WIBU and if so, what would you have done (if anything) - baby on the bus

[ChrissyKochanski]

I am genuinely interested as I acted out of impulse and adrenaline. I would also like to say I am the least confrontational person in the world so what happened is very unusual for me.

I got on a bus after work and a toddler, perhaps 18mo to 2yrs, was in a pram in the pram space. His mother was sat in the first two seats in front of the pram and the baby was facing her. When I got on, the boy was crying. The mother had big headphones on and wasn't looking at the baby and generally ignoring him. 5 minutes into my journey and the toddler was still crying but the distressed thrashing, face going red, struggling to breath, going to be sick crying. The mother opposite him had not acknowledged him, talked to him, touched him, tried to calm him down, nothing . I even wondered if she was with him.

A woman sat behind the mother tapped the mother on the shoulder and asked if he was her baby. The mother said he was and do the woman said "he looks a bit distressed to me". The mother just said "well he's tired" and that was that. The mother went back to ignoring him. The woman behind the mother kept muttering and saying it wasn't right.

Another 5 mins later and the bout is thrashing around bent double over in his pram, still crying and struggling to breath. I admit I got angry and upset at seeing him so got up and said to the mother that I didn't want to sound accusatory but I had been on the bus for 10 minutes and had not seen her interact with her son once and he was now struggling to breathe. Her response was that if she picks him up he headbutts her. I said my daughter used to do that but children still need interaction.

Then the bus driver turns round and says "could everyone (meaning me) sit down. He'll be off the bus soon, he's been to the hospital and is teething and has a cold. I can raise my own soon without any help but I'm driving you people home". The woman behind the mother shouts to him asking why the mother can't look after him.

I sat down then and luckily got off at the next stop. I realise the mother may have had a hard day, she could have PND but all I could see is the poor boy screaming and looking round for anyone. She said not one word to him the entire time.

Was I being a busy body and should have kept my nose out?

I would like to point out that the direction the bus came from was not from the hospital. Also I'm really angry at the father/bus driver's insinuation that we were upset about the crying as I would hate for anyone to think that. We've all been there.

What would you have done?

maybe she did if he was that loud I am sure she could still hear him

some children will throw the most terrible tantrums, ds has there is not much that can be done and tends to be far more upsetting for others to see that parents as it is probably not the first that day

have we forgotten what its like to deal with a toddler having a tantrum, that is making the assumption that everyone replying is a parent

I probably would have got him out of his buggy, not for his sake more because of what others may have thought which is stupid because at times you have to ignore for your own sanity

Well if I were on that bus I would have been jolly glad dad wasn't distracted or trying to calm
Him down or he could have crashed.

My dc2 used to lie in his pram and basically cry himself to sleep routinely. He hated cuddles to sleep and I would have told you to mind your business to be honest.

However I wouldn't have left him to do this on a bus for the reasons in the op. I would have waited to get home.

I think there's a difference between a toddler starting off crying then getting more and more distressed over the course of 10 minutes, and a toddler having a tantrum.

A tantrum is when they kick off over something innocuous and ramp it up straight away. There's no reasoning with them and often the only course of action is to ignore them.

This doesn't sound like that at all. It sounds like a child upset because both of its parents are ignoring it. In public, with a child that young, I'd at least make an effort to look like I gave a shit if I were his parent.

I'd have done the same as you OP.

To add, both my children are tantrummers. In that situation I would have explained they were best left ignored to the passengers so they didn't worry.

Elle sometimes ignoring crying isn't punishing the child it's knowing how best to react to your child's needs.

I think you acted impulsively but with a kind heart.

However, you (and everyone else on here) hasno idea what their family situation was / what strategies they were employing / what the background was to the incident. For all you know, the child may have just intentionally taken a shit in the mother's hand bag!

I think chastising and/or interfering is taking things a step too far but a quiet word with the mother would have been okay in my eyes.

A quiet word with the mother?

She had huge headphones on!

But presumably his parents knew whether he was having a tantrum or not and are much better placed to work it out than a stranger on a bus.

But presumably his parents knew whether he was having a tantrum or not and are much better placed to work it out than a stranger on a bus.

I know I acted impulsively and probably shouldn't have done, but it honestly was out of concern. It didn't seem to me to be a tantrum but then as you all say I don't know the child or the family situation.

In future maybe I should just keep my nose out but I just couldn't bear to see the child like that.

I didn't say there was anything wrong with the bus driver being the father. It just surprised me.

I would get a car. Mind your own business, maybe she was trying out controlled crying or something, Maybe the kid had been doing her head in all day with or without PND - we have all been there. It could well be a tantrum but you don't know, its not your child and you were in its company for all of 10 mins. Maybe the kid was teething - jesus theres a torn faced kid if ever I saw one!

Controlled crying on public transport?!!!!

My little boy was like that as a baby. He would scream inconsolably and there was NOTHING I could do. Hugs,dummy,food would all be rejected - he didnt even want to ve touched when he got into a state. Also once out of the buggy he was extremely hard to get back in so I wouldn't have dared take him out if I was on the bus as I wouldn't have been able to get off holding wiggling screaming tot and big heavy buggy. It's horrible when you know everyone is looking at you and you just want to shout at the that there's nothing you can do!

If you actually said what you wrote there, then you were being a busybody. The whole "I'm not being X but..." is usually being a precursor to being PRECISELY what you just claimed not to be.

A child having a melt down is often best ignored,and the parents still have to get home. You would have been better off asking mum if everything was okay.

I absolutely hate seeing this sort of thing. It is not a question of judging the parents, more a question of hating to see a distressed child being ignored! If they are having a genuine tantrum then you'll soon find out if any interaction does not seem to help. But to not even try to interact in the first place ... it is sad and horrible to witness.

My DC used to scream blue murder on the bus on the way home from the child minders sometimes. They were best ignored. Once or twice in the 4 years someone tried to interfere, and just made the situation a lot worse, as well as making me very angry.

Children cry. If you travel on public transport you are going to travel with the public, and that includes children and that includes crying.

He wasn't struggling to breathe!!!! I can 99.9% guarantee it.

YWB vvvvv U

totally ridiculous, unfair, interfering, judgy, ignorant and down right wrong, in my opinion, since you ask.

and if you are asking what I would have done; what I have always done in such situations, smiled at the mum and mouthed, "don't worry, we have all been there"

OH for fuck's sake, of course you did the right thing, why was she being a knob and wearing headphones? going out of her WAY to ignore her child? 'there there' responses are appropriate for parents who are struggling when their kids are being difficult but not for those who just CBFA.

and you can be pretty damn sure that if you were the mother posting 'aibu to ignore my screaming child and just listen to music on the bus?' you would also have been told that you were.

I think head phones might have been a policy of last resort, Vampyre. I think sticking a whopping big oar in and stirring round in an obviously upsetting situation was the worst possible thing to do, for the mother, and more importantly, for the child.

so now, the child, already tantruming, already finding it hard to learn that his tantrums will not benefit him, which his parents are most likely working hard to instil, has now seen his mother undermined, and treated with hostility.

How unsettling for him. How undermining for his mother.

What a ridiculous and spiteful thing to do.

I'm in the mind your own business camp.
Only I wouldn't of put it so politely if you were giving my child's tantrum attention or telling me to.

Parent do know their children.

parents do know their children.

which means what, that no parent is ever doing it 'wrong'?

Again, how are people so sure he was tantrumming? He might have been upset/in pain/unsettled from being at the hospital?

said to the mother that I didn't want to sound accusatory but I had been on the bus for 10 minutes and had not seen her interact with her son once and he was now struggling to breathe. Her response was that if she picks him up he headbutts her. I said my daughter used to do that but children still need interaction.

She gave you the reason (she didn't have to) and you still went on at her?

I think YWBU sorry. She knows her own child.

The woman behind was an ignorant mare.