to hate mother and baby groups?

[Torfhinn]

I'm a first time mother with a beautiful 9 week old son. I have lost a very active and busy life and hate being stuck at home. I have been trying to 'put myself out there' to make some mum friends by going to different groups and meet-ups. So far I have found that I have superficial chats with some mums, have nothing in common with most except for babies (how long can we talk about babies for...?), they already have a groups of mum friends and are a bit clique-y, or are just plain unfriendly. I really can't be bothered to keep charming people in order to make friends, but if I don't I risk being very lonely. Should I put more effort in or give up and be content to hang out with my son and do stuff on our own?

OP, and others looking for a meet-up, why not try MN local pages? At the top right of the page here you can click ''find your local MN''.

A couple of years ago i tried really hard to drum up a bit of enthusiasm for the local meet-up groups on MN. So many posters said 'yes, i'm lonely and would love a coffee and chin wag local to me'. But we were all spread out and no one was responding on our local pages.

You can join/start a group meet up near to you or post on your local 'friendship bench'.

I've just checked my 2 or 3 local area pages and, as usual, it's totally empty :(

Hi OP - I did not do NCT as the thought horrified me.... But I got talked into going to a thing at the Sure Start/Children's Centre after DS was born.

Baby Camp - a 6 week course covering things like sleep, developmental milestones, weaning etc. The girls I met there have been a godsend. The course finished months ago but we all still meet up on the same day to do things. In fact we're meeting up tomorrow to have afternoon tea at a local pub!

Stick with it.... It's not easy - I've had to grin and bare it a couple of times but if I can find some lovely friends then you can!

They've been a godsend for me since I had DS. I've found that classes are easier than groups as they tend to be the same little group for block of classes. I did baby massage and as it was just the 8 of us on a six week course we made friends.
I think you might just have been unlucky and perhaps expecting too much too soon??
I also found that you need actually sort out a meeting up rather than just have a vague plan to do so. It's easy just to keep saying "we'll all have to meet up sometime" but better to say "let's do x,y,z on Monday".
The baby talk does stop (to a certain extent!) when you all get to know each other better-It's just that they're the only thing you all have in common at first meeting

Swimming was definitely my favourite :) win-win for us both.

I agree with the Sure start comment- they are fantastic.

I loathe baby groups. The only good thing to cone out of them for me was that I quickly became excluded by a clique of dipshits and then the ringleader for excluded too. Strangely we found that we were quite similar and have become friends. Other than that I despise groups.

I chatted with a woman I took to in the library with DCs a few weeks ago though. Must go back there some time.

Personally I hated classes, particularly Rhythm Time with its shrill, schoolmarm franchisee. All feels like such a money spinner at the expense of new mums eager to give their children the best opportunities but actually unnecessary.

I agree KeepCalm. And most of those organised groups are hideously expensive for not a great deal (a 45 min class) and often the baby -child doesn't really want to be there!)

I preferred the just sit round and chat ones to the "educational" ones I must admit.

It's hard when your baby is tiny. Where I live there is a free hospital run group which is only for babies under 12 months. It covers a different topic each week, from baby massage to weaning to dental hygiene.

At first I felt so awkward, I had a tiny 2 week old and all the other babies were 9 months plus. The other women tried to include me but our babies were so far apart it was hard. However, I stuck with it knowing other people may not want to come out so early. After a couple of months the mum's with the older babies drifted off and people started coming with babies of a similar age to mine. These women have been a godsend, but it took time for us to get to know each other. I do worry that we may seem cliquey to people now joining with tiny babies again, but hopefully they will get to know each other better as they share the same experiences at the same time.

I did go to a group where I felt a bit excluded as the newcomer and I know no one meant to so I just tailed off going there. Keep trying places, but I definitely found it better to go to one where the babies were similar age to mine.

I was a bit luckier than you OP in that I did meet some nice people quite early on. But some groups are friendlier than others, I still went to the ones that didn't have any kindred spirits in due to the fact that I needed to get out of the house.

Yanbu I tried a couple of group things but pretty awful!!

I've been going to the same toddler group every Monday with DD for six months and no one has talked to me (properly) the whole time. At the start I tried to make the effort but got nothing back. However, it's a good group in that the space is nice and the toys are good. DD loves it, so I keep going. Only now I sit on my own for an hour with a cup of tea and let her race around. I fucking love it. :o

OP YANBU by the way.

I struggled with mother and toddler groups initially but then I realised that it was me who was the problem, not the group. Because of my job I have very few university educated friends and suddenly I was meeting lots of people who hadn't been to university. I am also crap at small talk. I just sat back and let them chat then joined in occasionally. I also only go to one group a week. A year on and I've made a few good friends.

I loved them, I made a friend at antenatal class and we went along to bumps and babies, and chatted for hours about babies, I'm still good friends with about 3 of the mums and acquaintances with several others. Everyone was very welcoming but we are up north where people tend to just chat to people more anyway - I love a good chat - whatever the excuse! Second time wasn't as good, as they were all first timers in the group I went to and would meet 30minutes before I had to pick up my PFB from nursery session so I never got to be friends with them, but I did do some music groups etc. mind you I did like talking babies (obsessive first time mum) and it was best to do it in these groups than to childless friends, and there were a few second time mums who shared experiences! I do now find baby talk quite dull as it's all so far behind me, but those groups saved my sanity at the time. I appreciate it's not for all, but they really helped me as I knew no one else where we lived at the time.

I really like mummy and toddler groups. I agree some can be very cliquey but its important to try many and find one you feel most comfortable with.

Luckily, I live in a area with lots of children's centres so there are plenty of sessions free and within walking distance. I tried lots as I was looking for friends too, and I found that I just didn't click with a lot of then women there, it was all a bit plastic. There was one group in particular that I perserveered with because the lady that ran it was so lovley, I was going for a few months and there would be some mums that were regulars and some others pop in, we'd all have a really good chat and then they'd never come back. I kept going in the hope i'd see some of them again

It then started to be regular mums. After posting something similar on MN I wanted to try so I kept telling myself that I'd just say 'we should all have coffee afterwards one day!?' in a very casual, I dont really care what the answer is' way but deep down I was desperate for them to say yes but I kept chickening out.

One of the mums I got really friendly with, told me she was heading back to work in a couple of weeks so they wouldn't be attending anymore classes, I took this as my opportunity. I said we should all go for cake or something next week, and to my surprise 4 of the mums looked over the moon and said they were waiting for someone to ask they were a bit shy!

We went and it was a bit awkward at first without being distracted by toys and babies, but over time it became more comfortable and not only about the babies! We meet once a week when we can and so its nice to have company going to the park or for a walk.

So I say give it time, you don't just make friends straight away, it has to build up as said up thread. Find one you like and overtime you'll get to know the mums that are there and take it from there.

Good luck.

I hated groups too, I always felt out of kilter with the other mothers somehow.
However, I did really enjoy going to the parent and baby screenings at the cinema (alone or with mummy friends) and enjoyed monkey music once it was worth taking DS to a class he could actually enjoy. I got on ok with the mums but made no close friends, but it passed the time. I used to go and have lunch with my non- mum friends as much as I could, meeting them in their lunch hour, just to reconnect with the adult world. And galleries and museums were great too. It was lonely at times, but it got better.

Have pm'ed you OP in case you live near me.

YADNBU. I've attended one twice and it was OK but there was no one there who was near my age (I'm an older first time mum) and although people were friendly enough I couldn't imagine ever having anything in common with them.

I think if you enjoy these clubs then you should make the most of them but I have loads of friends whom I still see and I also enjoy having the days to myself and dd. I will be back to work soon enough so why fill my maternity leave with activities I don't want to do?

If I was going to be a SAHM I might have made more of an effort with the baby groups so that dd gets social interaction and I get adult company but that won't be needed soon enough.

Btw DP really wanted me to attend these groups before I had DD and for the first couple of months after she was born. I think he was worried I would suffer PND due to lack of adult company but nothing could be further from the truth!

I used to go to some groups and just come home and cry. I'd make small talk with people and then at the end people would ask others if they were staying for coffee and no one ever asked me. I didn't feel confident enough to ask really. I'd also find that people made quite strong reference to their nct friends and it was probably just me but I took that as meaning they weren't really looking for others.

I still go to playgroups sometimes on my day off and it hasn't got easier really. I do know a couple of people from a coffee morning I used to go to but I didn't meet them till my DS was 6 months old. I'd agree with trying lots of different ones and activities like swimming because at the very least it passes the time and gets you out of the house but YANBU, it can make you feel awful. I hope things feel a bit less lonely for you soon.

Oh you are right, they are awful. I went twice and never returned. I have 4 now and they are all fine without having attended these groups so don't feel like your baby will be missing out - they wont.

I am not friends with any of the mums I was friends with from ds1 or ds2's baby groups. As our dcs grew up I realised that three were competitive mums, one had a drug problem, one constantly cheated on her DH and the other two I have nothing in common with. Just because you have a baby at the same time doesn't mean you will be life long friends.

It seems a shame to completely rule out grouPs where you may well meet some potentially good friends. It takes longer than a couple of weeks to make connections in most friendships.

I'm not the most outgoing person and mother and baby groups were not my favourite thing ever but I have made 4 good other mum friends with kids around the same age as my son and know a wide range of other women who I then run into in our local supermarket and my DS may be starting school with their kids this year.

spanky I've kind of redefined my opinion of friendship since having ds. I count the mums I've met as friends but have no expectation of them becoming close confidants or even being people I still know in 5 years time tbh (although it would be nice if I did!) I'll most likely bump into at least a few at the school gate and I'd like to be on good terms with people then, and it's good for my confidence to be able to walk into eg the church hall and have someone to smile and say hi to; and it's good for ds to have some little chums to play with at the park, invite to a birthday party etc.

But bosom buddies? That's a rare occurence in any walk of life IMO :)

Worried over something I've read a fair bit about these groups on MN; is there really an attitude towards younger mums? All my friends are students, they've gone home for the summer and they're not hugely interested in babies. I'm quite isolated and feeling lonely, but I'm worried about being excluded or feeling like people are avoiding me because of my age

I agree with purple's last post wholeheartedly.

moomin I don't think that's something you need to worry about. The common denominator is the baby/toddler/birth/newborn stage, and there's no avoiding talking about that while you get to know people!