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Original poster

To not want this DV victim staying with us any longer

466 replies

Mozzereena · 25/06/2014 14:43

Last Sunday DH received a phone call from an acquaintance (not a friend) asking could we give him a bed for a couple of nights til he sorted himself out as he had been battered (again) by his partner and thrown out of her home. He said he was desperate as he has no family anymore since his mum died and he became estranged from his sibling.

DH said that it would be ok with him but he would have to run it by me first. I said ok as it was an emergency and DH felt really sorry for this guy. He has known him for many years as they attend the same cricket club.

I have 3 DC and each have their own bedroom.
DD2 was staying with a friend over the weekend so we went into her room and cleaned it out and made it up for this guy.
The guy arrived at our house Sunday evening while we were having a barbecue. He seemed quite shaken up and upset.
I told him that DD2 was away for the weekend but she would be back Monday and she would have to share a bed with 5yo DS temporarily until she got her room back. DD was fine about this.

The guy has so far stayed with us for 3 nights.

He put his name down for a council house on Monday - 12 month waiting list he was told. He works for an employment agency so DH says he will struggle to get a private rental. Also he has no savings and no transport. He is in a mess.

However, last night he text DH to say that he had some good news and that he would tell him about it when he got back to our house last night.
I went to bed at 10 and DH stayed up and waited for this guy to come back with his 'good news'

DH told me this morning that the guy had met with a private LL who had an upstairs flat but a man was living in it at the moment but as the current tenant was on the dole he would give him his 4weeks notice to leave.
The guy paid a deposit to this heartless LL and asked DH if he could stay with us for 4 more weeks. DH said no but he could stay for one week.
I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now! Arrrgghh! What are we gunna do? I don't really want to boot him out on to the street!

OP posts:
unrealhousewife · 27/06/2014 10:15

If you think he is vulnerable you ought to call the council vulnerable adults services. I hope you can teach dd that what she did was very kind and perhaps learn from it yourself.

OberonTheHopeful · 27/06/2014 10:40

OP, I would repeat my earlier advice about encouraging him to contact the DV service at the local authority, or maybe asking someone to do it for him (the lady at the cricket club perhaps?). You and your family really have been very kind to help him out in his hour of need, but with the best will in the world you cannot collectively act as his social worker!

From what you've posted he does sound vulnerable and in need of professional support. From what you have posted it certainly sounds like he is vulnerable to being exploited.

The DV worker will have experience of helping people like him, including with issues such as housing. If, as you suspect, he has some special needs and has never lived on his own he may even need help just arranging things like utilities once he has somewhere to live, and she or he may even be able to arrange a longer term support worker to help him.

ChelsyHandy · 27/06/2014 10:44

I'm sure the OP has been inundated with pms from the posters criticising her offering this man at least a month's accommodation. After all, even if they are not local to her, it will give him the chance to move further away from the source of the DV, and he doesn't seem to be that restricted by current employment.

Who would have guessed that there are so many people out there willing to let a virtual stranger move in with their family and children for such a long period of time!

glasgowstevenagain · 27/06/2014 10:58

Including the OPs husband!

spence82 · 27/06/2014 11:08

OP you've been kind I'm letting him stay and done the right thing encouraging him to move on.

Glasgow Steve are you deliberately trying to worry the OP? You have been constantly scare mongering and its really not on.

You seem like you only post to make situations worse

glasgowstevenagain · 27/06/2014 11:17

It was the OP who posted to say her other daughter was creeped out by him.

It is not just me who suggested she does not know him or his background.

The OP was happy to let a stranger stay in her house - alone with her daughter.

Scaremongering - would you let an acquaintance of your husbands (someone you had never met) spend a week in the house with your sleeping family.....

I am not the one who made the situation worse - the situation is what it is - but the OP is the one who refused to safeguard her family by either enforcing he moved out or moving out herself.

Lets not minimise

spence82 · 27/06/2014 11:27

I'm not going to get into an argument about it but you know exactly what you are doing.

glasgowstevenagain · 27/06/2014 11:29

I am saying there is a chance that this stranger could rape her children

Yes I am!

spence82 · 27/06/2014 11:31

Yeah scaremongering

glasgowstevenagain · 27/06/2014 11:40

So would you be happy having a stranger alone in the house with your child....

spence82 · 27/06/2014 11:46

He isn't a stranger though. Her DH knows him

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 27/06/2014 11:53

Theres a whole world between husband's friend and his acquaintance.

Having had a bad experience with a friend of a friend, I'll never apologise for encouraging someone to be "too" careful.

glasgowstevenagain · 27/06/2014 11:53

Last Sunday DH received a phone call from an acquaintance (not a friend)

It is getting awkward for me and the DDs as this man is not really a friend of my DH so he has never been to our house. It would be a whole lot easier if we actually knew him!

However, this guy is not a friend of DH and I don't think he ever could be - the only thing they have in common is the cricket club.
If he were going to be his drinking buddy he would have been so years ago. He would have been to our house, our wedding and got to know our DC. That is never gunna happen now.

glasgowstevenagain · 27/06/2014 11:54

He does not "know" him.

He has been in his company

For years - yet the OP has never met him!

Not a friend

glasgowstevenagain · 27/06/2014 11:55

spence82 Fri 27-Jun-14 11:46:27
He isn't a stranger though. Her DH knows him

He is a stranger to the OP, the 5 year old and certainly the 2 girls who are 21 and 22!

spence82 · 27/06/2014 11:56

Well I don't think there's any point continuining this discussion.

Its all getting a bit too daily mail for my taste

Mordirig · 27/06/2014 11:58

I think the Landlord and deposit is BS tbh, a lie designed to get him 3 more weeks digs at your house.
If you had of let him stay I bet the LL and flat would have fallen through and it would be even harder to get rid of him.

Make sure he is out on Sunday, he is working and can pay for a travel lodge.

You are a better person me, I wouldn't have taken him in if I had children in the house.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/06/2014 11:59

I agree that the OP might find it useful to have a word with Social Services. If this man is as she describes him - possible mild SN and history of being abused - then he probably counts as a 'vulnerable adult' and the local authority will step in.

Glasgow: your posts display revolting, scaremongering bigotry. You are not helping the OP at all.

glasgowstevenagain · 27/06/2014 11:59

Your idea of someone to be trusted is different to mine.

I certainly would not leave a virtual stranger - remember this man is a stranger to the OP and her girls - alone with them, or overnight.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 27/06/2014 12:00

Can we just clarify here spence, I shared that I am wary for a very particular reason, and you called it "a bit daily mail"?

Do you intend to be so blasé about my entirely valid experience?

Because that is a level of insulting that i would call "a bit daily mail".

glasgowstevenagain · 27/06/2014 12:01

In what way am I being "bigoted"

I am a man - I have listened to enough male chat to know how we think and how we act.

I do not think the OP realizes that she and her family are at risk of violence and sexual assault by a stranger in their own house - as they sleep

glasgowstevenagain · 27/06/2014 12:03

I think it was me who was called a bit daily mail :(

I also have experience of someone who was known to a family acting in a way they should not...

But I am a bigot.....

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 27/06/2014 12:05

Quite possibly glasgow, but i was agreeing with you, so if your posts are "DM", then mine agreeing must be too.

glasgowstevenagain · 27/06/2014 12:06

Thanks...

People are too trusting and nice.

I am not...anymore...

Friends are friends...people you share the same carpet with at work and have water cooler chat are not - they may become friends but they certainly would not be sleeping in my house.

spence82 · 27/06/2014 12:11

Yeah I was talking about Glasgow Steve who decided to take it to a new level of scaremongering and it appears I'm not the only one who thinks this

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