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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this DV victim staying with us any longer

466 replies

Mozzereena · 25/06/2014 14:43

Last Sunday DH received a phone call from an acquaintance (not a friend) asking could we give him a bed for a couple of nights til he sorted himself out as he had been battered (again) by his partner and thrown out of her home. He said he was desperate as he has no family anymore since his mum died and he became estranged from his sibling.

DH said that it would be ok with him but he would have to run it by me first. I said ok as it was an emergency and DH felt really sorry for this guy. He has known him for many years as they attend the same cricket club.

I have 3 DC and each have their own bedroom.
DD2 was staying with a friend over the weekend so we went into her room and cleaned it out and made it up for this guy.
The guy arrived at our house Sunday evening while we were having a barbecue. He seemed quite shaken up and upset.
I told him that DD2 was away for the weekend but she would be back Monday and she would have to share a bed with 5yo DS temporarily until she got her room back. DD was fine about this.

The guy has so far stayed with us for 3 nights.

He put his name down for a council house on Monday - 12 month waiting list he was told. He works for an employment agency so DH says he will struggle to get a private rental. Also he has no savings and no transport. He is in a mess.

However, last night he text DH to say that he had some good news and that he would tell him about it when he got back to our house last night.
I went to bed at 10 and DH stayed up and waited for this guy to come back with his 'good news'

DH told me this morning that the guy had met with a private LL who had an upstairs flat but a man was living in it at the moment but as the current tenant was on the dole he would give him his 4weeks notice to leave.
The guy paid a deposit to this heartless LL and asked DH if he could stay with us for 4 more weeks. DH said no but he could stay for one week.
I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now! Arrrgghh! What are we gunna do? I don't really want to boot him out on to the street!

OP posts:
NellyTheEfalump · 26/06/2014 00:26

I'll say now that I haven't read the whole thread so I may be wrong.

If this was a female friend, would you be seeing it differently?

It's a tough situation for you but it's extremely hard to ask for help. I'd say put up with it for the 4 weeks, then tell him he needs to find alternative accommodation x

glasgowstevenagain · 26/06/2014 01:50

4 weeks.a stranger.

not a chance

SoonToBeSix · 26/06/2014 01:56

Yabu and your dd is very rude and spoilt.

kali110 · 26/06/2014 02:47

I think i would give him a few more days. Im good few years older than ops daughter and if my mum thought the same she would make me!
I would have given him the couch. Everyone sits in livingroom till certain time 10ish etc then he can have it as his bedroom.
Id do it as i hope someone would do the same for me.

Monty27 · 26/06/2014 03:03

YANBU. He's a stranger you offered him a couple of nights. You've done that. He needs to get and sofa surf somewhere. Surely he had other friends or family!

SquigglySquid · 26/06/2014 03:28

WRT do your daughters feeling uncomfortable: First we'd need to know why she is uncomfortable. Has he done anything to make her uncomfortable? If yes, forget everything I said and just kick him out NOW. If not, and this my suspicion, then your DD needs to woman up. 22 is a good age to learn that most men are NOT sex predators and assuming so is sexist. Life lesson.

No one feels threatened for "no reason", they always have a reason. Maybe he looked at her too long, maybe she caught him checking her out. Even if she can't articulate why beyond "He just makes me nervous" something is causing that feeling and it needs to be addressed. But it should be addressed in a place and time where she feels safe, not in the middle of the situation. Sorry to enter MN bingo She could have been assaulted or harassed at college, we don't know her history.

You're right not all men are predators. Most men are genuinely good people. But her feelings trump that of a man the family doesn't know. He needs to leave now, and her feelings right or wrong can be reflected on later.

Monty27 · 26/06/2014 03:50

Nah probably none of that, DD wants here room back! Simple. and who can blame her!!

SquigglySquid · 26/06/2014 04:01

DD1 is the one who's nervous about him. DD2 is the one that's giving up the room.

gingercat2 · 26/06/2014 04:31

I would not want a man I didn't know being left in the house alone with my daughters.

Toadinthehole · 26/06/2014 05:25

There is something the man needs more than shelter, and that is advice. His head well be in a mess He needs to be pointed in the direction of someone who can give him that advice. Sensible suggestions have been made as to where it can be found.

If he's working (and therefore presumably not destitute), you've no need to be putting him up. However, who would seriously blame a victim of DV for being too disorganised to sort these things out right from day 1. Yet this is what some have done on this thread (together with labelling him a potential rapist) and I think that's despicable.

I reckon you and your family should be commended for what you've done so far.

differentnameforthis · 26/06/2014 06:14

I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now!

Oh she sounds delightful

I would hope that your daughter never needs a friend in this way. I hope she doesn't ever need to hide away from an abuser & gets this kind of response

tell me, what would you think if this was a woman running from an abusive partner?

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/06/2014 06:41

Romeyroo

"I would want to know where she was hurt, did she need medical attention, can we call the police."

That was not what you posted though

glasgowstevenagain · 26/06/2014 07:37

He can get a hotel.

He had no one else to ask except strangers. ....

glasgowstevenagain · 26/06/2014 07:42

He can get a hotel.

He had no one else to ask except strangers. ....

Aeroflotgirl · 26/06/2014 07:49

I understand where your coming from op, but at 21 your dd language is awful, can she not express herself without swearing!

fourforksache · 26/06/2014 09:40

I think letting a stranger stay a week is very kind and the op shouldn't be expected to take on someone else's problems. He could get a B&B. There are options for him but he's rather insidiously trying to impose himself for 4 weeks because it's easier and cheaper for him. I call that taking advantage of someone's kindness.

Those slating the op are incredibly rude & not acknowledging the help she's given. So you help as much as you feel able, does that mean you are now obliged to offer further help even if you're not happy about it? I don't think so!

firesidechat · 26/06/2014 09:45

Totally off topic, but what is an ok age to swear? Is she too old at 21 or too young?

OP, I think you have been very kind to offer this person a place to stay for a few days, but I also think the time has come for him to sort something out. I wouldn't be happy with a relative stranger living in my house with my two young adult daughters, particularly if they are unhappy about it too.

fourforksache · 26/06/2014 09:49

The swearing is irrelevant. Most of us on here swear, so it's a bit pot calling kettle black.

shockinglybadteacher · 26/06/2014 09:51

For FUCK's sake, is the most important issue here the fact that the OP's DD said FUCK? She said it in the heat of the moment and not to the man himself!

If I arrived home and my family said "Right, this bloke's in a situation, he's getting your bed for an unspecified amount of time and you'll be sharing a bed with your 5 year old brother until whenever" I might be a bit taken aback too. And yeah, a naughty word might escape my lips. Unlike some of the posters on this thread, I doubt I'd be raising my eyes to the heavens and saying devoutly "Gosh, yes. As long as I can be of service."

OP, you and your family are being super kind. So is your DD. It is so great you're willing to help him out. DV is never easy - I have had it in my family and union reps get special training on how to help DV victims without getting tangled into the mess themselves, because it is messy. The number one thing we get told is "Detach".

Detach in your case means you are a kindly but impersonal source of help. You have given him a deadline. He is out by that deadline. You help him find somewhere to stay if you can (and I am taken aback by the heartless LL - OP are you in Scotland? I can't speak for England but if you are PM me, he has better options than that). He does not get an extension of 2 weeks, 3 weeks, 6 weeks, a month....

No-one guilts you by saying "You should have done more". I guarantee that by doing that you are doing far more than most people calling you names would have done for someone they don't know.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 26/06/2014 09:56

Aeroflotgirl seriously? nothing compared to the amount of bad language on here! It's not as though she's a child.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 26/06/2014 09:57

oops, x-post.

basgetti · 26/06/2014 10:09

This man had money to find other arrangements though. He's chosen to use that to hand over a deposit for an occupied flat that may not be ready in 4 weeks. When you are relying on the hospitality of strangers I don't think you can be so choosy or specific about your future living arrangements. If someone has agreed to a couple of nights you do your best to find any suitable accomodation as quickly as possible, you don't decide you like the look of a particular flat so therefore they should put you up for another month.

gamerchick · 26/06/2014 10:18

A PP brought up the very point I was just thinking. OP there seems to be quite a few people on this thread who would gladly take your guest in until he's sorted. But I'm assuming you've already had a load of PMs already.

Very kind of you all to offer to take in a stranger as the OP did for a couple of nights, I'm sure the OP is grateful.

tearsofrobertsmith · 26/06/2014 10:21

I've spotted about 4/5 posters suggesting that you take your 5 year old in with you and your husband- you've not responded that I've seen as to whether this is a possibility. You've said that the couch is a no go but surely having your son in with you is the most obvious solution.
As an aside I think it is commendable that you've taken this chap in. Really incredibly generous. However I think surely a week is the limit of reasonableness. I'd swear too if I was your daughter. Well done all of you.

GarlicJunoWho · 26/06/2014 10:24

Moz, I'm afraid the most outstanding thing about your predicament is that you don't know his phone number, email address or daily routine!

For what it's worth, I agree that this is a great time for DD to learn a bit about compassion (and domestic violence.) Has anybody sat with him & listened to his story?

I imagine he feels terrified and very unsure of himself. I imagine he gave that shark his money because he's desperate to resist going 'home' and uncomfortable staying with you, where he isn't welcome. Why not actually take him under your wing for a bit, encourage him to reach out to the appropriate services - which he won't know about, but Mumsnet and the CAB do, between us - so that he can start feeling assure there IS help?

YY, if he acts all creepy around DD, he'll need to go. But for now, what we know about him is that he's scared, his life has fallen to shreds, no doubt feels ashamed, and could do with getting a raft of support in place. You and your family can assist :)