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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this DV victim staying with us any longer

466 replies

Mozzereena · 25/06/2014 14:43

Last Sunday DH received a phone call from an acquaintance (not a friend) asking could we give him a bed for a couple of nights til he sorted himself out as he had been battered (again) by his partner and thrown out of her home. He said he was desperate as he has no family anymore since his mum died and he became estranged from his sibling.

DH said that it would be ok with him but he would have to run it by me first. I said ok as it was an emergency and DH felt really sorry for this guy. He has known him for many years as they attend the same cricket club.

I have 3 DC and each have their own bedroom.
DD2 was staying with a friend over the weekend so we went into her room and cleaned it out and made it up for this guy.
The guy arrived at our house Sunday evening while we were having a barbecue. He seemed quite shaken up and upset.
I told him that DD2 was away for the weekend but she would be back Monday and she would have to share a bed with 5yo DS temporarily until she got her room back. DD was fine about this.

The guy has so far stayed with us for 3 nights.

He put his name down for a council house on Monday - 12 month waiting list he was told. He works for an employment agency so DH says he will struggle to get a private rental. Also he has no savings and no transport. He is in a mess.

However, last night he text DH to say that he had some good news and that he would tell him about it when he got back to our house last night.
I went to bed at 10 and DH stayed up and waited for this guy to come back with his 'good news'

DH told me this morning that the guy had met with a private LL who had an upstairs flat but a man was living in it at the moment but as the current tenant was on the dole he would give him his 4weeks notice to leave.
The guy paid a deposit to this heartless LL and asked DH if he could stay with us for 4 more weeks. DH said no but he could stay for one week.
I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now! Arrrgghh! What are we gunna do? I don't really want to boot him out on to the street!

OP posts:
glasgowstevenagain · 26/06/2014 10:28

But for now, what we know about him is that he's scared, his life has fallen to shreds, no doubt feels ashamed, and could do with getting a raft of support in place. You and your family can assist
-

For how long - 3 days

10

1 month...

they have helped enough - he should go - as I said above he should go to a hotel for the rest of the 7 days - paid for by them - keep their family safe and get him out.

He is not their problem - he is not even a friend....

shockinglybadteacher · 26/06/2014 10:40

LOL, Garlic, perhaps he can be a Family Teaching Time moment. He can sit down with OP's DD and tell her exactly when he was hit, what justification was given, how much it hurt and what he felt. Perhaps that can be in lieu of rent. Hmm

Seriously, I don't think the DD is unfeeling. Annoyed and angry perhaps. But the only person she's let out her feelings to is her mum. If she can't do that, what can she do? Especially as her wishes weren't consulted in the matter.

I wonder who'll take in the unemployed bloke who's been given 4 weeks to leave by shark landlord? Anyone being holier than thou on this thread? Anyone?

Birdsgottafly · 26/06/2014 10:42

Yabu and your dd is very rude and spoilt.""

And yet when OP's ask if they are unreasonable in not wanting to put family up over Christmas, they are told YANBU.

I don't understand why the 5 year old can't sleep with the OP and her DH and her adult DD can't have her bedroom, in her own home, back.

Or has the DH got family he can stay with and the OP sleeps with the five year old and gives this stranger her bed.

Or publish we're you are and all these kind MNers can give up their beds.

Giving support if able to, is one thing but this is to much of a disruption.

happyyonisleepyyoni · 26/06/2014 10:43

If he is homeless the council have responsibility to find hom emergency accommodation. Its not your problem OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/06/2014 10:44

Vampy imam sure she can express herself without being nasty. Op has been kind to have this man in her home who they don't know very well, 4 weeks is a lot to have a friend or family member stay, let alone a stranger. Op you just have to tell him that it's not possible, he will have to ask friends or family or go to tge housing office.

happyyonisleepyyoni · 26/06/2014 10:44

OP tell him to call Shelter

england.shelter.org.uk

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/06/2014 10:45

If he is homeless the council have responsibility to find hom emergency accommodation

Not necessarily. It depends whether they consider him intentionally homeless, and whether he has a local connection. if he is considered vulnerable and they have a duty to house him then they should provide a hostel bed but that's not a given.

unrealhousewife · 26/06/2014 10:47

Some local authority have a much shorter waiting list for small flats, it's always worth a try, even on London.

unrealhousewife · 26/06/2014 10:48

*in

GarlicJunoWho · 26/06/2014 10:50

He is not in priority need. The council does not have a legal duty to house him.

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/downloads_and_tools/emergency_housing_rights_checker

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/06/2014 10:53

Having to flee DV might make him vulnerable according to their criteria but he would need evidence of some kind. Still depends on the local connection question.

SquigglySquid · 26/06/2014 11:10

This isn't an Lifetime channel movie guys. Just because you take him under your wing or even have him talk to everyone about his situation as a teaching moment doesn't mean he'll turn his life around and everyone will have fuzzy feelings as a bird that had a wounded wing now flies off into the sunset.

When people are scared, some cower harmlessly. People are sympathetic to those type of people because it plays on their instincts to care for something.

But you know what else scared and abused people do? They lash out, they manipulate, they lie. They have been in a situation where their survival depends on lying, fitting what the person wants, avoiding conflict, being dependent solely on the abuser in any number of areas. They are in survival mode, and while those traits helped them survive their relationship, they are maladaptive and terrible skills for normal relationships.

Have you ever had to live with someone with PTSD? I have. It's a fucking nightmare. If not PTSD he will have some sort of MH issues that is currently not being treated.

Not everyone is a likable and sympathetic victim.

More importantly, the only one that can fix this is him.

It really is a shame he's been hard done by in life like this, but he's not the OP's problem. She opened her door for a few nights as an emergency accommodation and he's trying to milk it and take advantage. She has a family to take care of. Not a grown adult she doesn't know to "rescue".

GarlicJunoWho · 26/06/2014 11:14

Yeah, I have PTSD! I am a nightmare to live with Grin Hence I don't live with anyone.

I'm all for parking him in a hotel if that's an option. I'm not in favour of chucking a scared person onto the street because helping him is inconvenient - unless he behaves in a harmful way. Being there & being a bit fucked-up isn't harmful in itself, imo.

Were I OP, though, I'd definitely know the basics about him - phone, email, where he works, etc.

glasgowstevenagain · 26/06/2014 11:20

Does he have a criminal record?

Does he have drink or drugs problems

Is there a history of sexual assault that explain why he has no one else in his life that are willing to help him.

He can sleep in the cricket club pavillion....

Birdsgottafly · 26/06/2014 11:34

I'm wondering why there are homeless people in London going by the amount of posters who would take in a stranger and ignore their children telling them that they feel unconfirtable in their own home.

Please jump onto the threads were MNers refuse to even let family visit until they say so and never without notice.

They obviously missed the meno that said that no-one can call their home their own and must treat it like a commune.

Well done for teaching your DD's that their feelings and wants should be ignored because there is a man who, for a reason no-one really knows, needs help. Some people are very good at setting themselves up as victims.

He could of been thrown out for a number of reasons.

Original poster
Mozzereena · 26/06/2014 11:41

I don't know glasgow
I just want him to find somewhere else now
DH will be out with him tonight so maybe can pass on all the info that I have emailed to him.
DD2 went to stay at her friend's again last night.
DH bit my head off when I told him dd2's reaction to the man wanting to stay another 4 weeks. :(
After the school run this morning, instead of going to the gym as I had planned on my day off, I came straight home to get DD1 and take her out for breakfast before she starts work and to explain to her why the man is still at our house today.
She told me that she had not slept as that man had snored so loud all night - her bedroom is next to DD2's.
DH told me that the guy had taken 3 days off work to sort himself out. He left my house today just before 11am. He stays out til really late every night, comes back after we have gone to bed. I suspect he is at the pub.
DH assures me that this man has until this Sunday to sort somewhere else to stay.

OP posts:
unrealhousewife · 26/06/2014 11:44

Put him in the front room, let him invade your space, not dds.

happyyonisleepyyoni · 26/06/2014 11:47

If he's left his home because he's been battered then he has a case that his local council should provide emergency accommodation.

as I said before Shelter can advise.

MackerelOfFact · 26/06/2014 12:06

There is no way he needs to wait a month for private rented accommodation. I'm currently looking for somewhere to move into in 6 weeks, and struggling to find anything because I'd say probably 75% of properties advertised are available immediately.

He needs to look for a different flat and/or get on Gumtree or Spareroom and find shared accommodation - he could probably be moved into somewhere by the weekend.

You've been kind offering him somewhere to stay in the short term, but his options aren't staying with you vs. homelessness. He just needs to try a bit harder, and part with some money.

Floggingmolly · 26/06/2014 12:24

Why will he "struggle" to get a private rental, op, you still haven't explained? Particularly since he appears to have paid upfront for accommodation that isn't even available at present?

Aeroflotgirl · 26/06/2014 12:27

Yanbu this man being there is impacting on you as a family, so yes give him until Sunday and tell him. I know that it is not his fault, he is a victim of DV but you are not happy.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/06/2014 12:39

Flogging, she's said he isn't on a permanent contract and has no savings. That will cause him to struggle in most areas of this country.

TryingToFixThis · 26/06/2014 12:39

DH bit my head off when I told him dd2's reaction to the man wanting to stay another 4 weeks.

Charming. Glad he values you and your family's feelings more than a stranger's.

glasgowstevenagain · 26/06/2014 12:42

DH assures me that this man has until this Sunday to sort somewhere else to stay.

Pay for him in a hotel - reclaim your family life

Kick him out -

glasgowstevenagain · 26/06/2014 12:44

I would take the kids and yourself elsewhere - until your house is your house again.

The pair of them are at the pub tonight - I bet

He is at the pub all day.

Feed a stray dog and you will never get rid!