have refused to see my MIL for over a month

[ithoughtofitfirst]

And loved every minute of it.

Bit of background. Started going out with DH in uni. Friends who went to his secondary school would often remark on me risking having the mother in law from Hell. She had a bit of a reputation for being interfering, selective with his friends, bit manipulative blah blah.

Ok by my standards the mother in law 'from Hell' would be one who is horrible to my son, an alcoholic and possibly someone who steals from us. So by my standards she's not that horrendous as a mother in law per se.

However!

We have a woman who clearly thinks her son could have done a lot better for himself. Constantly critical about anything I do/say/think. Laughed in my face when I was diagnosed with puerperal psychosis that 'parenting isn't what I thought it would be'. Told me to keep my gay brother away from her younger boys (she's catholic), told me on my wedding day how disappointed she is in us for not having a church wedding, then stopped talking to us (i was 24 weeks pregnant) til the baby was born, constantly undermines me in front of my child, tells me that her family think I've let myself go since having my boy (im a whopping size 10 and a long distance runner), complains that my family should not have been at the christening because they're too.'common' to understand the significance of the event.

I could go on.

After suffering severe PND after my son I've had lingering depression and low self esteem. So I decided that, since no one sticks up for me and that I'm too polite to tell her what a heinous bitch she is, that I will avoid her. I am a grown woman in my late 20s and don't need this shit in my life, frankly.

The reason I want to know AIBU is because my husband keeps hoping that I've 'calmed down' and that I'll join him when he takes my son there. I am confused about this. Why the *&%$ would I? For the first time in 7 years I actually feel my self esteem starting to repair itself. And I don't dread the weekend in fear of what this bully will put me through.

Thanks for reading.

your mil should never have felt she could speak to you so rudley and get away with it.

you need to explain to your dh how you feel and you wont be going back there....

anyway well done you for being brave though, so tired of seeing dils putting up with all sorts of bullying abuse from mils...but putting up with it to keep the peace.

you do not need this negative energy in your life, you feel better for not having it,....stay firm and strong.

I really don't know what to do anymore

when a car needs repair you take it to the garage, go to relate. speak to impartial counsillor about how you feel and get your dh t go also.

they will listen to you and how you feel and will ask your dh questions too....

loads of men do it...most because they can....

LuluJakey1

all posts spot on.

He can see her every other weekend, is he surgically attached to her! My dh is a mummy's boy but sees her once a year and so do dcs they live abroad). They still have a good relationship! They should not be saying anything nasty or negative, your h should take care of that! The fact you are worried that they are is a red flag. Start putting your foot down, setting some expectations. He does not sound like he respects you, thinks very little of you!

He has not let go has he. He still sees himself as a 12 year old boy attach to mummy by her apron strings, not a grown man with a wife and children! You need to be tough and present the reality to him!

I quizzed my husband on why he wants to go there and he was just like I still want to see my mum. How can I argue with that?

Easily. He is a grown man who doesn't need to see his mother every Saturday and he has other responsibilities that he needs to make sure he deals with.

Going to his mother's in this case has become a selfish act. What would you do if he said I'm going to see my best friend (who is horrible to you) every Saturday, because we have a laugh?

Forget the fact she's his mother here. She is someone who is making you feel uncomfortable and is undermining your confidence deliberately. And he's putting his WANTS and his mother's DEMANDS ahead of your NEEDS.

The fact she is a relative is the only thing that makes you feel obliged and he's using that deliberately to manipulate you into doing what he wants. What about what you want in this situation? Your feelings are important too, and should not be coming second to his.

As a matter of interest how often do you see your family?

I don't know what to do any more

I'd suggest relationship counselling.

You sound lovely and would have no problem with seeing his mum once a month or once a fortnight if you knew she was going to be pulled up on any ridiculous comments she made.

Your DH on the other hand seems to have fundamentally not understood what it means to be MARRIED. Counselling could help both of you see eye to eye.

If he says he doesn't want to go, I'm afraid you have your answer about what your marriage is going to be like.

So she stopped speaking to you when you were pregnant with PFB?

And then what?

How did it all get back on track?

Because that would have been the last that my MIL saw of me & she wouldn't have seen the baby!

She gets it all, doesn't she-son, GC, no you!

You not going to your mil is probably exactly what she was aiming for. She now has free access to pour all that bile directly into her son's and grandson's ears without any intervention at all.

In your shoes I would start taking DS out with me when DH goes to mil. Must be your family's turn for a few visits.

Your husband is your biggest problem as he is complicit in his wife being bullied.

redtoothbrush I see them about once or twice a month. Usually a Sunday dinner type of thing and my brother and his boyfriend will come if theyre not busy. It's plenty of contact for us. We can go ages without meeting up and It's never a problem with anyone.

diddl I saw her after birth of PFB cause I breastfed. I'm not going to lie she was an absolute bitch to me down to the way I changed a nappy and it being my fault he had colic because I was clearly eating wrong things and didnt have him latched on properly. Then my mental health became a real problem and I had to take anti psychotics and stop feeding him. I was hospitalized but when I started improving I guess I just slipped back into going there.

Well that proves a couple of points;

You have a healthy relationship with your family and see them regularly and DO NOT NEED TO SEE THEM WEEKLY.

If you saw them every weekend like he does you'd have no time to yourself as a family.

Does your MIL approve of you regularly seeing your brother. If she told you to keep her younger boys away from your brother, how long before she says something to your son along similar lines?

You have to sort this out with h before baby comes. If she is asty and h does not defend you, Noway are you and your baby going there, Noway.

redtoothbrush 'you don't want him turning out like your brother' (because I painted one of his fingernails one day when I was doing mine... he loved it)

No. YOU don't want him turning out like my brother you piece of shit bigot.

aeroflot what I'm going to do to safeguard myself after the baby comes may resort to that. Especially if I'm breastfeeding that child won't be going anywhere without me.

So she's already done it, and you are letting your son see her without you? And your DH hasn't told her this is unacceptable?

I would ban your son from seeing her too, unless he can understand why this is not behaviour and opinions you want your son exposed to.

Good on you, start being assertive with h, you sound lovely but exhausted with all this, it seems like you have given up. You have given h an inch, he's taking a mile and then some. I would lay your expectations quite assertively to him, if h refuses to defend you, and thinks your over exaggerating, i would not allow ds to go especially as she is starting to influence him.

I just sent him this text. We're having a bit of text tennis about it because I plan on having a chat with him as soon as the boy Is in bed tonight.

It worries me too what influence she will have over *** and whether I should be exposing him to her unacceptable behaviour eg being elitist, a bigot and subjecting him to emotional blackmail like she has with all the other men in her life

And for those who suggested counselling I think its a brilliant idea. Thank you.

I had counselling for some stuff last year and it was fab.

I hope you get a positive response to that text though I wouldn't be surprised if you are accused of making something out of nothing or you get a flat out denial that there is a problem.

Hmm a mix of both possibly more the latter.

"he is too sweet it wont happen n we wont let it. i do understand how u feel tho but he will be with us 99% of the time"

If he understands what you mean WHY ISN'T HE PULLING HIS MOTHER UP ON IT. He doesn't understand how it hurts you either.

So he does know his mother is a bigot. But isn't prepared to do anything about it.

What is he teaching his child by taking them to see a bigot once a week and teaching the child to respect and love them, even when the bigot criticizes the child's mother?

Why does he want to spend time with her at the expense of his family? - the answer to this is that it hasn't dawned on him that his wife and children are his primary family and come first.

Ps thanks everyone this is really helpful. This stuff has been eating away at me it's nice to get some perspective.

I have my issues with my own father (not to the same extent!) but we just kind of agree to disagree and I don't go running to him for love and guidance. It's sad but (like everyone is quite rightly pointing out on this thread) I have my own family now and love them more and their more important to me. Plus I would rip him a new arsehole if he pulled a stunt like making me husband feel like shit. But he never does because he isnt a poisoned little troll.

They're*

Another question.

Would your husband be embarrassed if his mother said these things directly to your brother's face? If he would be, then he needs to seriously question how much he is condoning your mother's bigotry. If he would be uncomfortable with his mother saying these things directly to your brother, why does he feel ok with these things said directly to your son?

If your husband wants to see her, that's up to him, he's an adult & can decide for himself.

Your child(ren) need protecting from her, not exposing to her.