Dear DH - when you decided to...

[ChocolateBiscuitCake]

help by loading the dishwasher last night (which is a pretty rare feat), did you mean to offload the leftover greek salad into the machine as well rather than turn 90 degrees and put it in the bin? Because I have spent all day clearing onion and cucumber out of the pipework and only now 6 washes later is it working.

This is what I would like to say to him in RL, but given that we have bickered all weekend, I think he might not be amused.

AIBU or should I be grateful that the intent was to be helpful (lighthearted)?

Anyone else have a seemingly helpful husband?

(Tilly I am envious but you're giving me hope!)

Hahahaha about the crackling!

DH can't cook (well, he can sort of but it involves a lot of frying and butter and frankly, I prefer my own cooking!) but he can cook meat on a BBQ. It is BBQ season and this means when he fancies cooking of his own volition, then I am delighted and happy to consume it.

Going to the butcher 20 minutes away with young children is making an effort - he could have just got fish fingers out the freezer and plonked the kids in front of the TV whilst I was out.

Cooking is indeed a daily thing, but cooking a nice meal that has required thought & effort is different from a bowl of pesto pasta!

Have hope, Oscar!

You have nothing to lose but a disproportionately large share of household tasks your chains!

I'm having to suppress a lot of rage at home at the moment. I don't understand his (Oxbridge educated, generally raved-about, erstwhile-SAHD) inability to understand laundry.

I have just this moment located a pile of dirty dresses that I had lost this morning while sorting out dirty laundry. They were back in dd's drawer. WHY? WHAT WAS HE THINKING?

I am really not getting it.
I make an effort to cook a nice meal for H and the children every day! 80% of the time I go to great efforts to buy something they like and go and get it. I plan, I think, I trave, I buy, I cook, I clean after myself. With the dc.
(The fish fingers or pesto pasta scenario is for when we are too busy, end of the month etc.)

And I hate cooking! I cannot wait for the moment I can stop.

My H thanks me at every meal which is nice but I do not expect him to be grateful as if I'd given him a kidney ffs! I am an adult!

Tilly.

I think you are over thinking it Oscar?

In RL I would like to pick up the phone to DH and say, "you were an arse, you chucked salad in the dishwasher" (if he was actually at home when it happened, I would of course have said something. I would have given him the glove and got him to pick it all out).

But he is sitting in an office, working bloody hard and it is not appropriate or helpful to call him to express my grievance. It is a pretty petty gripe and in the grand scheme of life there are more important things to worry about than chunks of onion in a dishwasher!

So I am "thankful"/"grateful"/"polite"…whatever the best word to fit the description is. I haven't thrown myself at him in overwhelming joy that he is BBQ'd a steak. I said thank you. I was grateful. I was being well mannered…like an adult. He made a nice gesture by cooking a meal (in a way that he may buy a bunch of flowers, or take me out for dinner, or book a massage…i.e. something different from the norm?).

I might be, I admit.

I can see what you mean, really. Like I said I would not get upset about the incident per se. At all. I am very laid back.

I am getting more worked out about the double standards that often applies but I accelt that this is not the casevin your rel and that your post was lighthearted.

I am talking about my life more than your, iyswim.

Hmm. My lovely late DH did absolutely everything from cooking to housework and, if I hadn't fought to do some of it, I'd have put on weight from just sitting watching television.

On the other hand, I had my two DC at home and, half an hour after DS was born, my ex brought in the 14 month old, plonked her on my stomach and told me that her nappy needed to be changed. I was then served with half a Weetabix for breakfast .....

Acrually OP I've reread you opening post and I stand by what I said earlier.

You said it yourself that him helping load the dishwasher is pretty rare. And then that you've bickered the whole weekend so you did not want to keep annoying him by letting him know the mess he's caused.

. saying "want to throttle my dh for shrinking my best t-shirt in the wash" is not the same as saying "how useless is my dh, shrinking my t-shirt when he attempted a wash. Oh well I guess I should be thankful, at least he did put the wash on. never mind, the guy was just doing me a favour and tried his best. Men hey!"

Sorry. Not the same at all.

But I take your point about me overthinking it . And being a royal pita. H would agree with you.

Nobody is expecting you to phone him up and berate him at work. I'm not sure where you got that from. Nobody is expecting you to throw yourself at his feet in gratitude. Although you are the one that seems to think he deserves some sort of medal for taking his kids to the butchers to buy meat for his dinner and then cook his own dinner.

I will explain again. My BF cooks for me often. I always say thank you and express how lovely it was (it always is! ) and he always does the same for me although mine often isn't!. I don't take it for granted. I love it when ANYONE cooks for me as I hate cooking. But I don't prostrate myself on gratitude and determine to let him get away with shit behaviour because he's deigned to cook me a meal. Because cooking a meal, or loading a dishwasher, or getting the laundry in the machine, or the kids to school, or the shopping done, or the toilet cleaned are just the stuff that every adult should and does do when they are part of a family - regardless of gender. Regardless of working in or outside the home.

So yes, I'm glad he does them. I thank him for what he does for me. But tbh I do expect him to do his fair share. And so does he.

I'll give you an example. On Sunday, BF made a beautiful picnic for the two of us and took me to the park in the sunshine to eat it. It was lovely. I said "thank you - this is so lovely and you are so thoughtful." Yesterday, he and his exW had crossed wires and didn't have any childcare after school. So I went to pick his kids up, popped to the supermarket, and made them some tea. When he came in he said. "Thank you - you saved my bacon there! I really appreciate that". The thing is, we do stuff like that week in week out. Day in day out. It's not "pretty rare" so I don't feel like it gives either of us a get out of jail card to then go on to do something thoughtless or stupid that causes the other a load of hassle. Neither does the fact that we work outsde the home.

I hate the attitude that when a man (in 90% of cases it's a man) does something in the house, or wth the kids, he's "helping". No. He is making a perfectly ordinary contribution to the smooth running of his home. These people are not helpless - as their high-flying careers often demonstrate. They are perfectly capable of loading a dishwasher or putting a duvet cover on. They simply chose not to, or to do it badly, because they don't consider it to be their responsibility.

BitOut, exactly!

But there is a fundamental difference.

You say that you work full time, as you say your BF does - long hours and long commute.

I am a stay at home mum. No less important, no less 'longer hours' except DH recognises this and I have a lot of cleaning help and two days a week of childcare.

So when DH returns at the weekend I don't expect him to cook and clean - not because I am a 1950's wife but because I have plenty of outsourced help during the week and he spends most of his time helping me with the children (3 under 5).

So yes, when he decides to go out of his way to cook me a meal (which is not the norm) I am hugely appreciative. Not in a "you gave me your kidney way" but more in a - thank you, that was really kind and thoughtful. Because, given his working week, it is.

The dishwasher incident is irritating but not enough to make a big deal of in RL (unless he was here at the time that the dishwasher broke, in which case I would have got him to fix it. But he wasn't here…he was at work!)

IMO someone in an office all week has got it easier than someone responsible for three kids under five.

No, the difference is that he expects you to do your job 7 days a week. And have no responsibility for the running of his home. And expect to get away with murder and swan back off to work to leave you to pick up the pieces.

I am envious. Could he let me know how he managed to achieve such a cushy set up

You go realise that having a wife at home doesn't absolve him of all effort and responsibility don't you. And many parents who work outside the home manage to do a hell of a lot more than grill a fucking steak and fill a dishwasher.

But clearly you feel that this set up is fair and suits you. Each to their own I guess.

I just know I couldn't respect, or be with, someone who refuses to pull their weight.