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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

have refused to see my MIL for over a month

90 replies

ithoughtofitfirst · 21/06/2014 09:48

And loved every minute of it.

Bit of background. Started going out with DH in uni. Friends who went to his secondary school would often remark on me risking having the mother in law from Hell. She had a bit of a reputation for being interfering, selective with his friends, bit manipulative blah blah.

Ok by my standards the mother in law 'from Hell' would be one who is horrible to my son, an alcoholic and possibly someone who steals from us. So by my standards she's not that horrendous as a mother in law per se.

However!

We have a woman who clearly thinks her son could have done a lot better for himself. Constantly critical about anything I do/say/think. Laughed in my face when I was diagnosed with puerperal psychosis that 'parenting isn't what I thought it would be'. Told me to keep my gay brother away from her younger boys (she's catholic), told me on my wedding day how disappointed she is in us for not having a church wedding, then stopped talking to us (i was 24 weeks pregnant) til the baby was born, constantly undermines me in front of my child, tells me that her family think I've let myself go since having my boy (im a whopping size 10 and a long distance runner), complains that my family should not have been at the christening because they're too.'common' to understand the significance of the event.

I could go on.

After suffering severe PND after my son I've had lingering depression and low self esteem. So I decided that, since no one sticks up for me and that I'm too polite to tell her what a heinous bitch she is, that I will avoid her. I am a grown woman in my late 20s and don't need this shit in my life, frankly.

The reason I want to know AIBU is because my husband keeps hoping that I've 'calmed down' and that I'll join him when he takes my son there. I am confused about this. Why the *&%$ would I? For the first time in 7 years I actually feel my self esteem starting to repair itself. And I don't dread the weekend in fear of what this bully will put me through.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 21/06/2014 09:54

Your Mil isn't the problem, your wimp of a 'D'H is. I'll put money on the fact that your low self esteem is related to him not backing you up...

Justfuckitupagain · 21/06/2014 09:56

Yanbu at all.

Life really is too short to have to put up with crap like that.

But my question really is why are you letting her have access to your DS? She sounds poisonous

deakymom · 21/06/2014 10:00

distance = perspective maybe in oohh 30/40 years you might find it in your heart to speak to her again until then stay firm and take your son out for the day on the weekend she sounds toxic

tell your DH how you feel you're not going to "calm down" or "get over it" if anything he needs to deal with her himself for the first time in his life i suspect xx

Kundry · 21/06/2014 10:01

YANBU. However you don't just have a MIL problem, you have a whopping DH problem. He should have your back 100% and instead he is an undermining wimp.

ApocalypseThen · 21/06/2014 10:03

You husband's first loyalty should be to you. Perhaps he needs to be reminded.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/06/2014 10:04

Your h is the problem here, not MIL, he should be defending you, not waiting until you have 'calmed down' fgs, he is probably fuelling your mil behavior by not defending you. I would have a big talk to him, be frank and don't beat around the bush.

MissThang · 21/06/2014 10:07

I would be gutted to have a husband who wouldn't stand up for me. I agree your self esteem issues are mainly down to him not backing you. It sounds terrible, I think you've been through the mill with everything and I think it's time to let your dh know how it is. Your son shouldn't be near her if she's poisonous, she will say things in front of him most likely.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/06/2014 10:10

No you have every right not to see a woman who clearly hates you, and puts you down, is he too thick to see that!

LuluJakey1 · 21/06/2014 10:17

These things must have gone on for years. Did you husband ever say anything to her on any one of these occasions about it being unacceptable?

Deathraystare · 21/06/2014 10:19

You will 'calm down' when he grows some balls.

picnicbasketcase · 21/06/2014 10:19

You don't need to ask - clearly YANBU at all. Why waste your time being around someone who is so unpleasant?

Vintagebeads · 21/06/2014 10:21

My MIL is awful.Said some horrible things and meant them.
But when she went to far DH and I went NC.
He would have been back with his darling mother had he accepted the way she treated me.
The way I look at it is my DH would go mad if anyone else had said his mum does not get some free mum pass to be a bitch.
I think in your situation you need a rethink your being made to look ureasonable by your DH and this only supports your MIL thinking.

dawndonnaagain · 21/06/2014 10:21

Send your dh back to his Mum until he grows up.

Original poster
ithoughtofitfirst · 21/06/2014 10:26

lulu he did say about the christening thing that "we shouldn't exclude anyone for not having the same religious views as us". She didnt apologise or anything but I was really pleased he'd said what I was thinking without me needing to.

Thanks ladies, I genuinely eat myself up over the fact I.couldn't make the relationship with her work. But I was crying In front of my son all the time and thought this is ridiculous i need to take matters into my own hands.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 21/06/2014 10:30

You need to have a big talk to your h, she clearly is very toxic and your h is helping her by not pulling her up on it! You have every right not to be around somebody like that, keep it up let h see his awful mother. You don't have to be subjected to her rubbish.

Original poster
ithoughtofitfirst · 21/06/2014 10:31

dawndonna I know I said to him once In the heat of the moment!! I think he prefers her cooking anyways Haha

OP posts:
Kundry · 21/06/2014 10:31

Relationships take 2 people, you are only responsible for your own behaviour. If it didn't work and you tried, there's only one person at fault here - and it isn't you.

Your DH needs to step up more often and get real about how bad the situation is. I don't think I would ever 'calm down' over some of the shit your MIL has said. At best I'd go and see her for a short visit at Christmas (deffo not Christmas Day) and I'd expect my DH to be grateful I even did that.

And I'm not sure my DCs would be going without me either - too toxic for me = too toxic for children.

Goblinchild · 21/06/2014 10:32

The longer you stay in control of what's happening, the stronger you will be. IMO. you have had the courage to step outside of an abusive relationship with your MIL and realised that you are an adult and you don't have to tolerate it.
That's fantastic!
So if you do re-establish contact, you could set ground rules, and if she crosses the line, you could say why you are not happy and withdraw again.
Or you could never contact her directly again.
The choice is entirely yours, well done. Smile

daisychain01 · 21/06/2014 10:32

Well done for empowering yourself. Yy to doing a 6 minute mile in the opposite direction to her Grin

CoffeeTea103 · 21/06/2014 10:33

You seem to shift all this blame onto your mil. Sorry but your DH is the one who should stand up for you and not let this happen. How does he stand there and listen to all this? Does he not see you upset and crying? I would not want to be with someone like this.

Goblinchild · 21/06/2014 10:34

Perhaps your OH will develop the same understanding and perspective if you are clear about the fact that she's a bully.

CalamityKate1 · 21/06/2014 10:37

Agree with the others. The problem is that you're married to a drip.

Xenadog · 21/06/2014 10:38

OP pull on those big girl pants and tell DH he needs to man up or run back to mummy. There isn't room in your relationship for compromise on this I'm afraid. She has been vile to you and his loyalty must be to you: his wife and mother of his is children. If he cannot see this then you do need have a huge problem and he is it.

I do have some sympathy for him because he has been turned into a bit of a wimp and a mummy's boy by his controlling mother but he is now grown up and presumably wants to have his own life.

Do not see this woman and keep your kids away from her poison too. As for your DH, I think you need to get tough with him.

Igggi · 21/06/2014 10:41

Good grief. She sounds truly horrendous! How can your dh imagine you should maintain a relationship with her? You are not a punchbag.

LuluJakey1 · 21/06/2014 10:43

YANBU

He needs to tell her:
That her behaviour is unreasonable
That it has to change
Until it does - starting with an apology from her to you- neither you, him or DS will be seeing her

If you are not prepared to see her again, DH can still see her but not DS. DH has to be loyal to you and put ypu first if she will not treat you properly. What does he think is going to happen on big family ccasions if this continues. Des he think he will take DS there at Christmas for a couple of hours? That if you have another child, she will be invited to the christening?

He is double dealing at the minute by going thete and giving her the message he thinks it s OK, he is happy for her to see DS and it is you who is being difficult.

He is also playing her game. She now has him and DS to herself which I bet suits her.

What about FIL and BILs? What do they make of it all?