To not want this DV victim staying with us any longer

[Mozzereena]

Last Sunday DH received a phone call from an acquaintance (not a friend) asking could we give him a bed for a couple of nights til he sorted himself out as he had been battered (again) by his partner and thrown out of her home. He said he was desperate as he has no family anymore since his mum died and he became estranged from his sibling.

DH said that it would be ok with him but he would have to run it by me first. I said ok as it was an emergency and DH felt really sorry for this guy. He has known him for many years as they attend the same cricket club.

I have 3 DC and each have their own bedroom.
DD2 was staying with a friend over the weekend so we went into her room and cleaned it out and made it up for this guy.
The guy arrived at our house Sunday evening while we were having a barbecue. He seemed quite shaken up and upset.
I told him that DD2 was away for the weekend but she would be back Monday and she would have to share a bed with 5yo DS temporarily until she got her room back. DD was fine about this.

The guy has so far stayed with us for 3 nights.

He put his name down for a council house on Monday - 12 month waiting list he was told. He works for an employment agency so DH says he will struggle to get a private rental. Also he has no savings and no transport. He is in a mess.

However, last night he text DH to say that he had some good news and that he would tell him about it when he got back to our house last night.
I went to bed at 10 and DH stayed up and waited for this guy to come back with his 'good news'

DH told me this morning that the guy had met with a private LL who had an upstairs flat but a man was living in it at the moment but as the current tenant was on the dole he would give him his 4weeks notice to leave.
The guy paid a deposit to this heartless LL and asked DH if he could stay with us for 4 more weeks. DH said no but he could stay for one week.
I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now! Arrrgghh! What are we gunna do? I don't really want to boot him out on to the street!

This is a really weird situation

I think the OP is a saint. Your houseguest needs to sort his shit out.

I think dd was well within her rights to want him to fuck off. Some people take the piss. A week is very very generous. A month is a piss take.

I'm astonished that anyone is criticising the OP and suggest they go down to their nearest YMCA and take home some down on their luck geezer they find there...

Except those people have managed to sort themselves out without imposing on some family...

OP I'm following this thread with interest as I'm dealing with a guy in a similar situation it's complex but to be fair he's not staying with me more like expecting me to feed/clothes/supply with money. An employee of DH, one of his 'lads' (in 40s though) I'm not one to victim blame but I am dubious about his situation and why he has no one else.

Forgot to add, please do let us know how you get on tonight. And also, is your DP supplying this guy with money for drinks at the pub/club?? How is the guy eating/getting around if he has no money??

DH bit my head off when I told him dd2's reaction to the man wanting to stay another 4 weeks

Is this man very charismatic or something OP? Is your DH mesmerised by him in some way? He doesn't seem to be acting very rationally.

Hope they didn't come back too pissed OP.

Why does he not stay at his mums?

She died.

Oh right. What about steering him towards the nearest YMCA or hostel, tell him to contact shelter.

He cannot stay with op indefinitely, irs affecting her family, that dd has to sleep at a mates house, they song have the room.

Can't one of his other drinking mates put him up? Sounds like he's not scared to ask for a favour. Your DD2's reaction was perfectly normal for a 21 year old, swearing included. I'd be most put out.

I'm sure he's fine but you don't know this bloke at all yet you let him stay with you where you have 3 kids. Very trusting. I wouldn't have.

Can't believe he went ahead and paid a deposit on a place that will take a month to be vacant, but probably could take months and months, and he didn't even ask you if that was ok! He sounds immature, not very clever and a bit of a chancer.

Have you spoken to your DH, OP? Do you think he will leave by Sunday?

I'm sure he's fine but you don't know this bloke at all yet you let him stay with you where you have 3 kids. Very trusting. I wouldn't have.

- I am not sure he is fine - daughter 2 was creeped out by him and did not want to be home alone.

I wonder if he realises in 48 hours he will be homeless!

I suspect not...

A few more days etc etc

Forgot to add, please do let us know how you get on tonight. And also, is your DP supplying this guy with money for drinks at the pub/club?? How is the guy eating/getting around if he has no money?

--- this - either your husband is spending money on him - weird - or he does actually have money!

I feel sorry for the OP and the family of the OP - the 2 girls especially -

However, it is up to her to manage the situation...

are you going to give e him his marching orders mozz? kinder sooner rather than later

---No I'm not.
DH has told him he will have to leave our house by Sunday--

I still don't understand why you won't put him in the living room. I wouldn't let a grown man that I didn't know well sleep in dds bed.

Because then they would need to tip toe round him in the morning...

Her poor daughter going back to her bed that a strange man has been sleeping in

New duvet and pillows I hope!

Do we think that B+B's and hotels provide new duvets and pillows after every guest?

They came back just after 10 last night. I went downstairs when I heard them come in. DH was in a nicer mood than he has been. I had a chat with the guy and got the impression that he is of low iq maybe mild ld. He has got somewhere for a couple of nights from Saturday and if he hasn't sorted out a place after that the stewardess of the club is allowing him to sleep in the changing rooms at the pavilion. He seems to be intent on moving in to the evil LL flat in a month so has been trying to get one of the spare rooms.com for a month and surprise surprise none will take him for just a month. He has never lived in a place on his own. He lived with his mum until moving in with his abusive partner around 6 years ago. He put a deposit on the first place he saw on Tuesday. It had not occurred to him that the evil LL may not have a place for him in a month or that he may never see that deposit again until he had a good chat with DH last night. He is a very vulnerable man. :(

No, but that is not your bed - your space.

This is a stranger in her bed.

And lets be honest - the chances are he is probably masturbating in her bed.

As I said - disgusting.

Again the OP said that her other daughter feels creeped out byhim.

But as I said before - the OP has had this foisted upon her - as she has no say in what happens at her husbands house.

I am glad it is all sorted - the cricket club solution is the best.

He is not your problem - please do not get over involved.

This is not your problem.

I am glad your family can get back to normal!

aw, that's sad. Glad you managed to have a chat.

If it did come to letting him stay longer, is there anywhere else you could put him?

glasgow!

If it did come to letting him stay longer, is there anywhere else you could put him?

• No this is not her problem.........

Need to wipe hands of this.

And I am sorry - but I would want all the bedding replaced - a strange man I do not know has been sleeping/sweating and probably masturbating in her bed!