to hate mother and baby groups?

[Torfhinn]

I'm a first time mother with a beautiful 9 week old son. I have lost a very active and busy life and hate being stuck at home. I have been trying to 'put myself out there' to make some mum friends by going to different groups and meet-ups. So far I have found that I have superficial chats with some mums, have nothing in common with most except for babies (how long can we talk about babies for...?), they already have a groups of mum friends and are a bit clique-y, or are just plain unfriendly. I really can't be bothered to keep charming people in order to make friends, but if I don't I risk being very lonely. Should I put more effort in or give up and be content to hang out with my son and do stuff on our own?

[Torfhinn]

Alas Apocalypse, I'm about 250 miles away on the south coast. Otherwise, we would so have met up!

[restandpeace]

Keep trying different ones

[balenciaga]

yanbu I went to one the other day

my baby is only 11 weeks old so doesn't do much atm. it was CRINGE, I just sat there like a spare part, tried to make conversations but didn't really get anywhere

it was also a sure start one and I got really wound up when the woman running it randomly started trying to lecture us on safety in the home and insisted we all take leaflets about not letting our dc put their fingers in electrical sockets or drink bleach. seriously it was THAT patronising

[Torfhinn]

You make me happy - only about 160 miles away form you

[Mnippy]

What Juniper said i.e. it's a long slow process but it will yield up a few gems who will make your life much better. Don't expect to make lifelong friends instantly, just 'colleagues' so you can have a chat when you bump into them into the supermarket and feel like you're connected into the mum network.

I have a few enemies who I haven't exchanged many words with, but who blank my tentative grins when I see them in the street. I now give them the evils...

[Wrcgirl]

Maybe I am strange...but I like them. However looking back, my wee one is now a year old. The first few weeks were painful, but now I have about five friends I can chat to at various groups and one close friend.

Some groups I do go to for wee one's benefit, massage, swimming, sensory, messy play, some of them I enjoyed, some I didn't, but wee one seemed to enjoy them, which is I felt, the main point. :)

I guess it depends on your personality :)

[Solasum]

I recommend going to galleries and museums. Even little babies will look at bright colours, and they usually have decent cafes, and are mostly pretty empty.

I found going to the park with baby and a rug I tended to fall into conversation with other mums as well.

[Dontforgetyourbrolly]

I hate them too ! I find it soul destroying listening all about their breast milk and Edward's clarinet practice ! Lol

Like you I had a very busy life and now rather depressed being stuck at home. At my lowest point I was watching Jeremy Kyle 3 times a day! Then I thought enough is enough. I remembered I have loads of friends so why the hell was I sad about not making new friends ? Ds is 4 months now and we are au fait with public transport , and know what tube stations have pram access ha ha. I meet my working friends for lunch - they envy me and I envy them ! It gets us out the house and helps me keep I touch with the real world.

Now the weather is nice I find local parks with outdoor gyms and utilise this . Losing baby weight and baby gets a walk in fresh air. He usually naps then :-)

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Another thing which helps break the ice is offering to help whoever is running it, I don't mean volunteer to run the whole session, but arrive early and help to put stuff out, or stay at the end and help clear up, sometimes it is easier to get chatting when you are actually doing something and an extra pair of hands is always welcomed.

This is brilliant advice. The "mum in charge" of a group is nearly always left to put away mats / tidy the tea things / sort out the toys on her own after a group. If you offer to help then she'll love you.

[thecageisfull]

It takes ages to make friends, a lot longer than 9 weeks, unless that's just me. Conversations are superficial and dull to start with, the same as if you started a new job you would likely have superficial and dull conversations about work or if you started a flower arranging class you would have superficial and dull conversations about flower arranging and evening classes. It doesn't mean that the people are superficial and dull, but most people are a bit guarded around strangers and will stick to safe, generalised topics until they know you a bit better. I hated baby groups at first because I'm very introverted and struggle to keep conversations going but I have made a few really good friends too.

[Teawaster]

Never bothered with them. I had worked for years without anything longer than 2 weeks off at a time so I relished doing something completely different. I had twins and took a year off . I went for walks, took them swimming , watched Wimbledon and generally had the best year of my life. I know that this would drive some around the bend but I didn't miss being around people at all. If fact if I wasn't ancient now 13 years later I would do it all again.

[JuniperTisane]

Hmm. I live very approximately 160 miles from Leicester in a southerly direction too.

[Greyhound]

It took me a while to find a group I liked. I was lucky in that there were a few to choose from.

In the end, the group I went to was wonderful and not just full of baby talk. The group became a lifeline to me and I was terribly upset when ds started nursery and I had to leave :(

[ThursdayLast]

I like them.
I didn't when DS was the age of yours now, but I kept going because otherwise I would gave just let myself stew in the house all ay everyday.
Keep going, to different ones if you can.

These days, my Monkey Music mummy friends are often the only people available for an impromptu picnic in the park!

[cailindana]

I found my local group to be a total lifesaver when I moved to a new area with DS while he was a baby. Over time I got involved and now I've been running the group for nearly 3 years. It's been great, I've made loads of friends. I run the group twice a week and see friends from it at least one other day week. Being a SAHM has meant I've had a fantastic social life!

It's my "job" to greet all newcomers to the group and what I would say is that some people really don't do themselves any favours in terms of making friends. Some people literally won't open their mouths unless I talk to them and do everything to keep the conversation going. While I'm happy to try to include them the first couple of sessions after that I expect them to make their own effort. I can't force them to make friends. It takes quite a lot of effort to get to know people and make proper friends - you have to put yourself out there, no one is going to hand you friendship on a plate.

[Torfhinn]

I love mumsnet

Such a wide range of opinions and ideas helps put thoughts into order and gain perspective. And you are all right! I will keep trying different groups and classes and try not to get too down (like today) when some are less than welcoming.

Onwards and upwards with the boy (who is so adorable asleep on my shoulder, who needs friends?!)

Lovely part of the world Juniper

[Hakluyt]

Oh, I hate this "I'm too cool for baby groups" thing. Who do you think all the other women there are- strange cloned "mummybeings"? They have jobs and careers and lives too- who knows, some of them might be almost as interesting as you!

[Hakluyt]

Sorry, OP, that wasn't directed at you- I see that you've tried and found some unfriendly people. But it is a common,y held Mumsnet view and it makes me cross.

Th thing to do is try lots of different ones. I found that the groups with a purpose (which might seem a bit ridiculous when your baby's so tiny- but he soon won't be) like swimming or music were better for making friends than the just sitting and having a cup of tea ones. Easier to chqt while you're sharing the maracas!

[Torfhinn]

I hope I didn't give that impression Hakluyt - I certainly don't think I am 'too cool for baby groups' or I wouldn't have been going. I just feel hurt and disappointed when they are clique-y or unfriendly. I lack confidence in meeting new people and have found this new life very challenging.

Your sarcastic comment has been the only unhelpful thing on this thread so far.

[Torfhinn]

Sorry Hakluyt - x post! And thank you.

[rembrandtsrockchick]

It's forty years since my baby mummy days and it seems that these groups have not changed at all!

[PurplePidjin]

I hated them when ds was that age - apart from my local bf group where I've made some awesome friends - but familiarity has bred contempt almost so now when I take him (19 months) to groups I see the same familiar faces and can usually find someone to chat to, know at least the kids by name etc. Although a lot of what I originally thought were the cliquey mums are actually childminders who are busy running round after several children and snatch a quick coffee with their other childminder friends when they get a chance good way to suss out which ones I'd actually be happy to send ds to if I needed to

Facebook can be handy, for this actually - it sometimes seems a bit presumptous to suggest swapping numbers but Find Me On Facebook is a bit less personal.

PS am also on the south coast

[MehsMum]

Stick at it, OP: I have two friends I met at baby groups - one 19 years ago and one 17 years ago. One lives abroad so I see her only rarely, but we still see the other family regularly though we live 100 miles apart now. We've even been on holiday together - the kids get on too so everyone has a good time.

You can make fantastic friends at baby groups: you just never know who's going to be there next week. Good luck!

[JuniperTisane]

South coast is a wide area though. Im more eastish than westish.

[PurplePidjin]

I'm sort of middle-ish Juniper :o