have refused to see my MIL for over a month

[ithoughtofitfirst]

And loved every minute of it.

Bit of background. Started going out with DH in uni. Friends who went to his secondary school would often remark on me risking having the mother in law from Hell. She had a bit of a reputation for being interfering, selective with his friends, bit manipulative blah blah.

Ok by my standards the mother in law 'from Hell' would be one who is horrible to my son, an alcoholic and possibly someone who steals from us. So by my standards she's not that horrendous as a mother in law per se.

However!

We have a woman who clearly thinks her son could have done a lot better for himself. Constantly critical about anything I do/say/think. Laughed in my face when I was diagnosed with puerperal psychosis that 'parenting isn't what I thought it would be'. Told me to keep my gay brother away from her younger boys (she's catholic), told me on my wedding day how disappointed she is in us for not having a church wedding, then stopped talking to us (i was 24 weeks pregnant) til the baby was born, constantly undermines me in front of my child, tells me that her family think I've let myself go since having my boy (im a whopping size 10 and a long distance runner), complains that my family should not have been at the christening because they're too.'common' to understand the significance of the event.

I could go on.

After suffering severe PND after my son I've had lingering depression and low self esteem. So I decided that, since no one sticks up for me and that I'm too polite to tell her what a heinous bitch she is, that I will avoid her. I am a grown woman in my late 20s and don't need this shit in my life, frankly.

The reason I want to know AIBU is because my husband keeps hoping that I've 'calmed down' and that I'll join him when he takes my son there. I am confused about this. Why the *&%$ would I? For the first time in 7 years I actually feel my self esteem starting to repair itself. And I don't dread the weekend in fear of what this bully will put me through.

Thanks for reading.

Looking at your husband's text he does some more like he's caught in FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) than a master manipulator with no concern for your feelings. Does he genuinely enjoy spending time with his mother, just think this is what he's always done, or worry about the fallout if he didn't go?

'He's so sweet, we won't let it happen' isn't a very constructive strategy is it? You could text back asking what exactly he is going to do to stop it happening? And how he is going to create family time at weekends?

Op you should rip into h for failing to defend you and your family, the fact you would defend him, but he does not defind you is worrying. Even trying to minimalist his mothers treatment of you. Next time she is nasty r horrid to you, you give her what she deserves no beating about the bush and biting your tongue. Your h has to see your nt going to,stand for it!

Yes but he doesn't admit mothers behaviour is ad and unacceptable. He tries to poo poo it and minimalists it.

redtoothbrush that is a good point and something that does worry me. I can imagine all kinds of scenarios with him feeling like homosexuality is a sin and that his uncle (who he idolises) will go to Hell.

I need to sort these things out now and explain that her seeing him is conditional on her respecting not to abuse her position of authority. But how do I police it is another issue.

We need a big chat.

Days like today make me feel like leaving him. And not because I want to but because I need to for my sanity as in literally and for the emotional well being of my son not being sucked Into the FOG and not reslevting his own mother (because no one else does).

Respecting*

Or what if your son repeated something your MIL said to him about your brother in his innocence?

What she is saying has potential to really cause problems within your family. Thats what's really unfair in this situation.

If your husband respected you and your family, he would tell his mother she is not to express such opinions in any of your presence.

I will tell him straight tonight when we have our chat that if I catch wind of that going on I will literally stop her from seeing him. I think he knows I would do it too. It completely conflicts with the type of environment and vibe I wanted to bring my children up in. I've been so distracted by my illness and everything going on that I am actually a person in my own right with ideas and opinions. My family. My rules.

I agree with those that are saying to seek counseling. You need strengthening and tools to deal with your DH and his 'attachment' to his mother. And to demand that your DH seek help in dealing with protecting you and your children from this poisonous woman. If it was just a case of mutual dislike perhaps something could be worked out where you and she just agreed not to meet. But this woman is elitist and homophobic to say the very least. Is this something you really want your children around? DH needs to understand that he must either tell his mother to stop it or agree to go NC. With a new baby coming and your previous bout of PND, you need to get your support system together now to enable you to have a happy postpartum period, not being stressed out by MiL worries or her ugly comments.

Your DH needs (as we say) an 'open-handed slap upside his crazy head'. If he has Catholic beliefs he needs to remember that 'a man shall LEAVE his parents and CLEAVE to his wife'. And his mother needs to remember that, too!

Right now DH is running with the hares & hunting with the hounds and, really, that needs to stop. You need to gather mental/emotional support for yourself to enable you to put your foot down. What do you think would happen if you just refused to allow him to take ds? Just flat out said 'No'. Because right now MiL is being allowed to influence your son without you being there to countermand what she says. And it doesn't seem as if DH will be saying "Mum, we don't want DS to believe that way" or "Mum, please don't say/do that around DS".

I agree that DH should have said long ago that Mil must treat you with, at the very least, politeness. If for whatever stupid reason she just cannot 'like' you, she should have enough 'class' (rolling eyeballs) to behave like a 'lady' (rolls eyeballs again) and keep her flopping mouth shut and keep her foul opinions to herself! But it's never too late!

I'm in a similar family situation with an oh who won't stick up for me. He says all the right supportive things then goes behind my back.
It's taken us nearly to the brink, I've had bags packed and nearly gone so many times. I can't even cry about it anymore there are no more tears left.
It's constantly there eating away at me, my confidence, self esteem.
I've started councilling I'm on session two and it's amazing a situation I was in yesterday id have been anxious over and playing it over and over, but she gave me the tools to stop it straight away. I cannot recommend it enough. It's not going to resolve the home situation but it's building me back up

She will do it, and a million other things besides.

So today you've been alone, while nasty bully MIL has exactly what she wants - her boy at home, her grandchild with her, while you are excluded from their family.

I'm raging for you.

Stop it now.

'DH I've had enough. Being here alone today has really made me see that you're not on my side- actually correction, you're not on our side, the side of your family. You've been happy to leave me some while you play happy families with a woman who disrespects your wife. No more. I don't intend to spend another day away from my son. I also don't intend to send my son to visit someone who doesn't respect his mother and doesn't have his family's best interests at heart. I also don't intend to put up with a husband who puts another adult before me, and who is happy to condone me being excluded.

'MIL won't be seeing either me or DS until I have an apology for the way she's been so far. As for you, decide where your loyalties lie.'

Imagine your ds repeating that to your db. Mummy doesn't want me to be like you. It's the slightly misremembered version of what MIL says but it could really cause upset.

I would add that although we have reached a resolution - one which I am uncomfortable with I have to say, but have learnt to deal with - I absolutely would not have DH taking DD round to see MIL at a weekend. It is our time. She gets an hour or so on a midweek night that suits ME too.

I think counselling is an excellent idea. It ate away at me for a long time. And to some extent will always be the 'elephant in the room' in our relationship.

You need to weigh up what's most important to you and your DC.

Thanks everyone.

Your input has been fab. It's made me think about a lot. I've had a really good chat with DH tonight. I feel like I'm starting to get through to him.

I remember the last time I was truly confident and happy, when I was in uni. I didn't let anyone or anything knock my confidence and I felt invincible. I knew what I wanted in life and I just went out and got it. I am so far from that it makes me want to cry but I can get there again.

I watched that TED talk earlier 'fake it til you become it'. It was actually DH idea which I thought was quote sweet of him. I think he does want the old me back.

Great op, be assertive and take no crap from h or mil and you will feel better for it!

If you could get him to consider counceling it would help to.
My DH has counceling and while he was recked from it,he transformed from a person who was weary from a life of just dealing with his mother,to a person who just said no more.
He is happy we are happy.

He needs to know (as another poster said) the tools on how to deal with her and how to untangle himself,she has had a lifetime of shaping him into someone who she can manipulate,when you live with a toxic parent it can be hard to see the woods from the trees.
In many ways this is a big flashing klaxon on how she could also manipulate your children too.
I am sure living with you he knows on a level that its not normal.But may not know how to fix it either.
I wish you loads of luck,make sure to re read the thread if you ever doubt yourself.You are the ONLY person in that family who is reasonable-not the other way around.