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Original poster

To not want this DV victim staying with us any longer

466 replies

Mozzereena · 25/06/2014 14:43

Last Sunday DH received a phone call from an acquaintance (not a friend) asking could we give him a bed for a couple of nights til he sorted himself out as he had been battered (again) by his partner and thrown out of her home. He said he was desperate as he has no family anymore since his mum died and he became estranged from his sibling.

DH said that it would be ok with him but he would have to run it by me first. I said ok as it was an emergency and DH felt really sorry for this guy. He has known him for many years as they attend the same cricket club.

I have 3 DC and each have their own bedroom.
DD2 was staying with a friend over the weekend so we went into her room and cleaned it out and made it up for this guy.
The guy arrived at our house Sunday evening while we were having a barbecue. He seemed quite shaken up and upset.
I told him that DD2 was away for the weekend but she would be back Monday and she would have to share a bed with 5yo DS temporarily until she got her room back. DD was fine about this.

The guy has so far stayed with us for 3 nights.

He put his name down for a council house on Monday - 12 month waiting list he was told. He works for an employment agency so DH says he will struggle to get a private rental. Also he has no savings and no transport. He is in a mess.

However, last night he text DH to say that he had some good news and that he would tell him about it when he got back to our house last night.
I went to bed at 10 and DH stayed up and waited for this guy to come back with his 'good news'

DH told me this morning that the guy had met with a private LL who had an upstairs flat but a man was living in it at the moment but as the current tenant was on the dole he would give him his 4weeks notice to leave.
The guy paid a deposit to this heartless LL and asked DH if he could stay with us for 4 more weeks. DH said no but he could stay for one week.
I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now! Arrrgghh! What are we gunna do? I don't really want to boot him out on to the street!

OP posts:
glasgowstevenagain · 26/06/2014 12:47

Is there any reason he cannot go back to his own house.

Maybe he was caught cheating and walked out......

SquigglySquid · 26/06/2014 12:50

I would take the kids and yourself elsewhere - until your house is your house again.

Agreed. Your daughter is the smartest one staying else where.

Your husband won't make this his problem until you make it his problem iykwim. So far he's very selfishly trampled everyone's feelings and done what he's wanted without consulting you as a family first. But why would he? This is no inconvenience to him personally. He still gets his own room, and then hangs with the man at the pub.

I already call it. Sunday will come and DH will be giving him one more week. Are you prepared to negate that and bluntly tell the man he needs to leave and deal with the possible row with your husband? Or find a hotel for you and your son to stay at if he chooses a stranger over his family?

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 26/06/2014 12:50

floggingmolly (recommended them on a music thread yesterday! Grin ) I'm guessing its because when she said employed by an agency, she meant he's temping, so has no 'guaranteed' income?

BackOnlyBriefly · 26/06/2014 12:55

I think you have done enough and more than anyone has a right to expect. Those criticising your DD could PM you with their addresses. He could spend a week at each of their houses.

I'm sure they will be eager to do their bit.

diddl · 26/06/2014 13:01

Problem is your husband!

Sounds as if he says yes to the guy & then buggers off to work leaving others to sort it out.

Does he not care how his daughters feel?

Floggingmolly · 26/06/2014 13:07

Sorry Blush. I read it as being in recruitment...

glasgowstevenagain · 26/06/2014 13:11

so did I.

In my experience a lot of recuitment consultants work on commision only

Birdsgottafly · 26/06/2014 13:14

OP I'm normally the last to think along these lines, but has he got something on your DH?

glasgowstevenagain · 26/06/2014 13:31

Thats what I thought but never wanted to say it.

Why would you upset your whole family life for a man who is not even your friend.....

Birdsgottafly · 26/06/2014 13:37

And why would no-one else help him at the cricket club?

I'd wonder if the man hadn't been simply thrown out.

EverythingCounts · 26/06/2014 13:40

I'm not impressed with your DH here. He should be listening to his family's feelings and thinking about their welfare. If he is going out with his house guest in the evenings but not helping him find a flat, going with him to the council, ringing Shelter or other organisations in the know, then he's not actually being helpful to his friend either. Long term solutions are needed here and his best course of action as a friend is to get him a proper place to stay.

glasgowstevenagain · 26/06/2014 13:46

Long term solutions are needed here and his best course of action as a friend is to get him a proper place to stay.

Except he is not a friend is he!

He is someone known to the Husband of the OP - and not known to the family

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 26/06/2014 13:48

(Ahh see, ime recruitment consultants get a small basic, with huge bonus incentive on top)

OP, if he is temping, is he in an ongoing job? Because when i worked for an agency, we were happy to write letters for renting etc confirming that, although the contract was officially temporary, we had no reason to believe the assignment would end soon, and could confirm that joe bloggs has earned £x for however long, in a job that was ongoing.

So if he's saying he automatically can't get private rental, even though he 'has a job' because its classed as temping, he may be fibbing!

glasgowstevenagain · 26/06/2014 13:56

His long term rental situation is not the problem of the OP - getting him out is.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 26/06/2014 13:56

Just want to check something too. You said "battered and thrown out"?

IME again (so please all feel free to correct me!) people who are physically abusive, do so when they know you are going to stay, that they can do what they want and it wont incite you to leave. So battered and left would make sense, if you'd had enough, but it seems odd to me that someone would be abusive and then kick you out?

Sort of, if they were going to kick you out, you wouldnt be 'worth' the bother of the assault, if that makes sense? Not saying someone wouldnt hit once or twice then throw out, it's just the image that "battering" projects on my mind, doesnt get followed with being kicked out. If anyone can see what i mean at all?

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 26/06/2014 13:58

I'm not saying it because its her concern to get him housed. I'm saying it because there is a possibility that when he asked to stay based on 'cant get private rental' he was lying. That would be her concern.

EverythingCounts · 26/06/2014 14:00

Glasgow I agree, it's not the OP's problem. I am saying that if her husband wants to be a friend to this person (and by inviting him to stay he has made a move in that direction) he would be better off helping him find accommodation than taking him to the pub. The OP has no responsibilities here, I agree completely.

glasgowstevenagain · 26/06/2014 14:02

He is clearly lying.

About many things.

The OP knows this.

Her husband may know this.

She needs to move out with her children to a place of safety and let the men do what they wish.

When he is gone then she should move back.

I would not put my family through this.

Not for a stranger - her words

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 26/06/2014 14:02

Yy!

fourforksache · 26/06/2014 14:05

let's not make too many assumptions, just make it clear to him tonight that he is packing on Sunday morning.

glasgowstevenagain · 26/06/2014 14:12

Glad we agree :)

I would have his things packed tonight - would have him booked into a hotel for tonight - and would then have nothing to do with the situation.

If her husband wants to have his family back - he knows what to do.

glasgowstevenagain · 26/06/2014 14:14

let's not make too many assumptions, just make it clear to him tonight that he is packing on Sunday morning.

Assuming nothing untoward happens in the meantime :(

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 26/06/2014 14:20

Picked manchester as a random uk location to search and laterooms.com can do five nights for £75. Seriously, if he has cash for a deposit, he has no excuse to not do this.

s113 · 26/06/2014 14:20

OP - be very aware of where your own responsibilities start and finish.

Your responsibility is to yourself, and YOUR family, including your DD. (I am with your DD here.)

Not to this gentleman, sad though his circumstances are. Only one person is responsible for him: himself. Don't let your DH be a yes-man to him.

If you don't announce a deadline for him to pack his bags and go, "this is the thin end of the wedge" springs to mind here: "a couple of nights" has already become longer than that. He could be in your family's space for weeks unless you draw the line clearly.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 26/06/2014 14:21

London (thats vague - i guess it means sort of central?) 5 nights for £69.