To not want this DV victim staying with us any longer

[Mozzereena]

Last Sunday DH received a phone call from an acquaintance (not a friend) asking could we give him a bed for a couple of nights til he sorted himself out as he had been battered (again) by his partner and thrown out of her home. He said he was desperate as he has no family anymore since his mum died and he became estranged from his sibling.

DH said that it would be ok with him but he would have to run it by me first. I said ok as it was an emergency and DH felt really sorry for this guy. He has known him for many years as they attend the same cricket club.

I have 3 DC and each have their own bedroom.
DD2 was staying with a friend over the weekend so we went into her room and cleaned it out and made it up for this guy.
The guy arrived at our house Sunday evening while we were having a barbecue. He seemed quite shaken up and upset.
I told him that DD2 was away for the weekend but she would be back Monday and she would have to share a bed with 5yo DS temporarily until she got her room back. DD was fine about this.

The guy has so far stayed with us for 3 nights.

He put his name down for a council house on Monday - 12 month waiting list he was told. He works for an employment agency so DH says he will struggle to get a private rental. Also he has no savings and no transport. He is in a mess.

However, last night he text DH to say that he had some good news and that he would tell him about it when he got back to our house last night.
I went to bed at 10 and DH stayed up and waited for this guy to come back with his 'good news'

DH told me this morning that the guy had met with a private LL who had an upstairs flat but a man was living in it at the moment but as the current tenant was on the dole he would give him his 4weeks notice to leave.
The guy paid a deposit to this heartless LL and asked DH if he could stay with us for 4 more weeks. DH said no but he could stay for one week.
I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now! Arrrgghh! What are we gunna do? I don't really want to boot him out on to the street!

(well aside from awkwardness of not knowing if I should keep him company or let him work unsupervised)

this always bothers me too.

Wow, you and your DDs sound absolutely charming.

It really would have been kinder to refuse him from the start that way he would have been able to find someone who would be more willing to help him out for a more realistic time frame.

I am not saying, he should stay until whenever but A COUPLE OF NIGHTS is not a lot, if you have to sort yourself out for somewhere to live.

I spent about 6 months after leaving my ex, blowing a lot of money on temporary accommodation. It was physically and mentally draining and I was constantly afraid of being homeless.

You have got home, a functioning relationship, you haven't had your confidence shattered by being physically attacked by someone you trusted. You didn't have to offer him your home, but you and your dh did. You offered him some breathing space and I think the guy is being as fair as he can be in this situation by giving you a realistic time frame for when he can find something he won't have to move out of again.

Having said that, he is staying in your house and however begrudgingly you are helping him out. First of all I'd call a family meeting to look for a solution everyone can live with and for how long. Then communicate that to him and let him get on with it.

WRT do your daughters feeling uncomfortable: First we'd need to know why she is uncomfortable. Has he done anything to make her uncomfortable? If yes, forget everything I said and just kick him out NOW. If not, and this my suspicion, then your DD needs to woman up. 22 is a good age to learn that most men are NOT sex predators and assuming so is sexist. Life lesson.

I have more sympathy for your 21yo DD, because she hd to give up her room. I agree with pp who suggested you should take the 5yo into your bedroom (he will love it).

Best of luck to all of you.

Ooh! Did we just have one of those historical facebook style postings.... one bumped from many moons ago?

I was told by Women's Aid that if you have to flee from domestic violence, any council will house you immediately

I was once told the same thing by my (LA) DV support worker, though she also told me that male victims have to present evidence (I had to in order to have my support sessions with her).

Every local authority has such a person (sometimes more than one) and the details will be on their Website, usually listed under something like 'Community Safety'. The Mankind Initiative have also started keeping a list of local resources, though they are very underfunded and I know the list is far from complete. In addition, some regional branches of Womens' Aid also assist male victims (e.g. Leicestershire, Surrey).

If this man has been a victim of DV then I truly and sincerely hope that he will be alright and actually find the support he needs. To those saying he should ask his other friends, please bear in mind that he simply may not have any. My XP did an extremely good job of cutting me off from mine, and I imagine he may be feeling very isolated, and in a great deal of despair, right now.

someone They DO sound absolutely charming. They agreed to allow a total stranger into their home, and the daughter gave up her bed. How often have you done that? They didn't know he would want to stay for longer than a month!

I think they sound fairly normal kind people who have offered 'emergency help' to an acquaintance but don't want to be seen as a longer term solution. They are not DV specialist or counsellors or a shelter just a normal family who have done a kind thing - but they are not responsible for this guy who has a job and money.

Gatorade My own kindness is neither here nor there.

Had anyone stranger or friend, asked me for emergency accommodation, the first thing I would have done is ask the simple question: How long do you think you need? Ok, let's add another week just to be on the safe side.

That is to say, if for whatever reason someone who required houseroom made me uncomfortable, I would not have him in my house. If you do decide to help someone out, have realistic expectations.

The only person I have sympathy for is the 21yo DD, who hadn't been asked, if she minded giving up her room. But that's the OP's and her husband's problem. They've offered him a place to stay and they've had plenty of alternative suggestions: DS's room - while he slept in his parent's bed (I still have to meet a 5yo who wouldn't be thrilled at the idea), sofa (Ok, OP doesn't want that but it might be the least bad thing).

If and when I help, I will do so wholeheartedly without being a matyr about it.

Princess, I believe that, I didn't mean to suggest all physical abuse leaves evidence. I think my comments were more that I would ask what had happened. I mean, if someone was in your house saying they had been battered would you not ask what had happened?

I mean, battering is a strong term. If someone has been battered, you need to call the police. Before I get flamed, any physical abuse is wrong, but to me, battery is beyond assault, i.e. assault and battery used to be a stronger charge than assault. So that is why I was curious.

I think also, though I am struggling to articulate this and it is not really relevant to the OP, it has just got me thinking, wife battering used to be the term for domestic abuse, and it was culturally more acceptable to beat up your wife. So, I see battering relating to DA as quite a gendered term. Now, I believe that women can be abusive, because my mother was, not physically to my dad but to her kids, but the term wife-battering is so culturally reminiscent of oppression of women in a patriarchal society that its use gives me pause, rightly or wrongly. I don't mean I don't believe his wife physically abused him, but the language of (wife) battery historically reflected a societal norm, which this instance does not.

In my head that conversation went:

How long do you think you'll need? Fuck off!

Of course, that assumes you had the opportunity to ask, OP didn't. Her DH brought home a puppy without asking.... there were no expectations, just a scramble to find him a bed.

And the DD who said No! has as much right to say that as OP had, repeatedly, to say no to visitor on the sofa, or or 5 year old in her bed.

OP had no choice, she did not decide to help, so she is probably more saintly to have put up with the situation so far than anyone who would choose not to be a martyr!

He is not a child of the family. he is a stranger and his presence is unsettling the young female(s) of the house... he is a stranger in their home, of course he is unsettling.

At root, this one is simple: bad day was had, immediate and temporary solution was offered, but poorly thought out. Visitor has a job and money available. He can sort himself out now! An extra month is taking the piss.

He could move out tomorrow, having been housed in his immediate trauma, put in touch with some support agencies and helped move on.

What's wrong with that?

she is far more saintly than I would have been, if DP did this without consulting me, I'd be furious and want to move out for a while. If he did consult me, I'd say definitely not and suggest the victim contact an actual professional.

Nomama OP was ASKED (as in given the choice), if she minded putting up a vulnerable man for an undisclosed amount of time. She said yes. If she had used her backbone and said no to something she wasn't comfortable with, he may have been able to get the help of someone who was actually happy to do so (or would have been higher on the council waiting list).

She said yes though. So while I'm not suggesting she should put him up forever, I do think she needs to set boundaries whilst being rational. She has got every legal right to turf the poor guy out in the street right now, but it would undo all the good she has begrudgingly gone through.

So why not simply give him a reasonable move out date and in the meantime put him somewhere that doesn't inconvenience her daughter.

Are you sure he went to the council?

He has nowhere to live and he has recently left a DV situation so he would be classed as priority need.

I find it unlikely that they would tell him to put his name down and come back in 12 months.

Has he seen a housing advisor? He's technically homeless

someonestolemynick. You are misquoting the OP. The OP WASNT asked if she would put him up for an 'undisclosed' time she was asked to put him up for a couple of nights. She didn't need to ask him how long he was intending to stay as she had already been told.

She has done what she has agreed to and more. She has done something very kind. I think she is being very reasonable indeed.

someone I think they have done far more than the average person would have done. They have let a virtual stranger into their home, free of charge, and responded positively to his initial request for help. I can't actually think of many people who would do that at all, particuarly when they don't have a spare room. Its astonishingly kind and generous of them and I can't believe you would be sarcastic about them for doing that. The issue is that he is now asking for more help for a much, much longer period and isn't looking on the internet for a room to rent while he is enjoying their generosity.

It's a difficult situation and there aren't any baddies.

I'm mostly surprised, well not surprised, dismayed at how little sympathy there has been for a victim of long-term domestic abuse.

But yes, it does seem sad, he does seem sadly incapable, not one of life's go getters.

You never get this sort of shit said on here about female victims of abuse.

Could you and your DH sit him down and explain that you are very glad he came to you (lie through teeth if you have to), releived he got out of a bad situation ,etc, but now you need to help him move on because its putting something of a strain on the household. Offer him support and help in finding somewhere else to live, but be absolutely adamant that he MUST find somewhere else. Lots of people end up in shared houses when leaving relationships, so expecting him to do the same is not unrealistic - and at least he doesn't have children to consider as well.

Ah but I do say that about some women who walk back into abusive situations, wafferly.

Having lived through my aunt walking back, over and over and over again, I know that sometimes, DV, EV victims are just not possessed of the stuff that makes others snap the elastic. Nature, nurture, low expectations etc. All combine make this so. You can disagree with me as much as you like, many do, but sometimes, it is just how it is. Someone will never, ever find the wherewithal to pick themselves up and get themselves out, no matter how much support is offered.

I was in a violent and abusive relationship. I had no friends and had been isolated from my family. Thank fuck my work colleagues who I barely knew took me in after seeing my bruises so frequently - a number of them allowed me to stay on their couches in turns for a few weeks. I will never, ever forget their kindness, and I never took the piss. Still pals with those good people to this day.

I returned the favour for a friend fleeing dv a few months afterwards. She used my landline to call his mobile for hours every night while I was sleeping :(

You just don't know how these thingsare going to turn out.

Sorry Mozz - also meant to say, I considered a few nights (2-3) more than enough of a burden to place on those kind colleagues of mine. Please don't beat yourself up about asking him to move on!

I do find myself often disagreeing with your posts, yes.

It's not just you, of course. Every thread concerning a male abuse victim has a thread of suspicion and lack of sympathy.

I repeat my point ...he can sleep in the cricket club house

I would offer space to someone in this position but if there were no spare bedrooms it would have been the couch. I wouldn't chuck a DC out of their room and I don't think the DD here should be castigated for not wanting to give up her room to a stranger for an indefinite period. The best way you can help him is in going with him to see the appropriate authorities and assertively arguing his case that he needs emergency accommodation right away.

The difference will be I have the same suspicion and lack of sympathy for women in the same position.

I don't do sympathy. I do practical steps. I leave sympathy, hand holding and teary jags to others. That is how and who I am. For some it is what is needed, for others it isn't. Just as the hand holding, teary stuff isn't right for some.

Perhaps one of the posters who would definitely open their door to anyone in need lives near you and has a sofa.

The op has imo been very kind to offer help to someone she nor her dh knows. She and get dh were put on the spot and said yes..for a few days. Now it's for 4 weeks.
It's got nothing to do with it being a man I'm sure she'd feel the same about a strange woman wanting to stay for 4 weeks. There's not that many people who wouldn't mind strangers staying with them for weeks on end especially with young children in the house.