to dislike being physical with dc and to think words should be enough?

[NeeNawNora]

I am the stricter of the two of us yet am becoming increasingly frustrated with dp having to be physical in some way with our dc in order to get them to do as he's asked. I don't mean smacking or hurting them but restraining or physically removing things. I don't think this is acceptable as ultimately he's using his strength to overpower them and get his way but still has no control.

For example, dd was climbing on a gate today. He told her to get down, she said it's ok I'm nearly over. He said 'no, get down now' and she continued climbing over. He put an arm round her waist and used the other hand to peel her fingers off before dumping her down and her complaining she could of done it/he's hurt her leg/she's got a splinter etc. I didn't see the need for her to get off (he was impatient to open it to go through) because I like the dc being able to climb and explore when appropriate, but if I had wanted her to I'd have said 'dd, please get down because [insert reason]' and she would mostly likely have listened. If she hadn't I'd have reminded her that there are consequences for not listening and she definitely would've listened.

Similarly tonight, younger dd and ds were racing to get a ball and ds got it first the first time so dp told him to let dd get it first next time. Ds still got it first and dp wrestled it off him rather than just repeat his request. I would've reiterated what I'd asked and then if he still didn't listen I'd have given ds a warning that if he still didn't listen and play/share nicely then he wouldn't be able to play at all.

I just think all the physicality is heavy handed and shows a lack of patience and control. Dp thinks I'm too soft but ultimately the dc listen to me and not him and my way causes less upset. Aibu to think being physical is unnecessary or am I being too soft?

Sounds like there is friction between the DM and the DF which the DCs have cottoned on to. So, if DF is strict, they ignore as they know they will be empathized with by DM.

Because otherwise the DCs would know that when DF says something it must be done now and would do it. And when DM explains and requests they would do that too. But they are ignoring DF. Why else would they?

ici - you do seem to be terribly invested and at such pains to point out x, y and z at length. Other posters don't agree with you - so why not just accept that and move on?

Ici if my DS has ignored two request to get off the gate despite the fact I wouldn't let him climb on one because they're not climbing frames I would remove him from it and if that meant pealing his fingers of and putting him on the floor so be it. I wouldn't carry him home because he "hurt his knee and got a splinter" he can walk I haven't taken both his legs off or broken them! I wouldn't console him for half an hour either I'd expect him to get up and carry on.

When her DC ask why is there DF using physical actions instead of words their DM should say something along the lines of "because DF asked you to twice and you refused, he is your father and you need to listen to him before making up excuses and someone gets hurt"

I wouldn't care if my DS was "nearly there or said it was okay" if I ask him to get down I expect him to get down.

I wouldn't take the stance of the op and say if I warned my DS he'd get stung by stinging nettles and he ignored me he got stung like I wouldn't warn my DS if he ran in the road he'd get hit and then watch him do it.

The op comes across as her way is right and she'll half heatedly put up a united front with her DP.

It sounds like it's you and your dc's against their df. If they already know to complain about him they must be getting that from you. I can see this guy having to deal with buckets of passive-aggression in the coming years.

Is your marriage strong apart from this issue? I would suggest that you back your DH up, whatever he does, and if you disagree discuss it quietly when the dc's are well out of earshot. Families were it's everyone against one parents don't tend to stay happy or solid for long.

And I really don't see how a splinter stops someone walking, unless it was in the sole of her foot.

Icimoi I don't know the child in question but it is likely that a child who has a dx of autism will not be able to comprehend; "no, darling, we do not climb gates that we don't know in case the bar is rotten and you hurt yourself". Many children with an ASD need a clear instruction "no/stop/wait" and removal from the situation. Physically redirecting the child is not uncommon and a technique used in many settings.

Icimoi I did RTFT thanks. Particularly the OP's post at 00:52:34, where she's describing what she says to her children.

Muppets: "Really hackmum?

I mean next time my DS wants to run into the road I won't bother interrupting his fun."

Let me take a guess at what you do for a living.

Is it miss the point?

Ofc like yours must be coming up with ridiculous examples

Hmmm if anyone hasn't got round to looking at the threads the op has started in the last week or so. They're all a bit goady, dramatic and contradictory. It aeems she has a hugely involved crisis in virtually every aspect in her life.

I wouldn't waste time giving her advice.

KatieKaye, as I said a few posts up from yours (had you bothered to read), no I'm not invested. I just get irritated with people who interpret posts to suit their own thesis and use their own version of the facts to pile in and bully other posters (and, for the record, I'm not saying that that's you), and this afternoon I decided to point out the real facts; sorry if you find that inconvenient. When we're talking facts, it really isn't open to people to agree or disagree: facts aren't matters of opinion.

And, talking of facts, if you read the thread you would note that your attempt to portray me as a lone voice crying in the wilderness is far from the truth. Have a look.

Muppet, the point about the gate incident is that there was no obvious reason why the child shouldn't do what she'd done several times before, and the father didn't bother to give her a reason but issued orders, didn't listen to her, and forced her off physically - prompting a stupid crisis where she said she'd been hurt and couldn't walk so they had to terminate the outing and carry her home. The OP, who maybe knows this child just a little better than the rest of us, suggests from her experience of her that there'd have been no problem if her DH had given a reason. It was the father who decided she needed to be carried, not OP.

The OP has repeatedly said she did try to back up her DH, and you don't put forward any evidence to suggest otherwise. As I said, she's entitled to express a different view on here.

I must say, if I told my child that he'd get stung if he walked into stinging nettles and he carried on, I wouldn't charge after him and rugby tackle him so that both of us fell into the nettles. And sorry, it's in no way comparable to stopping your child running into the road. Why do people keep coming up with examples of having to use physical means to stop a child doing something dangerous when absolutely no-one has suggested that there's anything wrong with that?

WhoWants, the child with autism was apparently the one walking towards the nettles. His father apparently shouted "Don't go that way" and it didn't work, so he charged after him, grabbed him and they both fell into the nettles. So clearly his method didn't work, and in fact given that children with autism tend to have sensory sensitivity it looks pretty disastrous on the face of it.

EllaFitzgerald, in her post at 00.52, OP isn't talking about what she said to her children, she's talking about what she said to the people on this thread.

Why would somebody who says they aren't invested in the thread invest so much time typing out long responses?

Katie, I'm a quick typist, and as I said, I wasn't wasting time as I was mumsnetting whilst doing something else.

ComposHat and Frogistwat, it would take you all of two minutes' research using the search function to check your facts and discover what utter rubbish you are writing. The fact that you choose not to do so before posting libellous allegations makes you the goady ones.