Dear DH - when you decided to...

[ChocolateBiscuitCake]

help by loading the dishwasher last night (which is a pretty rare feat), did you mean to offload the leftover greek salad into the machine as well rather than turn 90 degrees and put it in the bin? Because I have spent all day clearing onion and cucumber out of the pipework and only now 6 washes later is it working.

This is what I would like to say to him in RL, but given that we have bickered all weekend, I think he might not be amused.

AIBU or should I be grateful that the intent was to be helpful (lighthearted)?

Anyone else have a seemingly helpful husband?

Oh ladies, you have made me chuckle. I saw my thread sink to the bottom so haven't checked for replies until now.

In answer to some posts, DH is a 'work in progress' and we have only just progressed to the "put dirty plates on the dishwasher" to "loading without me having to nag". He has clearly taken a leaf out of my book and decided to do it so badly that he can return to simply stacking on the counter. Not dissimilar to how badly I iron his shirts .

In normal circumstances, I would have insisted he clear it himself but he rather cunningly scraped the salad on a Sunday night and he works away all week (I have noted the error was not on a Saturday!!!) and I am too lazy to wash by hand all week till he returns.

Madrigals - I think it was the OP's use of the term 'helping' which gave the impression that this was another one of those threads about how poor men can't manage the simplest fucking tasks, even though they do try to manage a bit of wife work just to help the little lady out. I don't think it was unreasonable to extrapolate considering the quantity of posts on here about men who seem to deem it beneath them to perform the kinds of every day tasks that keep households ticking over and allow everyone them to enjoy a pleasant environment.

I have to say, having read the OP's subsequent post, I'm not entirely sure it isn't the case...

My eyes have nearly rolled out of my head at "work in progress" op. That is so a. patronising and b. Depressing that I don't know where to start! Is he a Labrador that needs training? Or a fully functioning adult human?

• everyone IN them

Can I join?

Made shepherds pie filling whilst cooking Sunday lunch yesterday - a pain but I knew I wouldn't be home til 6 today and we needed to eat straight away due to dcs' clubs etc. Didn't fancy mashed potato in the fridge so peeled potatoes put them in the saucepan with instructions to boil, mash put onto the meat and bung in aga at 5.15 to eat at 6.

Weeeelll......... I get home mouthwatering at thought of nice tea on the table to find no shepherds pie for me 'Oh I didn't know you would want any' and everyone else just pushing theirs around the plate pretending to eat. Turns out my instructions had been taken literally - as soon as the potatoes came to the boil they were 'mashed' and put on meat. Cue very very hard lumps of potato - DH thought it would cook more in the aga.

So not a helpful DH at all.

We don't have a dishwasher.

But if we ever get one we will all be capable of reading the instructions to see what to do.

Again I am aghast that someone wouldn't know how to make mash. But even worse is the not keeping any for you. How thoughtless.

Am I the only po-faced person not finding these stories amusing?

I'm with you Bit.

If my husband did any of this I'd be too ashamed to tell anyone!

Thank goodness diddl. I just couldn't imagine wanting to be with do wine wok is so helpless. Or selfish. Because let's face it, these are all examples of people who just can't be bothered to do something properly because they know "mummy" will pick up the pieces.

Do wine wok = someone that

Oh yes- the old "if I do it badly I won't get asked again"

Well yes, you will-& be expected to sort out all the fuck ups!

Me too Bit - nothing amusing about an adult who ruins cooks a meal for the whole family except his wife, especially when she has pre-prepared half of it already.

FGS bollocks to the "some men just don't think" crap. He was definitely thinking - thinking about how to make sure the OP doesn't ask him to do it again.

My 7 year old would know not to put food in a dishwasher and we don't even have a dishwasher.

^I am a woman and actually have a higher degree in a gender studies related field

My point was that all jobs are just jobs and I think dissing someone (male or female) because they've made a poor job of filling the dishwasher is just as daft as ludicrous 70s dissing of women for not being able to drill or mend cars.^

You may have a higher degree, but your point is ridiculous. Loads of people (men and and women) dont put up their own shelves: don't fix their own cars. They employ a carpenter or take their car to a garage. These are skilled jobs, even though some people choose to learn how to do them themselves. As far as I am aware, there is no job called dishwasher loader; no-one takes an apprenticeship in dishwasher loading; no-one employs someone specifically to load their dishwasher (though a cleaner may do this as part of general duties). It is a simple job that anyone with a modicum of common sense who purchases a diswasher should be able to do.

It's all a bit sad really. Both my children can load the dishwasher and do basic cooking, and we can all read recipe books and therefore cook basic food without cocking it totally up. dh and I would be ashamed if our children left home so incompetent. That one of them is a boy makes no odds at all. Most routine domestic work required little skill, just a small amount of instruction and a bit of practice.

This sort of behaviour would have driven me around the bend in the first week of living together, there is no way a long term relationship would have been on the cards.

I don't think it's common sense though in this case Cecily. I genuinely think it's not because he's too stupid to do it. It's because he doesn't give a shint shit

And you're right. Nobody has dissed him because he's a man that can't fill the ruddy dishwasher. They've dissed him because he's (supposedly) an adult that can't fill the dishwasher

I do understand the issue with being clumsy/forgetful, but when I cock things up I clear up the resulting mess myself, and I certainly don't do it again. Having to rewash a load of crockery or clothes because someone for the umpteenth time had messed it up wouldn't make me anything other than deeply resentful. Fine to agree to divide household tasks up differently if there is something you really can't do, so long as the usual rule of equal free time for both parties is observed (not the case for occasional DIY vs everyday chores)

I find it amusing women still let men get away with this stuff "My husband doesn't know how to use the washing machine! men eh! they are so cute."

It's passive aggressive behaviour and they do it because then they will not be asked to do that task again. What your husband did was disgusting and he was so angry you dared asked him to put the dishes in the dishwasher he threw the food in there as well. I would be mad at him but it sounds like in your case it's a "Men!" reaction.

But why wouldn't they be asked to clean up their own mess & do the thing again??

(having learnt from their "mistake")

Why do some women huff & puff & take over the task?

OP has said he is now away for the week working.

I don't hold with this men can't do , think , or process crap. They basically can't be a*d, therefore act stupid and are never asked again!!!

I spent years as a SAHM doing everything , and I mean everything ! 'Usual' housewife duties'!!! DIY, dealing with flooded washing machines/ kitchen , blocked drains ( on many occasions??) the time a bird flew into the window and smashed it! Etc etc . DH would come home - all dealt with by little old me!
Then one day I blew! It struck me that he managed to hold a responsible job and was well respected in the field, but I enabled him to basically turn his brain off as he walked through the door! Not now! he doesn't like it but knows its true.
I am a ' do-er sort of person and very 'handy' but I am no longer a mug.

Again I am aghast that someone wouldn't know how to make mash. But even worse is the not keeping any for you. How thoughtless.

^This. Why would anyone think that the person who prepared the food wouldn't want any?

Yeah. It isn't funny. So what do we do about it. If you say LTB, I'm putting you in the PA list on the spreadsheet!

Not every mistake is an act of passive aggressiveness, it could be forgetfulness.

I am terrible at cooking, I have burnt/under cooked/messed up food more time than I can count (and have done it since living on my own). I think it's the multitasking on different things going on at once? Making me eat it doesn't fix the problem and adds an extra layer of frustration. There are some very basic foods I can cook, and that's all I eat left to my own devices. I don't suck at food to make DH cook.

In any case, if someone is just bad at one task they should make up for it by doing another. I do laundry and vacuuming while DH does dishes and cooking.

I left home at 18. Up until then, I had not done any cooking after than toast, oven chips and quick-cook Blue Dragon noodles, because my mother had A Thing about the kitchen being too small to have two people in it.

And yet, at 18, I did NOT live off pizza. I cooked my own food, from first principles. I even managed to work out how to make mashed potato, FIRST TIME. It was simple. I knew what the taste and texture should be like (softer than potato in soup) so I kept boiling it and poking it with my Tesco value potato masher.

These men are choosing not to think.

Oh, and I am also brilliant at stereotypically male tasks such as lawnmowing and flat-pack furniture building, as well as crochet and knitting. The last three just need you to think about your goal, and the ability to read instructions.