. what about the possibility of pain/discomfort/panic?

was his mum still right to ignore?

MyFairyKing · 26/06/2014 21:27

Maybe they were shit parents, maybe not. You can't judge in that snapshot. Some small children are raging, tantruming balls of fire whom no comforting will help. This isn't a newborn.

RabbitSaysWoof · 26/06/2014 21:30

Statistically what would be the chances of a parent being abusive compared with a TODDLER (18 months is not a baby) having tantrums?

Serious question. Personally over half of the children I have known have been prone to tantrums. 0 of the parents I have known have abused or seriously neglected their children. Obviously there are some I don't know everyone in the world, but really?

It it such an out there suggestion that the parents are not responding to an unwanted behaviour and just wish the rest of the world would stop responding too.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 26/06/2014 21:31

the baby's dad said he'd been to hospital, was teething and had a cold. doesn't this sort of indicate a possibility of distress rather than a regular tantrum...

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 26/06/2014 21:34

and the parent doesn't have to be abusive to have been neglecting her son in those particular moments.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 26/06/2014 21:34

Maybe they'd been to hospital due to the behaviour he was exhibiting, and were told that there was nothing wrong and it was just tantrumming and the best thing would be to ignore.

Who knows? We can all guess at what is going on, but can't possibly know.

Instead of being accusatory, why not engage the mum in conversation if you are truly bothered by her behaviour. Find out what is going on with the child don't just judge on 10 minutes worth of observation.